2 years of waiting
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The knock came for me in July 2021. Two detectives arrived and pushed their way into my home. They told me to go into another room as they needed to talk to my long-term partner and they couldn’t tell me why. I waited for an hour in silence wondering what on earth it could be about. I felt sick to my stomach, but not as sick as when I found out why they were there. The detectives came into the living room and said they couldn’t tell me anything (as we were not married I guess?) but asked if he’d ever used my work laptop or my phone. I said no so they said they could be left with me. I was so confused. They eventually left and he came out the spare room- he looked like he’d seen a ghost. He said he couldn’t tell me what he’d done as it would hurt me. I said he had to. He eventually said that he’d been an idiot and had been talking to women online but it ‘turned out’ they were underage. I was more worried about his mental state at the time as he said he’d be better off dead as he’d ruined our lives- I spent the afternoon trying to convince him not to kill himself. I asked so many questions but didn’t get many answers. The gist I got was that there was one girl in particular that he’d been in contact with for almost a year- he never physically met her but they spoke via social media daily and sent each other photos and videos (which were explicit). He said he stopped speaking to her a year before the knock. He said he didn’t know what age she was and age was never brought up. There was another few ‘women’ he’d spoken to as well- i don’t know if they were underage? He just spoke to them, no photos or videos. The police did not charge him as far as I’m aware- they took his phone and laptop in for examination and he went in for a ‘voluntary interview’ the next morning. The police advised that he should obtain a lawyer- he is the one that insisted on having the interview the next morning to ‘get it over with’ and they said he might not have time to hire a lawyer in this time so he asked for a duty lawyer to be present on the day. He was free to come home after and there didn’t seem to be any conditions or rules he had to follow? They didn’t give him a timeframe of how long the process would be. It is now April 2023 and he hasn’t heard a thing from the police. Is this normal? It is one of the major cities in England so not sure if there is a backlog? For the last few months I’ve been convinced that this means that he can’t be in serious trouble and they would have been in touch my now if he was going to be charged, but what about his devices? Am I being naive? During the interview they showed him sexual images of himself and asked if it was him which he admitted it was. If they had evidence, why is it taking so long? Why did it take a year from when he last spoke to her to them coming to the house? He admitted he had created a fake profile and said he was 21 (he’s actually at least 10 years older than this). It makes me physically sick if I think about it too much. I left him the next day- thankfully we don’t have any children. I get in touch sporadically to ask if he’s had any updates but he always says no and that I’ll be the first person he tells if he hears, but I don’t know if he’s lying to me? What would be the benefit of him not telling me? The outcome won’t change the fact that our relationship is over but I feel like I need to know- I can’t properly move on with my life until I know what will happen to him and what exactly he is guilty of. He keeps saying he wants to talk to me once it’s ‘all over’ so it feels like this dark cloud hanging over me and I think about it every day. It is just so shocking and those first few months were truly traumatic. Any help or advice on the legal process would be much appreciated- when is he likely to hear? Why has it taken almost 2 years already? I Google his name now and again and don’t see anything online so think he is telling the truth that he hasn’t heard. Can the police keep us hanging this long? It’s like torture. He refuses to get in touch with them to ask for an update as I think he’s scared of what they’ll say.
Hey Life,
It does take a while to get their investigations complete and for the CPS to decide to charge - some people have waited 3/4 years. Building a case of this nature can be quite difficult and lengthy because of the amount of evidence there can be as well as proving a crime.
I'll be really honest with you and I say it with the kindest of intentions, it's unlikely he didn't know the age as without confirmation of him knowing or at least having been told an age then there wouldn't potentially be a case against him. There could also be a chance that it wasn't a year previous, it could've been recent. This is the problem with crimes like this, the partner/ex-partners aren't told anything and you have to rely on what they say or be privy to the paperwork or meetings with solicitors. There could be a chance he has been charged or even convicted and it hasn't been released in the media - not all cases are published.
I understand you want closure but I think you could be waiting a very long time and even then you may not get the answers you are looking for. Is it a case of you want to understand why he's (potentially) done what he's done? What reason exactly do you want to know all of the ins and outs or at least the basics? Xx
It does take a while to get their investigations complete and for the CPS to decide to charge - some people have waited 3/4 years. Building a case of this nature can be quite difficult and lengthy because of the amount of evidence there can be as well as proving a crime.
I'll be really honest with you and I say it with the kindest of intentions, it's unlikely he didn't know the age as without confirmation of him knowing or at least having been told an age then there wouldn't potentially be a case against him. There could also be a chance that it wasn't a year previous, it could've been recent. This is the problem with crimes like this, the partner/ex-partners aren't told anything and you have to rely on what they say or be privy to the paperwork or meetings with solicitors. There could be a chance he has been charged or even convicted and it hasn't been released in the media - not all cases are published.
