How do you carry on living with an offender?
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I'm struggling. My husband was arrested last June, he has told his brother and sister, I have told my sisters but not my brother. Some friends know, some of them are ex friends now they took it badly. We are in limbo waiting for the conclusion to all this, not knowing what will happen is slowly destroying me.
I fear if I tell my brother and his wife they will have a strong adverse reaction (my sisters have been supportive and want what's best for me). If they do they might, effectively, ask me to choose between them and my husband.
Sometimes I want a divorce, sometimes not. I know I willl not be good on my own and will struggle, he took care of so much in our lives, not in a controlling way, but doing what we needed.I am so hurt and angry though, I feel betrayed and belittled, like our marriage meant nothing to him. How do you cope living with this? Should we split up? How can I manage living with someone that has viewed indecent images of children online? He is remorseful and is having therapy through Stopso. The genesis of all of it was his traumatic childhood, he tells me. Should I believe him? I know things were difficult with an abusive father, but is this a reason? I feel so ashamed to be married to him, the pain I feel about it all is corroding my life. There is no pleasure in anything, only anxiety, uncertainty and rage. How can you live with someone that has done this?
I fear if I tell my brother and his wife they will have a strong adverse reaction (my sisters have been supportive and want what's best for me). If they do they might, effectively, ask me to choose between them and my husband.
Sometimes I want a divorce, sometimes not. I know I willl not be good on my own and will struggle, he took care of so much in our lives, not in a controlling way, but doing what we needed.I am so hurt and angry though, I feel betrayed and belittled, like our marriage meant nothing to him. How do you cope living with this? Should we split up? How can I manage living with someone that has viewed indecent images of children online? He is remorseful and is having therapy through Stopso. The genesis of all of it was his traumatic childhood, he tells me. Should I believe him? I know things were difficult with an abusive father, but is this a reason? I feel so ashamed to be married to him, the pain I feel about it all is corroding my life. There is no pleasure in anything, only anxiety, uncertainty and rage. How can you live with someone that has done this?
Hi, this journey changes us forever, some of us (myself included) choose to stay and some choose not to. Your choice is yours alone to make, my only advise is do so in time with consideration and thought not based on the opinion of others or raw emotion. Non of us asked to be on this journey nor did any expect it and non of us would be here through choice but we are. I've learnt so much about online offences. They are complex and all too common. The numbers being charged are immense yet it is still an incredibly emotive and taboo subject little spoken about for fear of repercussions and judgement. This leaves us feeling overwhelmed and isolated. This forum has absolutely saved my life, I value those using it and offering me advise and support immeasurably. I hope you find the same.
I've learned how incredibly resilient and strong I am and how much I can do alone. We were also a strong team and he was my rock. My husband received an unexpected custodial sentence and my world fell apart. 4 months on I am doing this & I am strong. Some days are good some are not but they are a moment in time and each is a new one. I face the challenges as they come. You too are strong and you will get through this wether you choose to stay or leave x
Sending you strength x
I've learned how incredibly resilient and strong I am and how much I can do alone. We were also a strong team and he was my rock. My husband received an unexpected custodial sentence and my world fell apart. 4 months on I am doing this & I am strong. Some days are good some are not but they are a moment in time and each is a new one. I face the challenges as they come. You too are strong and you will get through this wether you choose to stay or leave x
Sending you strength x
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I feel the same as you and have separated from my ex. It's so shitty. I feel disgusted by him and can't bear being around him even for contact with kids but so absolutely broken when he isn't here. He has blamed childhood and also me for not being emotionally supportive evough during his depression. Although he has said that wasn't fair of him to say that since. He claims he hasn't viewed iioc(this is suspected) just extreme stuff but I have no trust anymore - I so hope he is being honest.
I have told a few people. I am 100% sure they would not be supportive if I chose to stay though so would agree with keeping it quiet at least until you have decided for sure.
I have told a few people. I am 100% sure they would not be supportive if I chose to stay though so would agree with keeping it quiet at least until you have decided for sure.
Hiya hun.
I hope you are well.
I was put into the same boat at yourself. May 21 we had the knock and my world caved but I thought you know what he is my idiot and will stick by him.
