Strength
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Through every challenging life event I've ever experienced I've kept going, on reflection I'm unsure how. At times things have felt so incredibly dark and overwhelming not being here has seemed like a better option, but I've kept going. I will continue to keep going. This journey and the emotions it continues to awaken is so incredibly tiring & lonely. At times I question wether our 'people' actually comprehend how hard it is for us. My husband met with probation today to start the process of his sentencing plan whilst in prison. I know how important this was for him as it starts the process of looking forwards. He was chatty and positive. I was preoccupied with the aftermath of collecting our property and the trauma this reignited in me from the day of the knock. I was preoccupied with the fact that I found the app KIK on one of his phones when I charged it up. I was preoccupied with the fact that I've put everything in a box as emotionally I genuinely can't face it. I've been preoccupied for days but today was the day it came out of my mouth. It came out as WTF!! KIK!! Really!! My tears were met with silence. I know he's remorseful, I know he wishes he could change the past, I know he's working in himself. I know he wishes he was here to hug me and dry my tears.
I feel guilty for making him feel shit. I've realised this is something I always do with everyone. I put myself and my feelings aside to avoid confrontation or difficult discussions and if they do emerge they do so as an uncontrolled torrent. I have no idea why I'm ranting here or what I'm looking for but here I am x
I feel guilty for making him feel shit. I've realised this is something I always do with everyone. I put myself and my feelings aside to avoid confrontation or difficult discussions and if they do emerge they do so as an uncontrolled torrent. I have no idea why I'm ranting here or what I'm looking for but here I am x
Life
This is such an incredibly hard journey, while the news is positive for your partner it's a step towards a new future, but we are the ones dealing with the aftermath of it all x
I like you have thought it would be better if I wasn't here but I am as you we keep going, x
Not much advise really but just wanted to let you know you are not alone, you are an incredibly strong person, even at times when you don't want to be xx huge hugs sent xx
This is such an incredibly hard journey, while the news is positive for your partner it's a step towards a new future, but we are the ones dealing with the aftermath of it all x
I like you have thought it would be better if I wasn't here but I am as you we keep going, x
Not much advise really but just wanted to let you know you are not alone, you are an incredibly strong person, even at times when you don't want to be xx huge hugs sent xx
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Life feels over
It's so difficult isn't it because what they have done has caused so much pain and adverse impacts to their families as it does to themselves, although I don't think in many or even most cases they appreciated what they were risking, and the impact on people other than themselves, while they were doing whatever they were doing. So on the one hand our anger is perfectly understandable - what the hell was he thinking? How could he? But on the other hand, I don't think they realised the full and devasting impact of their actions on their partners, children, families careers, hobbies, holidays, financial circumstances, social lives and personal relationships, not just in the short term but also the long term, possibly the rest of their lives. Maybe if they had realised, they might have stopped what they were doing or maybe never started in the first place. And on top of the crime, what they have been doing feels like a betrayal to loved ones.
At the end of the day, partners and family members feel how they feel, and it's not good to bottle those feelings up. But being angry with the person does not necessarily mean that the partner or family member cannot, at the same time, care about the person. I'm finding that feelings are complicated things.
It's so difficult isn't it because what they have done has caused so much pain and adverse impacts to their families as it does to themselves, although I don't think in many or even most cases they appreciated what they were risking, and the impact on people other than themselves, while they were doing whatever they were doing. So on the one hand our anger is perfectly understandable - what the hell was he thinking? How could he? But on the other hand, I don't think they realised the full and devasting impact of their actions on their partners, children, families careers, hobbies, holidays, financial circumstances, social lives and personal relationships, not just in the short term but also the long term, possibly the rest of their lives. Maybe if they had realised, they might have stopped what they were doing or maybe never started in the first place. And on top of the crime, what they have been doing feels like a betrayal to loved ones.
At the end of the day, partners and family members feel how they feel, and it's not good to bottle those feelings up. But being angry with the person does not necessarily mean that the partner or family member cannot, at the same time, care about the person. I'm finding that feelings are complicated things.
