Nearly 4 years in, and a wobble!
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Hi Everyone,
Sorry to see more people joining us.
I’m nearly 4 years in, my then husband was arrested after vigilante decoy sting and Facebook livestream. Unbeknown to me he’d been on chat sites (adult), had meets with randomn women, chatted to a ‘13yo’ and went to meet. No other illegal chats, no images, was not expected to have a custodial sentence, but did. 28 months, served 14 months in prison. My life instantly became like a living torture.
We had been married for well over 30 years, and, I thought, were happy, but then his secret life tore my world apart. I have supported him from a distance, as I couldn’t just stop caring, but I realised that the marriage was over.
For me, once the trust had gone, that was it. I knew I could not live the rest of my life under his conditions, nor could I ever trust him again. Turns out to be the right decision as very quickly he moved on to a much younger woman.
I’m still working hard to separate our lives completely, but I am the one who is having to do all the work on this, whilst he has set up his own new life, well away from everyone in his old life. I believe that he wants to keep me in his life as a safety net… but I refuse to let myself take on this role. It shows his selfish nature.
I have have stabilised myself and found my new ‘normal’ and am generally happy and content with my new life, albeit not what I wanted and planned. I know I was fortunate to have the most wonderful loving support from friends and family.
Just recently though, it’s all replaying in my mind and I’m finding that I’m struggling with it all. All the old questions, that I have found answers for before, are resurfacing. I feel like I’ve taken a huge step back after making many small steps forward to where I am now. How do you ever put this completely out of your mind? Can you? How do live with the uncertainty? None of us really knows what another person is thinking or doing. How do I trust someone again. I find I am repulsed by the thought of a relationship with another man. I look at them and wonder what’s going on in their heads, I see them putting on a pretence quite often. It’s sad to lose my trusting nature.
I try to stay off the forums now, as I don’t want to relive the horror. But sometimes I feel I am drawn to them just to find someone who is feeling the same, just to validate my feelings. Even though I know they are valid!
I have new challenges in my life currently with a sick mother, and I guess that might be contributing to my unease.
Just wanted to share with people that understand rather than burden friends who believe I should be over it all!
Xxx
Sorry to see more people joining us.
I’m nearly 4 years in, my then husband was arrested after vigilante decoy sting and Facebook livestream. Unbeknown to me he’d been on chat sites (adult), had meets with randomn women, chatted to a ‘13yo’ and went to meet. No other illegal chats, no images, was not expected to have a custodial sentence, but did. 28 months, served 14 months in prison. My life instantly became like a living torture.
We had been married for well over 30 years, and, I thought, were happy, but then his secret life tore my world apart. I have supported him from a distance, as I couldn’t just stop caring, but I realised that the marriage was over.
For me, once the trust had gone, that was it. I knew I could not live the rest of my life under his conditions, nor could I ever trust him again. Turns out to be the right decision as very quickly he moved on to a much younger woman.
I’m still working hard to separate our lives completely, but I am the one who is having to do all the work on this, whilst he has set up his own new life, well away from everyone in his old life. I believe that he wants to keep me in his life as a safety net… but I refuse to let myself take on this role. It shows his selfish nature.
I have have stabilised myself and found my new ‘normal’ and am generally happy and content with my new life, albeit not what I wanted and planned. I know I was fortunate to have the most wonderful loving support from friends and family.
Just recently though, it’s all replaying in my mind and I’m finding that I’m struggling with it all. All the old questions, that I have found answers for before, are resurfacing. I feel like I’ve taken a huge step back after making many small steps forward to where I am now. How do you ever put this completely out of your mind? Can you? How do live with the uncertainty? None of us really knows what another person is thinking or doing. How do I trust someone again. I find I am repulsed by the thought of a relationship with another man. I look at them and wonder what’s going on in their heads, I see them putting on a pretence quite often. It’s sad to lose my trusting nature.
I try to stay off the forums now, as I don’t want to relive the horror. But sometimes I feel I am drawn to them just to find someone who is feeling the same, just to validate my feelings. Even though I know they are valid!
I have new challenges in my life currently with a sick mother, and I guess that might be contributing to my unease.
