Finally, the end. Our story
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Hi all
I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to come and tell our story. I think it's quite a positive story. And when I first arrived on this forum - I really needed more positive stories. What I will say - everyone's story is different and what has been good/bad for us may not be the same for you.
My husband was arrested in May 2021. I was 24 weeks pregnant. He was arrested for 2 counts of attempting sexual communication with a minor (police decoys) and 2 counts of sending explicit pictures to minors (police decoys). This related to 2 conversations one in 2020 and one in 2021.
My husband came home - no bail conditions - and told me everything. He told me about having been abused as a child, he told me that that lead to him using the internet very young and being abused again by people getting him to show himself and more on camera who were older. He told me that he had been going online to speak to women and masturbate "for them" since he was 13. This behaviour spiraled and ultimately he fell down a dark path.
The very next day he had contacted stop it now and stop so to start getting support. He also told social services everything - being open and honest from the start was crucial for everyone including for our relationship.
For us, we started journalling every night then discussing it. It did wonders for our relationship and mental health. He also started therapy which we funded.
Social services started an investigation with us. I was pregnant with our first. A daughter. I worked well with them and I put together a safety plan using lots of information on here. We agreed my husband wouldnt be unsupervised with her until such time SS agreed. That's been tough. But little girl arrived and he could be at the birth and never got asked to leave the home.
It took until January 2022 for the devices to be checked. Nothing found. This meant he had been honest. Big relief. February 2022 charges were filed - we got these through the post. May 2022 plea hearing - he pleaded guilty to the charges. His sentencing was put on a "warned list" which meant we had to deal with the unbearable wait for the call. By August we still hadn't heard so we pushed solicitor to ask for a date. Date was set for September 2nd.
In this time, life had been fairly "normal". We were loving being parents and while in the back of my mind was everything and making so many memories incase he went to prison. SS were not too intrusive. We did some things to help - I did my NVQ in safeguarding. He did safer lives course and his therapy.
Sentencing. Hubby did a letter to the judge taking accountability. We had several character witnesses. The most important letters that the judge referred to were from the therapist and safer lives plus Hubbys letter. Sentence was 12 months suspended for 2 years, 60 hours with probabtion, 120 hours unpaid work, a fine and the horizons course. He has 10 years on SOR and has a 10 year SHPO. Which is he can't delete apps from phone, can't have software that deletes history, can't delete history and can't have unsupervised with children under 16 without parents and SS consent - but doesn't apply to our child.
Following that hubby engaged well with probabtion and cracked on with his unpaid work. This ended in February.
SS eased up a bit and allowed unsupervised in the community so long as I was near by for nappy changes ect. They started being less and less present with us. We were only ever CIN anyway - but visits went from being an hour to 5 mins. But they wanted to get a report from Lucy Faithful. This has taken ages as they had to get funding ect. But we had the report back 2 weeks ago. No risks identified but did suggest he does the horizons course prior to unsupervised. However we have pushed, and social worker agreed it's not fair to wait for that course as he has no start date for it and it's a 6 month course!! So, we have now agreed we will close the case and have unsupervised from May!!
It's taken nearly 2 years. But we have had a really normal life. We have been told we can go on holidays, he can go to weddings ect even if children are there, his probabtion officers are really lovely. He never lost his job and when made redundant (unrelated to the offences) he found a new job very easily. Our daughter has always had her dad. And he will get to be with her unsupervised now.
life is good. We are good. And it is possible.
I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to come and tell our story. I think it's quite a positive story. And when I first arrived on this forum - I really needed more positive stories. What I will say - everyone's story is different and what has been good/bad for us may not be the same for you.
My husband was arrested in May 2021. I was 24 weeks pregnant. He was arrested for 2 counts of attempting sexual communication with a minor (police decoys) and 2 counts of sending explicit pictures to minors (police decoys). This related to 2 conversations one in 2020 and one in 2021.
My husband came home - no bail conditions - and told me everything. He told me about having been abused as a child, he told me that that lead to him using the internet very young and being abused again by people getting him to show himself and more on camera who were older. He told me that he had been going online to speak to women and masturbate "for them" since he was 13. This behaviour spiraled and ultimately he fell down a dark path.
