Denial or not
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Many of you would have read my previous posts on here. I am finding navigating this mindfield very tricky. I have booked myself a first therapy appointment next week.
My person said something that I 'm find hard to understand. I asked him why he thought that having sexual conversations with random women was ok, he says he doesn't know why and he didn't think it was cheating as he never met any of them in person.
I asked why when the decoy said they were not yet 13 years did he continue to have the conversation he had. Again his answer he doesn't now. I have suggested seeking help from the helpline to find out why to stop him going down this road again but he is resistent even though I think he is aware of how serious this all is.
My question is to the ladies who have a person who has a similar offence, did they know why they did it? Did they seek help and support at the beginning or later. Are they remorseful for what they did? And are they are not still engaging in this behaviour? It would be good to find out from others in the same situation if denial is coming into play here or not.
My person said something that I 'm find hard to understand. I asked him why he thought that having sexual conversations with random women was ok, he says he doesn't know why and he didn't think it was cheating as he never met any of them in person.
I asked why when the decoy said they were not yet 13 years did he continue to have the conversation he had. Again his answer he doesn't now. I have suggested seeking help from the helpline to find out why to stop him going down this road again but he is resistent even though I think he is aware of how serious this all is.
My question is to the ladies who have a person who has a similar offence, did they know why they did it? Did they seek help and support at the beginning or later. Are they remorseful for what they did? And are they are not still engaging in this behaviour? It would be good to find out from others in the same situation if denial is coming into play here or not.
My person was also communication (with decoys). He was chatting with other women online. In his mind, he isn't guilty and hasn't sought help beyond the work he is doing with probation and the online modules on Stopitnow. It's almost like by seeking help he would be admitting what he did was wrong. I did explain there were a lot of reasons why people committed these offences.
He was on chatiw and quickly realised that most people were fake and so was calling people out for being fake. And in his chats with the decoys he does call them out for not being a minor and pointing out why he thinks that. But as we know, what he did was still an offence. He also called the 2 decoys and he has no idea why he did it. He wasn't in a great place and has undiagnosed autism. As far as I'm aware he is no longer on the chat sites (we're no longer together), he's terrified of going to prison if he puts a step wrong (he has a suspended sentence) and probation assessed him as being very low risk of re-offending as he was so horrified by the arrest and subsequent fallout. He has completely messed up his life and yet has no idea why he thought using a chat website was a good idea. Lee makes a good point about there being a big difference between reasons and excuses. It feels like he is making excuses. I don't think he really sees what he was doing as wrong (most of it wasn't illegal) but he is horrified about being caught and thinks it is everyone else's fault he has a conviction (police and prosecution mainly). And still thinks if it went to trial that he may have been found innocent. I sometimes wonder how I am still speaking to him, but he is a good man who did something really stupid, and I think autism contributes to how he sees it.
He was on chatiw and quickly realised that most people were fake and so was calling people out for being fake. And in his chats with the decoys he does call them out for not being a minor and pointing out why he thinks that. But as we know, what he did was still an offence. He also called the 2 decoys and he has no idea why he did it. He wasn't in a great place and has undiagnosed autism. As far as I'm aware he is no longer on the chat sites (we're no longer together), he's terrified of going to prison if he puts a step wrong (he has a suspended sentence) and probation assessed him as being very low risk of re-offending as he was so horrified by the arrest and subsequent fallout. He has completely messed up his life and yet has no idea why he thought using a chat website was a good idea. Lee makes a good point about there being a big difference between reasons and excuses. It feels like he is making excuses. I don't think he really sees what he was doing as wrong (most of it wasn't illegal) but he is horrified about being caught and thinks it is everyone else's fault he has a conviction (police and prosecution mainly). And still thinks if it went to trial that he may have been found innocent. I sometimes wonder how I am still speaking to him, but he is a good man who did something really stupid, and I think autism contributes to how he sees it.
thank you lou lou and lee
lou lou a lot of what you say resonates with me. I'm not sure if my person is autistic and he says he realises that he has caused all this trauma in our lives. he wants so desperately for me to forgive him but I am so hurt by what he has done and I don't know how to move forward. I feel so much guilt about abandoning him when he needs me most. Ours has been a very difficult relationship he is very emotionless and has no empathy and he can be extremely selfish and has horrible anger outburst when he doesnt get his way. I still love him how can I not? we have so much history but I am horrified at what he has done and I am really struggling with my emotions and knowing what to do and which way to turn and my son has said if I stay he will have nothing more to do with me.
lou lou a lot of what you say resonates with me. I'm not sure if my person is autistic and he says he realises that he has caused all this trauma in our lives. he wants so desperately for me to forgive him but I am so hurt by what he has done and I don't know how to move forward. I feel so much guilt about abandoning him when he needs me most. Ours has been a very difficult relationship he is very emotionless and has no empathy and he can be extremely selfish and has horrible anger outburst when he doesnt get his way. I still love him how can I not? we have so much history but I am horrified at what he has done and I am really struggling with my emotions and knowing what to do and which way to turn and my son has said if I stay he will have nothing more to do with me.
