Worrying about them in prison
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Hi all, hope everyone is well I've gone abit silent trying to wrap my head around this new way of living with my OH in prison
things were starting to settle and I'm very fortunate I can see him every week with 2 additional FaceTimes a month, so I've been arranging all that, making sure he's comfortable and what not but the last few days he's been really down on the phone and I knew something was wrong, his pad mate got moved out so he's on his own and managed to open up to me that he's been on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now because he was so low and he didn't tell me because he's struggling to be open while in there. This breaks my heart. 4 weeks and he felt he couldn't tell me something like that, we had a really open conversation yesterday but he sounds so defeated and I feel helpless I'm so worried about him. He's holding out for the therapy in there but it's taking too long in my opinion he's been in prison 4 months already and not a peep about it! he's had a bit of positive news about being moved up to enhanced and getting his own pad so I'm hoping this gives him something to look forward too, plus I'm seeing him Tuesday so told him to keep pushing until then but I feel lost.
how do you keep strong for them when all you want to do is cry yourself?! He's the most loving caring sweetest man I've met who found himself in a position he shouldn't of through his poor mental health and to hear he's struggling again tears me apart. I just pray it's part of his healing journey and he doesn't lose himself completely while in there
I don't know if im looking for advice or just needing to get my feelings out and someone to talk to who's had similar experiences with there partner or loved one in prison, im just so worried xx
things were starting to settle and I'm very fortunate I can see him every week with 2 additional FaceTimes a month, so I've been arranging all that, making sure he's comfortable and what not but the last few days he's been really down on the phone and I knew something was wrong, his pad mate got moved out so he's on his own and managed to open up to me that he's been on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now because he was so low and he didn't tell me because he's struggling to be open while in there. This breaks my heart. 4 weeks and he felt he couldn't tell me something like that, we had a really open conversation yesterday but he sounds so defeated and I feel helpless I'm so worried about him. He's holding out for the therapy in there but it's taking too long in my opinion he's been in prison 4 months already and not a peep about it! he's had a bit of positive news about being moved up to enhanced and getting his own pad so I'm hoping this gives him something to look forward too, plus I'm seeing him Tuesday so told him to keep pushing until then but I feel lost.
how do you keep strong for them when all you want to do is cry yourself?! He's the most loving caring sweetest man I've met who found himself in a position he shouldn't of through his poor mental health and to hear he's struggling again tears me apart. I just pray it's part of his healing journey and he doesn't lose himself completely while in there
I don't know if im looking for advice or just needing to get my feelings out and someone to talk to who's had similar experiences with there partner or loved one in prison, im just so worried xx
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I do agree with Parkerpoo's suggestion of 'switching off' it's important you (try to) focus on yourself for a while........ you matter too :)
Leesha I can completely relate and understand your position. My partner has had a couple of very low periods where I've worried about him greatly. I feel so helpless on the outside. When he's very low I do try to give him what he needs which is quite often just someone to talk to know someone believes in him and can see the future. This does wipe me out though. But I do have to switch off and tune out sometimes because I know I and we wouldn't survive the duration if I didn't. He's been inside for 13 month now and it's been a bit of a roller coaster with some low points and some ticking along points and perhaps even some positive points.
It sounds like the prision he's in is great for accommodating contact via calls and visits. I understand the waiting list are very, very long but there maybe other work his prison probation office can give him - My person was given a couple of programs to work through on his own and has subsequently been given some other optional ones. Has he had a meeting with his probation officer or key worker? My person did have to be fairly persistent to get his appointments, but it did pay off.
Is he working? Making the most of other opportunities to get out of his cell? Is there anything you think he'd like to learn, whether that's a skill, a hobby or craft - Something to pass the time? Or maybe even study? There are charities that support learning in the prison. Structure has helped my person greatly, but I appreciate this is hard when you are feeling low.
There should also be a mental health wellbeing line he can call if things are bad. My person has called it a couple or times.
If there are things you think need pushing from the outside there is often a email address you can email - I've found this has helped progress things. I am happy to share the format for the prison my person is at, I wonder of they all follow the same format.
