Shame
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I very much feel I'm living this out in reverse. (My person didn't tell me he was under investigation and we started our relationship very shortly after he received the knock). I'm committed to being in with him, but I'm also starting to contemplate telling people and with that I feel so much shame. Shame that I love someone that has been convicted of this crime. Shame that I'm not leaving when I so easily could.
To talk about his crime and put things in context I think I need to talk about his, mine and our sex life to explain how I understand he got here and why I believe there was no intent, why I believe he won't ever do this again. But it feels humiliating. Perhaps that's to do with my own insecurities. I've done nothing wrong but yet to move forward in my life and to do that without shutting people out, I feel that I need to tell some people to be authentic and go not live a lie. There are certain friendships that have grown distant because I struggle to be anything but authentic around them.
To talk about his crime and put things in context I think I need to talk about his, mine and our sex life to explain how I understand he got here and why I believe there was no intent, why I believe he won't ever do this again. But it feels humiliating. Perhaps that's to do with my own insecurities. I've done nothing wrong but yet to move forward in my life and to do that without shutting people out, I feel that I need to tell some people to be authentic and go not live a lie. There are certain friendships that have grown distant because I struggle to be anything but authentic around them.
Unfortunately I think shame does come as a package with this and it's not because there should be shame but because of stigma. Because of society. The desire to be honest and open can be overbearing but I don't think a lot of good comes from being honest or open about the ins and outs of relationships with other people. I never speak about my relationship to any of my friends or family, even in times where he's gotten on my nerves or whatever. I'm quite a private person anyway so it's not too difficult and sometimes I think it's nuts how nobody knows the battle we've been through but it's personal to us and it adds another layer of intimacy and privacy to our relationship because it's a huge battle we went through alone, together. We do a lot of stuff just us and there's only a couple of my friends we mix with very occasionally because we prefer to be just us. That's my outlook anyway.
Maybe you could tell one friend who isn't meshed in with other friends and see how it goes? It's very difficult because you never know how people will react. I've said before, I was forced to tell my sister and she was brilliant about it. I always feel like you're a very wise woman, intelligent and trustworthy, I'm sure that is reflected in real life and with that being said it builds trust of character so maybe your friends will understand your choice and support it because they know you're to be trusted in your judgement xx
Maybe you could tell one friend who isn't meshed in with other friends and see how it goes? It's very difficult because you never know how people will react. I've said before, I was forced to tell my sister and she was brilliant about it. I always feel like you're a very wise woman, intelligent and trustworthy, I'm sure that is reflected in real life and with that being said it builds trust of character so maybe your friends will understand your choice and support it because they know you're to be trusted in your judgement xx
Of the many (many) emotions I have about this situation, one of the most overriding for me is the absolute burning, crippling, agonising shame. Shame of people knowing. Shame of even being associated in any way. Shame (as you describe) of having to attempt to explain context. Shame of people knowing/potentially knowing. The shame that this has forced me to be a liar. And to lie about my lies. And to encourage (even coach) my children to lie (purely in the interests of their self-protection). Shame that I am not normal. Shame that my relationship failed so spectacularly. Shame that I have done nothing wrong, and yet still feel ashamed... Etc etc...
Hi Sal,
I told everyone that is important to me within the first couple of weeks, I needed their support and in my mind the relationship was over. Once I realised that this wasn't actually what I wanted and that we may be able to reconcile I went through pulling myself away from friends and family for the same reasons as yourself, I couldn't be authentic with them. Fortunately I had the excuse of having a small child to look after so nobody really questioned why I'd become distant. I have now told everyone that we do plan to be together again in the future. I've never gone into what led him down this path with anyone, in my mind that is his business. I've said that for me he makes me happy majority of the time and that is what I want for my life. I do share with some people the things I've learned on here and on courses and also give updates on the courses he's done and doing to show that he's committed to being the best version of himself and I'm not blindly trusting him because I love him. My friends and family support me and respect my decisions. There was about 2 years from the arrest to me actually making a firm decision about our future so a lot of time for my important people to process the crime and hear through me how he'd stepped up with our daughter and was rebuilding his life. Make sure you allow people time to process things and try not to take a bit of distance personally. Apologies for the long reply, you know how individual our experiences are and what you can handle. Whilst it's not a pleasant thought but what would your life look like without these people in it? Would you rather be authentic and see what happens? xxx
