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Feeling Low

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Scared and confused

Member since
February 2023

9 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 10:31pmReport post

Feeling tearful and low tonight.
It all happened on the 14th Feb and is still very raw. He still sees the children, I let him come over every other day. I miss him, I miss normality, I miss not having to lie where he is because he can't stay with us.
My family and friends want me to divorce him and I feel that if I stayed with him I will lose everything and that life would be too awkward.
My family live over two hours away and I just feel so alone.
He is my best friend and husband and I miss him so much.
I know he made a mistake and he knows that to but I can't just turn off my love for him.
This is the first time I have cried since the first week of finding out.
I just need everything to be just a bad dream

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

251 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 10:51pmReport post

I wish I could hug you, I want so badly to tell you and everyone on here that it's all a bad dream and that everything will be ok.



I know how you feel, but you can't just switch off your love. Don't make any decisions and don't let anyone influence your choices. You do what you think and feel is right for you.



im only a few months in myself, it does get slightly easier as time goes on. Everyone telling you to get a divorce isn't helpful either and makes you feel worse. I personally don't believe in divorce but to appease my family and SS I'm getting a legal separation. (This can be reversed at a later date if you both choose to remain together)

depending on the age of your children you can tell them anything from the truth to daddy and I are having a little break because sometimes mummy's and daddy's need a holiday.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, my eldest is old enough to tell the truth to but my youngest is only understanding of daddy is working and can't come home (he's on remand so doesn't see the children). But my husbands other children are old enough to understand daddy did something bad and can't see you at the moment. Both myself and the mother of the other kids feel that ss will insist on a contact centre which we are both ok with. thankfully we get on ok.

I want the very best for you and your children but only you can make the hard choices (not even your OH can choose for you) but they don't need to be made yet. Just be prepared that no matter what choice you make someone will be leaving your zone of either family or friends.



all the strength I can possibly send you is coming your way via virtual hug xx

Scared and confused

Member since
February 2023

9 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 11:06pmReport post

Thank you for your supportive words.

Tonight I just can't seem to stop crying.

I just feel like everything has fallen apart.

Anxious mummy

Member since
February 2023

99 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 11:29pmReport post

I totally understand how you feel. We got the knock on 16th Feb. I was in so much shock at the beginning that I didn't really cry. Now I am in tears all the time and so low. It feels like grief for my old life and very lonely. Do open up to a few trusted close friends as mine are really keeping me going.

Dragonmama

Member since
November 2022

251 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 11:33pmReport post

Crying is not a bad thing, it's good for you to let it out, fill a bath tub gods know I have.



don't feel you are weak or not strong enough etc you are and you're amazing for what you are going through



now remember something that is very important ok, you are not a victim, nor a survivor. You are an innocent. You have done nothing wrong nor will you do anything wrong regardless of what you do. Innocents builds and has strength, some of which are unknown to you at the moment, this will come in time.



you are amazing and courageous let the tears stream they are your way of letting it all out. Again this is not a weakness ok xx

SoTired

Member since
March 2021

387 posts

Posted Tue March 28, 2023 11:41pmReport post

Dragonmamma, wise words. This resonated with me. Not a victim, nor a survivor but innocent, definitely a warrior.



Confused&Scared, it's a journey I never imagined I would be on in my wildest dreams and the challenges you have to go through whilst also, being the strongest parent possible is unimaginable. Nobody but us would understand x

RIG22

Member since
September 2022

138 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 1:31amReport post

Scared and confused; I'm sorry you're hurting. We've all been there and are still going through it. It's such a horrible and long journey.
You're family and friends telling you to leave him is out of concern for you and you're future so totally understandable. I think if I was in their shoes I'd have probably said the same. However, the decision has to be totally yours and it's you who has to live with the decision you make.
As loving and caring as they all may be, once everything is over everyone will go back to living their lives. It's only to be expected but what then do you do? I am still with my OH. I don't want to make any rash decisions about the rest of my life based on what others want for me as it's only me that will have to face the future I chose based on other's opinions. They will all eventually move on and live their lives so you have to make the best decision for you.
It must all be very confusing and it will remain that way for a longtime yet so don't rush into anything. Take your time. Speak to us all. We are or have been where you are today. It's not easy so be kind to yourself. X

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2539 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 4:08amReport post

Scared - I feel for you my lovely. I've cried loud sobs, eyes swollen red raw with crying, painful body with the strain and literally heartbreak.

I still have a little cry now and then but hand on heart it does get better. Do what you feel is right - don't be swayed 100%, you have to live with your decision, be content with it.

bless you, wipe those tears away, you will get there xxxxx

Edited Wed March 29, 2023 4:09am

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2385 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 6:30amReport post

Morning Scared

You are not alone hun we are here for you xx

Strength and hugs sent xx

Lola53

Member since
May 2021

269 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 8:32amReport post

Hi Scared, sending you a huge hug - you're definitely not alone, your feelings resonate with all of us here x

Kt

Member since
January 2023

180 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 9:24amReport post

Hey Scared, I can feel your sadness through your post. Sending you a virtual hug and lots of strength. We will all keep fighting this horrible fight together xxx

Seaside

Member since
July 2022

558 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 9:46amReport post

Morning Scared sending you so much love and support-you are not alone and you have done nothing wrong .