Mine is also a communication offence, difference is that I knew he was on dating sites, but he liked calling out catfishes and I didn't actually see a problem with that, it didn't mean anything and if anything it was kinda funny (when it was men and women of age) unfortunately mine thought it was a good idea to try and call out a decoy - well he and we are paying the price for that.
I didn't know he was chatting to the last one as he wasn't at the time living at home but normally he told me of each one and even showed me the conversations.
I had a massive go at him for the last one and being so stupid, I did ask why he continued the conversation but he said he wasn't sure. He says he knew it wasn't really a child but as i explained to him and he agreed there was no way he could have been 100% sure it wasn't a child (thankfully it wasn't) he regrets his decision.
The decoy had many profiles all the same picture just different names and locations (I wish I had screanshotted them as they have since been deleted) I know this because I had his username and profile and wanted to see for myself. It was also on an over 18 site. He wasn't actively looking for a child.
I didn't know he was chatting to the last one as he wasn't at the time living at home but normally he told me of each one and even showed me the conversations.
I had a massive go at him for the last one and being so stupid, I did ask why he continued the conversation but he said he wasn't sure. He says he knew it wasn't really a child but as i explained to him and he agreed there was no way he could have been 100% sure it wasn't a child (thankfully it wasn't) he regrets his decision.
The decoy had many profiles all the same picture just different names and locations (I wish I had screanshotted them as they have since been deleted) I know this because I had his username and profile and wanted to see for myself. It was also on an over 18 site. He wasn't actively looking for a child.
My ex says he was sent some pics 2 or 3 he said but apparently deleted after the while ( unsure if he believes his innocent in regards he didn't know) but police said they were several so obviously I have to believe them over him because as he said he only did it because I didn't give him what he wants ( yes as much as words hurt it's fact that it was a minor nor a woman of appropriate age else wouldn't be on here and my kids lives ruined)
But I just need to ask for help in where I stand regards of getting him help obviously via sw I'll discuss it as I think we have roles as parents to get through this for we both need to see what this will be outcome obviously his saying his dyslexia is restriction of he can look online so what helpful advice would you kind ladies have to ask my sw for she says she wants kids have a relationship too weather that's true I have to believe her.... please I'm not looking to help him too much but unsure if he will do it if they can tell him too....
But I just need to ask for help in where I stand regards of getting him help obviously via sw I'll discuss it as I think we have roles as parents to get through this for we both need to see what this will be outcome obviously his saying his dyslexia is restriction of he can look online so what helpful advice would you kind ladies have to ask my sw for she says she wants kids have a relationship too weather that's true I have to believe her.... please I'm not looking to help him too much but unsure if he will do it if they can tell him too....
@lee
its a bit more complicated than that. I did know he was on dating sites, it wasn't about meeting people or anything like that, it was just about talking, yes the conversation was sexual most of the time, but I never saw anything wrong with that, I saw it no different to watching porn just a more interactive thing, we have all watched porn at some point or read a raunchy book. (I know the dangers of that now)
being on sites unbeknownst to your partner is cheating. I was aware that he was "chatting" to other people, he told me about the conversations and if I felt like it was going to far I told him to put an end to it. There were rules. It worked for us. It was mostly catfishes that he went for. Normally if he realised it wasn't a catfish he ended the conversation. Some I told him to end and he did
I am aware that I sound odd but every relationship has there way of being. And it worked for us. I apologise if I offend anyone with my way of viewing relationships. Essentially I would rather my parner flirting and knowing about it than actually cheating and being betrayed.
no I didn't know about the last one (as he wasn't living with me at the time) however he would have told me about it, he was stung instead. I am angry at him, I'm disgusted he continued the communication. That part I don't understand, I don't understand why he didn't just block them when they said their age. I am not against people being arrested for communicating with a child it is wrong on many many levels, I just don't think it should be publicised all over the place. People should have a right to privacy especially the families.
in a lot of ways I blame myself because maybe if I hadn't allowed his chatting we wouldn't be where we are today.
