Should he still see our daughter?
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Hi
Im hoping that someone can help with some advice about offenders and their children.
My husband was arrested in march for images involving very young children of the same age as our daughter. He left the family home and hasnt returned and our relationship is over Ive filed for divorce and made it clear that there is no future for us. However i am really torn about his relationship with our daughter.
Im a strong believer that children should know both parents and the idea of her not having him in her life was what really upset me early on in the process of finding out what he did. Initally he wasnt allowed to see her and the social worker assigned temporially to us refused to even consider contact. But when we got our full term social worker she did agree to contact and since May he has been seeing her every two weeks completely supervised.
Last month he was sentenced to 16 months in jail. Hell likely be out in may and has even written to me saying that there is even a possibilty of him being out on house arrest in january. He also asked for me to bring our daughter into jail to see him, let him phone her and send letters.
Ive said no to phonecalls because i dont think that will benefit her (or me to hear his voice) and ive said he can write letters that she can have when shes older as letters mean nothing to her now. But i have refused to take her into jail. My reason is i dont believe it to be a suitable place for her to go and i dont feel able to visit and wouldnt want anyone else to take her in. He has agreed and said that as much as he wants to see her he agrees that taking her into jail isnt in her best interest.
My problem is that social services have now closed our case so any visits are completely decided by me and im confused about what to do when he comes out. I know that I will never trust him to have her unsupervised knowing what images he was looking at but hes going to be on the sex offenders register for 10 years. Shell be 12 when he comes off. Im being advised by people around me (including social services and my health vistor before the case was closed) that i should stop him from having contact with her ever again and do i really want my young daughter around someone like him.
Im just wondering if anybody has any advice on their partner having contact with their children. I know ultimately it is my decision and I intend to think a long time about it before making a decision. But feel that since the people around me havent been in this situation that id just like to know what someone who has thinks about it and how they have personally dealt with it.
Thanks
Krissie
Im hoping that someone can help with some advice about offenders and their children.
My husband was arrested in march for images involving very young children of the same age as our daughter. He left the family home and hasnt returned and our relationship is over Ive filed for divorce and made it clear that there is no future for us. However i am really torn about his relationship with our daughter.
Im a strong believer that children should know both parents and the idea of her not having him in her life was what really upset me early on in the process of finding out what he did. Initally he wasnt allowed to see her and the social worker assigned temporially to us refused to even consider contact. But when we got our full term social worker she did agree to contact and since May he has been seeing her every two weeks completely supervised.
Last month he was sentenced to 16 months in jail. Hell likely be out in may and has even written to me saying that there is even a possibilty of him being out on house arrest in january. He also asked for me to bring our daughter into jail to see him, let him phone her and send letters.
Ive said no to phonecalls because i dont think that will benefit her (or me to hear his voice) and ive said he can write letters that she can have when shes older as letters mean nothing to her now. But i have refused to take her into jail. My reason is i dont believe it to be a suitable place for her to go and i dont feel able to visit and wouldnt want anyone else to take her in. He has agreed and said that as much as he wants to see her he agrees that taking her into jail isnt in her best interest.
My problem is that social services have now closed our case so any visits are completely decided by me and im confused about what to do when he comes out. I know that I will never trust him to have her unsupervised knowing what images he was looking at but hes going to be on the sex offenders register for 10 years. Shell be 12 when he comes off. Im being advised by people around me (including social services and my health vistor before the case was closed) that i should stop him from having contact with her ever again and do i really want my young daughter around someone like him.
Im just wondering if anybody has any advice on their partner having contact with their children. I know ultimately it is my decision and I intend to think a long time about it before making a decision. But feel that since the people around me havent been in this situation that id just like to know what someone who has thinks about it and how they have personally dealt with it.
Thanks
Krissie
Sorry i cant really offer any advice. Hopefully there will be someone on here who has experience of access to children after prison. Have you called the helpline they may be able to offer advice or help you to find out where to get advice. Its a really difficult one isnt it, its hard decision that i guess you need to make with advice from family, probation service and possibly social services again (will they become involved again if they know he may have access?). What has he done to address his offending/his attitude to what he did. If you allow access could you do it at a contact centre to take the pressure off yourself and be in a safer neutral place.
