New here, first post, heartbroken.
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Hi all,
I’m new here and it’s my first time posting, so please be gentle! Like the rest of you, I’ve joined the ranks of this unwanted club that no one asked to be a part of. I’m desperately trying to navigate this heartbreaking, torturous ordeal and I won’t lie, I’m really struggling.
It’s been just under 3 weeks since The Knock and I’m finding myself in utter hell on a daily basis - constant crying, sleepless nights, hysteria, anxiety, fear, numbness, loss of focus and so much pain, which I know each and every one of you can relate to… So after some deliberation I’ve decided to turn to this forum for a little bit of support and maybe some guidance.
My person is my boyfriend and he was arrested for possession of IIOC (I think that’s the right acronym - I’m still getting used to the acronyms here). We’re not married, we don’t live together and I thank my lucky stars neither of us have children. (I can’t begin to imagine how much harder this process must be for those of you with children and my heart goes out to you.)
I wasn’t there for The Knock, but after he had been released on bail later that evening he told me everything and in one fell swoop, my blissful, happy, honeymoon-phase relationship fell catastrophically to pieces.
Since then I’ve thought of nothing else but the situation and I feel constantly sick with anxiety, stress and heartbreak. I don't deal well with uncertainty and so much about this situation is uncertain right now. I’m tearing myself apart trying to decide whether to support him through this or whether to save myself and cut and run. Reading all of your stories about how long the legal proceedings and this horrible journey can take, I don’t know if I’m being the world’s biggest idiot by even considering staying with him when I have no legal responsibilities to…
Like many of your persons, my boyfriend’s crime stems from a porn addiction which was hidden from me for the entirety of our relationship. The downloading of the IIOC he claims was a mistake as he believed he was downloading a hidden folder of regular adult content and was horrified to discover it contained IIOC. Nevertheless, the police caught up with him and here we are.
I have completely lost trust in the relationship and I have no idea whether it can be rebuilt. I understand it can never be the same, but I am desperately trying to figure out if we can reach a “new normal” or if I even want to embark on this journey. Nevertheless, I do love him or I thought I did, but right now he no longer feels or sounds like the man I fell in love with, which is making this process even harder than it already is.
I’m absolutely heartbroken and would love some kind words right now.
Thank you for reading this far if you’ve stayed with this post. Sending thoughts and strength to you all x
I’m new here and it’s my first time posting, so please be gentle! Like the rest of you, I’ve joined the ranks of this unwanted club that no one asked to be a part of. I’m desperately trying to navigate this heartbreaking, torturous ordeal and I won’t lie, I’m really struggling.
It’s been just under 3 weeks since The Knock and I’m finding myself in utter hell on a daily basis - constant crying, sleepless nights, hysteria, anxiety, fear, numbness, loss of focus and so much pain, which I know each and every one of you can relate to… So after some deliberation I’ve decided to turn to this forum for a little bit of support and maybe some guidance.
My person is my boyfriend and he was arrested for possession of IIOC (I think that’s the right acronym - I’m still getting used to the acronyms here). We’re not married, we don’t live together and I thank my lucky stars neither of us have children. (I can’t begin to imagine how much harder this process must be for those of you with children and my heart goes out to you.)
I wasn’t there for The Knock, but after he had been released on bail later that evening he told me everything and in one fell swoop, my blissful, happy, honeymoon-phase relationship fell catastrophically to pieces.
Since then I’ve thought of nothing else but the situation and I feel constantly sick with anxiety, stress and heartbreak. I don't deal well with uncertainty and so much about this situation is uncertain right now. I’m tearing myself apart trying to decide whether to support him through this or whether to save myself and cut and run. Reading all of your stories about how long the legal proceedings and this horrible journey can take, I don’t know if I’m being the world’s biggest idiot by even considering staying with him when I have no legal responsibilities to…
Like many of your persons, my boyfriend’s crime stems from a porn addiction which was hidden from me for the entirety of our relationship. The downloading of the IIOC he claims was a mistake as he believed he was downloading a hidden folder of regular adult content and was horrified to discover it contained IIOC. Nevertheless, the police caught up with him and here we are.