June 22 had the court and luckly no media nothing in the press. We moved away. Nobody in the family knows.
We have had the visor visits and probation visits which I take him to and sit outside in the car.
We have had holidays , only once was it the 7 days which we told visor which was ok apart from that nobody bothers us.
Looking for work for him around October but we just carry on.
I hope you are well.
I was put into the same boat at yourself. May 21 we had the knock and my world caved but I thought you know what he is my idiot and will stick by him.
June 22 had the court and luckly no media nothing in the press. We moved away. Nobody in the family knows.
We have had the visor visits and probation visits which I take him to and sit outside in the car.
We have had holidays , only once was it the 7 days which we told visor which was ok apart from that nobody bothers us.
Looking for work for him around October but we just carry on.
Hi pink rose. Reading your post was like I'd written it. The way you've been feeling is so similar to me. My person had the knock in April 2021, first court date was 30th March this year. Still not over.
He was arrested for having IIOC on our laptop. I hated him when he told me it was true, I was devastated and felt totally betrayed. I couldn't believe he'd put me and the kids in such a horrible situation. Also I felt sick at the thought of what he'd done. However, time is a healer. Seeing how he's taken responsibility for the offence and made a huge effort to sort himself out has shown me how much he wants to fix things. We're actually the closest we've ever been. He's so much more open with me which makes a huge difference.
Our relationship was in a terrible place before the knock because he was so depressed and pushed me away. He was sexually abused as a child and after the knock was the first he'd ever spoken about it. Knowing how he'd kept this trauma to himself for so long was heartbreaking.
I'm up and down like you. 2 weeks ago I was in tears because I was so desperately unhappy and didn't know if we should be together. This week is a better week and I'm more positive. I think those feeling come from fear of the unknown, fear of the shame associated with the offences and fear that everyone thinks you're a bad mum.
We've decided to hold out until the case is over and hopefully SS back off a bit and we can start a fresh. We can't possibly decide our future while we are still in limbo. We need to know what our new normal will be like and if we can fix the damage. If we've given it a go and it doesn't work out we've at least tired. What we don't want to do is be forced to separate because of professionals and others opinions. We have too much to lose to just give it all up, stable home with mortgage and a family with our kids.
I've lost friends over this, friends who were close and thought would understand. One friend basically said I was putting my children at risk by staying with him and in my head she was just saying you're a bad mum. The friends who have supported me have actually supported me and are non judegmental. They listen, they are a shoulder to cry on when I need it and they want me to be happy....whatever that looks like.
No one else is in your shoes and people could say if they were, they would do this or do that, but until you're in it, you don't know how you're going to feel. Everyone's story is different and personal to them. Until the horrible limbo phase is over it is very difficult to see clearly. So many things cloud my head thinking of the ifs, buts and maybes. You just have to stick it out and stay strong.
It would be terrible if family make you choose, them or him. That's not supportive. Being supportive is helping you get through this and not adding more pressure and grief to your life.
Coming on this forum is the best thing I've done since this has happened. It has made me feel stronger that I'm not alone. Please keep posting and sharing your experiences. It's good to offload and know you're not the only one in this mess.
Hugs to you x
He was arrested for having IIOC on our laptop. I hated him when he told me it was true, I was devastated and felt totally betrayed. I couldn't believe he'd put me and the kids in such a horrible situation. Also I felt sick at the thought of what he'd done. However, time is a healer. Seeing how he's taken responsibility for the offence and made a huge effort to sort himself out has shown me how much he wants to fix things. We're actually the closest we've ever been. He's so much more open with me which makes a huge difference.
Our relationship was in a terrible place before the knock because he was so depressed and pushed me away. He was sexually abused as a child and after the knock was the first he'd ever spoken about it. Knowing how he'd kept this trauma to himself for so long was heartbreaking.
I'm up and down like you. 2 weeks ago I was in tears because I was so desperately unhappy and didn't know if we should be together. This week is a better week and I'm more positive. I think those feeling come from fear of the unknown, fear of the shame associated with the offences and fear that everyone thinks you're a bad mum.
