Hi Guys,
It has taken a lot of courage to post on here but I am at the point where I am just feeling so alone.
I have been with my husband since we were 16 (11.5 years) and have been married for 4.5 years. We were in the process of buying a family home and were just about to start trying for a baby, which I have longed for for as long as I can remember. Then in April, this happened and my world has come crashing down around me.
It all started when my cousin was staying with us. He is 16 years old and is transitioning from female to male (physically female but identifies as male). It was the third morning of the stay and, while my husband was downstairs getting ready for work, my cousin came to wake me up. He was shaking and pale and told me he had just found my husbands phone filming him in the shower. I never doubted him and went to confront my husband straight away. I found the video on his phone. His excuse was that he was “curious”. This made me feel physically sick.
My cousins family (quite rightly) made the descision to contact the police and my husband was arrested that afternoon for voyerism. Our house was emptied of all devices and cameras and he was taken in for questioning. While in questioning he refused legal aid and admitted to downloading indecent images for at least 8 years, of varying categories (although he says not A, I’m not sure I believe him). This must have been going on since we were in uni and yet I had no idea.
He was released in the early hours of the next morning and came home. I left early that morning to run some unavoidable errands and to give myself the headspace to think about what to do - he had ripped my family apart and I was heartbroken- did I even know him? When I came back early evening, I returned to the house swarming with police - my husband had tried to kill himself and was found with liver and kidney failure after overdosing and with only one pint of blood remaining after slitting his wrists and legs.
I stayed by his side for days until I knew that he was safe and had the support he needed and then I made the descision to leave him which was the hardest descision I have ever had to make.
The thing is, I’m a secondary school teacher, a head of year and heavily involved with mental health, I’m a brownie leader and a youth worker for my church. While they have been really supportive, I have had to jump through hoop after hoop to be let back to work and to remain a leader. Staying with him would mean I would lose everything. My family made it clear they would not stay by my side if I made the descision to stay with him and work and Brownies made it clear I had to leave him. I had no choice and yet I can’t stop loving him overnight. I feel guilty for leaving him at his worse which is why I wanted to make sure he had the support he needed. And yet I still wonder - was he only with me because of my involvement with children?
But what happens when, inevitably, it reaches the local media? What will the parents say? What will the other teachers say? Will I be forced out of work?
I feel like I am drowning in conflicting feelings and I feel so so alone. My future has been crushed and I am feeling more and more distant from everyone. While I have seen a counsellor for a few sessions I cannot afford more sessions.
Has anyone got any advice on how to cope and how to prepare for the media onslaught?
Scared, lonely and heartbroken.
It has taken a lot of courage to post on here but I am at the point where I am just feeling so alone.
I have been with my husband since we were 16 (11.5 years) and have been married for 4.5 years. We were in the process of buying a family home and were just about to start trying for a baby, which I have longed for for as long as I can remember. Then in April, this happened and my world has come crashing down around me.
It all started when my cousin was staying with us. He is 16 years old and is transitioning from female to male (physically female but identifies as male). It was the third morning of the stay and, while my husband was downstairs getting ready for work, my cousin came to wake me up. He was shaking and pale and told me he had just found my husbands phone filming him in the shower. I never doubted him and went to confront my husband straight away. I found the video on his phone. His excuse was that he was “curious”. This made me feel physically sick.
My cousins family (quite rightly) made the descision to contact the police and my husband was arrested that afternoon for voyerism. Our house was emptied of all devices and cameras and he was taken in for questioning. While in questioning he refused legal aid and admitted to downloading indecent images for at least 8 years, of varying categories (although he says not A, I’m not sure I believe him). This must have been going on since we were in uni and yet I had no idea.
He was released in the early hours of the next morning and came home. I left early that morning to run some unavoidable errands and to give myself the headspace to think about what to do - he had ripped my family apart and I was heartbroken- did I even know him? When I came back early evening, I returned to the house swarming with police - my husband had tried to kill himself and was found with liver and kidney failure after overdosing and with only one pint of blood remaining after slitting his wrists and legs.
I stayed by his side for days until I knew that he was safe and had the support he needed and then I made the descision to leave him which was the hardest descision I have ever had to make.
The thing is, I’m a secondary school teacher, a head of year and heavily involved with mental health, I’m a brownie leader and a youth worker for my church. While they have been really supportive, I have had to jump through hoop after hoop to be let back to work and to remain a leader. Staying with him would mean I would lose everything. My family made it clear they would not stay by my side if I made the descision to stay with him and work and Brownies made it clear I had to leave him. I had no choice and yet I can’t stop loving him overnight. I feel guilty for leaving him at his worse which is why I wanted to make sure he had the support he needed. And yet I still wonder - was he only with me because of my involvement with children?