If it isn't advise you are looking for, but just to offload I can completely understand. Several times a week things bubble up for me and however much I look for a solution or an answer, sometimes there just isn't one but talking helps.
Do take care of yourself, though - It's very clear how much you love and care for him, he's very fortunate.
It sounds like the prision he's in is great for accommodating contact via calls and visits. I understand the waiting list are very, very long but there maybe other work his prison probation office can give him - My person was given a couple of programs to work through on his own and has subsequently been given some other optional ones. Has he had a meeting with his probation officer or key worker? My person did have to be fairly persistent to get his appointments, but it did pay off.
Is he working? Making the most of other opportunities to get out of his cell? Is there anything you think he'd like to learn, whether that's a skill, a hobby or craft - Something to pass the time? Or maybe even study? There are charities that support learning in the prison. Structure has helped my person greatly, but I appreciate this is hard when you are feeling low.
There should also be a mental health wellbeing line he can call if things are bad. My person has called it a couple or times.
If there are things you think need pushing from the outside there is often a email address you can email - I've found this has helped progress things. I am happy to share the format for the prison my person is at, I wonder of they all follow the same format.
If it isn't advise you are looking for, but just to offload I can completely understand. Several times a week things bubble up for me and however much I look for a solution or an answer, sometimes there just isn't one but talking helps.
Do take care of yourself, though - It's very clear how much you love and care for him, he's very fortunate.
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Thank you all so much for your responses, I really appreciate it <3 I think I just needed to off load to other people who understand this journey we're on
the prison he's in has actually been great, he's in education and studying currently, applied for the gym aswell as he gets bored over the weekend so hopefully that helps him. all his tutors are really good with him and the guards are great too even on visits they are always friendly to me. He has spoken to his key worker and to the listeners on his wing too that's why he reached out to health care about his mental health which I'm so proud of him for doing. I think he's just reflecting alot about his past and I do think the anti depressants are increasing his emotions but I have told him to allow himself to feel it all he needs to let it all out! I just worry Because he didn't tell me for a few weeks that he'd been feeling like that, he said he didn't want to worry me but I told him regardless if he told me or not I still worry! So he's promised to tell me straight away from now on or at least when he feels he can be open.
i got myself a therapist and she's amazing, knows our situation and any advice she gives me that I think will help him we talk about it while he's waiting on his therapy. I've actually been doing really well in myself and taking everyone's advice of looking after myself, I agree about the switching off from it aswell, I'm gutting our house ready for him to come home so it's keeping me busy too and I do switch off when decorating the weeks have been flying by and i keep telling him it's only 10 more months now Then we can move on after 5 years! Xx
the prison he's in has actually been great, he's in education and studying currently, applied for the gym aswell as he gets bored over the weekend so hopefully that helps him. all his tutors are really good with him and the guards are great too even on visits they are always friendly to me. He has spoken to his key worker and to the listeners on his wing too that's why he reached out to health care about his mental health which I'm so proud of him for doing. I think he's just reflecting alot about his past and I do think the anti depressants are increasing his emotions but I have told him to allow himself to feel it all he needs to let it all out! I just worry Because he didn't tell me for a few weeks that he'd been feeling like that, he said he didn't want to worry me but I told him regardless if he told me or not I still worry! So he's promised to tell me straight away from now on or at least when he feels he can be open.
i got myself a therapist and she's amazing, knows our situation and any advice she gives me that I think will help him we talk about it while he's waiting on his therapy. I've actually been doing really well in myself and taking everyone's advice of looking after myself, I agree about the switching off from it aswell, I'm gutting our house ready for him to come home so it's keeping me busy too and I do switch off when decorating the weeks have been flying by and i keep telling him it's only 10 more months now Then we can move on after 5 years! Xx
@leesha my husband is also serving a prison sentence. He is a military veteran and accustomed to regimes, authority & being resilient but he also reached a particularly low point where he requested mental health support. Seeking that support is a huge step in itself as we are all too aware that men tend not to do so. I am proud of my husband for seeking help and I hope you feel the same about your partner.