I told everyone that is important to me within the first couple of weeks, I needed their support and in my mind the relationship was over. Once I realised that this wasn't actually what I wanted and that we may be able to reconcile I went through pulling myself away from friends and family for the same reasons as yourself, I couldn't be authentic with them. Fortunately I had the excuse of having a small child to look after so nobody really questioned why I'd become distant. I have now told everyone that we do plan to be together again in the future. I've never gone into what led him down this path with anyone, in my mind that is his business. I've said that for me he makes me happy majority of the time and that is what I want for my life. I do share with some people the things I've learned on here and on courses and also give updates on the courses he's done and doing to show that he's committed to being the best version of himself and I'm not blindly trusting him because I love him. My friends and family support me and respect my decisions. There was about 2 years from the arrest to me actually making a firm decision about our future so a lot of time for my important people to process the crime and hear through me how he'd stepped up with our daughter and was rebuilding his life. Make sure you allow people time to process things and try not to take a bit of distance personally. Apologies for the long reply, you know how individual our experiences are and what you can handle. Whilst it's not a pleasant thought but what would your life look like without these people in it? Would you rather be authentic and see what happens? xxx
I get exactly how you feel .I still feel guilt and shame , I Keep telling myself I've did nothing wrong , but I can't help think of only people knew , they'd hate me .how when I was on the bus with him last week a load of teen kids the age of the ones in his chat , got on I keit wondering if he was attracted to them . I felt so uncomfortable and sometimes it ts impossible to get that feeling away .it is getting less and less but when it hits me what he did and I still love him when I could have easily walked away as I'm financially independent and we've not kids together or married. But I also know he's not his crime . Itsthe person I know he is so loving , kind , smart and funny .it's a mind f**k lol x
BaffledB thanks for the kind words. I too am quite insular, don't have lots of friends but those I do I am very open with - I struggle to be anything but authentic and in doing that I'd found a really comfortable way to live life (something I'd struggled with), I was proud of who I was, the decisions I made and my priorities in life and what I value. That's been thrown into chaos. I have told 3 friends that are not intertwined with other friendship groups or local to me and they have been great. The reason if came up so heavily is a local friend has reach out so much to me that it's embarrassing the amount of excuses I've made. She's very open minded, well lived but quite opinionated too. I don't think the crime as such would phase her but I think she's heavily question why I am doing this to myself.
InTatters I HATE the lies. It's a constant weight and distraction to me. And as you say - I don't feel normal. I'm living in a parallel university but can't tell anyone because of shame and fear.
Distressed and Pregnant I have considered what would make me happier him or potentially not having some family and friends in my life. He makes me very happy and even now, being in prison he still manages to bring a huge amount of joy to my life. I guess it's less about whether they decided they didn't want to be friends with me and more to do with the shame I feel and potential repercussions as we think he'll be moving to my home town until we can find somewhere to live.
Newlady like you I am not tied to him in anyway. While I'm grateful because I know I'm staying through choice, I do think I'd be judged more for staying when it would be so easy to leave.
I want to tell work that I'm living through something quite traumatic and it's impacting me. But too ashamed to talk to them - Even saying he's in prison. I never thought I'd be put in this situation. It's dented my pride and I feel somewhat hallow. I'm currently sat in the doctors surgery hoping to increase my medication but also to talk to them about what letters they could write that might be helpful in explaining to work why I'm struggling and it not just being something insignificant. Obviously not disclosing would arouse suspicious anyway and I'd feel judged based on whatever they decided to think was happening.
InTatters I HATE the lies. It's a constant weight and distraction to me. And as you say - I don't feel normal. I'm living in a parallel university but can't tell anyone because of shame and fear.
Distressed and Pregnant I have considered what would make me happier him or potentially not having some family and friends in my life. He makes me very happy and even now, being in prison he still manages to bring a huge amount of joy to my life. I guess it's less about whether they decided they didn't want to be friends with me and more to do with the shame I feel and potential repercussions as we think he'll be moving to my home town until we can find somewhere to live.
Newlady like you I am not tied to him in anyway. While I'm grateful because I know I'm staying through choice, I do think I'd be judged more for staying when it would be so easy to leave.
I want to tell work that I'm living through something quite traumatic and it's impacting me. But too ashamed to talk to them - Even saying he's in prison. I never thought I'd be put in this situation. It's dented my pride and I feel somewhat hallow. I'm currently sat in the doctors surgery hoping to increase my medication but also to talk to them about what letters they could write that might be helpful in explaining to work why I'm struggling and it not just being something insignificant. Obviously not disclosing would arouse suspicious anyway and I'd feel judged based on whatever they decided to think was happening.
