Family and Friends Forum

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

my person was investigated 5 years ago when we weren't living together, and then closed with NFA.



5 years on we live together (with my two kids) got engaged six months ago and was arrested 3 weeks ago on suspicion of facilitating a child sex offence. I took him back and wanted to believe it was all over and was nothing serious .



looking back I never did fully trust him after that point. And I should have trusted my gut, but I loved him and told myself the good outweighed the bad.



look at me now. Life ripped apart by him again, having to start over as a single parent at 47. If he's guilty of what the police say, what he fobbed me off as nothing serious and just some images he got sent accidentally - could now be facing a custodial sentence.



it will be hard, and everyone's situation is different, but do ask whether you can live a future wondering whether this could happen again and whether you want to put yourself through it all again xxx

yes that is the news people want however you are right just because it doesn't result in criminal charges doesn't mean it didn't happen and it may happen in the future. You need to work out what you are happy with and if your person is willing to work on themselves in order to not let this happen again. I'd hope for many this lucky warning would be enough of a deterrent.
It's always a tricky one stay or walk away just remember it's you who must be happy with the desicion you make. Have a look at the pinned post about the P word.

I can relate and I'm sure many on here can too with what you're feeling.
There are good days and some very bad ones too but I think that's how life will be now from here on - with or without the offending person.
I think the issue of trust and hurt is the biggest thing in all of this and even if you walk away that feeling of being let down and broken will almost always be there. I wish I'm proven wrong but then there's a lot of things I wish and not necessarily all (if any) will come true.
It's utterly soul destroying to find out one day that the person you thought you knew has had a secret life that you knew nothing about. I sometimes wish my person had had an addiction to porn or a childhood trauma that could explain their behaviour but I'm told constantly that they don't. Sometimes I'm almost forcing them to accept that it could be one of those reasons otherwise why on earth would they have done that?? It may make it easier for me to understand and work with and stay. I'm still with my person but each day it gets harder. That first hug as they walk in from work, the gentle hand on your shoulder, the "I love you" every time just before you end a call all seems customary and not natural or wanted anymore. What does it mean anyway? I'd made a career out of loving and looking after my person and thought they felt the same. I was so wrong but do definitely believe that there wasn't much more I could do or give. Like someone here once said, you could give your all with a cherry on top but some (apologies for generalising but it's a common reaccurance) men are never satisfied with what they have before them until it's destroyed.
Ours is one charge of communication with a minor (decoy) and years of online chatting/meeting with women. Nothing further has been found - that we know of. Case is now with cps.
It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. What do you do? What choices do we have? There's no peace either way and I'm taking each day as it comes now. Life can throw such a cruel curveball and not much can beat this one.
My person has taken the sunshine from my life. X

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I've had similar feeling through my journey. It's almost like you're in a constant argument with yourself in your head and it's really draining.

Regardless of the case being closed, you've gone through a massive trauma and your trust has been broken. You have every right to feel this way.

Has your person done any of the courses through StopSo or LFF? I think if there is, or has been in the past, a porn addiction, its definitely something that needs addressing for him and for you. I guess you really want him to take your concerns seriously which in turn could help with bringing back your trust. If he wants to make your relationship work he would show you that.

Breaking someone's trust is a huge betrayal and takes a long time to rebuild. Have you considered couples therapy?

I've been very up and down with my feelings towards my person and I think it stems from the hurt, trauma and stress from the whole situation. It's made me paranoid about everything tbh.

Hugs x

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I think it's a different story when your in a prison that solely houses sex offenders.

Don't get me wrong as with all prisons everything is plodding and slow. My son has had to relentlessly chase everything- incl 'trying' to get on a treatment programme, not much success on that one I'm afraid.

I don't know if he'll reoffend, I carnt put my hand on my heart and say he won't. Sadly none of us has a crystal ball..... :-(

I'll support him, pry to God he'll rebuild his life - his future is in his hands... if he does reoffend I'm not sure what the future of our relationship would be..... to put us through this horror (as a family) , the burden I'm having to carry each and every day for him - then go on to do it again. I think bluntly/personally I'd cut my ties.....

But, as we always say we 'try' to take each day at a time and just focus on that....

Thanks Lee, he still has a while to serve but will have a read xxxx

Advice101



unfortunately I've discovered a web of lies

going back to 2016 a year before we met.

I contacted an old ex of his, he told me when they were together he was arrested for downloading images - tonnes of evidence and she has no idea why no prosecution.



he then dated me online from 2017 (still under bail conditions) which I have only just discovered. He lied about all of this.



he lied about the reason for the 2018 investigation and the NFA. And for that reason I am done with him. I supported him for the last 6 years and I think he has just lied to me throughout. I've always advocated support but I don't know if he got any. I think he was in denial (to me at least) that he'd done anything wrong.

In 2016 the arresting officer said if there is no intervention/help for offending this will escalate... and here we are five years later... with the child sex offence arrest! I have no idea what this means, whether it was just online chat or he was thinking of actually carrying out an Offence in real life.

I just know, that if he has been chatting to strangers/using chat rooms with other adults - then that to me is cheating. And I no longer want a part of that life. I am worth more than that heartache and deserve a life without not being able to trust.

we had some great times but also a lot of heartache, heavy drinking, phone addiction, secrecy and I cannot and will not put myself and my children through that anymore as hard as it's going to be starting over.

Maybe I'll stay in contact as a friend but we don't have a future together. Xx



i really want to know how it got to this stage for him, I'm not sure he will tell me, not at least until the police have told him what evidence they have anyway.

Smile

Hope all is ok with you both x

I have read up a lot on Circles (as Lee mentioned) and spoke to my son about how they could be of great support once he is out, a long way to go yet,

He has no rehabilitation as yet the course they do he will eventually go on but this about 6 months before he is released xx

Upset - So rehabilitation programmes are offered six months before release? I wish my son would be told of these time-lines, he always seems to be in the dark.

I wish he'd be more proactive!

Advice101,



thank you, totally agree about the intervention.



my person hasnt yet told me/admitted what he's been doing all this time, I suspect it is the chat room stuff - this makes me so desperately sad, I don't want to know but I also need to, if you understand.



I know via a third party he is extremely sorry - but sorry he's been caught and now this, as he was quite happy to keep going until one month ago!



he definitely needs help, I'm doing the inform course soon I think, as I want to understand more. I can't be in a relation ship with him but I'd like to think I could still be in contact. He may well receive a custodial sentence - I don't know what evidence the police have yet and he's not going to admit anything before that xx