Thanks Maria.
I havent phoned the helpline about this ive been trying to get my own head around it and the implications if i do or dont allow visition. I might give them a call for advice.
As far as Im aware social services will not get back involved. The social worker said that if i decide to let him see her that is my choice . I think the only time they would get back involved is if they felt i posed a risk to my.daughter by allowing him to see her unsupervised, or letting her sleep round his or go away with him. Or if i were to restart a romantic relationship with him.
I wont be able to use a contact centre as they were already pushing to have a family member supervise him and outside of a centre before he was sentenced. I kinda feel that if i allow him to see her id have to supervise as theres noone else to do it and it would have to be in a public place.
As for him hes shown no signs of seeking treatment even after me asking him to for the sake of our daughter. He hasnt taken responsibility for his actions as all. He blames a mental breakdown and states he doesnt remember anything from the time period he was doing it (which i think it complet lies). Hell be on a treatment plan now that hes inside and will likely have to continue when hes out. But he doesnt seem remorseful or to understand the realities of what hes done. In his mind in 10 years time when hes off the register i will get back with him and hell get to take our daughter away on holiday. The only thing that has felt real is the fact he was upset hjat our marriage has ended and that he doesnt get to see our daughter everyday and do the normal father daughter things with her
I havent phoned the helpline about this ive been trying to get my own head around it and the implications if i do or dont allow visition. I might give them a call for advice.
As far as Im aware social services will not get back involved. The social worker said that if i decide to let him see her that is my choice . I think the only time they would get back involved is if they felt i posed a risk to my.daughter by allowing him to see her unsupervised, or letting her sleep round his or go away with him. Or if i were to restart a romantic relationship with him.
I wont be able to use a contact centre as they were already pushing to have a family member supervise him and outside of a centre before he was sentenced. I kinda feel that if i allow him to see her id have to supervise as theres noone else to do it and it would have to be in a public place.
As for him hes shown no signs of seeking treatment even after me asking him to for the sake of our daughter. He hasnt taken responsibility for his actions as all. He blames a mental breakdown and states he doesnt remember anything from the time period he was doing it (which i think it complet lies). Hell be on a treatment plan now that hes inside and will likely have to continue when hes out. But he doesnt seem remorseful or to understand the realities of what hes done. In his mind in 10 years time when hes off the register i will get back with him and hell get to take our daughter away on holiday. The only thing that has felt real is the fact he was upset hjat our marriage has ended and that he doesnt get to see our daughter everyday and do the normal father daughter things with her
Hi Krissie,
thanks for posting on this forum, and please do call our Stop it Now! Helpline when you have a moment. I can only assume that the last 7 months or so have been enormously difficult for you. What is clear from your message is that, despite all I imagine you have been through, you are continuing to try and work out what's the best way forward for your daughter.
Like you, we believe that children are generally best served by having relationships with both their parents provided, of course, that this can be done safely. To this end, it helps if the parent who has viewed sexual and indecent images of children on the internet takes responsibility for their behaviour and recognises that the family dynamics will have to change, regardless of other outcomes - from your post, this does not appear to be the case with your ex-husband, which presumably makes your dilemma more difficult to resolve.
Regarding prison visits, I would encourage you to be cautious. Prisons are not comfortable environments for anyone, let alone young children, and the visit has the potential to be quite distressing for your daughter. Therefore it's important to ask if visiting her father in prison is in your daughter's best interests? Or is this more about his desire to see her? With all this in mind, most people tend not take their children to visit their parent in prison, expecially if the person is serving a relatively short prison sentence.
Finally, I broadly agree with your comments about the types of situations that might trigger the involvement of Children's Services / Social Care in the future. When your ex-husband is released from prison, he will be monitored by the police as part of his sex offender registration requirements and I imagine by the National Probation Service, too. They will enquire about his contact with children, including his daughter, and it is possible that they might make a new referral to Children's Services, depending on what contact he is having, the nature of the contact, and their assessment of his risk level. I appreciate this prospect might raise some anxiety and uncertainty for you. However, I hope it is helpful to know that it is a possibility - and no more than that. Likewise, assuming your ex-husband has shared parental responsibility for your daughter, it is possible he may apply to the family courts to formalise contact arrangements in the future. Of course, it would then be for the court to decide what is in your daughter's best interests.