I feel you completely! Another perspective is how admirable you are as a person to support someone who others would not (to those who read this who have left please don't take offence, every situation is different). You obviously see something in him that makes you believe there can be a future and that future is worth the troubles faced so far. It's also very much a case of you can't say what you would do unless you've been in this situation. I certainly would've thought I would've walked the day of the arrest without even trying to find out his version before it actually happened. I'm glad you've got a couple of people to support you.
I think a lot of people live with 'secrets'. I know many couples who post in adoration of each other on social media but hear through the grapevine of infidelity or blazing arguments that have spilled out on the street, I think our secrets are just more stigmatised! It's also a stark reminder of why I keep my relationship to myself because of gossips. Maybe once he's out things may become clearer or easier for you as at the moment I can only imagine it makes you feel like you're living a double life and it's harder for you. Sending love. I wish I had a magic wand so I could zap this away for you xx
I think a lot of people live with 'secrets'. I know many couples who post in adoration of each other on social media but hear through the grapevine of infidelity or blazing arguments that have spilled out on the street, I think our secrets are just more stigmatised! It's also a stark reminder of why I keep my relationship to myself because of gossips. Maybe once he's out things may become clearer or easier for you as at the moment I can only imagine it makes you feel like you're living a double life and it's harder for you. Sending love. I wish I had a magic wand so I could zap this away for you xx
Baffled I told my boss . It took two years to finally tell the whole story to work and it won't go any further than her , she was hugely supportive and felt like a relief to talk to a real life human about it all .I know you guys are human like but sitting in front of me . I nearly cried at her reaction.
Sal,
I'm also in a similar situation as you and I completely empathise with feelings of shame around choosing to stay in a relationship with an offender, when in the mind of society, walking away would be the far easier and more respectable choice. To quote Psychotherapist Esther Perel, "Choosing to stay, when you can leave, is the New Shame." (Her quote is in reference to infidelity, which I appreciate feels like nothing compared to what we're all going through, yet the essence of shame around voluntarily choosing to stay in a damaged relationship feels very similar.)
Like you, I'm not legally tied to my person as we're not married, we don't live together, nor have children, so walking away would not be logistically challenging, yet I am finding it incredibly difficult and conflicting to do so. If anything, I think this adds even further to the sense of shame around choosing to stay, as being married or having children almost provides a small justification, whereas when I'm not legally tied to him, having to justify staying feels even more shameful.
I am terrified of the judgement of friends and family if they all knew of the situation, and I do genuinely believe I would be judged highly from certain friends if they knew what he had done.
Like you, I confided in a close friend who was initially supportive and understanding, however since then, she has had a change of heart and is now seriously questioning a decision to stay in a relationship with him and has expressed she no longer wants to be associated with him or involved in the situation. It was incredibly painful to have a close friend turn their back on me, however it has made me question whether a life with him is worth risking anymore friendships.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as I'm also feeling very similar and let you know you're not alone in how you're feeling. x
I'm also in a similar situation as you and I completely empathise with feelings of shame around choosing to stay in a relationship with an offender, when in the mind of society, walking away would be the far easier and more respectable choice. To quote Psychotherapist Esther Perel, "Choosing to stay, when you can leave, is the New Shame." (Her quote is in reference to infidelity, which I appreciate feels like nothing compared to what we're all going through, yet the essence of shame around voluntarily choosing to stay in a damaged relationship feels very similar.)
Like you, I'm not legally tied to my person as we're not married, we don't live together, nor have children, so walking away would not be logistically challenging, yet I am finding it incredibly difficult and conflicting to do so. If anything, I think this adds even further to the sense of shame around choosing to stay, as being married or having children almost provides a small justification, whereas when I'm not legally tied to him, having to justify staying feels even more shameful.
I am terrified of the judgement of friends and family if they all knew of the situation, and I do genuinely believe I would be judged highly from certain friends if they knew what he had done.
Like you, I confided in a close friend who was initially supportive and understanding, however since then, she has had a change of heart and is now seriously questioning a decision to stay in a relationship with him and has expressed she no longer wants to be associated with him or involved in the situation. It was incredibly painful to have a close friend turn their back on me, however it has made me question whether a life with him is worth risking anymore friendships.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as I'm also feeling very similar and let you know you're not alone in how you're feeling. x
Sal I think I get where you are coming from, in some aspects of my life I am a very private person but superficially I am very open.
I if my partner is found guilty I know that I'm probably going to have to at best cover for him or at worse lie to explain why he/we can't participate in some activities and life events. I know I'll find it difficult. At the moment very few people know, only my adult children, a couple of trusted friends and my counsellor.
The counsellor is very helpful in terms of someone to unload to and won't be judgemental, but will challenge some of my thoughts and beliefs. If you haven't had regular counselling with a counsellor you can connect with then I would recommend this. It feels safe and confidential and has allows me to let my fears and feelings out and say things that feel unsayable to others.
