Dealing with the autism
Notifications OFF
Sorry, I keep banging on but it's me again!
I cannot get my head round this. My son has autism. I think it was nicenanna who had said she's in a similar situation. He's high functioning and has a job but is pretty rubbish socially although he can manage at things such as a family party if it's just an evening.
What I'm massively struggling with is trying to get inside his head. What I'm getting from these forums is that a lot of you say your husband/partner/son doesn't always seem to get the seriousness or hideous nature of what they've done. How do I separate that from the autism? I have asked him how he feels and he says he's sorry for what he's putting us through but I'm not entirely sure he knows completely what that is. I'm certainly not sure and don't want to ask if he gets the full implications of what he's viewed. I understand it's possibly the highest category.
I find myself feeling really angry when he starts going on about the incompetence of the sales team at work or how people messed up his systems in the office while he was away the other week (a week he took off after the knock). I can't help feeling he's got no right to judge these people for something utterly trivial compared to what he's done.
And the more it sinks in and the deeper I realise he's in this hole the worse I feel towards him. I had to force myself to be civil and supportive when I saw him at the weekend. Thing is, work is all he has to talk about especially now all his computer stuff has been taken away. My disgust grows as I discovered this has been going on since he was 17. He's 24 now. My relationship with him has changed suddenly and dramatically. Walking by his side in town, I can't describe how I felt just because it's too complex. He's not the person I thought he was. I suddenly see him as a very flawed adult man instead of my boy and that is really tough.
The mother in me who loved and raised this child of mine still feels an urge to protect him. Another part of me is almost hoping he gets a prison sentence just so I can have a break while I decide my own long term plans. Because if he gets a suspended sentence, he will still lose his job and his home. I can't have him living with me here. I have two young families either side of me and respect my neighbours too much to put them in that position. I want time to decide if I'm prepared to move. I'm certainly not sure I want to accommodate him. Apart from what he's done, my husband and I value our space and our privacy since youngest left home only a month ago. I'm so annoyed I could be in a position where I have to give that up. Then I feel really horrible for wishing prison on him where God only knows how he'd cope. Yet I also feel it's what he deserves.
My husband is also on the autism spectrum. He and I are being very supportive of each other. He's only gone back to work today 2 weeks on from the knock and he works away. We're busy worrying about each other! But he hasn't been able to bring himself to even speak to our son. I'm not persuading him to do anything he's not comfortable with. It's my choice at the moment to be there for our son. I've said that however either of us feel at any given time, our feelings are equally valid even if we're not in the same place emotionally.
I was stood next to son in the bank and in between prompting him to give the teller the right information and to speak clearly, I was watching the world go by outside. Families walked past with young children, all innocence and happiness. All I could think was how, how, how can anyone think of or want to see those beautiful little ones in any other way.
As therapy, I'm decorating the hell out of my house. At the end of this all, I'll end up with a nice house or at least one that I can put straight on the market if I have to!
I cannot get my head round this. My son has autism. I think it was nicenanna who had said she's in a similar situation. He's high functioning and has a job but is pretty rubbish socially although he can manage at things such as a family party if it's just an evening.
What I'm massively struggling with is trying to get inside his head. What I'm getting from these forums is that a lot of you say your husband/partner/son doesn't always seem to get the seriousness or hideous nature of what they've done. How do I separate that from the autism? I have asked him how he feels and he says he's sorry for what he's putting us through but I'm not entirely sure he knows completely what that is. I'm certainly not sure and don't want to ask if he gets the full implications of what he's viewed. I understand it's possibly the highest category.
I find myself feeling really angry when he starts going on about the incompetence of the sales team at work or how people messed up his systems in the office while he was away the other week (a week he took off after the knock). I can't help feeling he's got no right to judge these people for something utterly trivial compared to what he's done.
And the more it sinks in and the deeper I realise he's in this hole the worse I feel towards him. I had to force myself to be civil and supportive when I saw him at the weekend. Thing is, work is all he has to talk about especially now all his computer stuff has been taken away. My disgust grows as I discovered this has been going on since he was 17. He's 24 now. My relationship with him has changed suddenly and dramatically. Walking by his side in town, I can't describe how I felt just because it's too complex. He's not the person I thought he was. I suddenly see him as a very flawed adult man instead of my boy and that is really tough.
