Shared experience: the journey to Planet Knock
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When an important person in my life was arrested for online offences it was if a bomb went off in my life (followed by countless grenades). At the same time, I was immediately and automatically transported to another place – let’s call this place ‘Planet Knock’. I’d never heard of this place, and I didn’t want to go there. Actions entirely of someone else’s doing meant I was given a fast-track ticket.
The ticketing system started with 'The Knock'. The whole family was at home when the knock happened. Our youngest child answered the door and was pushed aside as six adults rapidly entered our home without warning or explanation, pulling each family member into a separate room. I thought these people were intruders. They were plain-clothed police officers.
There was extreme fear, shouting, swearing. A lot of crying. Strangers moving through every part of our home. One older child was hyperventilating with utter terror. The child who opened the door relives that moment time and again.
My ticket to Planet Knock was issued, and I had no choice in the decision to be relocated at that moment. Departure was instant, with no time to plan.
When I landed, I discovered that despite being a strong, educated, hard-working, independent, resilient and confident mother, partner and professional career woman, nothing in my life to date could have prepared me for this totally unexpected journey. No one I knew had travelled this route before.
On arrival, I was totally alone and wasn’t given any navigational aids. There were some ‘officials’ who met me on arrival, but they were busy, disinterested, ill-informed, opinionated and uncaring - sometimes offensive and unkind. They didn’t offer any helpful or practical guidance and support, and when I found the courage to ask them or others to help me understand where I was and what to do, I either received no response, or was made to feel scared, judged and ashamed.
I quickly discovered that Planet Knock is a primarily a place of grieving. Alongside this grief are immense loss, fear, shock, confusion, betrayal and seething anger.
Newcomers are issued with a very heavy weight. On this weight are inscribed the words 'Your terrible secret'. I have no choice but to carry this weight with me at all times.
Planet Knock is not a hospitable planet. It is bleak and desolate. Oxygen levels seem low, making it hard to breathe properly, or move freely, or even think straight. For many months, when I tried to speak the words wouldn’t come out properly - very difficult at a time when I needed to be at my most competent, to think fast and to be protective of myself and others. My heart raced uncontrollably. I cried all the time. I felt a level of fear and loss of control that I had never imagined to be possible. My sadness at losing the life I knew was indescribable.
It takes time for new arrivals to adapt to the conditions. For a long time I felt panicky, nauseous, exhausted and tearful. The environment on Planet Knock makes it impossible to sleep properly, and everything tastes bad.
Everything about Planet Knock is unfamiliar, complicated, expensive and unknown. At first, I didn’t know the landscape or the language. There are no clear, straight views or paths here – at every turn I hit another maze to be navigated. There are no signposts on where to go or what to do.
You have to be hypervigilant all the time on Planet Knock - new, unpredictable and unknown hazards and hurdles appear from nowhere. This constant hypervigilance means living in a constant, unrelenting state of high anxiety and stress. There's a never-ending list of difficult things that residents must learn and incorporate into daily life.
It’s a dark, lonely, scary planet. It’s cold and foggy. The ground shakes. There are deep dark potholes everywhere that you can fall into at any time. There are worse places to live, but not many. There’s great stigma about being a resident of Planet Knock, even though it’s nobody’s choice to live there. In fact, it’s such an awful place to be that I’ve kept it secret from just about everyone. I am deeply embarrassed to live here.
A black tattoo appeared across my forehead. It says: ‘The man I chose to father my children is a convicted sex offender. A father's role is to protect his children. Now his children must be protected from him’ (there has never been any indication or the slightest suspicion that he intended or caused any direct harm to them). Noone except me can see this tattoo (I think!), but I’m stuck with it forever.
There are many 'officials' on Planet Knock, and residents must live under very severe rules and restrictions. Residents must comply with these rules without question, even when the rules are illogical, inconsistent or cause undue additional stress to innocent parties. Asking for explanation or justification is frowned on and earns a 'black mark'. Sometimes the officials give misleading, incorrect or unhelpful information. Although this is their job and they should be 'experts in their field', there seem to be no consequences for them when they make errors. The rules and restrictions of Planet Knock are all new, unfamiliar and scary to me, but I face serious punishment if I make a mistake or misunderstand expectations.
Everything I’d worked for in my life to date is meaningless on Planet Knock. My efforts, achievements, qualifications, hard work, generosity and caring – redundant. Decades of good memories are suddenly cast in a dark shadow. Nothing is the same as life before.
Even though I am in absolutely no way responsible for the circumstances, my relocation to Planet Knock has forced me to fail in many areas. My previous life was simple. Family. Home. Work. Plans for the future. That is gone. I was a competent, capable, reliable, honest, hard-working and nurturing person and had committed decades to building a good life. Now I am failing. I am not the mother I should be. I am not the partner I should be. My capabilities in so many areas have diminished – as a daughter, friend, colleague, manager, sister, aunt.
