Conflicted
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It has taken me several days to work out how I can reach out to a community I have been thrust into...but here I am.
I am 5 days down the line and instead of the days getting better I feel they are getting worse. The first few days I found myself in autodrive...my OH was arrested and I've not seen him since, other than briefly in court before he was transferred to prison. Since moving to the local prison I haven't heard from him or seen him and I am now on day 3 of this. I threw myself into my default setting of 'what is within my power that I can do to help?' I've been fixated on trying to reduce the emotional and logistical impact on him and on me.
I am now at the point where there are less things I can be doing...either because they have already been done or I have hit a brick wall (reception visit). However it is also the point where family have questions and are wanting to talk which is causing a whole new wave of anxiety.
I am feeling so conflicted about what I do or say and the choices that I make for myself and my wider family moving forward. I believe that there is always a choice to be had (just as my OH had a choice) but in my personal situation, some of those choices could have further consequences for myself.
I know I am not able to make decisions at this time...I still have so many questions that I have not been able to ask and I have been forced to hypothesise the answers so far. I think this is why I have leant on the one thing I do know how to do and that is worry and try and take care of my OH.
I keep thinking about different versions of my future, both with and without him. On one hand, I stick by him and keep the vow I made to him and help him get the right support or on the other, I could leave and try and start a new life. I know that I am capable of each so it is not a case of taking the easier option. I also may have to accept that he may decide to leave so as not to put me through any more pain. There may also be conversations that change the balance completely and my whole perspective changes again.
This is my OH second offence which makes it very difficult to understand. The judge felt there was an escalation and so did not grant bail and this will likely result in a custodial sentence. I have read alot on this forum which has thrown further questions and possibilities into the mix...does my OH have specific character traits that contributed? Has his learning difficultly contributed? Has the abuse he experienced as a child contributed? Had his mental health contributed? Maybe...but maybe not. There are many many people who experience trauma in their childhood or have learning difficulties that don't offend...so why has he? Again?
He has worked so hard since his first conviction and has turned his life around which has made me so angry that he would be willing to throw it all away..he has kept a job, he has had promotions at work, we got married, he has a secure friendship base, he was engaging in healthy hobbies (although hobbies that were independent of others), he had reduced his drinking (he did recently increase again which I am now wondering whether that was linked to what had been going on). I currently think that what he needs is help...professional help...to help with his offending behaviours, to address his previous trauma and to address some of these character traits so he can get them in check. I 100% agree with any sentence he is given...he has held his hands up to it at the first opportunity, and I believe that his choices have consequences. But I don't feel that I myself can judge him and punish him...that is the job of the courts and the law and they will implement whatever consequences are deemed necessary.
I am also battling further ethical dilemmas since court after hearing how he was identified and how the offences came about...this is again making my brain hypothesise further about this and causing a lot of anxiety.
I don't condone what my OH has done and agree with whatever the courts give him, but do I let this define him? Or do I help him have the future he wants to have moving forward? Or will the conditions that I impose, at least to begin with, be too much for him and he will go off on his own? I have never let anyone struggle or suffer, it is not in my nature...so why would I not support him? But equally, can I trust him and can you have a relationship without trust? Or do you find a way to manage that distrust?
Any words of advice or if anyone has been in similar situations would be welcome...if just to help me manage the current place of worry and anxiety where I currently exist.
xxx
I am 5 days down the line and instead of the days getting better I feel they are getting worse. The first few days I found myself in autodrive...my OH was arrested and I've not seen him since, other than briefly in court before he was transferred to prison. Since moving to the local prison I haven't heard from him or seen him and I am now on day 3 of this. I threw myself into my default setting of 'what is within my power that I can do to help?' I've been fixated on trying to reduce the emotional and logistical impact on him and on me.
I am now at the point where there are less things I can be doing...either because they have already been done or I have hit a brick wall (reception visit). However it is also the point where family have questions and are wanting to talk which is causing a whole new wave of anxiety.