Nothing within the prison system seems to happen quickly which can be frustrating for them and concerning for us on the outside. Two weeks into his sentence my husband suffered a serious heart attack. He is having to fight tooth and nail for follow up medical input & rehabilitative support. Thankfully he has medical training and knowledge so knows what is necessary. He finds having a calm & respectful approach to prison staff is beneficial, but has found unless you push nothing happens. * Encourage your partner to ask about work opportunities and education. Having a focus and routine certainly seems to help.
My husband is an avid reader and uses the library when he is able to in addition to me sending books directly when I can.
I echo the importance of self care which I personally find easier said than done. It is a daily battle but I try to focus on something positive to be appreciative of each day. The situation can seem overwhelming & it is exhausting but it can't be changed. Each day is one less and one closer to release. My husband not being here is temporarily part of my life but my life continues, I no longer feel all consumed by it.
My husband calls mainly each day but I only visit physically once a month. I would find more frequent visits overwhelming. Seeing our loved ones in prison and going through the visiting process is tough. Take care of yourself too and find a balance that is manageable.
xx
*just seen your response. Glad to hear he's engaged. Look at him telling you how he was feeling a different way. He told you irrelevant of the time it took x
Nothing within the prison system seems to happen quickly which can be frustrating for them and concerning for us on the outside. Two weeks into his sentence my husband suffered a serious heart attack. He is having to fight tooth and nail for follow up medical input & rehabilitative support. Thankfully he has medical training and knowledge so knows what is necessary. He finds having a calm & respectful approach to prison staff is beneficial, but has found unless you push nothing happens. * Encourage your partner to ask about work opportunities and education. Having a focus and routine certainly seems to help.
My husband is an avid reader and uses the library when he is able to in addition to me sending books directly when I can.
I echo the importance of self care which I personally find easier said than done. It is a daily battle but I try to focus on something positive to be appreciative of each day. The situation can seem overwhelming & it is exhausting but it can't be changed. Each day is one less and one closer to release. My husband not being here is temporarily part of my life but my life continues, I no longer feel all consumed by it.
My husband calls mainly each day but I only visit physically once a month. I would find more frequent visits overwhelming. Seeing our loved ones in prison and going through the visiting process is tough. Take care of yourself too and find a balance that is manageable.
xx
*just seen your response. Glad to hear he's engaged. Look at him telling you how he was feeling a different way. He told you irrelevant of the time it took x
I've spoken to him through the prison voicemail today while in work and he seems to be doing better this morning,he actually managed to sleep through last night for the first time in months so I think our conversation last night must of really helped him which has eased my worrying! I know I'll feel even better when he rings me later tonight
that is true about him being open with me regardless of the time it took him, it's a step in the right direction for him and I am honestly so proud of him, not only seeking the help but for being open about it too
he's getting there with a routine and he's doing a lot of reading too which has been helping Him, I think our persons just get so frustrated with how slow everything is but I'm so glad he was able to get the healthcare quickly and get the help when he needed it
I count down the days too but keeping myself busy and looking after myself makes the days go faster and like you said one day down is a day closer to them coming home xx
that is true about him being open with me regardless of the time it took him, it's a step in the right direction for him and I am honestly so proud of him, not only seeking the help but for being open about it too
he's getting there with a routine and he's doing a lot of reading too which has been helping Him, I think our persons just get so frustrated with how slow everything is but I'm so glad he was able to get the healthcare quickly and get the help when he needed it
I count down the days too but keeping myself busy and looking after myself makes the days go faster and like you said one day down is a day closer to them coming home xx
Leesha
It good to have an update on how you are x
It's good he has opened up to you about him been on antidepressants, I guess he didn't want to cause you more concern , but it does dosent it ,
My son wanted his own cell but for me i was really worried as i thought at least he wouldn't do anything silly been in a shared cell(he was suicidal) but now i understand why sharing was good having someone to talk to but then trying to get used to there habits etc caused him more issues, since having his own space he has settled, he has been on antidepressants for a year now, and he is in a good place (as far as prison is concerned)
Its good you have weekly visits, we go once a month, have a video call weekly, and phone calls, it's the new normal
But if ever you are worried the prisons do have a welfare phone xx
It good to have an update on how you are x
It's good he has opened up to you about him been on antidepressants, I guess he didn't want to cause you more concern , but it does dosent it ,
My son wanted his own cell but for me i was really worried as i thought at least he wouldn't do anything silly been in a shared cell(he was suicidal) but now i understand why sharing was good having someone to talk to but then trying to get used to there habits etc caused him more issues, since having his own space he has settled, he has been on antidepressants for a year now, and he is in a good place (as far as prison is concerned)
Its good you have weekly visits, we go once a month, have a video call weekly, and phone calls, it's the new normal
But if ever you are worried the prisons do have a welfare phone xx
I was worrying about him being on his own too for the same reasons but I know he does enjoy his own space and he said he can be more open on the phone with me if he's on his own, which again makes me so happy to hear because I know he wants to talk to me when he's feeling down or struggling.