I have completely lost trust in the relationship and I have no idea whether it can be rebuilt. I understand it can never be the same, but I am desperately trying to figure out if we can reach a “new normal” or if I even want to embark on this journey. Nevertheless, I do love him or I thought I did, but right now he no longer feels or sounds like the man I fell in love with, which is making this process even harder than it already is.
I’m absolutely heartbroken and would love some kind words right now.
Thank you for reading this far if you’ve stayed with this post. Sending thoughts and strength to you all x
Ahhhh River - can I be the first to give you a big virtual fluffy hug. It is so horrendous at first the emotions you go through are the pitts.
All I can say is don't try to take it all on board at once, let it unfold and then you can make decisions as time move forwards.
bless you x
All I can say is don't try to take it all on board at once, let it unfold and then you can make decisions as time move forwards.
bless you x
Hi River, so sorry you find yourself here.For me it is my son who is the offender so I think that gives me a different perspective.
Only you know how good your relationship is and whether it is worth fighting for.
You will get some good advice on here. Some partners have stayed and some have left the relationship(though often staying in their lives in a supportive capacity) no judgement either way.
You will have to make the right decision for you ,right now you are in shock so give yourself time. Use the helpline.
Lots of men find themseves in this position because of a porn addiction so that does ring true.
Regardless of whether you stay with your partner or not it is imperative he starts working on himself and seeking help to address his behaviour.
Others who are in a similar position to you will be able to share better advice than me. But wanted to send you love and a big hug because I really do know how horrible you are feeling now x
Only you know how good your relationship is and whether it is worth fighting for.
You will get some good advice on here. Some partners have stayed and some have left the relationship(though often staying in their lives in a supportive capacity) no judgement either way.
You will have to make the right decision for you ,right now you are in shock so give yourself time. Use the helpline.
Lots of men find themseves in this position because of a porn addiction so that does ring true.
Regardless of whether you stay with your partner or not it is imperative he starts working on himself and seeking help to address his behaviour.
Others who are in a similar position to you will be able to share better advice than me. But wanted to send you love and a big hug because I really do know how horrible you are feeling now x
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River x
Firstly well done for reaching out to us and sorry you have found yourself here xx
Just wanted to mirror what Smile said by not rushing in to any decisions as yet, your emotions are so normal to what you are feeling right now, so take time to collect your thoughts, you have to try to put yourself 1st in all of this as you will end up totally overwhelmed,
In my situation it is my son who offended so completely different however the emotions are the same
Sending hugs and please remember you are not alone xx
Firstly well done for reaching out to us and sorry you have found yourself here xx
Just wanted to mirror what Smile said by not rushing in to any decisions as yet, your emotions are so normal to what you are feeling right now, so take time to collect your thoughts, you have to try to put yourself 1st in all of this as you will end up totally overwhelmed,
In my situation it is my son who offended so completely different however the emotions are the same
Sending hugs and please remember you are not alone xx
Hi River
I'm sorry you are in this awful club but well done for reaching out. This forum has been the best thing for me after putting off joining for the last 2 years.
I can assure you that your feelings a completely normal and it only being 3 weeks, feelings are still very raw. The trauma caused by discovering what your OH has done is horrific. Someone on the forum (sorry i cant remember who it was) recently posted a link to an academic paper written about the family and partners of offenders. They compared the feelings to bereavement.
One thing I've learnt in this process is that you have to do what you have to do. If you want to stay with your BF then it's your decision, no one else's. No one else is in your shoes to make that judgement. I have chosen to stay with my person and have lost friends over it. The friends who have stayed to support me have been amazing and non judegmental, just supporting me as their friend.
Part of my reason to stay with my person is that we have kids and a mortgage. Also I can see he has completely changed, is a better partner and dad and has made huge efforts to get help for his childhood trauma.
The legal process is long and I think if I didn't have the kids I would have run a mile at the beginning based on my feelings at the time. I was so traumatised by it all. However, time is a healer and we have so much to lose if we separate.
Try not to make rash decisions when your emotions are running high. I would suggest ringing the helpline and speaking to someone. They can give you a better idea of the legal process and what's to come. Once you have all the facts and information you may find it easier to make a decision on what you want to do.
Sending hugs to you. Please keep posting x x
I'm sorry you are in this awful club but well done for reaching out. This forum has been the best thing for me after putting off joining for the last 2 years.