The very next day he had contacted stop it now and stop so to start getting support. He also told social services everything - being open and honest from the start was crucial for everyone including for our relationship.
For us, we started journalling every night then discussing it. It did wonders for our relationship and mental health. He also started therapy which we funded.
Social services started an investigation with us. I was pregnant with our first. A daughter. I worked well with them and I put together a safety plan using lots of information on here. We agreed my husband wouldnt be unsupervised with her until such time SS agreed. That's been tough. But little girl arrived and he could be at the birth and never got asked to leave the home.
It took until January 2022 for the devices to be checked. Nothing found. This meant he had been honest. Big relief. February 2022 charges were filed - we got these through the post. May 2022 plea hearing - he pleaded guilty to the charges. His sentencing was put on a "warned list" which meant we had to deal with the unbearable wait for the call. By August we still hadn't heard so we pushed solicitor to ask for a date. Date was set for September 2nd.
In this time, life had been fairly "normal". We were loving being parents and while in the back of my mind was everything and making so many memories incase he went to prison. SS were not too intrusive. We did some things to help - I did my NVQ in safeguarding. He did safer lives course and his therapy.
Sentencing. Hubby did a letter to the judge taking accountability. We had several character witnesses. The most important letters that the judge referred to were from the therapist and safer lives plus Hubbys letter. Sentence was 12 months suspended for 2 years, 60 hours with probabtion, 120 hours unpaid work, a fine and the horizons course. He has 10 years on SOR and has a 10 year SHPO. Which is he can't delete apps from phone, can't have software that deletes history, can't delete history and can't have unsupervised with children under 16 without parents and SS consent - but doesn't apply to our child.
Following that hubby engaged well with probabtion and cracked on with his unpaid work. This ended in February.
SS eased up a bit and allowed unsupervised in the community so long as I was near by for nappy changes ect. They started being less and less present with us. We were only ever CIN anyway - but visits went from being an hour to 5 mins. But they wanted to get a report from Lucy Faithful. This has taken ages as they had to get funding ect. But we had the report back 2 weeks ago. No risks identified but did suggest he does the horizons course prior to unsupervised. However we have pushed, and social worker agreed it's not fair to wait for that course as he has no start date for it and it's a 6 month course!! So, we have now agreed we will close the case and have unsupervised from May!!
It's taken nearly 2 years. But we have had a really normal life. We have been told we can go on holidays, he can go to weddings ect even if children are there, his probabtion officers are really lovely. He never lost his job and when made redundant (unrelated to the offences) he found a new job very easily. Our daughter has always had her dad. And he will get to be with her unsupervised now.
life is good. We are good. And it is possible.
ScaredLamb
I remember reading your earlier posts x
Thank you for the update
I am so pleased to hear life has moved on for you all
I wish you all the very best as you continue to move on to a life where the sunshine is back in your new way of rebuilding xx
I remember reading your earlier posts x
Thank you for the update
I am so pleased to hear life has moved on for you all
I wish you all the very best as you continue to move on to a life where the sunshine is back in your new way of rebuilding xx
Post deleted by user
What a wonderful story to put forward, Thankyou ScaredLamb.
So many have hearts filled with fear but stories like yours gives us all hope and the thought one day we will all write about our positive conclusion.
So many have hearts filled with fear but stories like yours gives us all hope and the thought one day we will all write about our positive conclusion.
What a lovely positive story scaredlamb thank you for sharing.
just a couple of questions if you don't mind? The unsupervised bit - do you still have to have some kind of safety plan in place?
And the weddings where kids are - this is the grey area for us as if we KNOW there are going to be kids there, he can't go without disclosing to parents first! If we don't know that kids are going to be there, we turn up and there happens to be kids there, then that's ok. The visor said it was about knowingly going where kids are. He's on the SOR and the SHPO is internet based only. Even when I've just wrote this down it sounds ridiculous!
anyway thanks again for sharing and good luck with the future x
just a couple of questions if you don't mind? The unsupervised bit - do you still have to have some kind of safety plan in place?
