Limbo is killing me
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March 13th changed our lives. 07:30 three plain clothed police officers came and spoke to my husband about downloading indecent images. He's admitted to viewing a forum and downloading pictures (he tells me teenagers) . After a month of he'll (him living at a mental health unit and now at his mothers) I found hidden recording device's in our bathroom. He tells me it was to look at me (apparently I wasn't naked enough and doing my widely duties).
I've gone back to work 2 weeks ago and life as a single parent ( 9yrold and 7yr old) is so hard when they speak to him on the phone every other night telling him all the lovely details and the I miss yous. Then when off the phone I get the tears, tantrums and the 'I hate him for doing this' 'what has he done?' And the inevitable 'are you getting a divorce.
Social services have left it to me to decide what access he gets whilst we wait many months if not a year for forensics. I don't want him to have unsupervised access.
I just need advice, how do people cope with this? I feel like a failure. What do others do about access to children?
I've gone back to work 2 weeks ago and life as a single parent ( 9yrold and 7yr old) is so hard when they speak to him on the phone every other night telling him all the lovely details and the I miss yous. Then when off the phone I get the tears, tantrums and the 'I hate him for doing this' 'what has he done?' And the inevitable 'are you getting a divorce.
Social services have left it to me to decide what access he gets whilst we wait many months if not a year for forensics. I don't want him to have unsupervised access.
I just need advice, how do people cope with this? I feel like a failure. What do others do about access to children?
Hi Dazed
What an awful situation to be in. I really feel for you and yours kids. I even (rightly or wrongly) feel for your husband as I’ll stake my life on it that he never once thought you and you and his kids would be going through what you are.
im not sure I am qualified to give advice about access to the kids as it was my son who offended. Also he did not look for or view child abuse online. It was all a communication thing with someone who was 14/15. I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t have done had he been looking at child abuse. I like to think I’d have stood by him and got him some help but no one can say until they face that themselves. The old saying does say, never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his or hers shoes.
I can tell you that our daughter has a male toddler and he was used to spending a lot of time with our son. Similar to you social services have said contact is up to us but that it has to be supervised.in the year before our sons case was dealt with our son still spent the same time with the little one. The only difference was that one of us was with him while he was with the little one.
Our son is currently in prison. Our daughter takes her son to the prison once a month to see him because she feels (as do we) that it’s the right thing to do. We came to this decision as a family on the basis that our son was completely honest with us from his day of arrest. I was never sure that he had been fully honest so I attended court. It’s hard to describe the relief I felt when the court charges were exactly what our son had told us they would be.
I really think it’s very different when a son offends than to when a husband or partner does. I have no idea what I’d do if it was the man I’d loved and lived with for years who’d offended. When it’s your husband the decision is not easier but perhaps less complicated if their person wants to end things. It’s not so simple to just wind down, walk away and pick up the pieces if it’s your son.
There are quite a lot of people who are either in your situation or have been in it so I’m certain someone more experienced will give you a better idea of how they have dealt with it in your situation x
What an awful situation to be in. I really feel for you and yours kids. I even (rightly or wrongly) feel for your husband as I’ll stake my life on it that he never once thought you and you and his kids would be going through what you are.
im not sure I am qualified to give advice about access to the kids as it was my son who offended. Also he did not look for or view child abuse online. It was all a communication thing with someone who was 14/15. I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t have done had he been looking at child abuse. I like to think I’d have stood by him and got him some help but no one can say until they face that themselves. The old saying does say, never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his or hers shoes.
I can tell you that our daughter has a male toddler and he was used to spending a lot of time with our son. Similar to you social services have said contact is up to us but that it has to be supervised.in the year before our sons case was dealt with our son still spent the same time with the little one. The only difference was that one of us was with him while he was with the little one.
Our son is currently in prison. Our daughter takes her son to the prison once a month to see him because she feels (as do we) that it’s the right thing to do. We came to this decision as a family on the basis that our son was completely honest with us from his day of arrest. I was never sure that he had been fully honest so I attended court. It’s hard to describe the relief I felt when the court charges were exactly what our son had told us they would be.
