Friendship loss
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So today marks a year since my best friend betrayed me, broke my trust and told me I was risking my children's lives by being with my person.
We had the knock in April 2021.My person didn't come clean about the offenses straight away, and when he did he put it in an email to me and my parents. He lied for 3 weeks and when I found out he had actually knowingly acsessed IIOC I was devastated. The email also detailed sexual abuse he had suffered as a child and that he saw the person who committed the abuse 5 years prior to the arrest which put him on a downward spiral of mental health issues and porn addiction and ultimately leading to his offences. When he was arrested, he told his solicitor the truth and he said not to tell anyone, not even me, but with the help of his therapist and Stop it Now, he told us everything in a very long detailed email.
As you can imagine my emotions were running high on a rollercoaster reading this email. It was another shock and blow to me considering the knock came 3 weeks prior. I'd confided in one of my best friends at the time and in my emotional state forwarded her the email.
In the year following the knock she pretty much told me that she was uncomfortable with my person. I told her I was undecided on what I wanted to do in terms of staying or leaving but wasn't in a position to make a decision at that point.
In April 2022, she came to mine for the afternoon with a few other friends (who knew the situation) to celebrate my daughters birthday. My person was there as he is still living with us.
2 weeks later I had a call from SS to say an anonymous call came in about the whole email situation. I wanted to tell SS about the email at the time or recieving it, however I didn't on the advice from the solicitor. Plus the police had already contacted them, told them there were things on the laptop that they were unhappy with and would be calling for a second interview when all devices were back from forensics.
The kids were on a CIN at the time and for 3 days I was in the dark about where the info had come from. I was honest with SS when they told me and told them everything was true (and felt relieved doing it). However, there was only a handful of trusted people who knew and after 3 days I figured out it was something to do with this particular friend.I had to message her and ask her if she'd told anyone. She rang me and told me what had happened.
She'd had a drunken night with 2 friends, one an ex social worker and the other a solicitor. She told them she was worried that she would be in trouble with police as she'd been sent the email, knew about my person's confession and SS were not aware of the truth. These 2 friends of hers said they would report it. Without even contacting me and saying "Lois, I messed up, please tell SS before they do" she just let them both (separately) call it in. She knew for 2 days they had done that and kept quiet until I figured it out.
She of course apologised for breaking my trust but I was constantly justifying to her why I was staying with my person. She said when she came for my daughters birthday she didn't like the fact that we were carrying on as normal as if nothing had happened (well after living in knock club for a year and still waiting for 2nd interview we didn't have much choice other than live our lives like that). She also asked me why I would risk my kids safety by staying with my person.....basically you're a shit mother is what she was saying!
At this point my person was a changed man, was remorseful and insightful of his actions and having weekly therapy. All these things were reasons I had stayed with him. At the end of our phone conversation we said goodbye and I haven't spoken to her since. Following that we had to sit in a face to face initial CPP conference. It was horrific and traumatic.i could never forgive her for putting me through that.
I decided to cut her out of my life which was hard and very sad but I had to show myself some respect. We went to school together, and her and her husband were my daughters god parents and she was one of my closest best friends. But none of that mattered. I had other very close friends who were amazing, non judegmental towards me and my person and supportive of me, their friend. She just didn't compare to that.
A year on from then I've not spoken to her and she hasn't reached out to me once. I often think of her especially as she lives close by my parents and I often drive past her house. I don't regret cutting her out for one minute though.
Being in knock club has shown me how lucky I am to have truly amazing friends by my side no matter what I chose to do in my life. This has highlighted to me how better off I am not being associated with others who are narrow minded and question my judement as a mother. I understand finding out someone you know has offended must be difficult to get your head around....we all know this well! However, does that person and their family deserve to be punished for the rest of their life and not get opportunity to make things right and change for the better?
Obviously none of this would have happened if I was honest with SS in the first place. My mistake. However at the time I wasn't thinking straight and had so many different things to process.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes in life you lose a friendship because people change or circumstances change. Ultimately we can chose our friends not our family. I have stood by my family with the support of very good friends and I am happy to cut out someone who isn't prepared to support me as their friend. It hurts, it's painful but time heals and I know I'm much better for making that decision a year ago. For others who have lost friends because of being a member of this awful club, please see it as not a loss. They have lost you and you are not the offender. Life is better without people making you feel like the criminal.
