Non Offending Partner
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Hi
I have been really interested in everyone's response to the Sky News report and Prof Armitage report.
I am one of the people who has stood by my husband and feel invisible.
I would like to know other peoples feelings o the term "non offending partner"??
I hate it. It makes me feel linked to my husbands offences, somehow a partner in his crime. I'm his wife, I am a victim of his actions and I am an individual. In no way am I a partner in these actions. To me the term adds to the "she must have known" thinking and guilt by associations.
I never want to be referred to as a non offending partner. Those words to not represent me. Those words bring me nothing but pain and anxiety. When I hear or read the term "non offending partner" in reference to myself, I can feel the panic inside me grow and palpitations in my chest.
I have been really interested in everyone's response to the Sky News report and Prof Armitage report.
I am one of the people who has stood by my husband and feel invisible.
I would like to know other peoples feelings o the term "non offending partner"??
I hate it. It makes me feel linked to my husbands offences, somehow a partner in his crime. I'm his wife, I am a victim of his actions and I am an individual. In no way am I a partner in these actions. To me the term adds to the "she must have known" thinking and guilt by associations.
I never want to be referred to as a non offending partner. Those words to not represent me. Those words bring me nothing but pain and anxiety. When I hear or read the term "non offending partner" in reference to myself, I can feel the panic inside me grow and palpitations in my chest.
Confused&worried
As much as the article has been a topic of discussion (I haven't seen it yet)
You are you and no one can take that away from you, if you want to be there for him its your choice, and no one else's
This is a long journey to be on and one where we are alone,
My son is the offender and as much as I do not condone what he has done, I am his mum, I am there every step with him to support, to see the person he is beyond his offending, to know he is still here, to try to understand what sort of a life he will have once he is released, we have a long way to go but I am there, xx
As much as the article has been a topic of discussion (I haven't seen it yet)
You are you and no one can take that away from you, if you want to be there for him its your choice, and no one else's
This is a long journey to be on and one where we are alone,
My son is the offender and as much as I do not condone what he has done, I am his mum, I am there every step with him to support, to see the person he is beyond his offending, to know he is still here, to try to understand what sort of a life he will have once he is released, we have a long way to go but I am there, xx
I agree with this, it's like we are some how complicit in their actions or responsible for them. I've never heard the term being used in relation to another crime.
The victim element is a strange one - It seems that most people on here are a victim in terms of they've been lied to in one way or another while the crimes were being commited. Those with children, their lives are all of a sudden turned upside down and huge adjustments are needed but there are many life events that could cause similar upheavals, but what makes this situation do much harder is the secrecy that is almost forced upon us. If anything I feel we are a victim of societies judgement. I am, like many people, struggling because of what their person has done, but a huge part of the struggle is feeling I cannot be open and honest with those around me and use the support mechanisms that would otherwise be available. But perhaps that's more me feeling bitter than being a victim - A lot of colleagues at the moment seem to be going through challenging times in their home and family life, a huge amount of support has been given to them, but I won't talk about my situation because of the nature of it, therefore I'm not getting the support I need.
The victim element is a strange one - It seems that most people on here are a victim in terms of they've been lied to in one way or another while the crimes were being commited. Those with children, their lives are all of a sudden turned upside down and huge adjustments are needed but there are many life events that could cause similar upheavals, but what makes this situation do much harder is the secrecy that is almost forced upon us. If anything I feel we are a victim of societies judgement. I am, like many people, struggling because of what their person has done, but a huge part of the struggle is feeling I cannot be open and honest with those around me and use the support mechanisms that would otherwise be available. But perhaps that's more me feeling bitter than being a victim - A lot of colleagues at the moment seem to be going through challenging times in their home and family life, a huge amount of support has been given to them, but I won't talk about my situation because of the nature of it, therefore I'm not getting the support I need.
Yes, I have come to a peaceful understand of what he did and didn't do and why. I'm at peace with that and the consequences and limitations of building a life with him as imposed by the law - Ultimately that choice is down to me. What i'm not 100% at peace with is the judgement I am likley to receive when/ if anyone finds out or being shunned by society when I have done nothing wrong.
I often wonder how many people genuinely engaging with their reaction to these crimes based on their own judgement and not from a place of avoiding stigma that might come from being associated with or supporting the offender or their family.
I often wonder how many people genuinely engaging with their reaction to these crimes based on their own judgement and not from a place of avoiding stigma that might come from being associated with or supporting the offender or their family.
SAL
Totally agree with what you have said xx
Totally agree with what you have said xx
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What I hate about this situation is not being able to be truthful and open. I've always been an open person but now I feel on guard, insecure - having to watch every word especially with family.
It would seem disgusting to some people but I'm actually proud of my son / certainly NOT proud of what he's done in no way shape or form.
But how he's coped with prison as a shy, nervous, insecure man. Obv at the beginning he was a terrified wreck, but his strength developed he got on with it - took onboard everything that's been offered. At the moment making enquiries about getting on a treatment course. He cannot do anymore to prove his commitment to get on the road to recovery.
I just wish positivity reports of rehabilitation was made more aware of. But it's such a hated , labelled, taboo subject - it just doesn't happen does it?
As regards the title - why does it only occur when this crime happens - we are not labelled as a non offending person/partner beforehand!
It would seem disgusting to some people but I'm actually proud of my son / certainly NOT proud of what he's done in no way shape or form.
But how he's coped with prison as a shy, nervous, insecure man. Obv at the beginning he was a terrified wreck, but his strength developed he got on with it - took onboard everything that's been offered. At the moment making enquiries about getting on a treatment course. He cannot do anymore to prove his commitment to get on the road to recovery.
