How many people are still together?
Notifications OFF
Hi all, first time poster here. I am just wondering how many people here are still with their partner after any court involvement?
Hi,
We separated when he was arrested. We are living separately but we are working on our relationship. We're also two years post sentencing and I also have the same reasons as Lee for trying to rebuild. My person is still striving every day to do and be better xxx
We separated when he was arrested. We are living separately but we are working on our relationship. We're also two years post sentencing and I also have the same reasons as Lee for trying to rebuild. My person is still striving every day to do and be better xxx
Post deleted
I have chosen to support my husband. We are only 2 months post sentence, but he is still not home due to SS involvement.
I have made it clear to everyone, including him, that I will not make a decision until after a risk assessment has been done and our case closed by SS.
I do love my husband, he is doing everything he can to change his ways and manage his addiction.
I hope he will be home and I want my family to survive.
I have made it clear to everyone, including him, that I will not make a decision until after a risk assessment has been done and our case closed by SS.
I do love my husband, he is doing everything he can to change his ways and manage his addiction.
I hope he will be home and I want my family to survive.
I'm sorry you find yourself amongst us and asking this question. I've chosen to stay with my husband & work together to rebuild our life once he is home.
Hiya hun.
I have stayed with my hubby. Been 10 months since sentencing and slowly but surely building the trust again.
xx
I have stayed with my hubby. Been 10 months since sentencing and slowly but surely building the trust again.
xx
I'm not with my husband. We had had a difficult few years before his arrest and although I still care for him, I don't love him the same way anymore.
I'm not with my husband anymore. We had what I thought was a strong marriage for well over 30 years. But he betrayed me, kept secrets, lied. For me, that is too much to live with. Once the trust had gone, I don't believe we could have rebuilt it. He destroyed it. Nor did I want to live under his strict conditions. It is life changing.
There is no right or wrong answer to this. Both decisions are hard. You have to look deep into yourself and do what's right for you, and in line with your morals and belief system.
I am at peace with my decision.
x
There is no right or wrong answer to this. Both decisions are hard. You have to look deep into yourself and do what's right for you, and in line with your morals and belief system.
I am at peace with my decision.
x
We are three years post sentencing and have no children together as I'm CF by choice.
If he ever offends again I will not hesitate to leave. For me the fact he has done the remediation available to him and keeps being honest and works on never getting himself into the situation of wanting or acting out again is what is keeping me with him.
It is tough throughout the investigation and post sentencing. I am going through counseling and I question myself alot as to wjlhy I put myself through all of this. I do wish I could just walk away but I have a stronger sense of staying as he is remorseful and taking action to not offend again.
If he ever offends again I will not hesitate to leave. For me the fact he has done the remediation available to him and keeps being honest and works on never getting himself into the situation of wanting or acting out again is what is keeping me with him.
It is tough throughout the investigation and post sentencing. I am going through counseling and I question myself alot as to wjlhy I put myself through all of this. I do wish I could just walk away but I have a stronger sense of staying as he is remorseful and taking action to not offend again.
Hi,
I'm still with my oh, although he isn't living with us at min, I've had to many things going on and was ready to have another to get him home, but I am hoping too.
We are nearly 3 years from court come November xx
I'm still with my oh, although he isn't living with us at min, I've had to many things going on and was ready to have another to get him home, but I am hoping too.
We are nearly 3 years from court come November xx
Leaver here. Arrested at 5:30 am
dumped at 5:31 am. I didn't know the offence other than children, and internet
fist batch of his clothes in his car and left at police station by 11 am. We have children and I have never regretted my decision. I found out the unimaginable at sentencing. For me it is disgusting taht the police didn't share things which I had the right to know, for many reasons
Massive hugs
dumped at 5:31 am. I didn't know the offence other than children, and internet
fist batch of his clothes in his car and left at police station by 11 am. We have children and I have never regretted my decision. I found out the unimaginable at sentencing. For me it is disgusting taht the police didn't share things which I had the right to know, for many reasons
Massive hugs
I still love my husband even though our relationship has been difficult for many years, it is a long marriage. We are only months down the line from the knock. My plan is to live separately and after his case has gone through the process and I think he has worked on himself and has made steps to work on his addiction and has remorse and he is willing to work on our marriage, I will make a decision. I don't plan to divorce him until I am very sure of my feelings.