But what happens when, inevitably, it reaches the local media? What will the parents say? What will the other teachers say? Will I be forced out of work?
I feel like I am drowning in conflicting feelings and I feel so so alone. My future has been crushed and I am feeling more and more distant from everyone. While I have seen a counsellor for a few sessions I cannot afford more sessions.
Has anyone got any advice on how to cope and how to prepare for the media onslaught?
Scared, lonely and heartbroken.
Broken hearted, well done on finding the courage to post on here. We don’t have the answers, but it does help to feel like there’s a support network who “get it”.
It sounds like you’re in an impossible situation and your honesty is admirable; I too am a leader for girlguiding, but I’ve been making excuses since this happened, rather than admitting the shame. Like you, I had no idea that my partner had been doing what he’s done; before all of this I wouldn’t have believed that someone in my situation could miss it, but it’s true - I had no idea.
At this point, I’ve made no decision on whether to stay with my partner or not, but my family don’t know yet. I know they’ll insist I leave once they find out. My work have already pushed me to resign, which I think is down to the fact that I haven’t left him.
I don’t know how you’ll cope with the media, or if it will even hit the media. What I do know is that you will cope. You’ll get through it because you have to. You’ve come this far and you’ll keep going.
It sounds like you’re in an impossible situation and your honesty is admirable; I too am a leader for girlguiding, but I’ve been making excuses since this happened, rather than admitting the shame. Like you, I had no idea that my partner had been doing what he’s done; before all of this I wouldn’t have believed that someone in my situation could miss it, but it’s true - I had no idea.
At this point, I’ve made no decision on whether to stay with my partner or not, but my family don’t know yet. I know they’ll insist I leave once they find out. My work have already pushed me to resign, which I think is down to the fact that I haven’t left him.
I don’t know how you’ll cope with the media, or if it will even hit the media. What I do know is that you will cope. You’ll get through it because you have to. You’ve come this far and you’ll keep going.
Oh broken hearted, what an awful situation and I've that only you can really deal with in afraid.
I felt the same as you, I had no choice but to leave my husband but just because I was horrified at what he'd done but also because I knew I'd have lost my family to a certain extent, it wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have had the same relationship with my boys and any grandchildren wouldn't have been coming to our house - that broke my heart, but even though I made the right decision for me I was heart broken. I loved him, we'd been together for 15 years, married for 11, we were taking about retirement and now, out of the blue that had all gone, all my dreams, security and future.
What's you are feeling is completely normal but that doesn't make it stop hurting, you can't just so loving this person, it does get easier but I'm over a year down the road and some sometimes it's like I'm back at the beginning again.
There is no telling if it'll make the papers or not, my husband had hundreds of Cat A images and videos plus other things and was imprisoned but it didn't make the papers thank goodness
Please try and take some time just for you and lean on others, your will need it in the coming weeks and months
Xx
I felt the same as you, I had no choice but to leave my husband but just because I was horrified at what he'd done but also because I knew I'd have lost my family to a certain extent, it wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have had the same relationship with my boys and any grandchildren wouldn't have been coming to our house - that broke my heart, but even though I made the right decision for me I was heart broken. I loved him, we'd been together for 15 years, married for 11, we were taking about retirement and now, out of the blue that had all gone, all my dreams, security and future.
What's you are feeling is completely normal but that doesn't make it stop hurting, you can't just so loving this person, it does get easier but I'm over a year down the road and some sometimes it's like I'm back at the beginning again.
There is no telling if it'll make the papers or not, my husband had hundreds of Cat A images and videos plus other things and was imprisoned but it didn't make the papers thank goodness
Please try and take some time just for you and lean on others, your will need it in the coming weeks and months
Xx
I have just shared some of the recent posts with my partner, he has stuck by me and been an absolute tower of strength to me and my children whilst all this has gone on with their Dad. He is amazed by the strength of people on this forum and is glad I have found somewhere to vent/rant/get things off my chest!
You will get through this, there a some incredible lows but having the right people and love around you will keep you strong and determined to keep going.
You will know what is right for you and you will realise when the time comes that you made the right decision for you.
Don't ever feel like a burden to others. The amount of times I have felt like this is too many to count but I have learned that that is what friends and family are for. People will show their true colours and you will realise who means the most and are there for you.
