Grieving the loss
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My Brother was convicted of possessing thousands of Cat A images, a paedophile manual and some of the images were graphically described in court and it was horrendous. He was sentanced to 4 years and through his choice he served the full 4 years. He was released end of 2022.
He done the reoffending programs but sexual preferences can't be "cured" they are just to help you choose not to act on them.
I tried for 3 year's to support him, to build a sibling relationship again but I just couldn't for many reasons. For the last 16 months I've walked away, I have no longer supported him.
It's a strange thing, grief, I'm grieving for someone that's still alive. I'm grieving the loss of my brother, the person I thought he was. The funny, annoying little brother died to me, the day he was arrested and in his place is a monster.
I feel guilty for walking away, I felt guilty supporting him, I am ashamed of him, I hate him with a deep passion... I still love the memory of who I thought was my brother.
Grief.
He done the reoffending programs but sexual preferences can't be "cured" they are just to help you choose not to act on them.
I tried for 3 year's to support him, to build a sibling relationship again but I just couldn't for many reasons. For the last 16 months I've walked away, I have no longer supported him.
It's a strange thing, grief, I'm grieving for someone that's still alive. I'm grieving the loss of my brother, the person I thought he was. The funny, annoying little brother died to me, the day he was arrested and in his place is a monster.
I feel guilty for walking away, I felt guilty supporting him, I am ashamed of him, I hate him with a deep passion... I still love the memory of who I thought was my brother.
Grief.
Bless - your post resignates. It's extremely hard - my sons crime was within the family - it leaves you with mountains to climb.
I can tell how honest you are to yourself and how I admire you trying so hard to claw back your relationship with your brother, you gave it your best shot.
The sense of 'loss' is massive. I grieve my whole past to be honest. Our family have scraped together a new life, it's not perfect by far and no where near what it was.
As I miss the son I had you miss your brother but as we've said many times on here, never condoning the crime but it is a ''part' of their being. My son is still the funny, kind, loving caring man he was before - that's why I go through hell to stick by him. I'm not sure what the future holds for our relationship..... what will be will be.....
But once again. You are brilliant to have tried to rekindle a relationship with your brother and please try not to torture yourself. Hug sent x
I can tell how honest you are to yourself and how I admire you trying so hard to claw back your relationship with your brother, you gave it your best shot.
The sense of 'loss' is massive. I grieve my whole past to be honest. Our family have scraped together a new life, it's not perfect by far and no where near what it was.
As I miss the son I had you miss your brother but as we've said many times on here, never condoning the crime but it is a ''part' of their being. My son is still the funny, kind, loving caring man he was before - that's why I go through hell to stick by him. I'm not sure what the future holds for our relationship..... what will be will be.....
But once again. You are brilliant to have tried to rekindle a relationship with your brother and please try not to torture yourself. Hug sent x
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Grief can appear in many forms and often catches us off guard. Have you had any therapy? Love and strength to you xx
This is so hard to read. My heart breaks for you. I can tell from every word you have written that you have done your very best for your brother. That you tried to maintain some relationship speaks of the love you once had for him
The fact you are here after all these years speaks of how it still haunts you.
As others have said,maybe therapy for yourself would be beneficial.
Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. Xx
The fact you are here after all these years speaks of how it still haunts you.
As others have said,maybe therapy for yourself would be beneficial.
Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. Xx
There definitely are lots of different types of losses in this game, loss of a relationship, loss of anticipated future, loss of job, loss of friends, loss of a home, loss of relationships withfamily members, loss of feeling safe or secure in your community, loss of income, loss of freedom, loss of privacy, loss of ability to participate in social events, loss of what people consider to be a normal family life, loss of living without fear of being exposed... The list goes on
Not all will apply to everyone, but all that apply will be grieved for.
I accept that in life we will always have losses, some that hit harder than others, but this one... After the knock, which is like an emotional earthquake in your life, there is often one aftershock after another, an emotional pile on where you don't have time to recover from the first before getting hit by the next, and the next, and the next...