I can assure you that your feelings a completely normal and it only being 3 weeks, feelings are still very raw. The trauma caused by discovering what your OH has done is horrific. Someone on the forum (sorry i cant remember who it was) recently posted a link to an academic paper written about the family and partners of offenders. They compared the feelings to bereavement.
One thing I've learnt in this process is that you have to do what you have to do. If you want to stay with your BF then it's your decision, no one else's. No one else is in your shoes to make that judgement. I have chosen to stay with my person and have lost friends over it. The friends who have stayed to support me have been amazing and non judegmental, just supporting me as their friend.
Part of my reason to stay with my person is that we have kids and a mortgage. Also I can see he has completely changed, is a better partner and dad and has made huge efforts to get help for his childhood trauma.
The legal process is long and I think if I didn't have the kids I would have run a mile at the beginning based on my feelings at the time. I was so traumatised by it all. However, time is a healer and we have so much to lose if we separate.
Try not to make rash decisions when your emotions are running high. I would suggest ringing the helpline and speaking to someone. They can give you a better idea of the legal process and what's to come. Once you have all the facts and information you may find it easier to make a decision on what you want to do.
Sending hugs to you. Please keep posting x x
Smile through tears, Another worried mum, Parkerpoo1, Upset mum and Lois34,
Thank you all so much for your kind words and responses. I am so grateful for your understanding and empathy right now.
Smile through tears - ah, I love a big virtual fluffy hug. I would love one in reality right now, but a virtual one will suffice! Thank you for being the first the reach out, it's enormously appreciated right now.
Another worried mum - I’m so sorry to read it was your son who offended. I have no doubt it adds a whole other level of difficulty to an already difficult situation and I really sympathise. Thank you so much for your kind words of support, sending love and support back.
Parkerpoo1 - Thank you so much for reaching out and I’m sorry to hear of what you’re going through. Deciding to leave must have ben an incredibly difficult and brave decision. Thinking of you as well.
Upset mum - Thank you so much, your advice is really calming and a nice reminder that I don’t have to rush into any decisions. Similarly to Another worried mum, I’m so sorry to hear it was your son who offended. I’m sure your journey has been anything but easy. Sending hugs back to you as well.
Lois34 - Thanks so much for your kind words and I really admire your strength in your decision to stay with your partner. I don’t think any decision is really “right or wrong” but I admire anyone who has chosen to stand by their partners. Also I’m sorry to hear you have lost friends in the process. I will admit, it’s part of my reasons for considering leaving as I am scared of the judgement I would face from friends and family if I choose to stay. Thank you for your takes on the situation, it’s hugely appreciated. Hugs back to you.
x
Thank you all so much for your kind words and responses. I am so grateful for your understanding and empathy right now.
Smile through tears - ah, I love a big virtual fluffy hug. I would love one in reality right now, but a virtual one will suffice! Thank you for being the first the reach out, it's enormously appreciated right now.
Another worried mum - I’m so sorry to read it was your son who offended. I have no doubt it adds a whole other level of difficulty to an already difficult situation and I really sympathise. Thank you so much for your kind words of support, sending love and support back.
Parkerpoo1 - Thank you so much for reaching out and I’m sorry to hear of what you’re going through. Deciding to leave must have ben an incredibly difficult and brave decision. Thinking of you as well.
Upset mum - Thank you so much, your advice is really calming and a nice reminder that I don’t have to rush into any decisions. Similarly to Another worried mum, I’m so sorry to hear it was your son who offended. I’m sure your journey has been anything but easy. Sending hugs back to you as well.
Lois34 - Thanks so much for your kind words and I really admire your strength in your decision to stay with your partner. I don’t think any decision is really “right or wrong” but I admire anyone who has chosen to stand by their partners. Also I’m sorry to hear you have lost friends in the process. I will admit, it’s part of my reasons for considering leaving as I am scared of the judgement I would face from friends and family if I choose to stay. Thank you for your takes on the situation, it’s hugely appreciated. Hugs back to you.
x
Evening all,
As a follow up to my previous post, I thought I would share that I told a close friend of the situation over the weekend. She is the third friend whom I have shared this with and based on her reaction I don't think I shall disclose to anymore friends...
