How Do I Cope With the Hatred I Feel
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My husband was sentenced to 45 months (and has to do half of that) for "intending" to meet a woman and her two children to do sex acts. She was an undercover policewoman with fictional "children". Even though he never followed through with it (and claims he never would have) the feelings of anger, rage, hatred, etc are eating me up!! I can't sleep at night and I am dreading visiting him. I'm also scared as I have never been in a prison before and don't know how it all works. He has had an addiction to porn/chat rooms for many years, but was always in complete denial to it (as well as being severely autistic). Any advice on how to get through this nightmare please?
Hi Rinky
i am so sorry you are going through this, this must be so hard. I totally feel for you as I may be in the same position, I just don't know, my partner was arrested on facilitating a child sex offence / god only knows what was discussed, all he has admitted is that he was talking to a woman. Let's get real, the police wouldn't put him on bail if he wasn't sexually talking about children.
it's normal to feel so angry, we weeent allowed to talk but I called him and shouted/cried down the phone as I was so angry.
I don't have any advice apart from this is normal xx
i am so sorry you are going through this, this must be so hard. I totally feel for you as I may be in the same position, I just don't know, my partner was arrested on facilitating a child sex offence / god only knows what was discussed, all he has admitted is that he was talking to a woman. Let's get real, the police wouldn't put him on bail if he wasn't sexually talking about children.
it's normal to feel so angry, we weeent allowed to talk but I called him and shouted/cried down the phone as I was so angry.
I don't have any advice apart from this is normal xx
I'm sorry to hear that you are in this position. My partner was sentenced to a jail term for a similar charge as a result of talking to an adult decoy about a child.
I've no advise on the hatred or anger but I might be able to offer some reassurance on the prison visit. Whilst I found the whole experience nerve wracking it was on the whole less intimidating than I thought it would be. On the Gov website you should be able to find out what charity runs the visitors centre and a bit more information about what to expect and possibly a telephone or email address if there are specific questions you have. You'll need ID for your first visit and dress conservatively (no shoulders, legs or toes on show).
The visits do get easier with time. Any other questions please ask.
I've no advise on the hatred or anger but I might be able to offer some reassurance on the prison visit. Whilst I found the whole experience nerve wracking it was on the whole less intimidating than I thought it would be. On the Gov website you should be able to find out what charity runs the visitors centre and a bit more information about what to expect and possibly a telephone or email address if there are specific questions you have. You'll need ID for your first visit and dress conservatively (no shoulders, legs or toes on show).
The visits do get easier with time. Any other questions please ask.
Oh my gosh the rage! My person is a third of the way through his prison sentence.
I took the view that the anger/fury/rage is good and healthy. My person's selfish, disgusting and irresponsible choices have smashed a wrecking ball through everything we had worked so hard for - and all just for a nasty online thrill (of course there's much more context than this, but I'm summarising!).
Try to let your anger work its course. It will pass. All things do. I feel it's an essential part of the process of dealing with the shock and grief we face.
I have found it helpful (nothing really 'helps' but you know what I mean!) to write down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me - seems to help stop them churning round in my head a bit. So far I've typed up 20+ pages - and there will be more to come. I fully intend to sit down with him one day and work through with him. This one man has created such badness, trauma and upheaval for so many people in so many ways. I am suffering every second of his sentence - and I have DONE NOTHING WRONG. That unfairness is a source of great anger for me.
I am also suffering enormous burning rage due to the fact that police officers are paid to engage in online correspondence and participate in creating an awful but fictional situation which leads to a crime being committed. Without that interaction, in all probability the majority of these 'virtual' offences would never take place. The police are allowed to use this method in England, but not in Scotland.
There are alternatives to an in-person visit - the Prison Video app is good and we have a video call each week. I am very resentful about using what tiny amount of free time I have to travel to visit, so I've only visited in person a couple of times so far.
I took the view that the anger/fury/rage is good and healthy. My person's selfish, disgusting and irresponsible choices have smashed a wrecking ball through everything we had worked so hard for - and all just for a nasty online thrill (of course there's much more context than this, but I'm summarising!).
Try to let your anger work its course. It will pass. All things do. I feel it's an essential part of the process of dealing with the shock and grief we face.
I have found it helpful (nothing really 'helps' but you know what I mean!) to write down my thoughts and feelings as they come to me - seems to help stop them churning round in my head a bit. So far I've typed up 20+ pages - and there will be more to come. I fully intend to sit down with him one day and work through with him. This one man has created such badness, trauma and upheaval for so many people in so many ways. I am suffering every second of his sentence - and I have DONE NOTHING WRONG. That unfairness is a source of great anger for me.