And the weddings where kids are - this is the grey area for us as if we KNOW there are going to be kids there, he can't go without disclosing to parents first! If we don't know that kids are going to be there, we turn up and there happens to be kids there, then that's ok. The visor said it was about knowingly going where kids are. He's on the SOR and the SHPO is internet based only. Even when I've just wrote this down it sounds ridiculous!
anyway thanks again for sharing and good luck with the future x
Thanks for sharing this positive story, I'm sure it'll give many forum reader's hope and light.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Thank you for sharing, its so important that people can see light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I wish you and you partner all the very best.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This really gives me so much hope.
My person had a terrible childhood. Mother left him age 3 to grow up with her parents, meanwhile she married her now husband had 3 kids with him. My person was a child carer for his disabled grandmother and then around age 7/8 was sexually abused by a man in a public place he used to attend with his grandmother.
My person buried this his whole life and then when our daughter was 18months old he was in our local town with her while I was at work, and he saw the man. This was the beginning of his decline in mental health. He never spoke to anyone about it, started drinking more, started disconnecting from friends and family and watching alot of porn. This lead to an addiction to adult porn which lead him down a rabbit hole to looking at younger females and eventually (developed) teens.
We got the knock in April 2021, originally he denied everything following advice from solicitor to keep quiet even to family members. After 3 weeks he came clean after his therapist and stop it now told him he had to tell me and people close to us.
Devices only came back from forensics in December 2022, 2nd interview Jan 2023, court March 2023, pre sentencing with probation due next week and magistrates again in May.
He has lived at home since this happened with supervised contact (which I find incredibly difficult with active children). He has had therapy for 20 months, engaged with stop it now and has been accepted for a lucy faithful course due to start in June. For my job I have to do safeguarding training and have said I'm happy to do inform, although when I contacted them they suggested to wait as I have so much on my plate as I'm currently doing a degree through work. I just hope that SS can see how much we've put into keeping the kids safe, how much he's changed as a person and is now so open and honest about everything.
This situation has really damaged our relationship and recently I've been feeling like I want to leave him. We get on really well but dealing with SS has taken its toll on my mental health whilst pretty much being a single parent. Also the if, buts and maybes of the future has played a part. Hearing your story really has given me hope. I just really want SS to allow unsupervised eventually and we can have some normality back in our lives.
I avoided this forum for almost the whole time this has gone on because I was scared to read negative things that would just make my mind work overtime. However, I posted for the first time this week and reading everyone's stories had not only made me feel that I'm not alone living this nightmare, but it has given me alot of knowledge and also positivity. Thank you so much for sharing.
My person had a terrible childhood. Mother left him age 3 to grow up with her parents, meanwhile she married her now husband had 3 kids with him. My person was a child carer for his disabled grandmother and then around age 7/8 was sexually abused by a man in a public place he used to attend with his grandmother.
My person buried this his whole life and then when our daughter was 18months old he was in our local town with her while I was at work, and he saw the man. This was the beginning of his decline in mental health. He never spoke to anyone about it, started drinking more, started disconnecting from friends and family and watching alot of porn. This lead to an addiction to adult porn which lead him down a rabbit hole to looking at younger females and eventually (developed) teens.
We got the knock in April 2021, originally he denied everything following advice from solicitor to keep quiet even to family members. After 3 weeks he came clean after his therapist and stop it now told him he had to tell me and people close to us.
Devices only came back from forensics in December 2022, 2nd interview Jan 2023, court March 2023, pre sentencing with probation due next week and magistrates again in May.
He has lived at home since this happened with supervised contact (which I find incredibly difficult with active children). He has had therapy for 20 months, engaged with stop it now and has been accepted for a lucy faithful course due to start in June. For my job I have to do safeguarding training and have said I'm happy to do inform, although when I contacted them they suggested to wait as I have so much on my plate as I'm currently doing a degree through work. I just hope that SS can see how much we've put into keeping the kids safe, how much he's changed as a person and is now so open and honest about everything.
This situation has really damaged our relationship and recently I've been feeling like I want to leave him. We get on really well but dealing with SS has taken its toll on my mental health whilst pretty much being a single parent. Also the if, buts and maybes of the future has played a part. Hearing your story really has given me hope. I just really want SS to allow unsupervised eventually and we can have some normality back in our lives.