Another forced failure – becoming a liar. Having never lied, I now have no choice but to lie in some capacity to every single person in my life. And keep track of those lies. And most agonising of all, I have to coach my innocent children to lie to protect themselves from potential backlash created by their father. That pain runs deep.
There is noone to hold your hand on Planet Knock.
Having relocated to Planet Knock, I’m now an alien in the place I used to live. Communication channels with people in my life before I arrived are weak and patchy. In most cases they have broken down completely. There are not many fun things to do on Planet Knock, and I don’t want any visitors. I’ve found it easier to lose touch with people. For my children, my work and the few family members I now see, I put on my 'normal' mask. I hate wearing this mask. It's fake, deceitful and duplicitous - all things I was not in my previous life. It's not the real me. I don't know if anyone will every see the real me again.
A lot of people live on Planet Knock, but they tend to stay hidden. Some have been there a long time, others are newcomers. More are arriving every day – mostly women and children. Everyone is very kind to each other, and help each other navigate the transition.
It’s impossible to plan for the future on Planet Knock. Partly that’s due to isolation, dread and an absence of ‘normality’. But it’s also because so much is unknown and beyond residents’ control. The time it take the officials to process new arrivals (before offenders are charged and sentenced) is inconsistent, and typically long. For most cases processing takes in excess of two years (I have heard of cases taking up to four years before charges are decided).
This ‘pre-sentence sentence’ for families is a particularly cruel form of torment and is unique to Planet Knock. It has wide-reaching impact on so many aspects of innocent peoples’ lives – mental, emotional, physical and financial (it can mean issues with employment, child care or having to fund second homes). Lots of people ask officials the reasons for this limbo, and for an indication of timescales. They do not receive answers.
The father of my children is in another part of Planet Knock – locked up. It is his fault that we are where we are. Through specialist support he quickly came to understand the route to his offending (use of legal porn that spiralled out of control) and he seems full of remorse and determination as he looks ahead to trying to undo some of the damage and making amends. He currently has no way of contributing to or supporting us practically, emotionally, logistically or financially. Every single aspect of all these elements fell to me through the choices he made through his total lack of responsibility as a parent, partner and adult. It’s ironic that his custodial sentence has given him no choice but to have even fewer responsibilities, and has just piled them onto me instead.
I recognise the consequences of his actions, but question the effectiveness or even existence of rehabilitation while locked away (zero half way through his sentence), and whether his time would be better spent as a contributing member of society, and on rebuilding healthy relationships, including with his own children who are suffering terribly from his absence.
While I am distraught, repulsed, horrified, shocked, furious and traumatised by his offending, I understand how he reached that point. It wasn't a compulsive urge to harm children, but as a result of an escalating and out-of-control porn habit where the unacceptable became apparently acceptable. His offences did not take place on the 'dark web' but on a single device on a legal, free and readily available social media platform that is not required to restrict or remove the vast quantities of illegal material it hosts. The material that was online yesterday is still there today and will be tomorrow – and the next day, and the next day… to be easily accessed by more children, teenagers and adults. Sometimes this engagement is intentional, and sometimes not, but every time it does immeasurable harm on so many levels.
The two of us continue to learn about and love each other (although of course my feelings for him have changed) and both want to rebuild a family life of some kind. People who don't live on Planet Knock have strong views on that. If we reconcile I will be shunned by my family and labelled weak, 'groomed', a pushover and a sympathiser with sex offenders (none of which is true). If I walk away, it means the life we built together over many years becomes worthless, and we and our children will be unhappy. His family want me to support him. My family would be happy for me to cut all ties. So whatever happens, real people will suffer real pain and conflict. I feel me and our children have been punished enough without the added burden of having to please others. I am in a lose-lose situation.
Over time, I have adapted a bit. I can breathe better, sleep better. The sun shines from time to time and there are some very slim silver linings to the black clouds. I have learned the language and can find my way around more easily. I still struggle with the agonising prospect of life-long fear, stigma, judgement, anger, lies, deceit, scrutiny, complexity and lack of freedom that comes with living on Planet Knock. Maybe one day that will change.
Oh, and the trip to Planet Knock is strictly one-way only. I didn't ask to come to Planet Knock, and did nothing to deserve the move. Now I'm here, though there’s no way back home. This isn't fair, but I’m trying to adapt and take each day as it comes, and hope that one day this terrible and unwanted journey is better understood and supported so that in the future others can suffer less as the 'collateral damage' of a situation than noone wants to be in.
The ticketing system started with 'The Knock'. The whole family was at home when the knock happened. Our youngest child answered the door and was pushed aside as six adults rapidly entered our home without warning or explanation, pulling each family member into a separate room. I thought these people were intruders. They were plain-clothed police officers.
