My children’s friends and their parents
Notifications OFF
They don't know. I spend my life avoiding certain situations. I feel like my kids aren't going to have a normal upbringing, no sleepovers, no tea parties, no friends visiting. How sad is that? And how May this affect them in later life? They will be adults by the time he gets of SOR.
it's like giving them the option of a normal childhood or not having their dad live with us. It's horrible.
one child has joined a sports team where nobody knows us, they are very social group, parents too. We keep being asked to join them, I either make up an excuse or go alone without oh.
does anyone have any advice? I'm scared if they find out they will disown me and child too, like several of our friends have done already since we disclosed. I feel lonely. I think our kids must feel lonely too.
the other issue is that although the kids know what he did, I don't think they fully understand all the implications and doesn't understand why friends can't come round, any advice or this or advice on how to explain? X
it's like giving them the option of a normal childhood or not having their dad live with us. It's horrible.
one child has joined a sports team where nobody knows us, they are very social group, parents too. We keep being asked to join them, I either make up an excuse or go alone without oh.
does anyone have any advice? I'm scared if they find out they will disown me and child too, like several of our friends have done already since we disclosed. I feel lonely. I think our kids must feel lonely too.
the other issue is that although the kids know what he did, I don't think they fully understand all the implications and doesn't understand why friends can't come round, any advice or this or advice on how to explain? X
That is so difficult. I don't have any advice, or experience, I just wanted to say I really feel for you and your family x sending love x
Jay I feel the same. We have 2 very good friends who know everything and they are happy for their kids to come over. However, they are not my kids school friends. My daughters aged 8 and 5, keep asking for play dates and it absolutely breaks my heart. My person hasn't been sentenced yet but I will not allow other kids over because their parents dont know. It really is s**t!
I worry, especially for my 8 year old, that not having a social life outside of school will restrict her from good friendships. Also as a parent makes me worry what other mums think as their kids are never invited to our house :-(
The whole thing makes me very sad
I worry, especially for my 8 year old, that not having a social life outside of school will restrict her from good friendships. Also as a parent makes me worry what other mums think as their kids are never invited to our house :-(
The whole thing makes me very sad
I am in a similar position, although there is not a contact clause in my persons SHPO and does not live at my address he obviously does visit the kids regularly and it is an addressed notified for purposes of the SOR. I also have not let my little one have friends over just well it's that accociation thing if that's makes sense although no one knows.
Sleepovers are a thing of the past in my eyes no one knows my person is on the SOR how do I know her friends dad is not also?? I don't trust anyone especially now and even before this I just don't think they are appropriate!
You could make excuses that you're having work done to the house? Maybe offer to take her friend to the park with you have a picnic and make more of it if possiable without actually going to your home.
Sleepovers are a thing of the past in my eyes no one knows my person is on the SOR how do I know her friends dad is not also?? I don't trust anyone especially now and even before this I just don't think they are appropriate!
You could make excuses that you're having work done to the house? Maybe offer to take her friend to the park with you have a picnic and make more of it if possiable without actually going to your home.
My eldest could probably understand and I've asked oh to explain why he can't have friends over (after I was so upset and having to lie to him and me being the bad mum for saying no!) but he/I have no idea what to say. I am also worried about him blurting something out at school such as 'you can't come to my house because of my Dad'
he knows dad did a bad thing and viewed some pictures and got told off off the police, he knows some family don't want to speak to him because they are angry with him, but we haven't gone into the full implications x
he knows dad did a bad thing and viewed some pictures and got told off off the police, he knows some family don't want to speak to him because they are angry with him, but we haven't gone into the full implications x
I had such a bad night after writing this last last. Couldn't sleep, anxiety was terrible. What did he do in a former life to deserve this :(
I think what did we do in a former life to deserve this, surely we couldn't have done anything that bad! X
What are the restrictions ?
if it's within your financial ability, book him a near by airbnb (or send him away to family member for overnight stay) and have the kids over.
if the house is a problem, take your child/ren and a couple her/his fave friends to a camping trip ? Just you and kids.