I am feeling so conflicted about what I do or say and the choices that I make for myself and my wider family moving forward. I believe that there is always a choice to be had (just as my OH had a choice) but in my personal situation, some of those choices could have further consequences for myself.
I know I am not able to make decisions at this time...I still have so many questions that I have not been able to ask and I have been forced to hypothesise the answers so far. I think this is why I have leant on the one thing I do know how to do and that is worry and try and take care of my OH.
I keep thinking about different versions of my future, both with and without him. On one hand, I stick by him and keep the vow I made to him and help him get the right support or on the other, I could leave and try and start a new life. I know that I am capable of each so it is not a case of taking the easier option. I also may have to accept that he may decide to leave so as not to put me through any more pain. There may also be conversations that change the balance completely and my whole perspective changes again.
This is my OH second offence which makes it very difficult to understand. The judge felt there was an escalation and so did not grant bail and this will likely result in a custodial sentence. I have read alot on this forum which has thrown further questions and possibilities into the mix...does my OH have specific character traits that contributed? Has his learning difficultly contributed? Has the abuse he experienced as a child contributed? Had his mental health contributed? Maybe...but maybe not. There are many many people who experience trauma in their childhood or have learning difficulties that don't offend...so why has he? Again?
He has worked so hard since his first conviction and has turned his life around which has made me so angry that he would be willing to throw it all away..he has kept a job, he has had promotions at work, we got married, he has a secure friendship base, he was engaging in healthy hobbies (although hobbies that were independent of others), he had reduced his drinking (he did recently increase again which I am now wondering whether that was linked to what had been going on). I currently think that what he needs is help...professional help...to help with his offending behaviours, to address his previous trauma and to address some of these character traits so he can get them in check. I 100% agree with any sentence he is given...he has held his hands up to it at the first opportunity, and I believe that his choices have consequences. But I don't feel that I myself can judge him and punish him...that is the job of the courts and the law and they will implement whatever consequences are deemed necessary.
I am also battling further ethical dilemmas since court after hearing how he was identified and how the offences came about...this is again making my brain hypothesise further about this and causing a lot of anxiety.
I don't condone what my OH has done and agree with whatever the courts give him, but do I let this define him? Or do I help him have the future he wants to have moving forward? Or will the conditions that I impose, at least to begin with, be too much for him and he will go off on his own? I have never let anyone struggle or suffer, it is not in my nature...so why would I not support him? But equally, can I trust him and can you have a relationship without trust? Or do you find a way to manage that distrust?
Any words of advice or if anyone has been in similar situations would be welcome...if just to help me manage the current place of worry and anxiety where I currently exist.
xxx
Well done for posting. I can imagine that this must be so hard for you as it's the second time. There are others on the forum where their partner has reoffended so hopefully they will post too.
My advice would be to be compassionate to yourself. As you say you do not yet have all the answers and the whirlwind of the first few days makes it impossible to make a rational decision. But also you can support him as a friend. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.
And yes, it does sound like he needs professional help to overcome whatever lead him to the offending. This will most likely be a recurring theme if he doesn't address what lead him to offend.
My advice would be to be compassionate to yourself. As you say you do not yet have all the answers and the whirlwind of the first few days makes it impossible to make a rational decision. But also you can support him as a friend. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.
And yes, it does sound like he needs professional help to overcome whatever lead him to the offending. This will most likely be a recurring theme if he doesn't address what lead him to offend.
Post deleted
The wise Daff has expressed everything I was thinking...
My only addition will be when you said ,that you wouldn't add suffering to others as its not in your nature, remember that so includes *You*. Your happiness and wellbeing is important and it must be also taken on account.
Big hugs.
My only addition will be when you said ,that you wouldn't add suffering to others as its not in your nature, remember that so includes *You*. Your happiness and wellbeing is important and it must be also taken on account.
Big hugs.