There was extreme fear, shouting, swearing. A lot of crying. Strangers moving through every part of our home. One older child was hyperventilating with utter terror. The child who opened the door relives that moment time and again.
My ticket to Planet Knock was issued, and I had no choice in the decision to be relocated at that moment. Departure was instant, with no time to plan.
When I landed, I discovered that despite being a strong, educated, hard-working, independent, resilient and confident mother, partner and professional career woman, nothing in my life to date could have prepared me for this totally unexpected journey. No one I knew had travelled this route before.
On arrival, I was totally alone and wasn’t given any navigational aids. There were some ‘officials’ who met me on arrival, but they were busy, disinterested, ill-informed, opinionated and uncaring - sometimes offensive and unkind. They didn’t offer any helpful or practical guidance and support, and when I found the courage to ask them or others to help me understand where I was and what to do, I either received no response, or was made to feel scared, judged and ashamed.
I quickly discovered that Planet Knock is a primarily a place of grieving. Alongside this grief are immense loss, fear, shock, confusion, betrayal and seething anger.
Newcomers are issued with a very heavy weight. On this weight are inscribed the words 'Your terrible secret'. I have no choice but to carry this weight with me at all times.
Planet Knock is not a hospitable planet. It is bleak and desolate. Oxygen levels seem low, making it hard to breathe properly, or move freely, or even think straight. For many months, when I tried to speak the words wouldn’t come out properly - very difficult at a time when I needed to be at my most competent, to think fast and to be protective of myself and others. My heart raced uncontrollably. I cried all the time. I felt a level of fear and loss of control that I had never imagined to be possible. My sadness at losing the life I knew was indescribable.
It takes time for new arrivals to adapt to the conditions. For a long time I felt panicky, nauseous, exhausted and tearful. The environment on Planet Knock makes it impossible to sleep properly, and everything tastes bad.
Everything about Planet Knock is unfamiliar, complicated, expensive and unknown. At first, I didn’t know the landscape or the language. There are no clear, straight views or paths here – at every turn I hit another maze to be navigated. There are no signposts on where to go or what to do.
You have to be hypervigilant all the time on Planet Knock - new, unpredictable and unknown hazards and hurdles appear from nowhere. This constant hypervigilance means living in a constant, unrelenting state of high anxiety and stress. There's a never-ending list of difficult things that residents must learn and incorporate into daily life.
It’s a dark, lonely, scary planet. It’s cold and foggy. The ground shakes. There are deep dark potholes everywhere that you can fall into at any time. There are worse places to live, but not many. There’s great stigma about being a resident of Planet Knock, even though it’s nobody’s choice to live there. In fact, it’s such an awful place to be that I’ve kept it secret from just about everyone. I am deeply embarrassed to live here.
A black tattoo appeared across my forehead. It says: ‘The man I chose to father my children is a convicted sex offender. A father's role is to protect his children. Now his children must be protected from him’ (there has never been any indication or the slightest suspicion that he intended or caused any direct harm to them). Noone except me can see this tattoo (I think!), but I’m stuck with it forever.
There are many 'officials' on Planet Knock, and residents must live under very severe rules and restrictions. Residents must comply with these rules without question, even when the rules are illogical, inconsistent or cause undue additional stress to innocent parties. Asking for explanation or justification is frowned on and earns a 'black mark'. Sometimes the officials give misleading, incorrect or unhelpful information. Although this is their job and they should be 'experts in their field', there seem to be no consequences for them when they make errors. The rules and restrictions of Planet Knock are all new, unfamiliar and scary to me, but I face serious punishment if I make a mistake or misunderstand expectations.
Everything I’d worked for in my life to date is meaningless on Planet Knock. My efforts, achievements, qualifications, hard work, generosity and caring – redundant. Decades of good memories are suddenly cast in a dark shadow. Nothing is the same as life before.
Even though I am in absolutely no way responsible for the circumstances, my relocation to Planet Knock has forced me to fail in many areas. My previous life was simple. Family. Home. Work. Plans for the future. That is gone. I was a competent, capable, reliable, honest, hard-working and nurturing person and had committed decades to building a good life. Now I am failing. I am not the mother I should be. I am not the partner I should be. My capabilities in so many areas have diminished – as a daughter, friend, colleague, manager, sister, aunt.
Another forced failure – becoming a liar. Having never lied, I now have no choice but to lie in some capacity to every single person in my life. And keep track of those lies. And most agonising of all, I have to coach my innocent children to lie to protect themselves from potential backlash created by their father. That pain runs deep.
There is noone to hold your hand on Planet Knock.