Perhaps that way the children have fun, you don't have guilt and the father is the only one rightfully missing out.
I thought that's what I would do..
Don't be too hard on yourself.
if it's within your financial ability, book him a near by airbnb (or send him away to family member for overnight stay) and have the kids over.
if the house is a problem, take your child/ren and a couple her/his fave friends to a camping trip ? Just you and kids.
Perhaps that way the children have fun, you don't have guilt and the father is the only one rightfully missing out.
I thought that's what I would do..
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Picking up on this thread because it's very much at the forefront of my mind with SS likely to put a CIN in place over the coming weeks. When my OH is visiting sometimes my kids will be out playing and then ask to come back in for a drink with their friends in tow. I try not to let them in but my kids don't understand why. My OH stays out the way, but now he's officially on the SOR and awaiting sentence my anxiety levels are through the roof about it. The last thing I want is the parents of my kids friends to think I've placed their children in any form of danger. I know how I would feel if I knew my kids had been in a house where there was a registered sex offender - not understanding the context. We anticipate the SHPO will be for internet restrictions only but I'm not sure what SS stance will be. Advice or experience welcomed!x
I don't have any advice because my husband no longer lives with us/not in a relationship since the knock. I'm not trying to offend but just an honest personal opinion if I found out my child had been in a house with a registered SO and the mom knew and didnt tell me, I would be cross, even having been on this journey. My advice would be to be honest with your child, if your choosing for dad to stay at home and explain that they can't bring a friend behind them even for a drink, I would also explain a little bit about what other people might think if they found out what dad has done and why it's not a good idea to tell other people, and how it protects them to not tell people.
I know it's hard but I saw a children's trauma therapist to advise and they said being honest is the healthiest way to set them up for the future. I've had to say that to my older ones 'i know what you're going through is really hard and you might want to talk to a friend about it but other people might react this way/that way etc.'
One of my biggest fears for my children's futures is them being rejected by their friends, gossiped about bullied when all this comes out. My heart breaks for them and the idea of post conviction media is so scary.
I know it's hard but I saw a children's trauma therapist to advise and they said being honest is the healthiest way to set them up for the future. I've had to say that to my older ones 'i know what you're going through is really hard and you might want to talk to a friend about it but other people might react this way/that way etc.'
One of my biggest fears for my children's futures is them being rejected by their friends, gossiped about bullied when all this comes out. My heart breaks for them and the idea of post conviction media is so scary.
This is one of a number of reasons why I don't envisage my 'OH' ever moving back in if cautioned / convicted, even if SS would allow him. Sadly it will have a long-term impact on children. I grew up unable to ever have people over & unable to talk about certain serious & upsetting family things with 'outsiders' ever (due to familial MH issues in my family's case) and it has really affected me into adulthood, in lots of ways.
Sad&Scared I'm with you, the importance TO ME of an open loving welcoming home, for my children to share with their friends, can't be overstated. I grew up in a violent, abusive and secretive home and I won't put my children through that.
The future should be theirs to shape as they want, not limited by someone else's actions at such a young age.
Obviously this is a thorny issue and I don't wish to disrespect those who make different choices to mine.
The future should be theirs to shape as they want, not limited by someone else's actions at such a young age.
Obviously this is a thorny issue and I don't wish to disrespect those who make different choices to mine.
My sons story was reported in our local media twice following each court attendance so his story is very much out there. He moved back in with me on the night of his arrest and has remained living here ever since.
He has his own children to stay at weekends and my other Grandchildren and great nephews and nieces visit regularly. His SHPO states no unsupervised contact with under 18's so we make sure he is fully supervised whenever there are children around. We have had children's birthday parties at the house and hosted BBQ's, family events and social events for friends. Parents have generally stayed at the house with their children and are always made to feel welcome.
I'm sure some parents are extra vigilant when my son is around and I know of one parent who chose not to bring her child to a birthday party which I completely understand, but we have managed to ensure the children still enjoy a social life despite the fact my son is on the SOR.