I just wish positivity reports of rehabilitation was made more aware of. But it's such a hated , labelled, taboo subject - it just doesn't happen does it?
As regards the title - why does it only occur when this crime happens - we are not labelled as a non offending person/partner beforehand!
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I also hate the word victim.
I am a strong, fiesty, bitch of a woman and I love who I am. Yet I struggle to see another word I can use. My husband lied to me, so I am a victim of his lies. SS have treated me and my children appallingly, so we are victims of their failings. Society are not ready to discuss these crimes openly, so I am victim of their prejudice.
I wear the label victim in relation to this situation for easier than "non offending partner".
Maybe we should see ourselves as survivors. We have survived this ordeal and mostly come out stronger xx
I am a strong, fiesty, bitch of a woman and I love who I am. Yet I struggle to see another word I can use. My husband lied to me, so I am a victim of his lies. SS have treated me and my children appallingly, so we are victims of their failings. Society are not ready to discuss these crimes openly, so I am victim of their prejudice.
I wear the label victim in relation to this situation for easier than "non offending partner".
Maybe we should see ourselves as survivors. We have survived this ordeal and mostly come out stronger xx
When I spoke to my therapist about fearing telling people and what they'd think of me, I listed a long list of things people could say about me - All negative. She flipped these around to compassionate, supportive, understanding, kind, educated. Walking this journey and choosing to support your person takes a huge amount of resilience and belief in your person and yourself. I have it 'easy' compared to most (no children or joint finances) but I have to remind myself to be proud of how I've coped and for believing in me and my person. This journey is what I'd describe and inward - The strength needs to come from within. There is very little support, in fact the complete opposite, and the battles you go into and survive are unlikely to be fully known or recognised by others.
Just wondering what I am. "Non offending mum" when you see that in writing it hits home what a strange label it is.
It is a horrible label. Why can't I be the "wife of an offender" and you lovely mums are the "mother of the offender"?!?
It's like someone needed to shoehorn the "non offending" part in and just made it worse, to me it makes us sound complicit in some way.
It's like someone needed to shoehorn the "non offending" part in and just made it worse, to me it makes us sound complicit in some way.
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Beautifully put Polly.
Our strength will define us.
Our understanding will define us.
Our tolerance will define us.
The one thing I hate about the secrecy of this crime is that I can't tell the world about the amazing women on this forum x
Our strength will define us.
Our understanding will define us.
Our tolerance will define us.
The one thing I hate about the secrecy of this crime is that I can't tell the world about the amazing women on this forum x
I am a mum of an offender and I like Smile am proud to be his mum, not for his actions of his offending, not the fact he is in prison, but for the person he was before this, from the day of the knock I was on suicide watch with him, I honestly thought I would loose him, from been kept on remand I thought I would loose him, to self harm inside I thought I would loose him but he is here, he is ok, we have a long journey ahead, and life after prison I try not to think that far ahead yet , but I will always be there for my son xx
I have never thought about it, but actually you're right, this term is very offensive
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Totally agree. From day one, I couldn't get my head round this terminology. As this whole world was completely new to me, I assumed at first it was used because there is a a significant number of 'offending partners', and so though the clarification must be necessary and was in my favour. I now know that's not the case.
The terms implies default guilt, and that the qualification of 'non-offending' is necessary to clarify that this default guilt is not applicable. If appropriate and justifiable, then it should be equally and fairly applied to all associated with offenders (of all kinds, not just those in focus on this forum), e.g.
- 'non-offending probation officer'
- 'non-offending therapist'
- 'non-offending neighbour'
- 'non-offending daughter'
- 'non-offending employer'
- 'non-offending friend'... just so everyone spectating can be sure...
The terms implies default guilt, and that the qualification of 'non-offending' is necessary to clarify that this default guilt is not applicable. If appropriate and justifiable, then it should be equally and fairly applied to all associated with offenders (of all kinds, not just those in focus on this forum), e.g.
- 'non-offending probation officer'
- 'non-offending therapist'
- 'non-offending neighbour'
- 'non-offending daughter'
- 'non-offending employer'
- 'non-offending friend'... just so everyone spectating can be sure...
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When I googled the term, all articles were related to sexual offences relating to children. In fact, I believe it comes off of the back of "non offending p*****file".
Such a comfort!!!!!!!!!
I hope that the moderators of the forum read this feed and consider our feelings in any further literature that LFF put out.
Such a comfort!!!!!!!!!
I hope that the moderators of the forum read this feed and consider our feelings in any further literature that LFF put out.
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Hate this term. Considering I already feel some responsibility/ how could I not know/ why did he feel the need etc. Non-offending partner totally feeds into that guilt and feeling dirty by association. Definitely feel it implies I must have known/ am somehow at fault for having been their partner in the first place. Not useful for those who stay or go in my opinion. I ended it of my own choice but 100% feel I can't let on I'm grieving for what I thought my marriage was before I found out. It's not a switch and I both despise myself for ending it and abandoning him and also for not being able to hate and cut off from him and move on.
Victim is more accurate but agree victim doesn't empower someone either. Collateral damage is how I see people impacted by this.
Victim is more accurate but agree victim doesn't empower someone either. Collateral damage is how I see people impacted by this.
Good to see that SS are happy to add to the shame and guilt of parents as well as partners, no discrimination there!!!
This
Hi Lee, I was just bumping this (it had slipped down) and I feel it's such an important message.
I have recently had contact with the Circles charity, I explained my feeling on the label. The lady told me that the charity are working to remove that phrase from their literature.
They use the phrase "protective person" or "potential protective person".
They use the phrase "protective person" or "potential protective person".