We had the knock in April 2021.My person didn't come clean about the offenses straight away, and when he did he put it in an email to me and my parents. He lied for 3 weeks and when I found out he had actually knowingly acsessed IIOC I was devastated. The email also detailed sexual abuse he had suffered as a child and that he saw the person who committed the abuse 5 years prior to the arrest which put him on a downward spiral of mental health issues and porn addiction and ultimately leading to his offences. When he was arrested, he told his solicitor the truth and he said not to tell anyone, not even me, but with the help of his therapist and Stop it Now, he told us everything in a very long detailed email.
As you can imagine my emotions were running high on a rollercoaster reading this email. It was another shock and blow to me considering the knock came 3 weeks prior. I'd confided in one of my best friends at the time and in my emotional state forwarded her the email.
In the year following the knock she pretty much told me that she was uncomfortable with my person. I told her I was undecided on what I wanted to do in terms of staying or leaving but wasn't in a position to make a decision at that point.
In April 2022, she came to mine for the afternoon with a few other friends (who knew the situation) to celebrate my daughters birthday. My person was there as he is still living with us.
2 weeks later I had a call from SS to say an anonymous call came in about the whole email situation. I wanted to tell SS about the email at the time or recieving it, however I didn't on the advice from the solicitor. Plus the police had already contacted them, told them there were things on the laptop that they were unhappy with and would be calling for a second interview when all devices were back from forensics.
The kids were on a CIN at the time and for 3 days I was in the dark about where the info had come from. I was honest with SS when they told me and told them everything was true (and felt relieved doing it). However, there was only a handful of trusted people who knew and after 3 days I figured out it was something to do with this particular friend.I had to message her and ask her if she'd told anyone. She rang me and told me what had happened.
She'd had a drunken night with 2 friends, one an ex social worker and the other a solicitor. She told them she was worried that she would be in trouble with police as she'd been sent the email, knew about my person's confession and SS were not aware of the truth. These 2 friends of hers said they would report it. Without even contacting me and saying "Lois, I messed up, please tell SS before they do" she just let them both (separately) call it in. She knew for 2 days they had done that and kept quiet until I figured it out.
She of course apologised for breaking my trust but I was constantly justifying to her why I was staying with my person. She said when she came for my daughters birthday she didn't like the fact that we were carrying on as normal as if nothing had happened (well after living in knock club for a year and still waiting for 2nd interview we didn't have much choice other than live our lives like that). She also asked me why I would risk my kids safety by staying with my person.....basically you're a shit mother is what she was saying!
At this point my person was a changed man, was remorseful and insightful of his actions and having weekly therapy. All these things were reasons I had stayed with him. At the end of our phone conversation we said goodbye and I haven't spoken to her since. Following that we had to sit in a face to face initial CPP conference. It was horrific and traumatic.i could never forgive her for putting me through that.
I decided to cut her out of my life which was hard and very sad but I had to show myself some respect. We went to school together, and her and her husband were my daughters god parents and she was one of my closest best friends. But none of that mattered. I had other very close friends who were amazing, non judegmental towards me and my person and supportive of me, their friend. She just didn't compare to that.
A year on from then I've not spoken to her and she hasn't reached out to me once. I often think of her especially as she lives close by my parents and I often drive past her house. I don't regret cutting her out for one minute though.
Being in knock club has shown me how lucky I am to have truly amazing friends by my side no matter what I chose to do in my life. This has highlighted to me how better off I am not being associated with others who are narrow minded and question my judement as a mother. I understand finding out someone you know has offended must be difficult to get your head around....we all know this well! However, does that person and their family deserve to be punished for the rest of their life and not get opportunity to make things right and change for the better?
Obviously none of this would have happened if I was honest with SS in the first place. My mistake. However at the time I wasn't thinking straight and had so many different things to process.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes in life you lose a friendship because people change or circumstances change. Ultimately we can chose our friends not our family. I have stood by my family with the support of very good friends and I am happy to cut out someone who isn't prepared to support me as their friend. It hurts, it's painful but time heals and I know I'm much better for making that decision a year ago. For others who have lost friends because of being a member of this awful club, please see it as not a loss. They have lost you and you are not the offender. Life is better without people making you feel like the criminal.
I still get sad over the family I lost, only one asked me about it and decided to share their own version this was a close FM. Not one of them ever ask me about it, they made their own stories and drop me totally, just a few days ago I was deleted off all their social media even the dog account which kind of made me giggle. I only do two social media accounts. This is 3 years now past sentence, my OH saids why don't you speak to them and tell them to speak to me. I like if they haven't bothered to ask us in the last 3 years I ain't telling them now. They can't believe I stayed with him.They also been very unkind to my grown up children.