He has his own children to stay at weekends and my other Grandchildren and great nephews and nieces visit regularly. His SHPO states no unsupervised contact with under 18's so we make sure he is fully supervised whenever there are children around. We have had children's birthday parties at the house and hosted BBQ's, family events and social events for friends. Parents have generally stayed at the house with their children and are always made to feel welcome.
I'm sure some parents are extra vigilant when my son is around and I know of one parent who chose not to bring her child to a birthday party which I completely understand, but we have managed to ensure the children still enjoy a social life despite the fact my son is on the SOR.
Post deleted by user
Thanks everyone - Lrf completely agree and will definitely explain it to the children that way. X
This is all so sad to read, even in this thread everyones different journeys/pasts result in different outcomes for their families.
This part, for the parents here of young children especially, is over looked by ss and the media (not that they care) and is completely unfair.
My youngest has never had a friend round, I'm dreading the day they ask, they have been to a couple of parties where the parents didn't know. They haven't been invited to any parties by people that do know except one, it was very uncomfortable and I wanted to leave the entire time because I didn't feel welcome. But my child loved it which is the most important thing.
My eldest is pushing for friends to come over, I just dont feel comfortable with it. Even if my OH is out I still haven't had any children in my house since 2021.
I feel the same that if I found out my kids, youngest especially, went to someones house that was an offender and I didn't know, I wouldn't be happy.
I do think nowadays, kids don't really have sleepovers as much and playdates/parties normally involve the parents staying which is different from when I was a kid and a sensible idea. My personal problem is that because it was reported, my kid probably isn't invited because other mums don't want to entertain me.
That also all sounds sad, but I would rather my children grew up with their dad. He's not a bad guy at all, he's still the amazing father he was before all of this happened. My own childhood was traumatic but my children are very loved and safe and that is because of me and their dad.
This part, for the parents here of young children especially, is over looked by ss and the media (not that they care) and is completely unfair.
My youngest has never had a friend round, I'm dreading the day they ask, they have been to a couple of parties where the parents didn't know. They haven't been invited to any parties by people that do know except one, it was very uncomfortable and I wanted to leave the entire time because I didn't feel welcome. But my child loved it which is the most important thing.
My eldest is pushing for friends to come over, I just dont feel comfortable with it. Even if my OH is out I still haven't had any children in my house since 2021.
I feel the same that if I found out my kids, youngest especially, went to someones house that was an offender and I didn't know, I wouldn't be happy.
I do think nowadays, kids don't really have sleepovers as much and playdates/parties normally involve the parents staying which is different from when I was a kid and a sensible idea. My personal problem is that because it was reported, my kid probably isn't invited because other mums don't want to entertain me.
That also all sounds sad, but I would rather my children grew up with their dad. He's not a bad guy at all, he's still the amazing father he was before all of this happened. My own childhood was traumatic but my children are very loved and safe and that is because of me and their dad.
Hi,
I hope I'm not being naive in what I allow in terms of having friends over (please tell me if I am). My OH doesn't live with us per his bail conditions (and my wishes) but he does currently spend most days at our house ultimately I want to leave him but I figure that it's a process and I'm working my way into being more independent/recoveringfrom illness. My child is a teen and they mostly play online with friends. When his friends have come over then I don't allow his father in the house. I don't believe he is a risk IRL but I think it's just better for everyone himself included that he is no where near the house. This year I'm going to be getting him to spend more time away from us. I'm absolutely praying that his friends families don't find out.
Hycinth
I hope I'm not being naive in what I allow in terms of having friends over (please tell me if I am). My OH doesn't live with us per his bail conditions (and my wishes) but he does currently spend most days at our house ultimately I want to leave him but I figure that it's a process and I'm working my way into being more independent/recoveringfrom illness. My child is a teen and they mostly play online with friends. When his friends have come over then I don't allow his father in the house. I don't believe he is a risk IRL but I think it's just better for everyone himself included that he is no where near the house. This year I'm going to be getting him to spend more time away from us. I'm absolutely praying that his friends families don't find out.
Hycinth