Having relocated to Planet Knock, I’m now an alien in the place I used to live. Communication channels with people in my life before I arrived are weak and patchy. In most cases they have broken down completely. There are not many fun things to do on Planet Knock, and I don’t want any visitors. I’ve found it easier to lose touch with people. For my children, my work and the few family members I now see, I put on my 'normal' mask. I hate wearing this mask. It's fake, deceitful and duplicitous - all things I was not in my previous life. It's not the real me. I don't know if anyone will every see the real me again.
A lot of people live on Planet Knock, but they tend to stay hidden. Some have been there a long time, others are newcomers. More are arriving every day – mostly women and children. Everyone is very kind to each other, and help each other navigate the transition.
It’s impossible to plan for the future on Planet Knock. Partly that’s due to isolation, dread and an absence of ‘normality’. But it’s also because so much is unknown and beyond residents’ control. The time it take the officials to process new arrivals (before offenders are charged and sentenced) is inconsistent, and typically long. For most cases processing takes in excess of two years (I have heard of cases taking up to four years before charges are decided).
This ‘pre-sentence sentence’ for families is a particularly cruel form of torment and is unique to Planet Knock. It has wide-reaching impact on so many aspects of innocent peoples’ lives – mental, emotional, physical and financial (it can mean issues with employment, child care or having to fund second homes). Lots of people ask officials the reasons for this limbo, and for an indication of timescales. They do not receive answers.
The father of my children is in another part of Planet Knock – locked up. It is his fault that we are where we are. Through specialist support he quickly came to understand the route to his offending (use of legal porn that spiralled out of control) and he seems full of remorse and determination as he looks ahead to trying to undo some of the damage and making amends. He currently has no way of contributing to or supporting us practically, emotionally, logistically or financially. Every single aspect of all these elements fell to me through the choices he made through his total lack of responsibility as a parent, partner and adult. It’s ironic that his custodial sentence has given him no choice but to have even fewer responsibilities, and has just piled them onto me instead.
I recognise the consequences of his actions, but question the effectiveness or even existence of rehabilitation while locked away (zero half way through his sentence), and whether his time would be better spent as a contributing member of society, and on rebuilding healthy relationships, including with his own children who are suffering terribly from his absence.
While I am distraught, repulsed, horrified, shocked, furious and traumatised by his offending, I understand how he reached that point. It wasn't a compulsive urge to harm children, but as a result of an escalating and out-of-control porn habit where the unacceptable became apparently acceptable. His offences did not take place on the 'dark web' but on a single device on a legal, free and readily available social media platform that is not required to restrict or remove the vast quantities of illegal material it hosts. The material that was online yesterday is still there today and will be tomorrow – and the next day, and the next day… to be easily accessed by more children, teenagers and adults. Sometimes this engagement is intentional, and sometimes not, but every time it does immeasurable harm on so many levels.
The two of us continue to learn about and love each other (although of course my feelings for him have changed) and both want to rebuild a family life of some kind. People who don't live on Planet Knock have strong views on that. If we reconcile I will be shunned by my family and labelled weak, 'groomed', a pushover and a sympathiser with sex offenders (none of which is true). If I walk away, it means the life we built together over many years becomes worthless, and we and our children will be unhappy. His family want me to support him. My family would be happy for me to cut all ties. So whatever happens, real people will suffer real pain and conflict. I feel me and our children have been punished enough without the added burden of having to please others. I am in a lose-lose situation.
Over time, I have adapted a bit. I can breathe better, sleep better. The sun shines from time to time and there are some very slim silver linings to the black clouds. I have learned the language and can find my way around more easily. I still struggle with the agonising prospect of life-long fear, stigma, judgement, anger, lies, deceit, scrutiny, complexity and lack of freedom that comes with living on Planet Knock. Maybe one day that will change.
Oh, and the trip to Planet Knock is strictly one-way only. I didn't ask to come to Planet Knock, and did nothing to deserve the move. Now I'm here, though there’s no way back home. This isn't fair, but I’m trying to adapt and take each day as it comes, and hope that one day this terrible and unwanted journey is better understood and supported so that in the future others can suffer less as the 'collateral damage' of a situation than noone wants to be in.
A brilliant piece *applauds*
Xx
Xx
InTatters
Wow this has to be one of the best explanations of our journey xx
I think each and everyone of us can resonate x
Wow this has to be one of the best explanations of our journey xx
I think each and everyone of us can resonate x
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Hi Polly
I am mum67 xx
I am mum67 xx
Thank you for this, it explains so much.
Beautifully written and exactly right.
Perfectly sums up the last 2 years of my life. Thank you for making me feel less lonely in this situation x
So well written & moving. Resonates completely. x
This is brilliant. I just arrived on Planet Knock three weeks ago. Everything you said is so true and so real. Friends and family will never understand if it doesn't happen to them xxx
I love your story. Thank you xx
Put so well, I think we all now live on planet knock xx
InTatters - Amazing...... that's all I can say. So many things said resignate in my life.....
