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A message of support - being in the blast radius

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Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

I saved this post in my emails from way back when I got divorced. I saved it, and it feels even more appropriate for what is hapenning now. This a blog post from an American woman, Neghar Fonooni.



Re-reading this keeps giving me strength, courage and hope. I hope it helps you too xxx -edit - I'm not saying everyone should walk out the door, everyone has their own path to take x

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The past few years have been both extraordinarily painful and extremely empowering; my heart has broken just as much as it’s come back together—stronger each time, another layer of Queen Shit slathered across the organ, a glimmer of goddess with every wound healed.

I’ve learned so much about myself and how I want to show up in the world. I’m still figuring out what that looks like for me, but I know it’s a space bigger than that which I’ve been accustomed. There have been so many opportunities for expansion through this process, so many chances to learn how to be in my power, protect my energy, and practice gratitude when I felt anything but grateful.

Perhaps one of the most valuable lessons I learned is that all of the pain that was inflicted upon me wasn’t actually about me. I was in the blast radius, simply by default. I held space for those blasts. I processed them. I’ve (mostly) moved through them.

As a result, I’m more empathetic now than I’d ever imagined possible.

What I’ve ultimately learned is that we will love and trust at least a handful of people throughout our lives, stand naked before them—body and soul—and eventually, some of them are going to disappoint the shit out of us. I hope that this happens to you with limited frequency, but it will happen nonetheless.

They’ll hurt you because they’re hurt. They’ll break you because they’re broken.

They’ll lie to you because they’re not honest with themselves.

They’ll manipulate you because it’s the only way they know how to get what they think they need.

The human condition is deeply flawed, and, out of pure desperation, a malnourished soul will steal sustenance from yours because it knows of no other way to survive.

DARLING, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.


Most often, those who inflict pain on others are experiencing a mountain of their own—their perspective and actions are rooted in suffering that has nothing to do with you. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re immune to their blast, especially if we’re within the radius. Suffering is still suffering, whether or not it’s earned.

But it does mean we have to learn to simultaneously practice compassion AND extreme energetic boundaries. We can honor and validate our own pain while recognizing that it has nothing to do with us. We can be in that blast radius and choose to reject the debris that comes our way. Not our blast. Not our poison.

There’s an understandable fear and hesitation in practicing empathy towards those who hurt us: are we excusing their behavior? Are we saying it’s okay for hurt people to hurt people because they’re hurt people? Are we invalidating our own pain if we choose this perspective? I get that. It makes sense, on the surface.


But ultimately, this kind of empathy will only serve us, as it allows us the space to move past shame, blame, and attachment—and into healing and expansion. Acknowledging that it’s not about you isn’t letting them off the hook—it let’s you off the hook. It keeps you from attaching to a narrative that steals your ability to move forward and exist in the present.

By affirming that it’s not about us, we set ourselves free.

The truth is that everyone is living according to their own narrative, and some of those narratives cause harm. Unpack and unravel those narratives in order to grant yourself freedom. Protect your energy. Practice empathy. Lead with compassion.

AND IF THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT, HAVE THE COURAGE TO CUT PEOPLE OUT COMPLETELY.

Because sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is throw up some deuces and walk out the damn door

Posted Sun April 16, 2023 8:21pm
Edited Sun April 16, 2023 8:25pmReport post

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

Lee 2.0

That's so good to hear xx

Posted Sun April 16, 2023 9:17pmReport post

River

Member since
April 2023

68 posts

What an amazing, powerful piece of writing! This resonates so much. Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm definitely saving this to re-read again and again. X

Posted Sun April 16, 2023 11:25pm
Edited Sun April 16, 2023 11:25pmReport post

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

Thank you River.

So glad xx

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 12:07pmReport post

loulou74

Member since
September 2022

257 posts

Thank you for sharing, I so needed to read that. My soon to be ex husband has definitely disappointed the shit out of me. I love the blast radius, that makes so much sense.

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 1:48pmReport post

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

Loulou74

Yep! I hear you. I've been disappointed the shit out of twice now. Standing in the blast radius. I had a tearful day yesterday actudllly contemplating if I would take him back if no charge/custody..

And today he sounded surprised that I didn't see us together in the future!! Men are incredulous in their arrogance sometimes!

im having a strong day today and I think, hell no I'm worth more than that.

I will have to downsize to set myself and tow kids up on our own - currnetly looking at a 2 bed flat for the three of us.

has anyone else done this? I feel like we will cope with anything if the three of us are together and secure in my own place even if too small.

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 5:49pm
Edited Mon April 17, 2023 5:50pmReport post

MywholeWorld

Member since
February 2023

37 posts

thank you so much for this it has resonated with me so much, especially about the blast radius.

I am in the process of making the decision to walking away and finding a place for myself, and leaving behind many years of marraige but the lies and the hurt caused is so much I'm not sure how I can deal with it if I stay.

I worry about money and about being alone and that if I don't walk away I will loose my only child, and I could not bear that to happen, it would kill me.

I understand about the fear and the anguish and the upset and pain and about just wanting to be happy and knowing happiness will come with a price no matter what choice you make.

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 6:05pmReport post

Distressed and pregnant

Member since
November 2020

1201 posts

Thank you for sharing, it's definitely very powerful. I was fortunate not to be financially tied to my person so can't advise on that but citizens advice may be a good place to start for housing options in your area xxx

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 6:13pmReport post

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

I wish you could 'like' messages as per Facebook to show your support when someone replies!



I have a deposit and can probably get an affordable mortgage on my own for a two bed flat - my kids would have to go back to sharing and it would be smaller, the other option be massively skint and stay in 3 bed rental and give all my money to a landlord!!!

Posted Mon April 17, 2023 8:36pmReport post

loulou74

Member since
September 2022

257 posts

I left - or as he wasn't allowed to live at home told him he wasn't coming back. We're in a good financial position fortunately, and he's not looking to buy, so isn't rushing me to sell and is happy for me to stay as long as I need. Kids are teens and one is doing his GCSEs this year so I don't want to move just yet. If it wasn't for the kids, I would happily move. I am still worrying about paying all the bills though as he isn't currently working so not contributing anything.


Check what benefits you may be entitled to.

Posted Tue April 18, 2023 3:24pmReport post

Believe

Member since
February 2023

13 posts

This is so good. I've been really confused about our relationship but this last weekend I think I'm finally coming to a decision and this is so helpful to read.

Thank you x

Posted Tue April 18, 2023 3:44pmReport post

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

54 posts

Believe

im so glad it's helpful. It's helpful for me to keep re reading and stay true to my decision that we are over.

now he's been caught hes working on his mental health and trauma. He wouldn't before. It's all too late for me.

he is telling me bits.. apparently now he's been talking to a mum, he was chargeD with facilitating a sex offence, he said "she requested it" but nothing was arranged.

I want to vomit. I don't believe him. It could possibly be true but he's blamed women in these scenarios before. He blamed another girlfriend for getting him into extreme porn and downloading images..

time will tell I suppose once the police have done their work. Either way, it's not a world I want anything to do with anymore, and I have to keep remembering that I DO have a choice and a voice, and I can choose to get up and leave him. Xxx

Posted Tue April 18, 2023 5:07pmReport post

Quick exit