I cried for 2 days and pulled myself up.My OH family and our friends are still here, we only have a very small group thankfully.
We really do see, who the real people are.
xXx
I cried for 2 days and pulled myself up.My OH family and our friends are still here, we only have a very small group thankfully.
We really do see, who the real people are.
xXx
Hi,
We have lost friends and family too, and like u Anne other family members say y don't u go and explain, but my attitude is, they no where I am if they want to talk over y I handled it the way I did, they r very welcome but I am not going round there to explain myself, for actually putting my family first for a change.
I have lost good friends but then I've also kept amazing friends who no my oh didn't do this on purpose, but I am afraid that because of the backlash we had online, that now I struggle to go our in our town, I go the next town to shop, but unfortunately we go to a carvery and twice now 1 of the online abusers were there we their family and make my 19 old feel uncomfortable and me, so I feel I'm not struggling to go our again.
Sorry digressed there but my emotions are all over the place because even though we r 3 years post sentence these feelings and worries seem to come back full force xx
We have lost friends and family too, and like u Anne other family members say y don't u go and explain, but my attitude is, they no where I am if they want to talk over y I handled it the way I did, they r very welcome but I am not going round there to explain myself, for actually putting my family first for a change.
I have lost good friends but then I've also kept amazing friends who no my oh didn't do this on purpose, but I am afraid that because of the backlash we had online, that now I struggle to go our in our town, I go the next town to shop, but unfortunately we go to a carvery and twice now 1 of the online abusers were there we their family and make my 19 old feel uncomfortable and me, so I feel I'm not struggling to go our again.
Sorry digressed there but my emotions are all over the place because even though we r 3 years post sentence these feelings and worries seem to come back full force xx
Anne, I'm sorry to hear that about your family. It's so difficult isn't it. I'm very lucky that mine have stood by me. My person's family don't know a thing. We barely see them and know they will be judgemental and untrustworthy. We decided to keep them at arms length and keep it to ourselves. This situation is hard enough to deal with without family causing you more hurt and trauma. Cherish the ones who support you and are prepared to listen x hugs x
Dawn I'm sorry you are finding it difficult at the moment. I think once we're in this club, we never totally leave it. It is very up and down in terms of emotions. One minute you think you're okay and feeling positive and it just takes one person/situation to ruin it all. We all understand that it isn't as black and white in terms of leaving or staying. Unfortunately there are a multitude of things to consider. You've made the right decision for you and your family and that's all that matters x
Hi,
What I want to say to you is wow. Such a powerful post. This is detailed, well thought out, rational and actually, so low key awe inspiring.
You have my utmost respect, and also sending you love x
Haven't quite formulated my thoughts re this, but you have impacted me x
What I want to say to you is wow. Such a powerful post. This is detailed, well thought out, rational and actually, so low key awe inspiring.
You have my utmost respect, and also sending you love x
Haven't quite formulated my thoughts re this, but you have impacted me x
Hi Lois34,
I no deep down I have but, I think all the stress and now I'm grieving the loss of dad, have brought memories back, I think I am just stuck in a rut, I think all the trauma I've been through these last few years has started me on early menopause lol, so now I'm just emotional, but ur post just mirrors wat we have lost, my oh doesn't care cause he has us but I don't think he realises that now me and my youngest mainly r losing out because we don't see people any more x ( sometimes that's not a bad thing lol )
I no deep down I have but, I think all the stress and now I'm grieving the loss of dad, have brought memories back, I think I am just stuck in a rut, I think all the trauma I've been through these last few years has started me on early menopause lol, so now I'm just emotional, but ur post just mirrors wat we have lost, my oh doesn't care cause he has us but I don't think he realises that now me and my youngest mainly r losing out because we don't see people any more x ( sometimes that's not a bad thing lol )
Hi everyone - it's very hard when people turn their back on you or show obvious awkwardness. Hard as they overlook the fact we are actually in shock and innocent.
Personally I don't get angry anymore, it really takes too much energy and life is too short. I just respect their views (perhaps angry their views are formed on foul media they've read) and I move on. Now dealing with family members is the painful bit.