I might add that I have seen the evidence from the solicitor and it is heavily redacted by the vigilantes, which is why they got the charge to a much lower charge than it could have been. They have also since deleted the profiles so we can't get the original un redacted conversations. I originally was under the assumption that all vigilanties are honest. Turns out they are not, they don't care but for their infamy and likes.
its a bit more complicated than that. I did know he was on dating sites, it wasn't about meeting people or anything like that, it was just about talking, yes the conversation was sexual most of the time, but I never saw anything wrong with that, I saw it no different to watching porn just a more interactive thing, we have all watched porn at some point or read a raunchy book. (I know the dangers of that now)
being on sites unbeknownst to your partner is cheating. I was aware that he was "chatting" to other people, he told me about the conversations and if I felt like it was going to far I told him to put an end to it. There were rules. It worked for us. It was mostly catfishes that he went for. Normally if he realised it wasn't a catfish he ended the conversation. Some I told him to end and he did
I am aware that I sound odd but every relationship has there way of being. And it worked for us. I apologise if I offend anyone with my way of viewing relationships. Essentially I would rather my parner flirting and knowing about it than actually cheating and being betrayed.
no I didn't know about the last one (as he wasn't living with me at the time) however he would have told me about it, he was stung instead. I am angry at him, I'm disgusted he continued the communication. That part I don't understand, I don't understand why he didn't just block them when they said their age. I am not against people being arrested for communicating with a child it is wrong on many many levels, I just don't think it should be publicised all over the place. People should have a right to privacy especially the families.
in a lot of ways I blame myself because maybe if I hadn't allowed his chatting we wouldn't be where we are today.
I might add that I have seen the evidence from the solicitor and it is heavily redacted by the vigilantes, which is why they got the charge to a much lower charge than it could have been. They have also since deleted the profiles so we can't get the original un redacted conversations. I originally was under the assumption that all vigilanties are honest. Turns out they are not, they don't care but for their infamy and likes.
@Lee it's already gone past that stage, he's due to be sentenced at the end of the week. I think they didn't use the actual chat logs, what I saw there was loads missing or conversations picked up or dropped in odd places. It was one decoy (thankfully) I did understand immediately that it could have been a real child I watched the sting I didn't know they used decoys and that it wasn't a real child till the very end (I had never seen stuff like that previously online) however he has plead guilty because there were 2 images dating back to 2017 that neither of us had any idea were there (animal). He had a "friend" who used to send through the most random stuff (yes we did give details to the police about this "friend") most of it he never opened or looked at, but the courts have pinned it all together so there is no way of getting out of the possession of it. There is no searching for it etc and they classified it as possession not making which I am still a bit confused over, I thought it was automatic making if it's downloaded on to a phone.
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MywholeWorld It is a really hard decision, whether to stay or go. We have teens so my husband wasn't allowed home and that made it easier to say later that he wasn't coming home. He was a high earner so earnt enough to support himself and is now living on savings, so although I do feel some guilt I know he's okay. I still care about him and we talk, but I also need to step back and let him get on with it. It was his crime, he messed up and there is only so much I can do for him. I don't think either way is easy. We're a few months further on than you and post-sentencing and I think that helps with decision-making. Knowing what we were dealing with and his SHPO restrictions helped me make up my mind. If the kids weren't still at home, I'm not sure if I'd have left. We have so much shared history and he is my family.
My person thought none of it was real online and just chatting even sexual /'catching catfish' didn't see as cheating and well I wasn't meant to find out was I so there's no harm to me?! I however do see this as cheating. My person just states he was bored when at work being given extended breaks and not really fitting in with the other team members who were a lot younger than him. He had stopped using the App 3 months before the knock which tied in with him getting a new job.
I have also asked the questions about the illegal conversation but I don't think he remembers or at least he continues to Denie he has this conversation. My theory, he was talking to whoever whenever and prob couldn't keep up, and would just be talking to whoever replied. Obviously it's not right but it's the only thing I can fathom unless im willing to acknowledge he had intentionally wanted to have a conversation with a 13 yr old. As nothing else at all found legal or not!
My person had not accessed any support in relation to this not even counselling ie for 'being accused of an offence you didn't commit' I'd think this whole this would be equally stressful guilty or not??
If I'm honest I don't know if I will ever know the full truth, what has he now got to loose by maintaining his 'Innocence' I don't think my person acknowledges what he was doing with a crime so in his eyes that's his stance! Im really struggling to moving forward and make a desicion on what's next after this has consumed us for short of 4 years.
I have also asked the questions about the illegal conversation but I don't think he remembers or at least he continues to Denie he has this conversation. My theory, he was talking to whoever whenever and prob couldn't keep up, and would just be talking to whoever replied. Obviously it's not right but it's the only thing I can fathom unless im willing to acknowledge he had intentionally wanted to have a conversation with a 13 yr old. As nothing else at all found legal or not!
My person had not accessed any support in relation to this not even counselling ie for 'being accused of an offence you didn't commit' I'd think this whole this would be equally stressful guilty or not??
If I'm honest I don't know if I will ever know the full truth, what has he now got to loose by maintaining his 'Innocence' I don't think my person acknowledges what he was doing with a crime so in his eyes that's his stance! Im really struggling to moving forward and make a desicion on what's next after this has consumed us for short of 4 years.