I am still with my husband. He's under investigation at the moment (not charged yet).
I love my husband and I know he did a massive mistake, but is a good person.
We also have small children and he's a good father to them.
I love my husband and I know he did a massive mistake, but is a good person.
We also have small children and he's a good father to them.
Not married and not his children so much easier for me to walk away..
I considered that he may not be guilty but have just received children's services report (section 47 case now closed as I ended the relationship) but they have included the police intelligence comments...
"Police referral - intelligence - Has recently expressed an sexual interest in children as young as two and has admitted he's previously abused children. Two previous arrests for indecent images but no prosecution".
where I was hoping to believe him, this has now made it an easy decision to leave.
sending strength to you x
I considered that he may not be guilty but have just received children's services report (section 47 case now closed as I ended the relationship) but they have included the police intelligence comments...
"Police referral - intelligence - Has recently expressed an sexual interest in children as young as two and has admitted he's previously abused children. Two previous arrests for indecent images but no prosecution".
where I was hoping to believe him, this has now made it an easy decision to leave.
sending strength to you x
I asked him to leave the day after the knock. That was 6 months ago.
He used to visit once a week but this increased as time passed. He now comes over 2-3 times a week. I would say we are together and I would like for him to move back in, but only once he can be unsupervised with the kids.
however, we haven't had sex since and I don't know when I will trust him enough to do that again.
also, if he offends again, he is GONE (and he knows this).
I don't think I'll ever trust a man again. So if things don't eventually work out, I will be single for good.
He used to visit once a week but this increased as time passed. He now comes over 2-3 times a week. I would say we are together and I would like for him to move back in, but only once he can be unsupervised with the kids.
however, we haven't had sex since and I don't know when I will trust him enough to do that again.
also, if he offends again, he is GONE (and he knows this).
I don't think I'll ever trust a man again. So if things don't eventually work out, I will be single for good.
I'm still with my OH it's not been easy
There have been many difficult conversations, and many times I have wanted out. We have worked together. I wouldn't have stayed if he hadn't been remorseful, or hadn't worked on himself and he had to get help himself and do alot of work to get to where we are now. Some questions will never be answered, but were doing ok.
It will never be what it was, it is a new normal and I still grief for the old life we had, its changing slowly and were now laughing, going out with friends who know, I don't know what the future holds, but for now were still together.
Remember the choice is yours and yours alone if you stay or leave.
Anne x
There have been many difficult conversations, and many times I have wanted out. We have worked together. I wouldn't have stayed if he hadn't been remorseful, or hadn't worked on himself and he had to get help himself and do alot of work to get to where we are now. Some questions will never be answered, but were doing ok.
It will never be what it was, it is a new normal and I still grief for the old life we had, its changing slowly and were now laughing, going out with friends who know, I don't know what the future holds, but for now were still together.
Remember the choice is yours and yours alone if you stay or leave.
Anne x
I'm still with my partner but we are very early on in the process. We are only three weeks post Knock and I am still undecided whether to stay or leave. It's a rollercoaster of emotions isn't it. One day I'm dead-set on walking away, but the next I'm talking myself into staying and supporting him.
I keep reminding myself that a decision doesn't need to be made straight away.
Sending hugs to you x
I keep reminding myself that a decision doesn't need to be made straight away.