We are all here for each other xx
You will get through this, there a some incredible lows but having the right people and love around you will keep you strong and determined to keep going.
You will know what is right for you and you will realise when the time comes that you made the right decision for you.
Don't ever feel like a burden to others. The amount of times I have felt like this is too many to count but I have learned that that is what friends and family are for. People will show their true colours and you will realise who means the most and are there for you.
We are all here for each other xx
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Dear Broken Hearted
I am nearly 5 months down the line. Have been with my husband 17 years. He has been addicted to porn for over 20 years. I feel as if I never knew him.
I have decidedly separate as well. My work depends on me having a clean dbs check. I cannot risk our only source if income. I can also not sit around and wait for a relapse. I cannot be the emotional support system. I have done that for the last 17 years and more so the last few. I feel that all has been betrayed.
Your needs come first now. Do not feel guilty about that.
I am nearly 5 months down the line. Have been with my husband 17 years. He has been addicted to porn for over 20 years. I feel as if I never knew him.
I have decidedly separate as well. My work depends on me having a clean dbs check. I cannot risk our only source if income. I can also not sit around and wait for a relapse. I cannot be the emotional support system. I have done that for the last 17 years and more so the last few. I feel that all has been betrayed.
Your needs come first now. Do not feel guilty about that.
Thank you all so much for your support. Just knowing there are others going through similar things is such a help.
Although I have the most amazing family, they are understandably struggling too and I dont want to add to that. My friends have been my rocks but it still hurts to see them having a baby and getting thier family homes. It’s so raw for me - I just don’t want to let them know that their excitement and happiness is hurting me, it makes me feel so guilty - they have been there through everything and yet although I am so so happy for them I am also feeling hurt that they are getting what I have had taken away from me.
I am just feeling lost confused and the one person I want to talk to about everything is the man who I can’t trust anymore and has caused all of this to happen.
I will enquire about getting some help through school and see what is available, thanks for the advice.
Although I have the most amazing family, they are understandably struggling too and I dont want to add to that. My friends have been my rocks but it still hurts to see them having a baby and getting thier family homes. It’s so raw for me - I just don’t want to let them know that their excitement and happiness is hurting me, it makes me feel so guilty - they have been there through everything and yet although I am so so happy for them I am also feeling hurt that they are getting what I have had taken away from me.
I am just feeling lost confused and the one person I want to talk to about everything is the man who I can’t trust anymore and has caused all of this to happen.
I will enquire about getting some help through school and see what is available, thanks for the advice.
Broken hearted.
i think all is left is for me to send you love. You post will have reconated with a lovely of us. It’s a painful time you are going through. My husband also attempted suicide twice. He had support now so hope your husband has too.
like you I have separated. For myself I need to get my head around it. I literally had no idea he had these adverse coping mechanisms.
Mid it helps the side of him you knew was real but it appears that for many of these men they had a dark side. It’s completely crap can you imagine disclosing that to a partner they must have felt a lot of shame. But that is for them to process themselves. I may sound mean but our job is also to protect our well-being you didn’t ask for any of this. It’s unfair and I at six plus months in still need support managing my stress.
in practical terms I went to the gp and had time off work which really helped. If you haven’t spoken to your doctor it maybe good to do so. Broken hearted you have had a major trauma. Please take care of yourself.
so pleased you posted. We are a team of survivors on here. Some people relationship have survived. But this depends on therapy etc. It’s hard to turn of our emotions. So I truly feel for you.
i hope his mental health team can support his recovery and you get support for you.
all the best
beth Lou xxx
i think all is left is for me to send you love. You post will have reconated with a lovely of us. It’s a painful time you are going through. My husband also attempted suicide twice. He had support now so hope your husband has too.
like you I have separated. For myself I need to get my head around it. I literally had no idea he had these adverse coping mechanisms.
Mid it helps the side of him you knew was real but it appears that for many of these men they had a dark side. It’s completely crap can you imagine disclosing that to a partner they must have felt a lot of shame. But that is for them to process themselves. I may sound mean but our job is also to protect our well-being you didn’t ask for any of this. It’s unfair and I at six plus months in still need support managing my stress.
in practical terms I went to the gp and had time off work which really helped. If you haven’t spoken to your doctor it maybe good to do so. Broken hearted you have had a major trauma. Please take care of yourself.
so pleased you posted. We are a team of survivors on here. Some people relationship have survived. But this depends on therapy etc. It’s hard to turn of our emotions. So I truly feel for you.
i hope his mental health team can support his recovery and you get support for you.
all the best
beth Lou xxx