Repeat reaction
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Hi all. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this - the knock came for us five years ago followed by an investigation, custodial sentence, probation, shpo, SOMU involvement, being on the register and social services.
After the initial shock (which doesn't begin to cover the feelings but you know what I mean), things calmed down and settled. There's been peaks and troughs admitedly but with therapy, anti depressants and support from family we've worked through it all really successfully.
The thing is I'm having a fresh / repeat reaction to his offending. Perhaps it's the strain of living under the shpo (amongst other things) or maybe because I've just grown and changed as a person. It's very unsettling - we have a family now and I'd be loathed to split us up not to mention guilty.
If anyone has experienced this, please let me know how you tackled it and how things panned out - positive and negative.
With metta.
After the initial shock (which doesn't begin to cover the feelings but you know what I mean), things calmed down and settled. There's been peaks and troughs admitedly but with therapy, anti depressants and support from family we've worked through it all really successfully.
The thing is I'm having a fresh / repeat reaction to his offending. Perhaps it's the strain of living under the shpo (amongst other things) or maybe because I've just grown and changed as a person. It's very unsettling - we have a family now and I'd be loathed to split us up not to mention guilty.
If anyone has experienced this, please let me know how you tackled it and how things panned out - positive and negative.
With metta.
This journey has been compared to grief. Sadly we learn that grief continues to affect us even years down the line. The waves get less powerful & less frequent but they still occur. Perhaps your resurfacing feelings are a natural part of the healing process. It sounds like you've worked through so much together with success, keep sight of that x
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Hi G3mini, just read your post. Yup, I too am having a wobble. I've just posted about it too!
My husband and I split up, we had no choice initially because of the impact of vigilantes and social media, but I couldn't resume the marriage as I felt I couldn't trust him anymore.
I too had therapy and read masses of material so could understand my feelings and work through them. But they have resurfaced too! Not regret for my actions fortunately but going through the same old questions that can't be truthfully answered by anyone other than him. Self doubt and wondering what the future holds.
Have no answers, but I suspect that for me it's because I'm going through more challenges and I'm doing it alone, which is not where I thought we'd be. Xxx
My husband and I split up, we had no choice initially because of the impact of vigilantes and social media, but I couldn't resume the marriage as I felt I couldn't trust him anymore.
I too had therapy and read masses of material so could understand my feelings and work through them. But they have resurfaced too! Not regret for my actions fortunately but going through the same old questions that can't be truthfully answered by anyone other than him. Self doubt and wondering what the future holds.
Have no answers, but I suspect that for me it's because I'm going through more challenges and I'm doing it alone, which is not where I thought we'd be. Xxx
Life feels over - Thanks for the analogy of grieving - that makes a lot of sense to me. Our relationship has been permanently altered and perhaps I'm mourning what we used to have - freedom, normality, safety. This isn't helpful but only natural I feel. I need to give a lot of thought as to what will help me through this.
Tabs - We were lucky that even though his story made local headlines (his face on the front page and the fact he had a distinct surname) and there was community anger - noone was stupid enough to act on it. I'm sorry you had to go through that - society doesn't make any distinct between offenders and their families despite the fact that we didn't commit the crime. 'not where I thought we'd be' really resonates with me. Like most people I made the reasonable assumption that our marriage would be relatively standard with issues like the division of housework and how many children we want - nothing close to what has transpired. I think on some level I feel like I'm doing it alone, like I'm a single parent even though I'm technically not. It's hard to discuss with hubby - he processed his offending then mentally stored it away in the past, he has a huge reluctance to bring it to the present even though it affects us in many ways. And life goes on.
Tabs - We were lucky that even though his story made local headlines (his face on the front page and the fact he had a distinct surname) and there was community anger - noone was stupid enough to act on it. I'm sorry you had to go through that - society doesn't make any distinct between offenders and their families despite the fact that we didn't commit the crime. 'not where I thought we'd be' really resonates with me. Like most people I made the reasonable assumption that our marriage would be relatively standard with issues like the division of housework and how many children we want - nothing close to what has transpired. I think on some level I feel like I'm doing it alone, like I'm a single parent even though I'm technically not. It's hard to discuss with hubby - he processed his offending then mentally stored it away in the past, he has a huge reluctance to bring it to the present even though it affects us in many ways. And life goes on.
G3mini
It's the strain of living under restrictions that would really chafe with me. I really value my freedom to do as I please, live where I please, travel where I please and associate with whoever I want without having to tell or get permission from anyone. I think that would be a big factor for me in any decision about whether I could stay with my partner, and I think every time we hit a hump in the from of some kind of post conviction restriction it would bring everything back again, no matter how much I tried to put it behind me. I do take some solace in people like yourself and Tabs that have managed to do so, maybe there is hope
It's the strain of living under restrictions that would really chafe with me. I really value my freedom to do as I please, live where I please, travel where I please and associate with whoever I want without having to tell or get permission from anyone. I think that would be a big factor for me in any decision about whether I could stay with my partner, and I think every time we hit a hump in the from of some kind of post conviction restriction it would bring everything back again, no matter how much I tried to put it behind me. I do take some solace in people like yourself and Tabs that have managed to do so, maybe there is hope
Bitterbean - Yes, I think it is very much about every time something crops up - it brings the whole situation back to the forefront of our lives. My husband has a particularly strict shpo though for an online offence - even the police were suprised. The CPS were no doubt thrilled.
It'll be different for you with adult children but may cause issues if you have children in your extended family or social circle.
As an example, we were invited to take the kids swimming with my friend, her hubby and their daughters. Pools are out of bounds for my Mr, just based on common sense so I came up with this narrative that he has a fear of water. My friend is super good about it and says I can bring my toddlers and her/her husband will help out. I felt angry though - it's like having to think up a bloody alias for this 'new' man I'm married to. It's just really hard to think of every single scenario that may or may not occur beforehand.
It'll be different for you with adult children but may cause issues if you have children in your extended family or social circle.
As an example, we were invited to take the kids swimming with my friend, her hubby and their daughters. Pools are out of bounds for my Mr, just based on common sense so I came up with this narrative that he has a fear of water. My friend is super good about it and says I can bring my toddlers and her/her husband will help out. I felt angry though - it's like having to think up a bloody alias for this 'new' man I'm married to. It's just really hard to think of every single scenario that may or may not occur beforehand.
G3mini
Yeah I would hate the constant making excuses and occasional lying to cover up too. Wile I am a fairly private person I do like to be open and honest with other people and coming up with plausible reasons why we couldn't do things as a couple, especially attending family or other events where small children would be there, would do my head in.
Yeah I would hate the constant making excuses and occasional lying to cover up too. Wile I am a fairly private person I do like to be open and honest with other people and coming up with plausible reasons why we couldn't do things as a couple, especially attending family or other events where small children would be there, would do my head in.
It's doing my head in. My hubby just doesn't get it. He seemingly can't wrap his head around how I feel and why I feel like that. He's an intelligent person I swear so G-d only knows why he thinks I'm the dramatic one who only sees negative things!
It's really 50/50 as to whether I carry this on. The stress (and subsequent depression) is making it so I'm not functioning. That's not fair on our children, my wider family (who are constantly worrying) or my clients at work who aren't getting the standard they deserve.
It's really 50/50 as to whether I carry this on. The stress (and subsequent depression) is making it so I'm not functioning. That's not fair on our children, my wider family (who are constantly worrying) or my clients at work who aren't getting the standard they deserve.