i know how fortunate I am to be able to see him every week and I know it keeps him going too, we both get so excited for Tuesdays now we call it a date instead of a visit to make it less overwhelming and he loves the video calls too because he gets to see our pets which I think he's missing them more than me Haha!
I think I just need to keep reminding myself this isn't forever and I have to keep positive for him as much as I can xx
i know how fortunate I am to be able to see him every week and I know it keeps him going too, we both get so excited for Tuesdays now we call it a date instead of a visit to make it less overwhelming and he loves the video calls too because he gets to see our pets which I think he's missing them more than me Haha!
I think I just need to keep reminding myself this isn't forever and I have to keep positive for him as much as I can xx
Lesha
You seem incredibly strong and are making the best of a shit situation
Love the date day rather than a visit
Having there own cell, makes a huge difference, it took time for me to get it as I was so worried, my son on antidepressants another worry but it has made a huge difference for his MH xx
You seem incredibly strong and are making the best of a shit situation
Love the date day rather than a visit
Having there own cell, makes a huge difference, it took time for me to get it as I was so worried, my son on antidepressants another worry but it has made a huge difference for his MH xx
Thank you so much upset, i didn't think I'd end up in this position after 4 years of waiting after the knock but I am trying to make the most of the situation, I think as much as it seems like a negative the distance has only made our relationship stronger and I have definitely got stronger because of it! We've also discovered things about each other that we didn't even know! Even after 9 years, it feels like a fresh relationship.
We really are making the best of the situation we are in and it really is the little things like calling them dates that get us through the weeks or chicken wrap Tuesdays as that's all we can get to eat haha prison food at its finest
We will always worry on the outside I know but as long as he's reached out for help that's all I can ask of him, I did help him alot with his MH when he was home to the point I neglected my own so for him to do it himself is such a massive step and maybe I do need to relax abit now he has taken that step himself and just allow him to find his own way while I support him from the side lines. And we even said if he wasn't sent to prison I probably wouldn't of sort out a Therapist for myself so we both are getting the help we need xx
We really are making the best of the situation we are in and it really is the little things like calling them dates that get us through the weeks or chicken wrap Tuesdays as that's all we can get to eat haha prison food at its finest
We will always worry on the outside I know but as long as he's reached out for help that's all I can ask of him, I did help him alot with his MH when he was home to the point I neglected my own so for him to do it himself is such a massive step and maybe I do need to relax abit now he has taken that step himself and just allow him to find his own way while I support him from the side lines. And we even said if he wasn't sent to prison I probably wouldn't of sort out a Therapist for myself so we both are getting the help we need xx
Lesha
We could never imagined been in this situation but all we can do is make the best of it x
He is very lucky to have you in his life
The new normal relationship you have both built is a credit to you, but through all of this do not forget the person you are, if it makes you feel happy then grasp it with open arms and make the best of your time together xx
We could never imagined been in this situation but all we can do is make the best of it x
He is very lucky to have you in his life
The new normal relationship you have both built is a credit to you, but through all of this do not forget the person you are, if it makes you feel happy then grasp it with open arms and make the best of your time together xx