Sending hugs to you x
Post deleted
Hi
I am a leaver for the same reason as Tabs, there were trust issues with my ex before this happened. I couldn't trust him as he is a compulsive liar, he lied to the police when they asked him if they would find any Cat A photos and they did. He told us that he had only been doing this for 2 years, turns out it was 12 (possibly even longer) found out everything at the courts. The judge said that as he had lied to the police it was as if there was something else he didn't want them to find. If he can't tell the truth now he won't if the future, as Tabs said once the trust has gone you can never regain it. Iwas also with my ex for 32 years but I had given him enough chances and this was the last straw.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, as everyone on here has said the choice to stay or go is yours.
bereft x
I am a leaver for the same reason as Tabs, there were trust issues with my ex before this happened. I couldn't trust him as he is a compulsive liar, he lied to the police when they asked him if they would find any Cat A photos and they did. He told us that he had only been doing this for 2 years, turns out it was 12 (possibly even longer) found out everything at the courts. The judge said that as he had lied to the police it was as if there was something else he didn't want them to find. If he can't tell the truth now he won't if the future, as Tabs said once the trust has gone you can never regain it. Iwas also with my ex for 32 years but I had given him enough chances and this was the last straw.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, as everyone on here has said the choice to stay or go is yours.
bereft x
Post deleted by user
Hi,
5 years post knock.
Not guilty but pressured/bullied into pleading guilty by a barrister who we met for the first time the day of the trial.
9 months post sentencing (suspended)
Still together, he didn't do it.
5 years post knock.
Not guilty but pressured/bullied into pleading guilty by a barrister who we met for the first time the day of the trial.
9 months post sentencing (suspended)
Still together, he didn't do it.
It's so interesting to read everyone's story and reasonings. The biggest factor appears to be individual context and whether it was something that could be worked through. Every single case is different to the next as are the circumstances, the alleged offender and the partner/mother/father etc.
As someone whose partner was lucky enough to be acquitted (I say lucky because there seems to be little room for innocence once there is an arrest) I still question if the initial silly and reckless promiscuous behaviour in chatrooms could one day come back again and not in the sense of it involving minors but infidelity. I question if one day there could be some horrible mix-up where an incorrect report results in an arrest. There's so many anxieties and fears you never lived with before or even knew could be a possibility. All you can do is listen to your partner and see how your gut reacts, go through evidence and weigh up whether your relationship is worth the risk. One thing I will say, after this, nothing (other than death) will ever break me again! Sending love to everyone. If you can't work it out today, there is always tomorrow xx
As someone whose partner was lucky enough to be acquitted (I say lucky because there seems to be little room for innocence once there is an arrest) I still question if the initial silly and reckless promiscuous behaviour in chatrooms could one day come back again and not in the sense of it involving minors but infidelity. I question if one day there could be some horrible mix-up where an incorrect report results in an arrest. There's so many anxieties and fears you never lived with before or even knew could be a possibility. All you can do is listen to your partner and see how your gut reacts, go through evidence and weigh up whether your relationship is worth the risk. One thing I will say, after this, nothing (other than death) will ever break me again! Sending love to everyone. If you can't work it out today, there is always tomorrow xx
Baffled it is really interesting. And far more stay than I thought. From reading posts on the forum, staying and making it work does seem to rely on the offender taking responsibility for what happened and doing the work to understand why. Something my soon to be ex husband hasn't done. He is definitely guilty of the offence even if it wasn't his intention. But he still seems to be burying his head in the sand. He is autistic which may be a factor, but is also why our relationship wasn't in a great place before his arrest. I do soemtimes feel like I'm abandoning him, but also feel I can support him better as a friend than partner.
Hi
I too am a leaver.
Got the Knock in November 2019. Police classed us both as being under investigation. He said he had not done anything wrong. I stayed as there was no evidence to prove otherwise. The Police had to inform my employers due to my Job- Luckily, they were supportive and allowed me to continue working.
Like others I am a CSA survivor, and he knew that. For the next 18 months I spent time thinking I was guilty (I had done nothing wrong, but this is how it affects us). I felt guilty and dirty even looking at a child.
In April 2021, the Police called him in for interview. When he called that afternoon to say what had been found he said, "it wasn't too bad” and “It was only Cartoon images”. That was enough for me- a child is a child, be it in cartoon form or otherwise. I asked him to leave that day, but said I was prepared to support him if he was honest about everything. He said he had Porn addiction and was going to get help for Sex addicts anonymous (he knew about LLF when police initially attended), but I wanted a divorce as I could not have any association with him due to the nature of my work.