I hope this information is helpful and please do call our Helpline. Thanks again for using this forum and best wishes to you.
thanks for posting on this forum, and please do call our Stop it Now! Helpline when you have a moment. I can only assume that the last 7 months or so have been enormously difficult for you. What is clear from your message is that, despite all I imagine you have been through, you are continuing to try and work out what's the best way forward for your daughter.
Like you, we believe that children are generally best served by having relationships with both their parents provided, of course, that this can be done safely. To this end, it helps if the parent who has viewed sexual and indecent images of children on the internet takes responsibility for their behaviour and recognises that the family dynamics will have to change, regardless of other outcomes - from your post, this does not appear to be the case with your ex-husband, which presumably makes your dilemma more difficult to resolve.
Regarding prison visits, I would encourage you to be cautious. Prisons are not comfortable environments for anyone, let alone young children, and the visit has the potential to be quite distressing for your daughter. Therefore it's important to ask if visiting her father in prison is in your daughter's best interests? Or is this more about his desire to see her? With all this in mind, most people tend not take their children to visit their parent in prison, expecially if the person is serving a relatively short prison sentence.
Finally, I broadly agree with your comments about the types of situations that might trigger the involvement of Children's Services / Social Care in the future. When your ex-husband is released from prison, he will be monitored by the police as part of his sex offender registration requirements and I imagine by the National Probation Service, too. They will enquire about his contact with children, including his daughter, and it is possible that they might make a new referral to Children's Services, depending on what contact he is having, the nature of the contact, and their assessment of his risk level. I appreciate this prospect might raise some anxiety and uncertainty for you. However, I hope it is helpful to know that it is a possibility - and no more than that. Likewise, assuming your ex-husband has shared parental responsibility for your daughter, it is possible he may apply to the family courts to formalise contact arrangements in the future. Of course, it would then be for the court to decide what is in your daughter's best interests.
I hope this information is helpful and please do call our Helpline. Thanks again for using this forum and best wishes to you.
Thank you for your reply.
Im really hoping that now he is having counciling and is doing courses as per instructed that he will realise the signifcance of what he has done and will take some responsibilty. Only time will tell though. Im also hoping hell realise the impact it has had and how his family life will not be the same as before (which he thought it would be)
Im uncomfortable with the idea of our daughter going into to prison to see him. I rewlly dont think its the place for her so that wont be happening.
Im glad to hear that someone will be monitoring what contact if any he has that is reassuring. Although im still undecided on if he should she her.
My daughters social worker had already warned me that as he has parental responsibilty towards our daughter he could take me to court to see her. And she has explained that she would have to do an assessment on him. Ive recently filed for divorce and have already spoken to my solicitor about this possibility. So we have already put papers together for me to file for full cusitody if the situation were to develope and i need to. But thats as a last resort.
I will phone the helpline but when my daughter isnt with me (which will be a few days)
Im really hoping that now he is having counciling and is doing courses as per instructed that he will realise the signifcance of what he has done and will take some responsibilty. Only time will tell though. Im also hoping hell realise the impact it has had and how his family life will not be the same as before (which he thought it would be)
Im uncomfortable with the idea of our daughter going into to prison to see him. I rewlly dont think its the place for her so that wont be happening.
Im glad to hear that someone will be monitoring what contact if any he has that is reassuring. Although im still undecided on if he should she her.
My daughters social worker had already warned me that as he has parental responsibilty towards our daughter he could take me to court to see her. And she has explained that she would have to do an assessment on him. Ive recently filed for divorce and have already spoken to my solicitor about this possibility. So we have already put papers together for me to file for full cusitody if the situation were to develope and i need to. But thats as a last resort.
I will phone the helpline but when my daughter isnt with me (which will be a few days)