How do I tell my daughter about her brother
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At some point, I need to tell my 20 year old daughter what's been going on. She recently left home and has a history of anxiety which culminated in a brief spell of self harming in her mid teens. We've decided not to tell her till we really have to. At the moment, that will probably be between charging and court appearance. I've got details of mental health services available and have myself and my husband flagged up on our GP's system in case we need support as time goes on. I dread her giving me an ultimatum to walk away from my son. I will pre-empt her with a plea that she doesn't do that and will let her know I will sort her and if she wants nothing to do with him again, I'll make sure she won't have to. This is really eating away at me here!
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It's difficult to type on a phone screen that doesn't show the whole page!
It's difficult to type on a phone screen that doesn't show the whole page!
This is a tough one but at some point she's going to have to know, does anyone other than you and your son know? If they do then it only takes a slip up and the cats out of the bag so to speak.
You need to tell her before that happens, in fact she might be angry that you haven't told her sooner. As long as you have support in place for her I think you need to bite the bullet and do it.
I do understand what you're saying though and how would you make the choice between them - a parents worse nightmare
Thinking of you xx
You need to tell her before that happens, in fact she might be angry that you haven't told her sooner. As long as you have support in place for her I think you need to bite the bullet and do it.
I do understand what you're saying though and how would you make the choice between them - a parents worse nightmare
Thinking of you xx
Hi Mandy - yes, this is very tough. Not knowing your daughter it is difficult to give advice but I am thinking too would she be more upset at you not telling her at the earliest opportunity? It would be awful for her to find out from someone else rather than you. I just hate so much all the difficult situations we face and decisions we have to make through no fault of our own. Wishing you lots of love. Xx
No-one else knows but me, my husband and, obviously, my son. She'll be the first I tell.
Hi MandyW, what an awful situation you're in. If it's any consolation, I too suffer from anxiety and had a history of mental health problems even before finding myself in this situation. None of it has been easy, but I'm glad I heard it from my partner himself - it didn't make the situation any better, but there are certain things that the police haven't been able to disclose to me, but could disclose to his ex, who then relayed it to me and when it turns into chinese whispers it gets messier and hurts more.
I haven't told any of my family, but what I have done is written down an account of what's happened so that, when the time comes, I don't need to find the words and I can explain to them what's been going on. I don't know if that would help you at all?
I haven't told any of my family, but what I have done is written down an account of what's happened so that, when the time comes, I don't need to find the words and I can explain to them what's been going on. I don't know if that would help you at all?
Thanks Jayne for your kind words. And I hope you can get through the awful stuff you're going through which you mentioned on another thread x
There is a big reason I'm not telling her until he's been charged. Apart from if he isn't charged she never needs to know. That's most unlikely however. The thing is, I know how life changing this is. Once it's out, you can't take it back. I have previous.
When I was 20, it came out that my stepfather had been abusing my younger sister. He'd always made me feel uncomfortable generally and I had already left home by then at 17. I'm now in my 50s. This has affected me and my siblings, cousins and other relatives since I was 20 years old. As I say, life changing. The damage was massively far reaching.
There will be several weeks between charging and the case coming to court. Daughter has only just moved in with her boyfriend, as I'd done with mine all those years ago. I want her to have a few more months of happiness unspoilt by this hideous situation.
I just cannot believe that another major sexual offence has hit my family.
I'm also appreciating how little my family understood or acknowledged what my stepfather's mother went through all those years ago. What we interpreted as standing by him and rejecting us was probably nothing of the sort. She must have been in hell. I'm in hell right now. I wish I could have a conversation with her about this but she's long dead. She was such a lovely lady.
Mind you, I wish I could go back and do an awful lot of things. All those years I respected my kids privacy. What a fool!
No I don't blame myself but I can't help examining the past in my head and thinking about turning points in life that led my son down this path. 7 years of doing this. I doubt even his autism is going to get him off a prison sentence.
When I was 20, it came out that my stepfather had been abusing my younger sister. He'd always made me feel uncomfortable generally and I had already left home by then at 17. I'm now in my 50s. This has affected me and my siblings, cousins and other relatives since I was 20 years old. As I say, life changing. The damage was massively far reaching.
There will be several weeks between charging and the case coming to court. Daughter has only just moved in with her boyfriend, as I'd done with mine all those years ago. I want her to have a few more months of happiness unspoilt by this hideous situation.
I just cannot believe that another major sexual offence has hit my family.
I'm also appreciating how little my family understood or acknowledged what my stepfather's mother went through all those years ago. What we interpreted as standing by him and rejecting us was probably nothing of the sort. She must have been in hell. I'm in hell right now. I wish I could have a conversation with her about this but she's long dead. She was such a lovely lady.
Mind you, I wish I could go back and do an awful lot of things. All those years I respected my kids privacy. What a fool!
No I don't blame myself but I can't help examining the past in my head and thinking about turning points in life that led my son down this path. 7 years of doing this. I doubt even his autism is going to get him off a prison sentence.