Then in July 2021 he got remanded into custody after attempting to meet a woman with a 3-year-old girl and a 4-month-old baby. The Police searched his parents’ house where he had been living. His Parents did not believe what the Police told them and said the "Police were targeting him" and that he had previously been investigated for CSAI just before I met him. I knew nothing of his previous behaviour and his Parents never said or indicated that anything happened.
It was only in Court at his sentencing did I hear the full horror of what he had been up to. He had lied to me for years. Hoodwinked me. What he said he intended to do with those Children was abhorrent, disgusting (he went prepared to commit an offence is all I can say), unforgivable- thankfully, he was caught as part of a Police sting, and the Children were fictitious. I believe he was involved in something bigger as he received a 14-year sentence.
I have had to cut ties with all his family for self-preservation purposes. I feel massive guilt as his Parents now have no-one, they are elderly and alone. I still drive past their house, but if I maintained contact, it would make my mental health much worse. It is now 14 months since he was sent to Prison and every day, I think about him and his parents; the effect it has had on me, my Mum, his Parents, friends.
I still love him. Not what he has done. But the person I knew.
There are no right decisions. None of them will be easy. They will be B****y difficult. But I don’t regret not leaving him sooner- I can rest knowing he had a chance to get help, be honest and do the right thing. But I know I will never have got all the answers I need.
Lots of love
I too am a leaver.
Got the Knock in November 2019. Police classed us both as being under investigation. He said he had not done anything wrong. I stayed as there was no evidence to prove otherwise. The Police had to inform my employers due to my Job- Luckily, they were supportive and allowed me to continue working.
Like others I am a CSA survivor, and he knew that. For the next 18 months I spent time thinking I was guilty (I had done nothing wrong, but this is how it affects us). I felt guilty and dirty even looking at a child.
In April 2021, the Police called him in for interview. When he called that afternoon to say what had been found he said, "it wasn't too bad” and “It was only Cartoon images”. That was enough for me- a child is a child, be it in cartoon form or otherwise. I asked him to leave that day, but said I was prepared to support him if he was honest about everything. He said he had Porn addiction and was going to get help for Sex addicts anonymous (he knew about LLF when police initially attended), but I wanted a divorce as I could not have any association with him due to the nature of my work.
Then in July 2021 he got remanded into custody after attempting to meet a woman with a 3-year-old girl and a 4-month-old baby. The Police searched his parents’ house where he had been living. His Parents did not believe what the Police told them and said the "Police were targeting him" and that he had previously been investigated for CSAI just before I met him. I knew nothing of his previous behaviour and his Parents never said or indicated that anything happened.
It was only in Court at his sentencing did I hear the full horror of what he had been up to. He had lied to me for years. Hoodwinked me. What he said he intended to do with those Children was abhorrent, disgusting (he went prepared to commit an offence is all I can say), unforgivable- thankfully, he was caught as part of a Police sting, and the Children were fictitious. I believe he was involved in something bigger as he received a 14-year sentence.
I have had to cut ties with all his family for self-preservation purposes. I feel massive guilt as his Parents now have no-one, they are elderly and alone. I still drive past their house, but if I maintained contact, it would make my mental health much worse. It is now 14 months since he was sent to Prison and every day, I think about him and his parents; the effect it has had on me, my Mum, his Parents, friends.
I still love him. Not what he has done. But the person I knew.
There are no right decisions. None of them will be easy. They will be B****y difficult. But I don’t regret not leaving him sooner- I can rest knowing he had a chance to get help, be honest and do the right thing. But I know I will never have got all the answers I need.
Lots of love
He left after the knock of June 14th 22
Because of what was discovered cat A I was informed by the police and sw that any attempts to stay in contact with him would risk me loosing my kids.... we had only had a child together that January but after I left the area moved into a refuge of September that year loosing all hope of everything..... I started seeing him without my kids obviously but its more to trying to get something from him.... hoping if he could be honest with myself and himself as he owed our kids that much but it is probably a better indication that he was possibly grooming myself to the fact he may have ad a double life that part is hard to understand but his too risk to be around the kids so I'd never let him bk into the life we made with out him so only want him as a dad to be a possible father to them I shouldn't have a good reason y he doesn't deserve them his crossed a line no parent should have..... my kids are entitled to decide too my nr 17yo is interested possible his in 2minds.... I'm vigilant regarding our daughter and our last child together.....
