The Aftermath
Notifications OFF
I'm looking for advice on the process with children's services after sentencing from anyone who has stayed with their person and is still living with them.
My person got the knock just shy of 2 years ago now. I have chosen to stay with my person who is still living at home. I'm under strict instructions of supervision of my 3 active children at all times from children's services, which is exhausting.
My person has only just had the first magistrates hearing which has been adjourned for a pre sentencing report by probation, due to return to magistrates in 4 weeks. We're hoping it won't progress to crown. Charges are for possession of IIOC only, no sharing or making contact with victims and the behaviour was over an 18 month period when my person was in a deep depression for being sexually abused as a child themselves. This is no excuse for the behaviour and I am utterly disgusted by it, however, the behaviour was out of character for them and my person has made considerable effort to get help for their behaviour and childhood trauma since the knock.
Children's services are making my life so incredibly difficult and I feel that they think I lack insight and am unaware of potential danger to my children. This makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother and I have suffered considerably with mental health issues since the knock and having CS in my life. I follow the safety plan at all times to the detriment of my own well-being, i know my kids are really honest and would tell the SW otherwise.
I am fully aware of the potential risks for staying with my person and having him live with the children, but I know my person and I know he knows he's made a mistake and is incredibly remorseful for his behaviour. At the time of his behaviour he didn't see the people on the screen as victims and was stuck in a hole of using the screen as a way of disconnecting from reality. He couldn't see that the people on the screen were real people. Now, after therapy and help from SIN he completely sees how wrong his behaviour was and is disgusted with himself. The last 2 years waiting for this to come to an end has been a massive punishment to him already and there is no chance of reoffending.
We're hopeful that magistrates in 4 weeks time will be the end. He's already had to sign onto the register, We're not sure for how long he'll be on it for at this stage. But we have no idea what CS want to do after this is over. I'm worried they will make him move out of our home. I cannot afford to pay mortgage and bills on my own and will have to sell the house, potentially moving into rented accommodation which will cost more than my mortgage and moving the children to a new school to live in a cheaper area.
Does anyone have experience or advice on the aftermath? In my eyes once this is over it will never be over for me and the kids. I've suffered this situation for 2 years and I am utterly broken. I'm isolated and feel trapped with my kids as can't leave them with their dad and also cannot afford financially to be alone. I'm at the lowest i've ever been, struggling to go to work and paint a fake face on each day. My kids love their dad and I want to try and rebuild my relationship with my person but I'm so worried CS will do all they can to stop this happening:-(
Any advice will be much appreciated.
From a broken, tired mum.
My person got the knock just shy of 2 years ago now. I have chosen to stay with my person who is still living at home. I'm under strict instructions of supervision of my 3 active children at all times from children's services, which is exhausting.
My person has only just had the first magistrates hearing which has been adjourned for a pre sentencing report by probation, due to return to magistrates in 4 weeks. We're hoping it won't progress to crown. Charges are for possession of IIOC only, no sharing or making contact with victims and the behaviour was over an 18 month period when my person was in a deep depression for being sexually abused as a child themselves. This is no excuse for the behaviour and I am utterly disgusted by it, however, the behaviour was out of character for them and my person has made considerable effort to get help for their behaviour and childhood trauma since the knock.
Children's services are making my life so incredibly difficult and I feel that they think I lack insight and am unaware of potential danger to my children. This makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother and I have suffered considerably with mental health issues since the knock and having CS in my life. I follow the safety plan at all times to the detriment of my own well-being, i know my kids are really honest and would tell the SW otherwise.
I am fully aware of the potential risks for staying with my person and having him live with the children, but I know my person and I know he knows he's made a mistake and is incredibly remorseful for his behaviour. At the time of his behaviour he didn't see the people on the screen as victims and was stuck in a hole of using the screen as a way of disconnecting from reality. He couldn't see that the people on the screen were real people. Now, after therapy and help from SIN he completely sees how wrong his behaviour was and is disgusted with himself. The last 2 years waiting for this to come to an end has been a massive punishment to him already and there is no chance of reoffending.
We're hopeful that magistrates in 4 weeks time will be the end. He's already had to sign onto the register, We're not sure for how long he'll be on it for at this stage. But we have no idea what CS want to do after this is over. I'm worried they will make him move out of our home. I cannot afford to pay mortgage and bills on my own and will have to sell the house, potentially moving into rented accommodation which will cost more than my mortgage and moving the children to a new school to live in a cheaper area.