My current feeling is that after the court case I'm still not going to speak to people or disclose anything about this, even if others find out. it's not my crime (if he's found guilty), I have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of. Although of course these days I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow or the next day or next week, let alone after the court case is over!
I if my partner is found guilty I know that I'm probably going to have to at best cover for him or at worse lie to explain why he/we can't participate in some activities and life events. I know I'll find it difficult. At the moment very few people know, only my adult children, a couple of trusted friends and my counsellor.
The counsellor is very helpful in terms of someone to unload to and won't be judgemental, but will challenge some of my thoughts and beliefs. If you haven't had regular counselling with a counsellor you can connect with then I would recommend this. It feels safe and confidential and has allows me to let my fears and feelings out and say things that feel unsayable to others.
My current feeling is that after the court case I'm still not going to speak to people or disclose anything about this, even if others find out. it's not my crime (if he's found guilty), I have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of. Although of course these days I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow or the next day or next week, let alone after the court case is over!
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SAL
I had to reply, you are an incredibly strong person, you are so open and honest and I get that from just your posts, your other half is so lucky to have you in his life when you could have walked away, But you see the person he is beyond the crime and that is the most important part
I have been open and honest about my son he is so much more than this its just heartbreaking that he could not see what we do and that's why he ended up in this situation, my heart goes out to his victims and talking to him he understands and has taken responsibility for what he has done
We feel shame because that is how society looks at these crimes, and until that changes we will carry the burden,
I am not ashamed, i wish it was different and i believe the more we talk about it maybe more people would understand, but believe in the person you are, xx
I had to reply, you are an incredibly strong person, you are so open and honest and I get that from just your posts, your other half is so lucky to have you in his life when you could have walked away, But you see the person he is beyond the crime and that is the most important part
I have been open and honest about my son he is so much more than this its just heartbreaking that he could not see what we do and that's why he ended up in this situation, my heart goes out to his victims and talking to him he understands and has taken responsibility for what he has done
We feel shame because that is how society looks at these crimes, and until that changes we will carry the burden,
I am not ashamed, i wish it was different and i believe the more we talk about it maybe more people would understand, but believe in the person you are, xx
Wise words from Upsetmum
Parkerpoo1, your approach is one I aspire to, we are not yet at that stage of the process.
We should refuse to allow ourselves as partners, mums, or family members to be denigrated, abused, belittled, patronised, shamed, harassed, threatened or otherwise simply due to the fact that we are or have been in a relationship with, or related to, an offender. Nor should we receive the same for supporting the rehabilitation of those relatives or partners or friends, if that is what we choose to do. It should never be assumed that we condone the behaviour. I can't understand why society treats it as though it is a contagion rather than bad behaviour. We should be able to hold out heads high and given the space to simply get on with our lives. We have the same rights as anyone else and deserve the same protections.
Parkerpoo1, your approach is one I aspire to, we are not yet at that stage of the process.
We should refuse to allow ourselves as partners, mums, or family members to be denigrated, abused, belittled, patronised, shamed, harassed, threatened or otherwise simply due to the fact that we are or have been in a relationship with, or related to, an offender. Nor should we receive the same for supporting the rehabilitation of those relatives or partners or friends, if that is what we choose to do. It should never be assumed that we condone the behaviour. I can't understand why society treats it as though it is a contagion rather than bad behaviour. We should be able to hold out heads high and given the space to simply get on with our lives. We have the same rights as anyone else and deserve the same protections.
Thank you for all your responses, sharing your feelings, thoughts and experiences.
Whilst our situations are different, we all feel such similar emotions and feeling. This forum is invaluable.
I wish I could give you all a hug.
The doctor increased my medication today and gave me a Fit for Work Note (I'm okay to be at work but might need adaptations, flexibility etc). I don't intend use it, but I feel better knowing its there (I've been very low recently and didn't think I'd make it to work in Monday. I did, but I have nothing left in me after work, especially if I've spent the day on client site) . I hate that this is me, but I'm determined to pick myself up.
Whilst our situations are different, we all feel such similar emotions and feeling. This forum is invaluable.
I wish I could give you all a hug.
The doctor increased my medication today and gave me a Fit for Work Note (I'm okay to be at work but might need adaptations, flexibility etc). I don't intend use it, but I feel better knowing its there (I've been very low recently and didn't think I'd make it to work in Monday. I did, but I have nothing left in me after work, especially if I've spent the day on client site) . I hate that this is me, but I'm determined to pick myself up.