Just no way with this so secretary is not easy for us as we are left holding to our life as we know it..... I'm just unsure what to do in going fward in all this it's spose to go trial I'm scared of what that intails I don't want to go court for my kids are my life now I don't want to say I want him bk but I would like to know what can even happen this isn't a easy process as much as the rest on this site but how does this go......
Because of what was discovered cat A I was informed by the police and sw that any attempts to stay in contact with him would risk me loosing my kids.... we had only had a child together that January but after I left the area moved into a refuge of September that year loosing all hope of everything..... I started seeing him without my kids obviously but its more to trying to get something from him.... hoping if he could be honest with myself and himself as he owed our kids that much but it is probably a better indication that he was possibly grooming myself to the fact he may have ad a double life that part is hard to understand but his too risk to be around the kids so I'd never let him bk into the life we made with out him so only want him as a dad to be a possible father to them I shouldn't have a good reason y he doesn't deserve them his crossed a line no parent should have..... my kids are entitled to decide too my nr 17yo is interested possible his in 2minds.... I'm vigilant regarding our daughter and our last child together.....
Just no way with this so secretary is not easy for us as we are left holding to our life as we know it..... I'm just unsure what to do in going fward in all this it's spose to go trial I'm scared of what that intails I don't want to go court for my kids are my life now I don't want to say I want him bk but I would like to know what can even happen this isn't a easy process as much as the rest on this site but how does this go......
Leaver here.
Left immediately and did not return even when he got a NFA. Porn addiction was the excuse.
The trauma of the knock destroyed me and I could never take the risk of this happening again. It would kill me.
Left immediately and did not return even when he got a NFA. Porn addiction was the excuse.
The trauma of the knock destroyed me and I could never take the risk of this happening again. It would kill me.
Totally lost,
I took my person back after NFA - and now six years later I am here again with worse accusations. I will never put myself or my kids through that again.
I took my person back after NFA - and now six years later I am here again with worse accusations. I will never put myself or my kids through that again.
It's over 4 years after the knock and 1 year post sentencing for iioc and extreme images. We live seperately but we are still a team.
I have to tell you, i do forgive him. He isnt perfect but he has made progress. I'm not sorry the Knock happened, as devestating as it was at the time. I'm glad he was caught before it escalated. I want him to be safe and I dont want any children to be exploited. I also think in a funny way, our relationship is netter thab it was. We talk alot more. 11 years together and we still light up with each other.
The worst part of everything has been SS involvement. They are completely prejudice and assume everyone who downloads images will abuse a child which the evidence shows is not the case. 2% is the number that actually do according to research. They assume any kind behaviour is grooming and any explanation or context of what happened is minimising. SS will throw you to the ground, trample on your head and then ask you why you are crying.
My daughter wants her dad back. She is the one who has suffered the most emotional distress. SS don't care about the emotional harm they inflict on her. But she knows how loved she is and I have hope we will be a family again one day.
I have to tell you, i do forgive him. He isnt perfect but he has made progress. I'm not sorry the Knock happened, as devestating as it was at the time. I'm glad he was caught before it escalated. I want him to be safe and I dont want any children to be exploited. I also think in a funny way, our relationship is netter thab it was. We talk alot more. 11 years together and we still light up with each other.
The worst part of everything has been SS involvement. They are completely prejudice and assume everyone who downloads images will abuse a child which the evidence shows is not the case. 2% is the number that actually do according to research. They assume any kind behaviour is grooming and any explanation or context of what happened is minimising. SS will throw you to the ground, trample on your head and then ask you why you are crying.
My daughter wants her dad back. She is the one who has suffered the most emotional distress. SS don't care about the emotional harm they inflict on her. But she knows how loved she is and I have hope we will be a family again one day.