I understand you want closure but I think you could be waiting a very long time and even then you may not get the answers you are looking for. Is it a case of you want to understand why he's (potentially) done what he's done? What reason exactly do you want to know all of the ins and outs or at least the basics? Xx
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Hi Baffled,
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I was worried no one would read my massive post!
Thank you for the info and advice- I thought they could be in trouble even if they did not know the age but the fact the person is underage is reason enough for the police to get involved? I'm clueless really as I avoided looking at anything to do with it all for months, except from the first few days and I think I've blocked a lot of that time out of my mind.
I think the reason I want to know the outcome is mainly for closure and for this chapter to be closed and put behind me so I can properly move on. It's probably also a case of still caring for him very much as we were together for 12 years and were a few weeks away from getting married when the police came. I don't want anything bad to happen to him really but I know he needs to face any consequences. I worry for his mental health as he has suffered with depression in the past, before all of this. I know he should have thought of the consequences of his actions, but somehow I just feel sorry for him. I don't even have any anger towards him- it's very confusing and people around me are struggling to understand why I'm not very angry with him. I just feel really sad and worried. So I also think if I hear the extent to which he has lied since he was found out, it will incite some anger in me and will make it easier to move on. It is so hard to trust anything he says now as I'm sure you understand so I don't know if he's telling me the truth.
I just can't believe how long it is taking and can't imagine how he's coping as it is bad enough for me, and I'm so removed from it all now really.
Thank you xx
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I was worried no one would read my massive post!
Thank you for the info and advice- I thought they could be in trouble even if they did not know the age but the fact the person is underage is reason enough for the police to get involved? I'm clueless really as I avoided looking at anything to do with it all for months, except from the first few days and I think I've blocked a lot of that time out of my mind.
I think the reason I want to know the outcome is mainly for closure and for this chapter to be closed and put behind me so I can properly move on. It's probably also a case of still caring for him very much as we were together for 12 years and were a few weeks away from getting married when the police came. I don't want anything bad to happen to him really but I know he needs to face any consequences. I worry for his mental health as he has suffered with depression in the past, before all of this. I know he should have thought of the consequences of his actions, but somehow I just feel sorry for him. I don't even have any anger towards him- it's very confusing and people around me are struggling to understand why I'm not very angry with him. I just feel really sad and worried. So I also think if I hear the extent to which he has lied since he was found out, it will incite some anger in me and will make it easier to move on. It is so hard to trust anything he says now as I'm sure you understand so I don't know if he's telling me the truth.
I just can't believe how long it is taking and can't imagine how he's coping as it is bad enough for me, and I'm so removed from it all now really.
Thank you xx
We got the knock in December 2021 when the police seized our laptops and a load of other tech. We heard nothing for ages until he had to answer bail 6 months later at the police station. We actually convinced ourselves that the CPS was going to drop charges until this year when the letter came through with the charges after all his tech had been analysed. Seven charges. He's now been to Magistrates Court where they decided it needed to proceed to Crown Court. He attended his Crown Court plea hearing last week where the judge outlined the course his case will take with the trial in January 2024.
It felt at first like nothing was happening. I convinced myself it would 'just disappear'. Then reality set in and I think the next 6 months are going to feel like a runaway train hurtling to our final destination.
It felt at first like nothing was happening. I convinced myself it would 'just disappear'. Then reality set in and I think the next 6 months are going to feel like a runaway train hurtling to our final destination.
Hi Julie,
I know exactly how you feel, I was convinced it would all go away and it was effectively some kind of sick joke and the day the officer delivered the charges, which I opened and saw all of the charges (I think there were 4/5) I felt like someone had punched me in the chest, I'll never forget how I felt for the next few weeks, I don't know how I got through it, it ruined our Christmas (charges delivered about a week before Christmas).
The trial didn't happen for almost a year after those charges and it got easier to deal with. Even right up to the morning of the trial I was convinced they would throw it out but it wasn't. Sending you all the luck and love in the world xx
I know exactly how you feel, I was convinced it would all go away and it was effectively some kind of sick joke and the day the officer delivered the charges, which I opened and saw all of the charges (I think there were 4/5) I felt like someone had punched me in the chest, I'll never forget how I felt for the next few weeks, I don't know how I got through it, it ruined our Christmas (charges delivered about a week before Christmas).
The trial didn't happen for almost a year after those charges and it got easier to deal with. Even right up to the morning of the trial I was convinced they would throw it out but it wasn't. Sending you all the luck and love in the world xx