Just wanted to share with people that understand rather than burden friends who believe I should be over it all!
Xxx
This journey leaves scars. Whether we stay or leave. Whether it's you partner, your child, your sibling or a parent - We walk a path and live through experiences that can never be undone.
If often wonder if I'd feel different if I left but I'd have still lived through what I have and had to consider, learn and understand things I'd never dreamed I have to.
If often wonder if I'd feel different if I left but I'd have still lived through what I have and had to consider, learn and understand things I'd never dreamed I have to.
I just wanted to say how much your post resonates with me... 3 years on for us, and here I am every single day checking this forum. It's such a big trauma that we've all been through xxx
I should also say that my ex and I separated following the knock. But I still jump out of my skin at knocks at the door, fear missed calls, have a lot of fear and sadness running through my head a lot of the time.
We are still very much in each others lives as we are still friends and have a son together. But I now also have a baby daughter with my new partner, and my heart breaks on a frequent basis thinking of my beautiful, loved protected safe children and how other children that are the victims of this crime have had their lives and innocence destroyed. When my baby smiles I feel both joy and sadness. I feel so angry that my ex has tainted these precious early days by his crimes.
I try so hard to move on from what happened (whilst suitably protecting both my children of course, and encouraging a positive relationship with my son and his father) but it's in my head so much. It's like I can't escape and my heart is breaking :(
We are still very much in each others lives as we are still friends and have a son together. But I now also have a baby daughter with my new partner, and my heart breaks on a frequent basis thinking of my beautiful, loved protected safe children and how other children that are the victims of this crime have had their lives and innocence destroyed. When my baby smiles I feel both joy and sadness. I feel so angry that my ex has tainted these precious early days by his crimes.
I try so hard to move on from what happened (whilst suitably protecting both my children of course, and encouraging a positive relationship with my son and his father) but it's in my head so much. It's like I can't escape and my heart is breaking :(
I'm not as far on as you. Ours all happened very quickly and it's only 8 months from his arrest but we're already over 3 months post-sentencing. We're no longer together, for all sorts of reasons, but some of what you said resonated - my H was also using chat websites, met with prostitutes (I haven't asked about other women, I don't want to know the answer but i assume he did), chats were with police decoys, but similar age - 13 and 14, and he talked to them, though didn't plan to meet. My values are honesty, integrity and trust, and I feel like nothing of these mean anything to him. I also struggle with how I can ever trust another man again. I hate what my life has become because of what he did. I most likely have PTSD and I have panic attacks.
We have teens so he doesn't want to move away at the moment, but this is what he'd like to do and I'm sure he'll move on to another relationship far quicker than I will.
I was replying because the last couple of weeks, I have felt so bereft and angry; he was my family. Both my parents are dead; I lost my mum a couple of years ago and my dad a long time ago. My sister lives on the other side of the world. I have amazing friends, but they all have families, partners, and other things going on. Living on my own in the future doesn't bother me, but it's the feeling that nobody would notice if I wasn't around, or who would care for me if I got sick (Kids are boys, they're great, but I wouldn't rely on them!), or just being someone's priority at traditionally family getting together times, like Easter which I think is what prompted my feeling of isolation. So I get how you are feeling, and it probably is prompted by your mother being unwell. Life changes remind us of how vulnerable we are. And I always say this journey is one that keeps on giving. I don't think I will ever be free of the trauma, and like grief, we don't ever get over it but get better at coping with it. But something will always pop up to remind us of our loss.
We have teens so he doesn't want to move away at the moment, but this is what he'd like to do and I'm sure he'll move on to another relationship far quicker than I will.
I was replying because the last couple of weeks, I have felt so bereft and angry; he was my family. Both my parents are dead; I lost my mum a couple of years ago and my dad a long time ago. My sister lives on the other side of the world. I have amazing friends, but they all have families, partners, and other things going on. Living on my own in the future doesn't bother me, but it's the feeling that nobody would notice if I wasn't around, or who would care for me if I got sick (Kids are boys, they're great, but I wouldn't rely on them!), or just being someone's priority at traditionally family getting together times, like Easter which I think is what prompted my feeling of isolation. So I get how you are feeling, and it probably is prompted by your mother being unwell. Life changes remind us of how vulnerable we are. And I always say this journey is one that keeps on giving. I don't think I will ever be free of the trauma, and like grief, we don't ever get over it but get better at coping with it. But something will always pop up to remind us of our loss.