I am also suffering enormous burning rage due to the fact that police officers are paid to engage in online correspondence and participate in creating an awful but fictional situation which leads to a crime being committed. Without that interaction, in all probability the majority of these 'virtual' offences would never take place. The police are allowed to use this method in England, but not in Scotland.
There are alternatives to an in-person visit - the Prison Video app is good and we have a video call each week. I am very resentful about using what tiny amount of free time I have to travel to visit, so I've only visited in person a couple of times so far.
InTatters
Could you explain what you mean, about the police not being able to do this in Scotland plse?
What is it they cannot do?
Could you explain what you mean, about the police not being able to do this in Scotland plse?
What is it they cannot do?
I understand that entrapment is not allowed in Scotland, therefore decoys couldn't be used.
I echo InTatters frustration that the majority of these communications cases are either as a result of decoy or vigilantes. With seemingly very few people also being found to have anything else incriminating. When I hear of friends with teenager children being approaches online, I can see the logic in the approach, but I wonder if in reality it is actually effective at catching those that are a real danger to children.
I echo InTatters frustration that the majority of these communications cases are either as a result of decoy or vigilantes. With seemingly very few people also being found to have anything else incriminating. When I hear of friends with teenager children being approaches online, I can see the logic in the approach, but I wonder if in reality it is actually effective at catching those that are a real danger to children.
'In Tatters' worded the anger situation perfectly- how we work our way through it etc.
I wish my husband would let go of his anger towards our son (which I can understand) as we've been through hell. He has said many times how much he hates him......
I think it must be extremely difficult when your partner/husband have committed these crimes, I often wonder if I'd be so understanding! It must feel an horrendous betrayal...... you are a brave group of ladies for sure.
I wish my husband would let go of his anger towards our son (which I can understand) as we've been through hell. He has said many times how much he hates him......
I think it must be extremely difficult when your partner/husband have committed these crimes, I often wonder if I'd be so understanding! It must feel an horrendous betrayal...... you are a brave group of ladies for sure.
Similar situation here too. He didn't go looking but was stupidly 'lead' down a path he should have run a mile from. No images or videos and all devices clear. He was sentenced to 32 months. I echo the thoughts on this kind of practice being allowed and it angers me.
Every feeling you experience through this journey is valid, whatever that may be. The feelings do settle but it is exhausting and the impact on those on the outside is underestimated (often by our partners). The prison visits are daunting at first but you are surrounded by many many people all going through the same experience. I've met some lovely people in the visitors waiting area. It's a new temporary normal.
Our daughter is Autistic and unable to cope with physical visits so she is using the video calls. I visit in person once a month. We both use prisoner email and phone calls. We have 12 months to go.
Ride the feelings, they are natural and will pass. You are not alone, you've got this and we've got you x
Every feeling you experience through this journey is valid, whatever that may be. The feelings do settle but it is exhausting and the impact on those on the outside is underestimated (often by our partners). The prison visits are daunting at first but you are surrounded by many many people all going through the same experience. I've met some lovely people in the visitors waiting area. It's a new temporary normal.
Our daughter is Autistic and unable to cope with physical visits so she is using the video calls. I visit in person once a month. We both use prisoner email and phone calls. We have 12 months to go.
Ride the feelings, they are natural and will pass. You are not alone, you've got this and we've got you x
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Sorry to be pedantic, but entrapment is not allowed in either England or Scotland, and the police can use decoys in Scotland, as well as in England. If the court thinks that entrapment has taken place, they can stop the proceedings, in either England or Scotland, or they can allow an appeal as in the case below.
https://www.lawscot.org.uk/news-and-events/legal-news/appeal-court-upholds-sheriffs-entrapment-ruling-on-underage-sex-charge/
Whether or not it was entrapment will depend on exactly what was said in the conversations and this could be different in each case.
https://www.lawscot.org.uk/news-and-events/legal-news/appeal-court-upholds-sheriffs-entrapment-ruling-on-underage-sex-charge/
Whether or not it was entrapment will depend on exactly what was said in the conversations and this could be different in each case.
The rage!! In my case it was my son but I was SO angry; I wanted to break things and to scream a lot. I got past it by doing a lot of running and also just with the passing of time; I think I just got tired of feeling and being like that and I probably wasn't a very nice person to be around. Also, it doesn't really solve anything and just eats you up. Sending you hugs xx
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Polly Pocket
My son was arrested for iioc about 4 years ago. I don't have any specialist knowledge. I just do a lot of reading.
My son was arrested for iioc about 4 years ago. I don't have any specialist knowledge. I just do a lot of reading.