This needs to be published!
Beautifully written
Anne
XXX
Anne
XXX
SoTired - agreed! X
This is so well written thank you. This should be published so that people understand what it is like for us families. X
So much resonates with me and also thought that it should be published in some way. There are so many strong women in here that articulate this journey so well - I wish there was a way to get our stories out in the public. We need someone in PR. There are so many programs, podcasts etc that I think our stories would add a different perspective, one that I think is do often overlooked.
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That is an amazing description of the situation we are all living in and deserves to be published.
Planet knock is indeed a lonely place.
Planet knock is indeed a lonely place.
Brilliantly written - you couldn't sum it up any better. Thank you x
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InTatters
I dont know how many times I have read your post , honestly I cant even put in to words the impact this has had on me,
Every time I read it just fills me with so many thoughts, how this resonates with each and everyone of us , I dont have small children but have seen the impact to my other 2 young adults
Thank you for this xx
I dont know how many times I have read your post , honestly I cant even put in to words the impact this has had on me,
Every time I read it just fills me with so many thoughts, how this resonates with each and everyone of us , I dont have small children but have seen the impact to my other 2 young adults
Thank you for this xx
In tatters
Great summary of this vile place we find ourselves in.
I particularly like the point about feeling like we don't belong either on planet knock or back in our old lives. :( To paraphrase former PM Theresa May, we are indeed, "citizens of nowhere".
Great summary of this vile place we find ourselves in.
I particularly like the point about feeling like we don't belong either on planet knock or back in our old lives. :( To paraphrase former PM Theresa May, we are indeed, "citizens of nowhere".
A couple of people close to me read this post and were quite shocked when I said it resonated with what I've been through and how it hits you even though time has slipped by.
Officials should read this!
Officials should read this!
Absolutely amazing. Definitely agree it should be published and read out loud xxx
Beautifully written and resonates with us all, though the story is different for all of us, we are all residents of Planet Knock.
I can only hope that one day I could meet you all, if only. You have all been and still are one of my only supports in all of this and I thank you all xx
I can only hope that one day I could meet you all, if only. You have all been and still are one of my only supports in all of this and I thank you all xx
Wow, so much of this resonated with me. In
particular the black tattoo. But so
much if it was how I felt/feel.
xx
particular the black tattoo. But so
much if it was how I felt/feel.
xx
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments - and for taking the considerable amount of time it takes to read my post! In some ways downloading my feelings has been cathartic. In others ways it has been agony as it has made it all so 'real'. Writing this has sent me back into a trench of intrusive and obsessive thoughts and fear for the future - both in terms of practicalities and wellbeing. A big part of my sadness on this journey has been encountering others in similar situations and feeling their pain as well as my own. While I feel compelled to give the usual caveat (why do we feel the need to do that - we are after all 'non-offending' people???!!!!) that I in no way condone, minimize or defend the offending behaviour in scope, I am increasingly incredulous that authorities are not held to account for allowing this material to be so readily available. The number of victims (primary, secondary and tertiary) is skyrocketing exponentially - and nobody with the power to effect change seems to care! I hope every day is better than the day before for us all.
In tatters ... I've been a silent member of this group for the last 9 months . Not yet picked up the courage to post my own story yet but I had to say Thank You for this post. It resonates so much with me and hits so much with everything I'm feeling .
Thank you to all you ladies too for helping me to feel I'm not alone on this nightmare ride . Xx
Thank you to all you ladies too for helping me to feel I'm not alone on this nightmare ride . Xx
Wow this is so beautifully written, well done xx
This is an amazing, powerful description of the horrific place we have all found ourselves in. So much of it resonated with me. It should definitely be published, as it so brilliantly explains what the families of sex offenders go through.
I'd much rather have this pinned than being confronted with the P word post everytime I log on..!!!
We have to face enough without having the word bashed into our eyeballs.
We have to face enough without having the word bashed into our eyeballs.
Totally agree ladies, I would much prefer to see Planet Knock than that word! xx
Can we have it swapped then Lucy?
Like Lee has said, it maybe belongs better elsewhere on the forum..? (I could say where, but i fear I'd get hoofed out)
Planet Knock is an actual representation of feeling and emotion from a real forum user.
Xx
Like Lee has said, it maybe belongs better elsewhere on the forum..? (I could say where, but i fear I'd get hoofed out)
Planet Knock is an actual representation of feeling and emotion from a real forum user.
Xx
Thanks to all for your endorsement of my post. I have revised the title - perhaps more suitable for pinning...
Morning LFF,
Can we have this pinned at the top please x
Can we have this pinned at the top please x
Thank you LFF x
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LFF, if there is scope or opportunity to using this to good effect, I may be open to sharing more widely, but would welcome the opportunity to discuss and consider first. Thanks.