Tabs
Its always good to hear from you and I am sorry you're going through a wobble, look how far you have come and how you have managed to get your life back on track,
This journey will always be in the back of your mind and it will rear itself when you least expect it to
But the situation you are going through with your mum will put pressure on you
You are an incredibly strong person but you are still allowed those wobbles, and there is no better place than to open up and share your thoughts other than here xx
We have and will always be here for you so remember you are not alone xx
Its always good to hear from you and I am sorry you're going through a wobble, look how far you have come and how you have managed to get your life back on track,
This journey will always be in the back of your mind and it will rear itself when you least expect it to
But the situation you are going through with your mum will put pressure on you
You are an incredibly strong person but you are still allowed those wobbles, and there is no better place than to open up and share your thoughts other than here xx
We have and will always be here for you so remember you are not alone xx
Thank you all so much for your responses. Your insight and wisdom means so much. It's such a comfort to know that I can talk to you and know that you understand. Friends and family try their best, but it's such a tangle of emotions in this situation, it's like no other.
And as has been said, everyone has their own problems and families to deal with. I need to dig deep again for a while to get through this wobble, and get through it I will, there is no choice! Onwards! And thank you again xxx
And as has been said, everyone has their own problems and families to deal with. I need to dig deep again for a while to get through this wobble, and get through it I will, there is no choice! Onwards! And thank you again xxx
Lovley to hear from you Tabs sorry to hear you are having a bit of a wobble it's not surprising with what you have going on. Remember to be kind to yourself you've come this far xx
Hi Tabs
I know how you feel, I too had a wobble, it's been 2.5 years since this happened and our divorce is completed but I am now in the process of selling the house. This is the first time that I have done this on my own and I was clearing a few things out and got a bit upset. I think it's the grieving for the lost relationship and the future that I thought I would have that has done it. I know I will be able to move house ( with the help of friends) but it has unsettled me not as bad as at the begining but I thought I was getting better. I am also thinking of questions I wish I had asked my ex although I doubt whether he would have told me the truth. I read somewhere that it takes a 1 year for every 5 years that you have been married to recover from a normal divorce, never mind with the additional emotions with this.
I think as you say it is probably because you are looking after your mum, I hope you will resettle your emotions again soon.
Take care Bereft x
I know how you feel, I too had a wobble, it's been 2.5 years since this happened and our divorce is completed but I am now in the process of selling the house. This is the first time that I have done this on my own and I was clearing a few things out and got a bit upset. I think it's the grieving for the lost relationship and the future that I thought I would have that has done it. I know I will be able to move house ( with the help of friends) but it has unsettled me not as bad as at the begining but I thought I was getting better. I am also thinking of questions I wish I had asked my ex although I doubt whether he would have told me the truth. I read somewhere that it takes a 1 year for every 5 years that you have been married to recover from a normal divorce, never mind with the additional emotions with this.
I think as you say it is probably because you are looking after your mum, I hope you will resettle your emotions again soon.
Take care Bereft x
I think a wobble can grab you any time and anywhere, agree it's horrible and drags you right back to places you don't want to revisit.
but we do our damn best to stay strong and cope with it all...... not easy tho....
but we do our damn best to stay strong and cope with it all...... not easy tho....
This is my first post on the forum because I have always been a bit intimidated to write but I've read the things that people have written and it resonates so much. It has been 3 years since 'the knock' came for my ex husband and I keep feeling like I should have been able to move on already. We split up immediately and I am finding it so difficult to navigate dating since. I was 29 when it happened and saw a whole future ahead of me. Every time I get close to anyone the fear sets in and I run. I have read that some people have found new and loving partners and I wondered if anyone had ways to navigate this or if this was also other people's experiences. The anxiety since that day has been like nothing I've ever experienced before.