The mother in me who loved and raised this child of mine still feels an urge to protect him. Another part of me is almost hoping he gets a prison sentence just so I can have a break while I decide my own long term plans. Because if he gets a suspended sentence, he will still lose his job and his home. I can't have him living with me here. I have two young families either side of me and respect my neighbours too much to put them in that position. I want time to decide if I'm prepared to move. I'm certainly not sure I want to accommodate him. Apart from what he's done, my husband and I value our space and our privacy since youngest left home only a month ago. I'm so annoyed I could be in a position where I have to give that up. Then I feel really horrible for wishing prison on him where God only knows how he'd cope. Yet I also feel it's what he deserves.
My husband is also on the autism spectrum. He and I are being very supportive of each other. He's only gone back to work today 2 weeks on from the knock and he works away. We're busy worrying about each other! But he hasn't been able to bring himself to even speak to our son. I'm not persuading him to do anything he's not comfortable with. It's my choice at the moment to be there for our son. I've said that however either of us feel at any given time, our feelings are equally valid even if we're not in the same place emotionally.
I was stood next to son in the bank and in between prompting him to give the teller the right information and to speak clearly, I was watching the world go by outside. Families walked past with young children, all innocence and happiness. All I could think was how, how, how can anyone think of or want to see those beautiful little ones in any other way.
As therapy, I'm decorating the hell out of my house. At the end of this all, I'll end up with a nice house or at least one that I can put straight on the market if I have to!
I also have to be a little careful on how I deal with him because being open and honest about how I actually feel may be more than he knows how to deal with. So please don't suggest that option. It's a minefield with autism.
Your poor people, I can't even begin to understand how your get your head around this is it's your son, that's much more difficult because I don't think it's as clear cut as if it's your partner/husband.
I was 'lucky' as I could very quickly make the decision to split but had it been my son I don't know how I'd have handled it.
Has your son got a social worker? Do the police have anyone that deals with the autism side? I've worked with adults with autism for 25 years and would never make suggestions to you, everyone is different and you would know best how to deal with your soon and the situation.
Please try and take care of yourself and your husband, that's not being selfish that's being sensible.
Take care xx
I was 'lucky' as I could very quickly make the decision to split but had it been my son I don't know how I'd have handled it.
Has your son got a social worker? Do the police have anyone that deals with the autism side? I've worked with adults with autism for 25 years and would never make suggestions to you, everyone is different and you would know best how to deal with your soon and the situation.
Please try and take care of yourself and your husband, that's not being selfish that's being sensible.
Take care xx
Hi Mandy
i do have a son who has offended but he’s not autistic. My son did not view child abuse images though. He communicated with a 14/15 year old and had images of her that she had sent. They were classed as indecent images. The press, of course did not tell the world that. They just printed indecent images which automatically makes people think it’s child abuse images.
I have been through every emotion that you have. Every woman or man on this forum has. It’s the hardest thing to ever happen to me and will be for most of us on here. I’d advise you take your time to think about everything and what you yourself want. You have to decide whether you can stand by your son regardless of the mistake he has made. As a mother you will have a good idea as to whether your son has made a stupid mistake or he has issues that led him to do what he’s done. Once you work that out you will have a better idea of whether you our want to stand by him or whether you want to support him and get the help with any problems he had that led him to do what he has done.
In our case we accepted what our son told us as true because he was very open and honest with us. We decided as a family to stand by him but he’s well aware we would not stand by him a second time.
We moved away before it hit the papers as we felt it would be to much to cope with to stay. Our son is still in prison but will live with us to begin with when he comes home. We have decided to stick it out in our new location whether it gets out when he comes out or not because if not we would possibly be moving every five minutes.
I can see your point about having him live there with you if you have young children either side of you. We have a similar issue right now because we have a toddler on one side of us. We have decided to move to another house in our town before he comes home but that presents more issues. What if a family with children move in after we move in? It’s a complete nightmare.