We are all here for you xxx

Heroine failing

Member since
May 2022

34 posts

Posted Wed March 29, 2023 6:47pmReport post

Feeling low - everybody on this forum has been in your shoes.

Although it's horrible what they've done , you must remind yourself this is only part of your story together. The other part is one of a loving family. So does one mistake wipe out all the good things you've both had.

As others have said there is no rush to make any decisions. Things do go back to a type of normality. I can never forget or forgive but I can move on.

Take care of yourselves, you need each other to get through this. Xx

Parkerpoo1

Member since
July 2022

252 posts

Posted Fri March 31, 2023 9:57pmReport post

Post deleted


Edited Thu December 21, 2023 10:08am

Whisper

Member since
March 2023

28 posts

Posted Sat April 1, 2023 12:03amReport post

Scared ???? ???? ????

Alone ???? ???? ???? ??

Unwanted...

Iv lost the only person I knew of 2004 I met him and as of June 14th 22 he left not only that he broke my heart ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? ????

My family I thought I had was a shambles but it seems that I'll never find anyone like him as he knew everything about me but it seems that I didn't even have a clue...... we had a bby together after 2years of trying my bby hasn't seen him since left I have no words of comfort to know that it's more that we are separated 4 ss told me that I risk loosing my children so our relationship was sacrifice to me no question about it so how you ladies get to live on your new lives 4 I'm not going to be anything more then just a mom and I have low emotional anxiety issues with the kids and may they appreciate it but all I feel is resentment and guilt for me I'm asking for a reason for going on is them kids and I love each one same but do kids even if possible even get the better out of the mess thier parents are in until the outcome of what is to happen....

Allmyfault

Member since
February 2023

29 posts

Posted Sat April 1, 2023 10:06amReport post

I am similar in terms of timescales and also allowing him to see the kids at the house weekly. Difference is I reported(he doesn't know that) and so I feel massively torn and guilty a lot of the time still. Oic informed me this week that they haven't even looked yet and I had a massive meltdown as it just feels endless and I feel trapped. I want to divorce, he wants to get back together so nothing is moving and I hate seeing him every week as it's such a rollercoaster of feelings - I'm worried it's going to destroy my mental health in the process. It's the hardest most confusing feeling in the world to feel betrayed and disgusted but also living the person I thought I'd been with over a decade. What makes it harder is the denial of any interest in children and him saying I've chosen morals over everyone's happiness.



I'm thinking of telling him it was me- he won't want to be together then and I can let go of the guilt over sneaking maybe.

Allmyfault

Member since
February 2023

29 posts

Posted Sat April 1, 2023 10:10amReport post

@forgiveandforget. This is his argument - I can't bring myself to touch him and it kills me because it is stacked against a lot of good. I just can't - the second he admitted to using stuff with kids on I just shut down. I feel guilty for not forgiving. Guilty for reporting because I think it makes it look like I think he's a danger, guilty for breaking up the family, guilty because he's been suicidal and finding out I did it will likely tip him over the edge.

I wish I'd never ever found out. I wish he'd never felt the need. If he hadn't been depressed or if I'd supported him more emotionally it would never have happened.

Distressed and pregnant

Member since
November 2020

994 posts

Posted Sat April 1, 2023 10:55amReport post

@Allmyfault,

None of this is because you didn't support him (sorry I can't remember your exact wording in your last sentence). I can completely relate to your feelings of disgust. Something I can say after over two and a half years is that although we don't yet have an intimate relationship he doesn't disgust me any more and I actually look forward to seeing him. Has your ex done any work on understanding his offence? Have you done any of the courses available to you? You absolutely did the right thing in reporting, please try to get some help for letting go of the guilt xxx

Allmyfault

Member since
February 2023

29 posts

Posted Sat April 1, 2023 6:23pmReport post

He just claims he doesn't have an interest in children and that his downloading was indiscriminate and he didn't pay attention to ages. The ones I found would be category c I think and he's denied any others. I can't get my head round that and he thinks I'm unreasonable for not 100% understanding him. He has stuff with kids the same ages as ours ffs.

N

Member since
December 2022

50 posts

Posted Sun April 2, 2023 1:51amReport post

Scared and confused, I completely understand you missing your OH. I have recently had these exact same feelings. Its not nice to feel alone, really not nice when the kids go to bed. I haven't told any of my family 2 close friends know and his family know. I'm quite honestly terrified what my parents will say, I'm an only child and he means so much to them, I don't know what to do in regards to keeping it secret or telling them



He is also seeing our children most days and can have unsupervised with them (very grateful for this). Unfortunately for us after a few very bad mistakes on both sides we no longer live together. Very new for me as I have never lived by myself.



I have decided personally that until I have seen the evidence, (which I will be getting full disclosure to) I will not make a commitment to our relationship.







But as furious as I am with my OH, he is having some very serious health scares, which to me pushes all of this rubbish to the back (I wish away forever). He has f***Ed up but his health is more important.







I actually looked up betrayal earlier, and all the feelings and emotions that were stated felt very much how I do. I don't know if this will help anyone but have a look if your in a rut like me.







Iv not been on in a while so sorry for the ramble.







Sending a big hug.xx

Edited Sun April 2, 2023 2:21am