Wow this is brilliant, I felt all those feelings, went through all those myself. Xx
This is fantastic.... and heartbreaking
We deserve more than this x
We deserve more than this x
This is amazing. Thank you for articulating our world so brilliantly.
Such a well written post really touched my heart and completely get everything your saying, so many of us wife's, partners, mothers, sisters have been going through similar things and can relate to this. It would be so good if this was published unless you've had the knock they'll never know what it's like..!
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I haven't been on this forum for a very long time. But that is an amazing account of the Knock. Thankyou.
Hi InTatters
Well done! You describe it so very well. Thank you for sharing it.
Well done! You describe it so very well. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you so much for this. - So (heartbreaking) relatable.
Your truthfulness and amazing talent for expressing it as an alien world is simply genius. Thank you so very much. One day at a time eh? Thank you again.
Tank you for bravely posting your journey. I landed just before Christmas 2021. Thankfully the police who attended were kind, considerate and easy going. Did anyone else have the sniffer dog brought in to find the tech? I had no idea that was possible. They were in my house for three hours, but treated me and the property with respect. It's heartbreaking to hear some of the accounts of The Knock and the total lack of compassion and humanity some police forces present when they come to the house.
Thank you for this wonderfully written post that sums up perfectly what so many of us are going through. From the start I said I felt I was in a different world, an alternative reality with no escape. Your description is spot on, Im so glad I found this place which is a little haven on this terrible planet we are all on.
So so true. My experience in 'planet rock' is slightly different. My 14 year edin had previously been seen at children's court- out of character & 'a blip' they said . We were in pieces. But we rallied and moved on with ' social work' help of a year - approximately 4 visits to school to check on him . He's a good kid who got lost . We paid £180 every fortnight for 10 months for councilling . Thought we were safe . Then came knock no 2 . I was livid . Convinced they were wrong. But they weren't. He had images agin on his phone. This time he was 18 and a game changer as although he was under age at time of download was now getting tried as adult. I thought our world was breaking, my husband took to his bed so I had to deal with our daughter 16, and my son 18. Fast forward to September 2023, he's now done his SHPO for downloading images - he was groomed at 10-14 years of age and was looking for his own images , but ended up down the rabbit hole. Was self harming etc at the time. He has completed the social work moving forward course and did find it beneficial. But for me , now with him at 22 and reading the report where he states he was isolated At primary school and ostercised because he wasn't sporty, I'm devastated that I missed this . Could I have prevented this? We have had a nightmare 5 years, and have felt that I failed as a mother missing the self harming but now this !!! This is crippling me and have lost my mum suddenly who was my support at all times. Don't get me wrong my husband is a fantastic dad but wasn't there for me during this, he couldn't cope so I had no option . Really struggling just now
Beautifully written.
...daughter of offender.
...daughter of offender.
I have just read your post and related whole heartedly to it. Brilliantly written, though we all dont it to be written in the first place. It sums up everything perfectly xx
This post is such a helpful overview of this experience. Thank you for making me feel less alone
Thank you for sharing such an informed and real post. I am new to this forum and feel very lost. I don't quite know how it works is there places for family of offenders to meet and support each other?
If you repost on the discussion chat you'll get lots of help and support as more people read that xx
What a very true piece of writing I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this . The journey is long and hard surely there is some light somewhere for everyone
I arrived on Planet Knock 8 years ago. Back then I don't think this forum existed (I might be wrong). The police told me about Lucy Faithfull but could never get through to them on the phone. All of the things InTatters writes about were in my head as I made the walk from the Tube station to W/Scrubs. Horrendous times. Thank you InTatters for writing this piece. It should be shared far and wide so our feelings are understood.
Seems like there is a lot of us wondering with you but also so alone on planet knock
Perfectly written and definitely should be published. The system is so wrong of how long the journey takes from planet knock to court. Systems should be in place that devices can be read within a few days. The waiting and trying to carry on whilst you are just waiting and not knowing is utterly unbearable. They were capable of inventing the internet it should be automatically over ridden that it's impossible for iioc to get through when searching or not searching for it. Our journey to planet knock was through our son and of course we will stand by him but it's such a lonely and isolating place to be court soon and absolutely dreading it.
In Tatters, I can relate to every sentence in this post. Unfortunately, my son's offences included communications and incitement and so we have progressed from Planet Knock to Planet Prison in the space of a year. Two completely new and alien worlds to navigate within 12 months. A successful Professional with a lovely wife and new baby reduced to the type of criminal society abhors and with a mountain to climb after release. Similar situation using a platform which has since been closed down but was readily accessible to all and sundry. No threats, grooming or intimidation involved but girls just had to register that they were 18. Desensitised from mainstream porn, with an alcohol problem thrown in and down the rabbit hole in no time. So many lives shattered and the relationship with his new son now non existent, which is a source of total despair. There is an absolute deluge of cases and politicians need to address this hot potato sensibly and admit that locking perpetrators away for a very long time, with no rehab available, just eventually releases many broken people into a system which is unwilling to help them rebuild a future in any way.