That all said, it does get easier over time. You have to make sure you take time out from it otherwise your mind is in turmoil 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I know this because I was two whiskers away from having a full nervous breakdown in the first six months after it happened.
I would really like to hear from anyone who has stayed put after it’s been in the paper and everyone knows about it. Hs it worked out? How have people reacted? Does it settle down or do people never forget it?
Chin up Mandy. Please make time for yourself x
i do have a son who has offended but he’s not autistic. My son did not view child abuse images though. He communicated with a 14/15 year old and had images of her that she had sent. They were classed as indecent images. The press, of course did not tell the world that. They just printed indecent images which automatically makes people think it’s child abuse images.
I have been through every emotion that you have. Every woman or man on this forum has. It’s the hardest thing to ever happen to me and will be for most of us on here. I’d advise you take your time to think about everything and what you yourself want. You have to decide whether you can stand by your son regardless of the mistake he has made. As a mother you will have a good idea as to whether your son has made a stupid mistake or he has issues that led him to do what he’s done. Once you work that out you will have a better idea of whether you our want to stand by him or whether you want to support him and get the help with any problems he had that led him to do what he has done.
In our case we accepted what our son told us as true because he was very open and honest with us. We decided as a family to stand by him but he’s well aware we would not stand by him a second time.
We moved away before it hit the papers as we felt it would be to much to cope with to stay. Our son is still in prison but will live with us to begin with when he comes home. We have decided to stick it out in our new location whether it gets out when he comes out or not because if not we would possibly be moving every five minutes.
I can see your point about having him live there with you if you have young children either side of you. We have a similar issue right now because we have a toddler on one side of us. We have decided to move to another house in our town before he comes home but that presents more issues. What if a family with children move in after we move in? It’s a complete nightmare.
That all said, it does get easier over time. You have to make sure you take time out from it otherwise your mind is in turmoil 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I know this because I was two whiskers away from having a full nervous breakdown in the first six months after it happened.
I would really like to hear from anyone who has stayed put after it’s been in the paper and everyone knows about it. Hs it worked out? How have people reacted? Does it settle down or do people never forget it?
Chin up Mandy. Please make time for yourself x
Well said Tracey. It’s nowhere near clear cut when it’s your son. It must be the hardest thing ever to have to abandon your own child. We did not abandon ours for the above reasons but for the parents who have to do so for whatever reasons it must be heartbreaking. I think a parents life would be ruined forever if the crime was so bad that they had to walk away. I thank god every day our son commited a communication offence otherwise I could well have been in the biggest dilemma of my life.
I'm in the same place. My son who lives alone got the knock in February. He has autism and was once diagnosed with aspergers as a child. He is in his 30s now. I was trying to be practical and get life sorted before we are forced to. At the moment I don't think that I will have to move but it's having a huge impact on my partner who is not my son's father. I'm just lost at the moment. The point about not being able to speak about what has happened resonates with me. He just won't speak although I have tried in a gentle way but to no avail. I'm just full of fear for the future and I'd think I'm grieving too. Someone was talking about baby scans at work and honestly my heart was broken. How did it all go so wrong. My son just says he is going to kill himself if he gets charged. How on earth do we get through this. I love him and I don't know what he's done yet but I'm pretty certain it will be images. How will I feel then. I'm going to have to stand by him as he has no one else but it's going to be a hard journey.
Hi nicenana,
I have stayed in the same house as I'm renting and on housing benefit, have a dog and 2 cats, so I have no chance of renting again, nobody rents to people on benefits. Anyway it hit the paper and Facebook on about the 27th May, I can't see all the comments on Facebook, but I can see is positive towards me, but like I said I don't know about everyone else. I'm back to work today as a lollipop lady this morning, so scared, don't know what reaction I will get, my other 2 jobs are with children too and people know that. I've warned the headteacher that it's in the paper, so she's prepared for parents calling about me. She told me just to hold my head up high as I have done nothing wrong.
My parents have had to deal with their neighbour coming round with a news paper asking about it, my mum phoned me crying, I felt so sorry for her having to deal with this, they are both elderly.