I often feel my son in prison gets the easier deal and (I'm sure) doesn't appreciate how hard it is for us on the outside to deal with the impact of what he did.
We have to suffer our various hardships - yet carry on, the bills don't come to a halt- we still have to carry on working etc, the children have to be cared for when perhaps household incomes have declined.
I totally understand the frustrations. I avoid airing these thoughts to my son, as I don't want to upset him, but it doesn't mean these thoughts don't exist.......
We have to suffer our various hardships - yet carry on, the bills don't come to a halt- we still have to carry on working etc, the children have to be cared for when perhaps household incomes have declined.
I totally understand the frustrations. I avoid airing these thoughts to my son, as I don't want to upset him, but it doesn't mean these thoughts don't exist.......
Life feels over,
Don't be too hard on yourself. This journey is so difficult, so your reaction is very normal and valid. I think it's quite common to bottle up your emotions and then they're unleashed in a torrent. It's completely understandable, but just remember that actually what is really underneath all that anger is just pain and it needs to come to the surface every now and again.
It's also understandable to feel a lot of anger towards those who have put us in this situation, and want them to know and understand the full extent of how much you've suffered as a result of it. I know I certainly do on some days. Whilst it doesn't make me feel better seeing my partner feel guilty, I do want him to know how much pain he has caused so he can take accountability.
I just wanted to say you're not alone in how you're feeling and it's understandable and valid.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You've made it this far, you're so strong. Keep going x
Don't be too hard on yourself. This journey is so difficult, so your reaction is very normal and valid. I think it's quite common to bottle up your emotions and then they're unleashed in a torrent. It's completely understandable, but just remember that actually what is really underneath all that anger is just pain and it needs to come to the surface every now and again.
It's also understandable to feel a lot of anger towards those who have put us in this situation, and want them to know and understand the full extent of how much you've suffered as a result of it. I know I certainly do on some days. Whilst it doesn't make me feel better seeing my partner feel guilty, I do want him to know how much pain he has caused so he can take accountability.
I just wanted to say you're not alone in how you're feeling and it's understandable and valid.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You've made it this far, you're so strong. Keep going x
Your feeling and reaction are completely justified. I often this situation comes with such shock and so much to process, the feeling of anger is neglected (and I think most of us have a right to feel angry). I certainly couldn't engage with the anger element between finding out in sentencing, but it did come out once he was in prision. I felt terrible that my anger was "causing" him suffering but I also think I knew deep down I needed it to be able to move past it.
Its great he has a sentencing plan already. My partner met with his Prison Probation Office to discuss his sentencing plan a couple of weeks ago (12 months into his sentence with 8 remaining). It was the same meeting they started to also discuss handing over to the Community Probation Office. For him the sentencing plan was basically - Don't be an idiot. Nothing more substantially. It all a joke, makes me so angry.
Its great he has a sentencing plan already. My partner met with his Prison Probation Office to discuss his sentencing plan a couple of weeks ago (12 months into his sentence with 8 remaining). It was the same meeting they started to also discuss handing over to the Community Probation Office. For him the sentencing plan was basically - Don't be an idiot. Nothing more substantially. It all a joke, makes me so angry.
Sal - I feel angry my son has sat in prison for SO long and hasn't been seen by anyone official to discuss his time in prison yet alone any 'plan'......
I wish he was a bit more proactive in these matters to be honest. He's SO laid back, I get frustrated with him at times......
I wish he was a bit more proactive in these matters to be honest. He's SO laid back, I get frustrated with him at times......
I am really struggling with my emotions this time (2nd time here) I am SO angry with my son and feel it really doesn't affect him the way it does me, he's safely ensconsed in prison, the only thing he's really lost is his freedom, he has no responsiblities, he doesn't have to contend with the press stories, people finding out, no bills to pay, no home to lose. he got through it last time and I supported him, this is why I feel I've almost given him the right to put me through this again. I will always be there for him, when he's not here I just want him back, but when he calls I can barely speak to him. The conflict between pain and anger is tearing me apart.