I am new to this forum, but I read this and thought OMG it is the same for everyone... I may write my tale, but find it hard! As this person says "carrying the shame" I think were their words. I carried his shame for 20 years. I think I will save the rest for my story....
Great work though, I am sure that people when reading the press, do not spare a thought for the families of the perpetrators. I found this site looking for support as I have been left to sort all his mess out since he went to see King Charles in one of his establishments. And the first thing I read is this...
Great work though, I am sure that people when reading the press, do not spare a thought for the families of the perpetrators. I found this site looking for support as I have been left to sort all his mess out since he went to see King Charles in one of his establishments. And the first thing I read is this...
Hi and welcome, while we all have our own unique experiences, we do share many similarities.
I agree with you that many people reading the press won't stop and think about the families but I've also found that some do. There are some very open minded and kind people out there and I've been fortunate to meet a few of them.
You've come to the right place for support but you may want to post on the discussion group as most people read the posts on there.
There is no pressure for you to tell your story but we're here for you whenever you want to reach out.
I agree with you that many people reading the press won't stop and think about the families but I've also found that some do. There are some very open minded and kind people out there and I've been fortunate to meet a few of them.
You've come to the right place for support but you may want to post on the discussion group as most people read the posts on there.
There is no pressure for you to tell your story but we're here for you whenever you want to reach out.
This is the most perfect explanation of what it feels like! Wow. Thank you for this.
I feel far less alone after reading this. Thank you.
Sending love and strength to everyone living on planet knock. Xx
I feel far less alone after reading this. Thank you.
Sending love and strength to everyone living on planet knock. Xx
Amazing way of putting it.Its over two years since my husband come home from prison. It's does get better,I promise.I have lost a lot of people ,you know what that's ok.I have cried, grieved and kept walking at times I don't know how .Only two of our children speak to my H one is very supportive,the other not so much Our other daughter has walked away from him ,they were so close it hurt her more ,I still see her .We go out ,we go on holiday although we tend not to shop local.We still keep a secret,I will not lie we have gone from having a fantastic social life to just us and that's fear of making news friends,you are always alert,,although that gets less just doesn't go away and I don't think it ever will .It does get better I promise.
Day 6 'post knock' and I'm adrift. The best I can describe it is similar is the feeling I had following the death of a loved one, I'm grieving my life, the death of my pre-knock life.
Who have I been living with? I don't recognise this person he became in that moment, I'm broken.
This made me cry (again) but this resonated with me that other women have been through this, that survival is possible, it just seems to be a foreign country, this survival, coping, normality, its a place I have no right to be yet.
I hope I can get the visa some day.
Who have I been living with? I don't recognise this person he became in that moment, I'm broken.
This made me cry (again) but this resonated with me that other women have been through this, that survival is possible, it just seems to be a foreign country, this survival, coping, normality, its a place I have no right to be yet.
I hope I can get the visa some day.
I have now been dealing with this for over a year, in that time became pregnant by a miracle (was told I was never going to be able to have children and then gave birth early in Feb.) She has been my one and only true saviour in all this. Which is really sad when she is only 5months old and doesn't understand why daddy isn't around anymore.
Your post explained exactly how i feel and have been feeling over the past year. This was never the life I ever wanted. I wanted that happy, mummy/daddy relationship with our little miracle baby, but now I don't even know if he will ever have a relationship with our daughter and that's really hard pill to swallow as i never wanted that for her. Some days I sit here and think to myself that she didn't deserve any of this, but she came in my life for a reason and I feel that reason was to look after me, the same way I do her and to keep me fully distracted.
I have had no real help from any professional. SS make me feel like I the person who did all the wrong doing, I don't feel like I sleep anymore and my head spins and overthinks now more than it ever did before.
I only have close friends and his family that are aware of everything and that's really hard as they never really understand as they arnt having to deal with this 24/7.
Anyways enough about me, I just wanted to say thank you to you and everyone in this forum as before I joined I felt so alone. Which is always crazy to me when I literally have people around me all the time and checking up on me daily. But I think when you think you know someone, and this happens it really does make you not want to trust other individuals anymore. (It's hard to distinguish if people are being honest with you, or just saying things to make you feel better).