Like you ladies say - you certainly learn about true friends. I have been in touch with colleagues I haven't seen for years, their support breathtaking...... which to me shows they actually care.
remember there's new friends to be made, I've made dozens on this wonderful forum!
Personally I don't get angry anymore, it really takes too much energy and life is too short. I just respect their views (perhaps angry their views are formed on foul media they've read) and I move on. Now dealing with family members is the painful bit.
Like you ladies say - you certainly learn about true friends. I have been in touch with colleagues I haven't seen for years, their support breathtaking...... which to me shows they actually care.
remember there's new friends to be made, I've made dozens on this wonderful forum!
Beautifully written. As our life journey unfolds our interactions with others change, it's how we evolve as people and how we grow x
I'm having a very upsetting time at present , so it was my son that offended 7 years ago iioc,
same time as arrest a friend messaged me about going on holiday , I was an absolute wreck, you know the picture , couldnt eat, weight loss, frightened , couldn't sleep , hence I didn't reply to her, last thing I wanted was a holiday,
anyway fastforward 7 years and I have this weekend found out that same ex friend has organised another holiday and 3 of my close friends have been invited but not me as I didn't respond to her invite 7 years ago and she apparently doesn't do no response,
I am so upset by this but I don't know if I am right to be upset or not ,
as someone else said on this forum , this really is the gift that keeps giving!!
same time as arrest a friend messaged me about going on holiday , I was an absolute wreck, you know the picture , couldnt eat, weight loss, frightened , couldn't sleep , hence I didn't reply to her, last thing I wanted was a holiday,
anyway fastforward 7 years and I have this weekend found out that same ex friend has organised another holiday and 3 of my close friends have been invited but not me as I didn't respond to her invite 7 years ago and she apparently doesn't do no response,
I am so upset by this but I don't know if I am right to be upset or not ,
as someone else said on this forum , this really is the gift that keeps giving!!
nonna - this really shows up what someone is like; a true friend would ask more than once and/or ask if you were OK when you didn't respond - and certainly not then bear a grudge for 7 years!!! WOW!
I'm so sorry that you now have this extra hurt to deal with especially as it's probably taken you back to that dark time in your memory as well as hurting now in the present. Sending a big hug x
I'm so sorry that you now have this extra hurt to deal with especially as it's probably taken you back to that dark time in your memory as well as hurting now in the present. Sending a big hug x
Lois,
Such a powerful post and as I said in my message, it really couldn't have come at a better time. I'm going through something similar myself; one of my best friends is in the process of turning her back on me as a result of me confiding in her which I'm finding quite difficult to handle. She's saying some very unkind things to me and bizarrely, is making this situation about her. (It has nothing to do with her?!) As a result, it's really making me question her support and loyalty. We have been friends for a few years and it would be such a shame to lose her as a friend, but I don't know if I want a "friend" in my life who isn't willing to support and show up for me when I really need her.
Unfortunately this awful situation really does force people to show their true colours as a result of the stigma, but as you said, they have lost you, not the other way around. They have lost a kind, open-minded, patient and undeniably selfless individual as a friend. It's their loss, not yours. Your ex-friend sounds horribly narrow-minded and what she did was downright cruel and unkind. You were already going through hell, so for her to make an outside judgement like that and betray you was heartless.
I'm so pleased you have other supportive friends in your life who have stepped up and been the kind and compassionate friends you need. Keep putting your ex-friend behind you, you know what's best for you. x
Such a powerful post and as I said in my message, it really couldn't have come at a better time. I'm going through something similar myself; one of my best friends is in the process of turning her back on me as a result of me confiding in her which I'm finding quite difficult to handle. She's saying some very unkind things to me and bizarrely, is making this situation about her. (It has nothing to do with her?!) As a result, it's really making me question her support and loyalty. We have been friends for a few years and it would be such a shame to lose her as a friend, but I don't know if I want a "friend" in my life who isn't willing to support and show up for me when I really need her.
Unfortunately this awful situation really does force people to show their true colours as a result of the stigma, but as you said, they have lost you, not the other way around. They have lost a kind, open-minded, patient and undeniably selfless individual as a friend. It's their loss, not yours. Your ex-friend sounds horribly narrow-minded and what she did was downright cruel and unkind. You were already going through hell, so for her to make an outside judgement like that and betray you was heartless.
I'm so pleased you have other supportive friends in your life who have stepped up and been the kind and compassionate friends you need. Keep putting your ex-friend behind you, you know what's best for you. x