Although she was understanding, supportive and incredibly sympathetic towards my situation, I did feel she took more of a hard line then I was expecting her to. I was hoping she would show up with love, compassion, kindness and understanding. Instead she really questioned my current indecision as to whether to stay or leave. In her mind, the decision was easy: "run a mile and why would I even contemplate staying?". She told me it was all coming from a place of love and protection for me, but I can't say I found it particularly forgiving.
I'm aware it's probably because I'm not in a place yet where I want to hear it, but I can't say I found her comments especially helpful or kind and it has made me question telling her anything further about the situation, or anyone else for that matter!
Needless to say, it's made the kind and understanding words of support on this forum even more welcoming and I'm especially grateful for them right now, so huge thanks. Sending love and thoughts to you all x
As a follow up to my previous post, I thought I would share that I told a close friend of the situation over the weekend. She is the third friend whom I have shared this with and based on her reaction I don't think I shall disclose to anymore friends...
Although she was understanding, supportive and incredibly sympathetic towards my situation, I did feel she took more of a hard line then I was expecting her to. I was hoping she would show up with love, compassion, kindness and understanding. Instead she really questioned my current indecision as to whether to stay or leave. In her mind, the decision was easy: "run a mile and why would I even contemplate staying?". She told me it was all coming from a place of love and protection for me, but I can't say I found it particularly forgiving.
I'm aware it's probably because I'm not in a place yet where I want to hear it, but I can't say I found her comments especially helpful or kind and it has made me question telling her anything further about the situation, or anyone else for that matter!
Needless to say, it's made the kind and understanding words of support on this forum even more welcoming and I'm especially grateful for them right now, so huge thanks. Sending love and thoughts to you all x
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Morning River.
Upset gave me a 'fluffy hug' once and I kinda liked it!
yes telling folk can be a minefield. A friend of mine said she was there for me (night or day), until I confronted her with what my son had done. I left my job and after she never contacted me again, I think she was totally against my decision to stand by him.
That hurt - almost like she was pointing the finger at me, not trusting me. But I think it's important to respect people's opinions and that takes the bigger person........
Upset gave me a 'fluffy hug' once and I kinda liked it!
yes telling folk can be a minefield. A friend of mine said she was there for me (night or day), until I confronted her with what my son had done. I left my job and after she never contacted me again, I think she was totally against my decision to stand by him.
That hurt - almost like she was pointing the finger at me, not trusting me. But I think it's important to respect people's opinions and that takes the bigger person........
@river our natural instinct when faced with adversity is to seek support from friends and family, sadly this is a huge gamble in this situation as the stigma attached evokes incredibly strong responses. This forum is often the only place you will not find judgement. Think carefully about sharing further for yourself & for your BF. Living with this is hard for all concerned x
River I'm sorry you find yourself here but you are in the right place.
Only you know what is right for you, I have chosen to support my husband but I do envy you, as a girlfriend with no commitment to each other it would be much easier to walk away. If you choose to stay with him, it is a long and hard road, if you decide to have children with him at a later date, social services may get involved. Only you will know if the relationship is worth it. We will be here for you either way x
With regards to telling people, just remember that people can not be UNTOLD.
Only you know what is right for you, I have chosen to support my husband but I do envy you, as a girlfriend with no commitment to each other it would be much easier to walk away. If you choose to stay with him, it is a long and hard road, if you decide to have children with him at a later date, social services may get involved. Only you will know if the relationship is worth it. We will be here for you either way x
With regards to telling people, just remember that people can not be UNTOLD.
Ahh River :-( those kind of unhelpful comments were not what you wanted. As someone else has mention, once it's been told, it can't be untold and that's very good advice.
There were a couple of people who I told who I really felt would understand and they didn't. They actually were not prepared to try and understand my reasons behind my decision. Their mind was made up the minute the words left my mouth. I don't need judgemental and opinionated people in my life so I've happily cut them out.
The people I have had support from are people who know my person really well, know the full story and understand why I have stayed with my person. They know how hard I've found it, especially dealing with SS and pretty much being a single parent for 2 years whilst my person is still allowed to stay at home. They have been my rocks in all this. They are there for me and my kids and leave any opinions they may have away from me. Their focus is me as their friend. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life.
Their support towards me and my support towards my person does not condone his behaviour in any way at all. However, we have decided that people make mistakes and with help and rehabilitation they can become better people. I cannot just "write my person off", as much as I've wanted to because of the trauma and mainly fear towards it getting out and people's attitudes towards me as a mother.
