Second knock?
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So I'm just wondering if anyone's person received a second knock and if so how much time had passed between the two events? Do they have increased monitoring of that person after the first knock?
My person is RUI and whilst he tells me that what he's continuing to do is legal, I'm very worried still. But I don't know the law (researched but grey area and conflicting information) and he might be right. Even if it is legal, I find it distasteful and upsetting. But he doesn't care how I feel about it.
It's all doing my head in. I'm so stressed. Just needed to vent.
My person is RUI and whilst he tells me that what he's continuing to do is legal, I'm very worried still. But I don't know the law (researched but grey area and conflicting information) and he might be right. Even if it is legal, I find it distasteful and upsetting. But he doesn't care how I feel about it.
It's all doing my head in. I'm so stressed. Just needed to vent.
Hi Lee
Thanks for replying to my message. Arrested for possession and distribution of IIOC. Police confiscated phone, laptop, hard drives, SD cards etc. He says it's cartoons rather than actual pictures which I believe comes under a different law but still illegal.
He has been engaging in sexual fantasy role-playing, so generally no pictures or images involved (apart from this cartoon - hmm or two or three or other stuff I don't know about??) but generally text, written material. He believes the chats are between two (?) consenting adults and now he says he will only role play as an adult with an adult. He had been role-playing as a child before the knock (potentially Obscene pubs?) and the imagines were shared as part of that fantasy. He says he's stopped all that.
I had hoped that the knock would have put a stop to the whole thing but he says it relaxes him. Although I've said it has the completely opposite effect on me he doesn't seem to care about my feelings, just says he won't do it in front of me.
I hate it. Constantly asking myself why am I still here but domestics don't lend easily to doing anything else or going anywhere else.
Sorry for the ramble.
Thanks for replying to my message. Arrested for possession and distribution of IIOC. Police confiscated phone, laptop, hard drives, SD cards etc. He says it's cartoons rather than actual pictures which I believe comes under a different law but still illegal.
He has been engaging in sexual fantasy role-playing, so generally no pictures or images involved (apart from this cartoon - hmm or two or three or other stuff I don't know about??) but generally text, written material. He believes the chats are between two (?) consenting adults and now he says he will only role play as an adult with an adult. He had been role-playing as a child before the knock (potentially Obscene pubs?) and the imagines were shared as part of that fantasy. He says he's stopped all that.
I had hoped that the knock would have put a stop to the whole thing but he says it relaxes him. Although I've said it has the completely opposite effect on me he doesn't seem to care about my feelings, just says he won't do it in front of me.
I hate it. Constantly asking myself why am I still here but domestics don't lend easily to doing anything else or going anywhere else.
Sorry for the ramble.
And that is why we love you Lee x
I would be very concerned about him not stopping his behaviour. A lot of men who end up offending start off watching legal porn, they then desensitise to that and move on to more extreme types of porn and then illegal porn. The fact that his base level of porn consumption is already in the grey area of the law would concern me massively if I were you.
I have asked my OH to not watch porn at all. I just can't risk going through this again. No man is worth this journey twice!
I would be very concerned about him not stopping his behaviour. A lot of men who end up offending start off watching legal porn, they then desensitise to that and move on to more extreme types of porn and then illegal porn. The fact that his base level of porn consumption is already in the grey area of the law would concern me massively if I were you.
I have asked my OH to not watch porn at all. I just can't risk going through this again. No man is worth this journey twice!
Hi Runawaygirl
This is why we needed Lee back, the advice she has given is absolutely spot on x
I cannot add to what they have said
If he does not care about your feelings and the impact of his actions the pain and upset it causes then that is so wrong
xx
This is why we needed Lee back, the advice she has given is absolutely spot on x
I cannot add to what they have said
If he does not care about your feelings and the impact of his actions the pain and upset it causes then that is so wrong
xx
Everything the others have said is right. My oh is never watching porn again. He was allowed no internet access for 18 months whilst under investigation due to on his bail conditions apart from his work phone which has safety measures on so nothing could be accessed I think this really helped him because he was that scared they would take him back in if he used it. He already knows if he looks at one thing he would be gone. I am one of those partners that have stayed but believe me now if he hadn't done the work needed and continuing that help I'd be done and gone I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I really think you need to up and leave to safety protect yourself his letting off major red flags and I don't want to upset you but he isn't going to change even after sentencing and it's not fair on you to put up with that anxiety of another knock at any time
I'm desperately trying to get him to see things from a different perspective and to appreciate how this makes me feel. His view is that (so long as the stories don't involve children) then this activity is legal so even if I don't like it, then that's my problem to deal with. He can't understand my objections or why he should stop because I object.
I've thought about leaving but where do I go, even if temporarily? I'd still be liable for the bills associated with our jointly owned house and throwing him out isn't an option for the same reason. Then there's the cats to consider. Uproot them or leave them? It'll be stressful for them either way and would he look after them properly if I left them? Long term, there's the additional strain of a potential divorce, selling up, settlement etc etc.
I'm firmly in the "don't do anything rash" camp at the moment but one of my conditions is that he must reach out for support soon - I've given him a deadline to do that by. I'm hoping that once he gets professional support, he will understand the error of his ways and reform. Of course, this might all be wishful thinking on my part and he might never get it. Then I'll be left with no choice but to go.
At the moment, I'm too weak to do anything. Just trying to get through one day at at time.
I've thought about leaving but where do I go, even if temporarily? I'd still be liable for the bills associated with our jointly owned house and throwing him out isn't an option for the same reason. Then there's the cats to consider. Uproot them or leave them? It'll be stressful for them either way and would he look after them properly if I left them? Long term, there's the additional strain of a potential divorce, selling up, settlement etc etc.