Does anyone have experience or advice on the aftermath? In my eyes once this is over it will never be over for me and the kids. I've suffered this situation for 2 years and I am utterly broken. I'm isolated and feel trapped with my kids as can't leave them with their dad and also cannot afford financially to be alone. I'm at the lowest i've ever been, struggling to go to work and paint a fake face on each day. My kids love their dad and I want to try and rebuild my relationship with my person but I'm so worried CS will do all they can to stop this happening:-(
Any advice will be much appreciated.
From a broken, tired mum.
We're around 4/5 months post sentencing. We have been on a cin plan from day one my oh wasn't allowed to stay at the home address so we have struggled with two young children too. We are now towards the end of a phased return and has far as we have been told our case will close within the next couple of months. I think from what I've read on here the men already living at home can stay but a safety plan will be drew up and you will probably have them for a while longer. We've had probation and visor team in on the meetings since sentencing and luckily have said he would be better at home with us. So I'm guessing that you will be similar situation and they will also get involved in the living situation. I know exactly how you feel stuck with all the responsibility I have two preschool age so alone 24/7 and no job due to looking after them.its really lonely and makes this whole process even more stressful but keep those things crossed and hope they allow unsupervised I've already mentioned it's what I want and hoping I can get it
Thanks for your reassurance. I'm so scared that if I say I want unsupervised contact the SS will just assume I'm not taking it seriously. I hate so so much that I feel like I'm constantly 'under watch' and they are judging me for the decisions I make as a mother. I had post natal depression after my eldest was born. I spent around 18months feeling like a failure and questioning my abilities. This whole situation brings back so many of those feelings and it hurts so much.
I work full-time and currently doing a degree through my job. (How I've completed 2 years of it with this going on, I'll never know) Once I've finished I will have to work long days either a 7am start or 9pm finish. Currently it would be impossible for me to do that and if he can't help with childcare I don't know what I can do? I'm likely not to get offered a job at the end of my course if I can't work the hours my work want. I just feel like I'm already serving the punishment gor a crime I've not committed. Makes me feel really resentful at times.
I just hope probation and the magistrate can see how much improvement he's made and that he is not likely to reoffend.
I work full-time and currently doing a degree through my job. (How I've completed 2 years of it with this going on, I'll never know) Once I've finished I will have to work long days either a 7am start or 9pm finish. Currently it would be impossible for me to do that and if he can't help with childcare I don't know what I can do? I'm likely not to get offered a job at the end of my course if I can't work the hours my work want. I just feel like I'm already serving the punishment gor a crime I've not committed. Makes me feel really resentful at times.
I just hope probation and the magistrate can see how much improvement he's made and that he is not likely to reoffend.
It's very difficult to judge as from what I can see each LA/SW do have different interpretation of the guidelines.
My OH was arrested for IIOC, 1 batch of 8 images sent to him in one evening, no search history.
My children were on a CPP from day one with only supervised contact in the community. Sentencing was 2 months the ago. SS then got really tough and threatened me with care proceedings if I didn't disclose to my children. Ended up having a PLO.
OH still not home. We are waiting for a risk assessment do decide the risk.
My OH was arrested for IIOC, 1 batch of 8 images sent to him in one evening, no search history.
My children were on a CPP from day one with only supervised contact in the community. Sentencing was 2 months the ago. SS then got really tough and threatened me with care proceedings if I didn't disclose to my children. Ended up having a PLO.
OH still not home. We are waiting for a risk assessment do decide the risk.
Hi, we are post sentencing (suspended) and partner was allowed to move back home 2 months after, gradually after weekend/overnight stays.
SS only agreed to him being here after we had told the children and they are old enough to (sort of) understand and keep themselves safe. This was one major block that they knew or I don't think they would have let him.
I produced a list for them to say what I had done (safeguarding, inform course etc) and was fully aware of signs of abuse etc, that my children had nominated people they could talk to (grandparents etc), bathroom doors are closed when getting changed etc, any intimate care was done to me, Children had done online safety etc with school, me and SW. I had a good chat with SW whist parents present which showed good family support, she was really nice and said as long as we have these things in place the case could be closed x
SS only agreed to him being here after we had told the children and they are old enough to (sort of) understand and keep themselves safe. This was one major block that they knew or I don't think they would have let him.