The fear of the unknown is really horrible in this and lack of control over the situation. Rebuilding trust is also very hard. You can only do what is right for you, but know what you're potentially walking into before making any decisions.
What does your BF say in all this? Is he remorseful and accountable for his actions? Is he prepared to get help to unlock what drove him towards his behaviour? Those things can make a big difference in how you will feel about everything.
I'm so glad the forum is helping you. Please continue to reach out. We're all in this terrible club for the same reasons and we are probably the only people who truly know how you are feeling.
Hugs x
There were a couple of people who I told who I really felt would understand and they didn't. They actually were not prepared to try and understand my reasons behind my decision. Their mind was made up the minute the words left my mouth. I don't need judgemental and opinionated people in my life so I've happily cut them out.
The people I have had support from are people who know my person really well, know the full story and understand why I have stayed with my person. They know how hard I've found it, especially dealing with SS and pretty much being a single parent for 2 years whilst my person is still allowed to stay at home. They have been my rocks in all this. They are there for me and my kids and leave any opinions they may have away from me. Their focus is me as their friend. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life.
Their support towards me and my support towards my person does not condone his behaviour in any way at all. However, we have decided that people make mistakes and with help and rehabilitation they can become better people. I cannot just "write my person off", as much as I've wanted to because of the trauma and mainly fear towards it getting out and people's attitudes towards me as a mother.
The fear of the unknown is really horrible in this and lack of control over the situation. Rebuilding trust is also very hard. You can only do what is right for you, but know what you're potentially walking into before making any decisions.
What does your BF say in all this? Is he remorseful and accountable for his actions? Is he prepared to get help to unlock what drove him towards his behaviour? Those things can make a big difference in how you will feel about everything.
I'm so glad the forum is helping you. Please continue to reach out. We're all in this terrible club for the same reasons and we are probably the only people who truly know how you are feeling.
Hugs x
Smile through tears, Life feels over, Confused and worried, Lois,
Thank you all so much again for your continued kind words. You're absolutely right when you say people can never be untold and it has made me think twice about telling anymore people in the future. Though I have a large friendship circle and I am usually the first person to go running to all my friends for love and support in times of crisis. Typically my friends bundle me up and we support each other through everything, so it feels incredibly isolating to not have them by my side at the moment.
A few of my friends know "something is going on" with my partner but I haven't disclosed details. I hate the secrecy element to all this and keeping secrets from those I love is something that doesn't come naturally to me as. It's turning me into someone that I'm not sure I enjoy being.
My partner is definitely showing signs of remorse and has started therapy to address his history of pornography addiction, which has given me a little bit of hope that he is serious about making amends and trying to better himself. Though since The Knock our communication has broken down entirely. It feels like he is keeping me at an arm's length and purposefully not involving me in anything to do with the Solicitors or legal conversations, which is his defensive strategy and coping mechanism to avoid him (and me) getting hurt any further, but it just feels like he's shutting me out rather than trying to get through this together.
It's a very lonely place this journey isn't it, so I'm glad to have this forum as an outlet. What wonderful people you all are. X
Thank you all so much again for your continued kind words. You're absolutely right when you say people can never be untold and it has made me think twice about telling anymore people in the future. Though I have a large friendship circle and I am usually the first person to go running to all my friends for love and support in times of crisis. Typically my friends bundle me up and we support each other through everything, so it feels incredibly isolating to not have them by my side at the moment.
A few of my friends know "something is going on" with my partner but I haven't disclosed details. I hate the secrecy element to all this and keeping secrets from those I love is something that doesn't come naturally to me as. It's turning me into someone that I'm not sure I enjoy being.
My partner is definitely showing signs of remorse and has started therapy to address his history of pornography addiction, which has given me a little bit of hope that he is serious about making amends and trying to better himself. Though since The Knock our communication has broken down entirely. It feels like he is keeping me at an arm's length and purposefully not involving me in anything to do with the Solicitors or legal conversations, which is his defensive strategy and coping mechanism to avoid him (and me) getting hurt any further, but it just feels like he's shutting me out rather than trying to get through this together.
It's a very lonely place this journey isn't it, so I'm glad to have this forum as an outlet. What wonderful people you all are. X