If anything it's definitely made me hyper vigilant of all people and that's a scary thing on its own. But I just wanted to say thank you to you all, for not letting me feel alone and I know none of us asked to be here, or want to be here (in this post knock stage). But we are and I'm glad we can help each other, even if it is us just talking about how we feel etc. So thank you from the bottom of my heart x
Your post explained exactly how i feel and have been feeling over the past year. This was never the life I ever wanted. I wanted that happy, mummy/daddy relationship with our little miracle baby, but now I don't even know if he will ever have a relationship with our daughter and that's really hard pill to swallow as i never wanted that for her. Some days I sit here and think to myself that she didn't deserve any of this, but she came in my life for a reason and I feel that reason was to look after me, the same way I do her and to keep me fully distracted.
I have had no real help from any professional. SS make me feel like I the person who did all the wrong doing, I don't feel like I sleep anymore and my head spins and overthinks now more than it ever did before.
I only have close friends and his family that are aware of everything and that's really hard as they never really understand as they arnt having to deal with this 24/7.
Anyways enough about me, I just wanted to say thank you to you and everyone in this forum as before I joined I felt so alone. Which is always crazy to me when I literally have people around me all the time and checking up on me daily. But I think when you think you know someone, and this happens it really does make you not want to trust other individuals anymore. (It's hard to distinguish if people are being honest with you, or just saying things to make you feel better).
If anything it's definitely made me hyper vigilant of all people and that's a scary thing on its own. But I just wanted to say thank you to you all, for not letting me feel alone and I know none of us asked to be here, or want to be here (in this post knock stage). But we are and I'm glad we can help each other, even if it is us just talking about how we feel etc. So thank you from the bottom of my heart x
I have now been dealing with this for over a year, in that time became pregnant by a miracle (was told I was never going to be able to have children and then gave birth early in Feb.) She has been my one and only true saviour in all this. Which is really sad when she is only 5months old and doesn't understand why daddy isn't around anymore.
Your post explained exactly how i feel and have been feeling over the past year. This was never the life I ever wanted. I wanted that happy, mummy/daddy relationship with our little miracle baby, but now I don't even know if he will ever have a relationship with our daughter and that's really hard pill to swallow as i never wanted that for her. Some days I sit here and think to myself that she didn't deserve any of this, but she came in my life for a reason and I feel that reason was to look after me, the same way I do her and to keep me fully distracted.
I have had no real help from any professional. SS make me feel like I the person who did all the wrong doing, I don't feel like I sleep anymore and my head spins and overthinks now more than it ever did before.
I only have close friends and his family that are aware of everything and that's really hard as they never really understand as they arnt having to deal with this 24/7.
Anyways enough about me, I just wanted to say thank you to you and everyone in this forum as before I joined I felt so alone. Which is always crazy to me when I literally have people around me all the time and checking up on me daily. But I think when you think you know someone, and this happens it really does make you not want to trust other individuals anymore. (It's hard to distinguish if people are being honest with you, or just saying things to make you feel better).
If anything it's definitely made me hyper vigilant of all people and that's a scary thing on its own. But I just wanted to say thank you to you all, for not letting me feel alone and I know none of us asked to be here, or want to be here (in this post knock stage). But we are and I'm glad we can help each other, even if it is us just talking about how we feel etc. So thank you from the bottom of my heart x
Your post explained exactly how i feel and have been feeling over the past year. This was never the life I ever wanted. I wanted that happy, mummy/daddy relationship with our little miracle baby, but now I don't even know if he will ever have a relationship with our daughter and that's really hard pill to swallow as i never wanted that for her. Some days I sit here and think to myself that she didn't deserve any of this, but she came in my life for a reason and I feel that reason was to look after me, the same way I do her and to keep me fully distracted.
I have had no real help from any professional. SS make me feel like I the person who did all the wrong doing, I don't feel like I sleep anymore and my head spins and overthinks now more than it ever did before.
I only have close friends and his family that are aware of everything and that's really hard as they never really understand as they arnt having to deal with this 24/7.
Anyways enough about me, I just wanted to say thank you to you and everyone in this forum as before I joined I felt so alone. Which is always crazy to me when I literally have people around me all the time and checking up on me daily. But I think when you think you know someone, and this happens it really does make you not want to trust other individuals anymore. (It's hard to distinguish if people are being honest with you, or just saying things to make you feel better).
If anything it's definitely made me hyper vigilant of all people and that's a scary thing on its own. But I just wanted to say thank you to you all, for not letting me feel alone and I know none of us asked to be here, or want to be here (in this post knock stage). But we are and I'm glad we can help each other, even if it is us just talking about how we feel etc. So thank you from the bottom of my heart x
I feel so alone heartbroken and desolate. My whole world has changed since march when I had the knock for my adult son. I love him and hate him at the same time. He now has been charged and going to court in september.I am so scared that the whole world will know what he has done.I have told only one of my children.everyone is going to judge us.I just feel my whole life has finished.
I feel the same still don't know if am able to stay with him. This is a big cheat even only online. Hate him and love him