I produced a list for them to say what I had done (safeguarding, inform course etc) and was fully aware of signs of abuse etc, that my children had nominated people they could talk to (grandparents etc), bathroom doors are closed when getting changed etc, any intimate care was done to me, Children had done online safety etc with school, me and SW. I had a good chat with SW whist parents present which showed good family support, she was really nice and said as long as we have these things in place the case could be closed x
I'm interested in this too- bit worrying that it is different in each local authority. We are already living separately as I have ended the relationship but I know he wants some overnights/ some custody of the children eventually and not sure how much chance there is of that. Not had charges yet but possibly will end up being extreme porn rather than iioc so perhaps children's services won't get involved at all?
Confused&worried, I'm so sorry to hear how difficult it has been. It really does sound like you OH has had the hardest punishment for such little involvement. I think it is true, LA are all different and often when families want to stay together they dont know how to approach it. Also, I've heard, it's pot luck how the judge is feeling on the day in court as to how the offender will be punished. I guess each individual case is different.
Worst thing is, from 'the knock' happening, my person admitted to being sexually abused by a man when he was only 7/8 years old. He finally plucked up the courage to report it to the police about a month ago and we've heard nothing. He's really worried that nothing is going to happen to the man. Its heart breaking, my person made a mistake and has paid for it for 2 years so far, and he's not even been sentenced yet. But the man who sexually abused him and ruined his life may not even get to court.
Worst thing is, from 'the knock' happening, my person admitted to being sexually abused by a man when he was only 7/8 years old. He finally plucked up the courage to report it to the police about a month ago and we've heard nothing. He's really worried that nothing is going to happen to the man. Its heart breaking, my person made a mistake and has paid for it for 2 years so far, and he's not even been sentenced yet. But the man who sexually abused him and ruined his life may not even get to court.
Thanks for sharing Jayjay. I'm going to put parental locks on the Internet as suggested by the 'inform' people. We already have locks on kids devices but they have suggested it will show SS how we are minimising risks. We're already doing everything you've mentioned.
It's very obvious from our meetings with SS that or SW manager thinks my person should move out and we should not be together, despite every effort that has been made to keep the kids safe and follow the safety plan, plus him having therapy for 18 months.
With a suspended sentence did your OH have software put on his devices to monitor what he is looking at etc?
It's very obvious from our meetings with SS that or SW manager thinks my person should move out and we should not be together, despite every effort that has been made to keep the kids safe and follow the safety plan, plus him having therapy for 18 months.
With a suspended sentence did your OH have software put on his devices to monitor what he is looking at etc?
Allmyfault, unfortunately I've had dealings with SS before due to a similar thing happening with a family member. They had viewed extreme porn not IIOC but SS still got involved. My kids were not subject to a CIN or CP plan but they still came round, made an assessment of our family and said the family member had to be supervised with the kids, but this was while investigations were being carried out. It all changed when the family member was charged with posession of extreme porn and nothing involving children. They closed the case after that.
Ah ok that makes sense. So in theory- if it's only extreme stuff they will not be involved later and he would be allowed unsupervised contact .....
@allmyfault. I would not assume that the restrictions will be the same just because the offence is the same. There are so many other factors that SS take into account.
I agree. It was a long long time before they closed the case on the family member.when all this stuff started with my person SS started questioning me about the family member again even though it was all NFA. They also for a short period of time at the beginning stopped that family member having contact with the kids again.....which was so frustrating. So yes, they could go back to unsupervised, but they take so many things into consideration. The while thing was really distressing:-(
Ahhhh. So might still be an issue initially at least. Did they stop contact completely or just say supervised only to start? I wonder if local authorities have a policy on this sport of thing- I'm guessing not.
So when we got the knock, they made my person supervised contact in a public place and the family member no contact, even though his case was done and over with. Didn't make any sense at all tbh. It was really distressing for the family member to have to go through it all again when it was already cleared up. SS didn't know their arse from their elbow! One thing that makes me feel sad is that family member is constantly having to deal with repercussions and the case was closed and he got a community order etc and not put on SOR. It was finished up in 2017! Still dealing with issues with DBS and all sorts even now.....it never goes away. This is what I dread with my person :-( it feels like a life long sentence!