I'm firmly in the "don't do anything rash" camp at the moment but one of my conditions is that he must reach out for support soon - I've given him a deadline to do that by. I'm hoping that once he gets professional support, he will understand the error of his ways and reform. Of course, this might all be wishful thinking on my part and he might never get it. Then I'll be left with no choice but to go.
At the moment, I'm too weak to do anything. Just trying to get through one day at at time.
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Cartoons come under the Coroners and Justice Act 2009, Chapter 2, Section 62 "Prohibited Images of Children". It's the possession of a cartoon of this nature that was brought to the attention of the police by the ISP (as far as I know) that led to the knock.
@Lee, arrest was only last month so we are very early in the process. They confiscated over 30 items of hardware so I guess we're in for a long wait.
It makes me feel sick what he's doing and every fibre in my being says leave but I have to give him a chance to reform. He has a lot of mental health issues to deal with and I do want to give him that opportunity but if he doesn't or he fails, then I know what I have to do, however hard and sad that will be.
I guess lots of people (on this forum?) have been in this situation before me and could advise how to start this process when I'm ready (assuming that's in my future).
@Lee, arrest was only last month so we are very early in the process. They confiscated over 30 items of hardware so I guess we're in for a long wait.
It makes me feel sick what he's doing and every fibre in my being says leave but I have to give him a chance to reform. He has a lot of mental health issues to deal with and I do want to give him that opportunity but if he doesn't or he fails, then I know what I have to do, however hard and sad that will be.
I guess lots of people (on this forum?) have been in this situation before me and could advise how to start this process when I'm ready (assuming that's in my future).
Runawaygirl
It's really hard only being a month in. How many times has he rung the helpline has he been to the doctors about his mental health? organised stopso counselling?
These are all the things to look out for. We have all been there the dreaded first few months but you can definitely see how much a person is willing to change or show how much of a mistake it as all been within those first few months. Have you got children or was planning children all this has effect. I'm lucky enough to have two with my oh but we have battled with social services for nearly two years and now in our plan which is still open is that if I were to become pregnant again they would get involved again so no more babies for me just because I'd rather be happy with what I've been given than go through any dealings with them again. All these things you need to try to consider x
It's really hard only being a month in. How many times has he rung the helpline has he been to the doctors about his mental health? organised stopso counselling?
These are all the things to look out for. We have all been there the dreaded first few months but you can definitely see how much a person is willing to change or show how much of a mistake it as all been within those first few months. Have you got children or was planning children all this has effect. I'm lucky enough to have two with my oh but we have battled with social services for nearly two years and now in our plan which is still open is that if I were to become pregnant again they would get involved again so no more babies for me just because I'd rather be happy with what I've been given than go through any dealings with them again. All these things you need to try to consider x
Worried about giving away too much detail as I don't want to be identified. I will say that he has had help in the past and he's awaiting another appointment. But, he does need to do more and at least he recognises this now.
No, my situation doesn't make me happy but I wonder if the grass will be greener if I leave? I don't know. As I said earlier, I'm not doing anything hastily but waiting to see what he does next.
No, my situation doesn't make me happy but I wonder if the grass will be greener if I leave? I don't know. As I said earlier, I'm not doing anything hastily but waiting to see what he does next.
Hi,
I wanted to offer you another view; We separated at the knock due to my feelings around the crime and the cheating element that I felt through him even talking sexually to another person regardless of their age.
We are still separated but working through things so that we have the possibility of a future together. My person hasn't watched any porn or engaged in sexual conversations since the knock. I've never had to ask him not to do that, he has recognised what his addiction has done not only to his life but to my life and the lives of my children, his parents and friends.
I do believe that if he hadn't recognised this and made the changes he has and done the work he has on himself then as hard as it would have been I absolutely would not entertain a future with him. If he was on drugs and had stolen from me I would have had the same viewpoint of not being in a relationship with him until he was clean. In this situation they steal so much more than money and material things, my peace, trust and joy in my life to name a few.
I suppose that I'm saying that whilst I agree with you that you shouldn't make any rash decisions he does need to know what your decision will be based on and I would make sure he understands that you are planning for your future with or without him based on actions he takes to prove that he wants to be in a relationship with you xxx
I wanted to offer you another view; We separated at the knock due to my feelings around the crime and the cheating element that I felt through him even talking sexually to another person regardless of their age.
We are still separated but working through things so that we have the possibility of a future together. My person hasn't watched any porn or engaged in sexual conversations since the knock. I've never had to ask him not to do that, he has recognised what his addiction has done not only to his life but to my life and the lives of my children, his parents and friends.
I do believe that if he hadn't recognised this and made the changes he has and done the work he has on himself then as hard as it would have been I absolutely would not entertain a future with him. If he was on drugs and had stolen from me I would have had the same viewpoint of not being in a relationship with him until he was clean. In this situation they steal so much more than money and material things, my peace, trust and joy in my life to name a few.
I suppose that I'm saying that whilst I agree with you that you shouldn't make any rash decisions he does need to know what your decision will be based on and I would make sure he understands that you are planning for your future with or without him based on actions he takes to prove that he wants to be in a relationship with you xxx
Just wanted to thank everyone for taking time to reply.
In my heart of hearts I suspect this is likely to be the nail in the coffin for our marriage but at the moment I just want it all to go away. It's too difficult to cope with. Too big and too messy to unravel.
Maybe I will get stronger as we progress through this journey but if not, hopefully I will work out what I need to do next.
In my heart of hearts I suspect this is likely to be the nail in the coffin for our marriage but at the moment I just want it all to go away. It's too difficult to cope with. Too big and too messy to unravel.
Maybe I will get stronger as we progress through this journey but if not, hopefully I will work out what I need to do next.