I've stood by my husband, no charge as yet but he has admitted to all counts, no contact, a lot of images and conversations with others. we believe he is a sex addict, porn addict, that he was seeking the thrill and it went very much further than it ever should have. There are things in his past that also point to this. He has been honest with me about what he has done and we are both having counselling. We have no children at home so I don't have that to worry about, our adult children are supportive so far and my parents have also been amazing. He doesn't have any family. Sounds cliche but this man is my world and despite what he has done he has always been loving and supportive of me and my difficult health issues. I can't honestly say that I won't change my mind down the line but for now we take every day and live life as best we can. He's doing all he can to fix things, therapy, no social media, courses, and we talk about everything. Good and bad.
As for the future, who knows, we don't know if he will get a custodial sentence or not. Or how I will cope on my own. I haven't told any friends or colleagues, neither has he. So will deal with that when needed. Maybe sounds daft but we only really have each other.
As for the future, who knows, we don't know if he will get a custodial sentence or not. Or how I will cope on my own. I haven't told any friends or colleagues, neither has he. So will deal with that when needed. Maybe sounds daft but we only really have each other.
Hi, I havent posted on here for a long time.
I supported my husband (mainly because he didnt get support from others) as i wanted him to get through this for the sake of our children.
I tried hard to put it aside and carry on but family made it hard and i really dont think i will ever get over it. Its changed me, my anxiety has hit the roof. I want to be the person i was before all this happened.
Looking back i can see we werent close like others and we had problems years before all this started. I can see the love was lost. We care for each other but not like partners.
My emotions change daily where i can feel sorry for him or really hate him. Its best i concentrate on myself as for the past few years ive supported him yet havent had the support for myself.
This is a horrible thing for us to have to go through and there should be more help for us.
Love to you all x
I supported my husband (mainly because he didnt get support from others) as i wanted him to get through this for the sake of our children.
I tried hard to put it aside and carry on but family made it hard and i really dont think i will ever get over it. Its changed me, my anxiety has hit the roof. I want to be the person i was before all this happened.
Looking back i can see we werent close like others and we had problems years before all this started. I can see the love was lost. We care for each other but not like partners.
My emotions change daily where i can feel sorry for him or really hate him. Its best i concentrate on myself as for the past few years ive supported him yet havent had the support for myself.
This is a horrible thing for us to have to go through and there should be more help for us.
Love to you all x
I have left, mainly due to the lies though to be honest. Arrested for communication. Since the knock he denied all knowledge of the conversation but as more details have become available it is clear it was him. His solicitor described my bedroom to me based on a photo he had sent so it's clear it was him.
I am going to see the solicitor in a couple of weeks where I will see the evidence for myself to give me some closure and confirm what I already know. He still won't actually admit it to me even though he's given a guilty plea.
If he had been honest from the start and worked on himself things might have been different but I can't be with someone who will lie to me for months on end.
I am going to see the solicitor in a couple of weeks where I will see the evidence for myself to give me some closure and confirm what I already know. He still won't actually admit it to me even though he's given a guilty plea.
If he had been honest from the start and worked on himself things might have been different but I can't be with someone who will lie to me for months on end.
Hi stressedwife
I can totally relate. The trust has gone for me, in fact it went after he was investigated in 2018 and then when I found out about an arrest and investigation in 2016, I wanted to stay Witt him but I didn't trust him. Even now he's claiming it's all unsolicited. The police said "they all say that". You can't tell me you're not involved in something to me investigated by three separate police forces over seven years. He still won't admit anything to me either. Complete denial at the moment.
I can totally relate. The trust has gone for me, in fact it went after he was investigated in 2018 and then when I found out about an arrest and investigation in 2016, I wanted to stay Witt him but I didn't trust him. Even now he's claiming it's all unsolicited. The police said "they all say that". You can't tell me you're not involved in something to me investigated by three separate police forces over seven years. He still won't admit anything to me either. Complete denial at the moment.
I left. For me it was the lies and the extent of the truth that then came out. It's a very personal decision but I don't regret my decision to leave for a second.
Post deleted