I avoided this forum for almost the whole time this has gone on because I was scared to read negative things that would just make my mind work overtime. However, I posted for the first time this week and reading everyone's stories had not only made me feel that I'm not alone living this nightmare, but it has given me alot of knowledge and also positivity. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thanks everyone.
JayJay - it was you posting about your ridiculous VISOR people that lead me to asking my husbands team about weddings ect specifically.
For us - they said that weddings and events like that classed as "everyday life" and so it wouldn't be considered communication with under 16s - just being in the same building as them. Same goes for things like soft plays and zoos ect. They explained it as if he were to go out and specifically try to communicate with under 16s - like chat rooms or approaching and trying to have conversations or "meaningful contact" that's what's not allowed.
We have been lucky I think with the professionals in our life and they haven't made things difficult for us.
I would definitely see if you can get some legal advise on things like that - especially if he only has internet conditions - it doesn't seem right at all!
JayJay - it was you posting about your ridiculous VISOR people that lead me to asking my husbands team about weddings ect specifically.
For us - they said that weddings and events like that classed as "everyday life" and so it wouldn't be considered communication with under 16s - just being in the same building as them. Same goes for things like soft plays and zoos ect. They explained it as if he were to go out and specifically try to communicate with under 16s - like chat rooms or approaching and trying to have conversations or "meaningful contact" that's what's not allowed.
We have been lucky I think with the professionals in our life and they haven't made things difficult for us.
I would definitely see if you can get some legal advise on things like that - especially if he only has internet conditions - it doesn't seem right at all!
Thankyou for sharing.
Our stories are practically identical.
My husband has been charged with 3 counts of talk to someone who he believed to be a minor ( all independent vigilante decoys) and 3 counts of inciting them to watch a third party engaging in a sexual act although the solicitor is hoping to have a judge remove the last 3 as there is no evidence to prove this and the app he was using there is no video function and no evidence found of contact outside of this app.
We are in crown court next week but at the moment it looks like it will be adjourned due to the only evidence being a usb stick which the solicitor said they can alter. The solicitor originally asked for the decoys devices to be requested as evidence but this hasn't been done.
We had a social services assessment and also an independent psychologist assessment which were both sorted and the case has. Ow been closed with them due to them ruling my husband was no risk. Also my husband has started therapy with stop it now.
Anyway, how have you coped since his arrest? Ie with people who know or who know you in your area? Me and my husband haven't been out in our local area since his arrest in July apart from me going to collect my son from school which I wait outside and his football training I wait away from everyone. We have even been cut off by all family members both sides apart from 1 of his sisters.
I hate how life is now and not being able to have a proper social life with my son. I know why my husband did what he do, and believe him when he said he had no intention of talking to minors and he is dealing with that with the therapist. I believe my life would be the same in regards to all this whether I was with him or not but I can't abandon him as that's all he has ever known in life. X
Our stories are practically identical.
My husband has been charged with 3 counts of talk to someone who he believed to be a minor ( all independent vigilante decoys) and 3 counts of inciting them to watch a third party engaging in a sexual act although the solicitor is hoping to have a judge remove the last 3 as there is no evidence to prove this and the app he was using there is no video function and no evidence found of contact outside of this app.
We are in crown court next week but at the moment it looks like it will be adjourned due to the only evidence being a usb stick which the solicitor said they can alter. The solicitor originally asked for the decoys devices to be requested as evidence but this hasn't been done.
We had a social services assessment and also an independent psychologist assessment which were both sorted and the case has. Ow been closed with them due to them ruling my husband was no risk. Also my husband has started therapy with stop it now.
Anyway, how have you coped since his arrest? Ie with people who know or who know you in your area? Me and my husband haven't been out in our local area since his arrest in July apart from me going to collect my son from school which I wait outside and his football training I wait away from everyone. We have even been cut off by all family members both sides apart from 1 of his sisters.
I hate how life is now and not being able to have a proper social life with my son. I know why my husband did what he do, and believe him when he said he had no intention of talking to minors and he is dealing with that with the therapist. I believe my life would be the same in regards to all this whether I was with him or not but I can't abandon him as that's all he has ever known in life. X