We've decided to hold out until the case is over and hopefully SS back off a bit and we can start a fresh. We can't possibly decide our future while we are still in limbo. We need to know what our new normal will be like and if we can fix the damage. If we've given it a go and it doesn't work out we've at least tired. What we don't want to do is be forced to separate because of professionals and others opinions. We have too much to lose to just give it all up, stable home with mortgage and a family with our kids.
I've lost friends over this, friends who were close and thought would understand. One friend basically said I was putting my children at risk by staying with him and in my head she was just saying you're a bad mum. The friends who have supported me have actually supported me and are non judegmental. They listen, they are a shoulder to cry on when I need it and they want me to be happy....whatever that looks like.
No one else is in your shoes and people could say if they were, they would do this or do that, but until you're in it, you don't know how you're going to feel. Everyone's story is different and personal to them. Until the horrible limbo phase is over it is very difficult to see clearly. So many things cloud my head thinking of the ifs, buts and maybes. You just have to stick it out and stay strong.
It would be terrible if family make you choose, them or him. That's not supportive. Being supportive is helping you get through this and not adding more pressure and grief to your life.
Coming on this forum is the best thing I've done since this has happened. It has made me feel stronger that I'm not alone. Please keep posting and sharing your experiences. It's good to offload and know you're not the only one in this mess.
Hugs to you x
It's really important to not make any rash decisions take your time and look after you.
I try and remind myself he's made a bad mistake but that doesn't mean that's him! I'm sure there are good parts about your person too. It's easy to get consumed in all the drama of the offence and the uncertainty of it all.
We are not together in a relationship at present but I am supportive best I can be I want my children to have the best dad they can!
I try and remind myself he's made a bad mistake but that doesn't mean that's him! I'm sure there are good parts about your person too. It's easy to get consumed in all the drama of the offence and the uncertainty of it all.
We are not together in a relationship at present but I am supportive best I can be I want my children to have the best dad they can!
Give yourself time to breathe and to think. At the beginning I was to throw him out and good riddens to him. But as the months passed I saw the man I'd married and loved resurfacing. We all make mistakes , some bigger than others. The mistake is only a tiny fragment of the memories we have shared together. We both told everyone at New Year we were separating and he rented a flat. He was sentenced last week to 2 years inside . Everyone has believed our story so no questions asked. We were lucky there were no press so our story is safe. Now I'm counting down the days until he's home.
So the morale of my story is , no one not even yourself knows how you feel at the moment. You need time to calm down , reflect and think. Don't stay unless you know you love him and can't lose him. Don't go because people tell you to go. Will he make you laugh and smile or will he make you worried and anxious. Take care time will help you decide xx
So the morale of my story is , no one not even yourself knows how you feel at the moment. You need time to calm down , reflect and think. Don't stay unless you know you love him and can't lose him. Don't go because people tell you to go. Will he make you laugh and smile or will he make you worried and anxious. Take care time will help you decide xx
Interesting read ladies. Slightly different / my son is the offender. When faced with this horror you do think how can someone love you and then bring on such devastation by secretly viewing this filth.
I know my son loved all his family, not always eye to eye with his dad but we always have been very close. He got into watching this stuff (for whatever reason?) and sadly the behaviour got worse.
like so many on this thread I have lost SO much, job, friends, change in family relationships, pain & suffering. I have to carry the heavy burden of lies to secretly keep in touch with him.
I'll do my damn best to support him through this as I know he's not a bad man. I have been pushed and pulled by various opinions but stand tall and strong by my decisions. Not always easy but it can be done.....
rambling on, yet again - trying to say, don't be swayed do whatever makes you happy. I respect other people's decisions on the matter, their choice but I also have a choice - one I can live and feel at peace with.
I know my son loved all his family, not always eye to eye with his dad but we always have been very close. He got into watching this stuff (for whatever reason?) and sadly the behaviour got worse.
like so many on this thread I have lost SO much, job, friends, change in family relationships, pain & suffering. I have to carry the heavy burden of lies to secretly keep in touch with him.
I'll do my damn best to support him through this as I know he's not a bad man. I have been pushed and pulled by various opinions but stand tall and strong by my decisions. Not always easy but it can be done.....
rambling on, yet again - trying to say, don't be swayed do whatever makes you happy. I respect other people's decisions on the matter, their choice but I also have a choice - one I can live and feel at peace with.