I'll let you know how today goes.
Hope you all have a peaceful day. Xx
I have stayed in the same house as I'm renting and on housing benefit, have a dog and 2 cats, so I have no chance of renting again, nobody rents to people on benefits. Anyway it hit the paper and Facebook on about the 27th May, I can't see all the comments on Facebook, but I can see is positive towards me, but like I said I don't know about everyone else. I'm back to work today as a lollipop lady this morning, so scared, don't know what reaction I will get, my other 2 jobs are with children too and people know that. I've warned the headteacher that it's in the paper, so she's prepared for parents calling about me. She told me just to hold my head up high as I have done nothing wrong.
My parents have had to deal with their neighbour coming round with a news paper asking about it, my mum phoned me crying, I felt so sorry for her having to deal with this, they are both elderly.
I'll let you know how today goes.
Hope you all have a peaceful day. Xx
Good luck at work. And thank you all for your kind comments. When I have no-one else to talk to, it's good to know you're still here. Poor husband had a minor meltdown at work yesterday when son asked what he wanted for father's day. Luckily no-one was in the office at the time but he was very upset. This is the thing with the autism in my son. Everything is so black and white with him with no in between. But that also leaves me thinking he knew this was so wrong so how did it come to this. Husband and I in constant contact while he's away so we can support each other. He broke down in floods at the weekend apologising for his bloody genes for goodness sake. As there's a high level of autism on my side of the family too it's a no brainer. But he was also upset going on about all he'd put me through in the past. He had an affair years ago when son was only a year old. Lots of reasons but I decided I wanted my marriage and we worked through it and came through it stronger than ever. I love him so much and it's killing me seeing his pain. And at the moment he hates our son for the pain he's put me through - physical as well as mental as I have various health conditions affected by stress.
Hi Cher
Thank you so much for the reply.
I understand what you say about your mum. People tend to think they have the right to do that to family members who have done nothing whatsoever wrong. Our sons case went in the paper. It did Facebook but only on a small ish scale. Like you, I never read the comments. I’m lucky in the respect that I never used Facebook before this and wouldn’t now either. My adult daughter had Facebook before this started a year ago but she closed it down the day before the court date because we were told that it would definitely hit the papers. She has only just recently re started her Facebook. So far she’s had no comments thank hod.
cher, can I ask if the offender still lives with you? I’m hoping if it comes out here when he comes home that it will all die down quickly. It’s very scary to deal with because I’ve read a lady’s story on here about her house being targeted even though her young children were in the house. Thankfully we have no young children at home. That does not stop us still being afraid for our s, our sons and daughters future though x
Thank you so much for the reply.
I understand what you say about your mum. People tend to think they have the right to do that to family members who have done nothing whatsoever wrong. Our sons case went in the paper. It did Facebook but only on a small ish scale. Like you, I never read the comments. I’m lucky in the respect that I never used Facebook before this and wouldn’t now either. My adult daughter had Facebook before this started a year ago but she closed it down the day before the court date because we were told that it would definitely hit the papers. She has only just recently re started her Facebook. So far she’s had no comments thank hod.
cher, can I ask if the offender still lives with you? I’m hoping if it comes out here when he comes home that it will all die down quickly. It’s very scary to deal with because I’ve read a lady’s story on here about her house being targeted even though her young children were in the house. Thankfully we have no young children at home. That does not stop us still being afraid for our s, our sons and daughters future though x
Nicenana
My ex moved out after the knock on 4/10/17 and I managed to get a quick divorce when I wrote to the family court and told them what he done. I was divorced within 4 months. He was coming to my house on s Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half to see his daughter, but now it's out there he's not allowed near my house, do he sees his daughter for a couple of hours at the weekend supervised by his parents, so I don't ever have to see him again which suits me.
Xx
My ex moved out after the knock on 4/10/17 and I managed to get a quick divorce when I wrote to the family court and told them what he done. I was divorced within 4 months. He was coming to my house on s Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half to see his daughter, but now it's out there he's not allowed near my house, do he sees his daughter for a couple of hours at the weekend supervised by his parents, so I don't ever have to see him again which suits me.
Xx