I have a mental picture of someone being knocked to the ground, keep trying to get up and getting kicked, again, and again, and again.
It's not right, it's cruel, it shouldn't happen in a civilised country and yet it happens to family and friends of offenders all the time and it's perpetrated by the authorities (police, probation, courts, social services), the media, our employers, people in the community and even our families and those who are supposed to be our friends and have our backs, and none of them seem to recognise it for what it is or want to do anything to stop it.
Not all will apply to everyone, but all that apply will be grieved for.
I accept that in life we will always have losses, some that hit harder than others, but this one... After the knock, which is like an emotional earthquake in your life, there is often one aftershock after another, an emotional pile on where you don't have time to recover from the first before getting hit by the next, and the next, and the next...
I have a mental picture of someone being knocked to the ground, keep trying to get up and getting kicked, again, and again, and again.
It's not right, it's cruel, it shouldn't happen in a civilised country and yet it happens to family and friends of offenders all the time and it's perpetrated by the authorities (police, probation, courts, social services), the media, our employers, people in the community and even our families and those who are supposed to be our friends and have our backs, and none of them seem to recognise it for what it is or want to do anything to stop it.
The Sister
I'm so sorry to read your post and you have clearly done all you can to try to rebuild your relationship with your brother x
Grief comes in all forms
Have you had any therapy to deal with how this has impacted you? xx
I'm so sorry to read your post and you have clearly done all you can to try to rebuild your relationship with your brother x
Grief comes in all forms
Have you had any therapy to deal with how this has impacted you? xx
Bitterbean,
What an excellent way to describe it. You've truly captured how I feel at times xxx
What an excellent way to describe it. You've truly captured how I feel at times xxx
Yes well said Bitterbean.......
Hahaha I just read my post back and that first paragraph sounds like the start of Trainspotting!
For those oldies amongst us, it should finish: "I chose not to choose the Knock, I chose something else!"
For those oldies amongst us, it should finish: "I chose not to choose the Knock, I chose something else!"
Hi The Sister,
Your post really got to me. I'm in a very similar situation to you. It's been just over 2 years since my brother was convicted, he served 1 year in prison. However I have not seen or spoken to him since I found out. I've had many a down day and even broken down at times.
The part where you mentioned your brother had died and been replaced by a monster feels so true. I miss the brother I used to have but he is no longer the same person, and it definitely feels a lot like grief.
My brother is back living with my parents and it feels as though they've forgotton the whole thing and moved on, although they may just be in denial as some sort of defence mechanism?
A small part of me wants to speak to him just to get answers, but at the same time I know I won't want to hear it.
It's so hard to know what to do in this situation, but we are not alone!
Wish you all the best xx
Your post really got to me. I'm in a very similar situation to you. It's been just over 2 years since my brother was convicted, he served 1 year in prison. However I have not seen or spoken to him since I found out. I've had many a down day and even broken down at times.
The part where you mentioned your brother had died and been replaced by a monster feels so true. I miss the brother I used to have but he is no longer the same person, and it definitely feels a lot like grief.
My brother is back living with my parents and it feels as though they've forgotton the whole thing and moved on, although they may just be in denial as some sort of defence mechanism?
A small part of me wants to speak to him just to get answers, but at the same time I know I won't want to hear it.
It's so hard to know what to do in this situation, but we are not alone!
Wish you all the best xx
The Sister, I'm so sorry to hear your story but I totally understand your feelings. In my case it's my son, he got a community order, but the damage to our family has been immense and I hate him. You're not supposed to hate your child and the grief I feel at 'losing' him is huge; I can't bear to look at old photos or to revisit memories of his childhood. He lives with us so on the surface our relationship is fairly normal; I have to do this for the rest of the family, but if it was just me I would never see him again.
I feel people expect me to hate my son esp as his crime was within our family. My life would have been so much easier if I had walked away.