I really think it’s very different when a son offends than to when a husband or partner does. I have no idea what I’d do if it was the man I’d loved and lived with for years who’d offended. When it’s your husband the decision is not easier but perhaps less complicated if their person wants to end things. It’s not so simple to just wind down, walk away and pick up the pieces if it’s your son.
There are quite a lot of people who are either in your situation or have been in it so I’m certain someone more experienced will give you a better idea of how they have dealt with it in your situation x
Hi dazed and confused . Again I don’t really have the answers I am also in limbo from December when I received the knock that shattered my happy life. But it’s nit shattered me. I feel I am coping so much better that I expected and that’s down to two close friends a good gp and this forum.
children services also let me choose contact arrangement as they are satisfied I can keep my daughter safe. He sees her twice a week for two hours at a time. One I am supervising and the othuone my mum does.i can only cope with two hours. I also don’t feel up for playing happy families. We are civil but I personally feel in my case I can’t resume a relationship. Even if he gets help which he is . I feel the betrayal has been huge He hurt himself and me and can’t have a normal relationship with my daughter.
i really feel for every innocent person involved including the children.
you are doing well just facilitating it after this shock. My only advice is to take care of yourself decisions do not need to be made straight away take time and do things slowly. If phone calls are upset if the children maybe consider stopping these. I imagine it’s painful for him too? I don’t know if you feel up to having a discussion together.
Hope things look up for us all. I am taking it slowly I haven’t initiated divorce procyet on the basis his mental health can’t manage but he knows I am offer and I did revert to my maiden name in first few weeks by deed poll.
its shocking how many people are caught up in this and I truly never saw it coming. Xxx
i have written this all out and now feel I was no help but wanted you to know your not alone.
children services also let me choose contact arrangement as they are satisfied I can keep my daughter safe. He sees her twice a week for two hours at a time. One I am supervising and the othuone my mum does.i can only cope with two hours. I also don’t feel up for playing happy families. We are civil but I personally feel in my case I can’t resume a relationship. Even if he gets help which he is . I feel the betrayal has been huge He hurt himself and me and can’t have a normal relationship with my daughter.
i really feel for every innocent person involved including the children.
you are doing well just facilitating it after this shock. My only advice is to take care of yourself decisions do not need to be made straight away take time and do things slowly. If phone calls are upset if the children maybe consider stopping these. I imagine it’s painful for him too? I don’t know if you feel up to having a discussion together.
Hope things look up for us all. I am taking it slowly I haven’t initiated divorce procyet on the basis his mental health can’t manage but he knows I am offer and I did revert to my maiden name in first few weeks by deed poll.
its shocking how many people are caught up in this and I truly never saw it coming. Xxx
i have written this all out and now feel I was no help but wanted you to know your not alone.
Hi dazed and confused
We have been told supervised contact in public. Initially I tried to do a midweek and 2 weekend contacts but found that it was exhausting and upsetting to the children so they now see him only on weekends. I can echo your experience of being happy when with dad but getting the acting out afterwards. My children are similar ages to yours.
In a way I just want him to get his sentence so he can neither go to prison or move away so I don't have to deal with the separation on a weekly basis.
You are in control here. Do what is comfortable for you. And you can change things if something does not seem to be working.
I have spent my life trying to please people but realised it will wear me out so have learnt to say no when I feel overstretched.
Hope it helps.
We have been told supervised contact in public. Initially I tried to do a midweek and 2 weekend contacts but found that it was exhausting and upsetting to the children so they now see him only on weekends. I can echo your experience of being happy when with dad but getting the acting out afterwards. My children are similar ages to yours.
In a way I just want him to get his sentence so he can neither go to prison or move away so I don't have to deal with the separation on a weekly basis.
You are in control here. Do what is comfortable for you. And you can change things if something does not seem to be working.
I have spent my life trying to please people but realised it will wear me out so have learnt to say no when I feel overstretched.
Hope it helps.
Thank you all for your advice and support.
It's so saddening to see so many affected by this and knowing so many children have been mistreated/A part of a darker world.
The betrayal is the worst, the person you've loved and thought you knew is actually not how you thought.
I find myself battling the need to give the children some sort of access and yet also not wanting him near them or me. It's only 3 months I suppose time will tell(although certainly I will not have him back as I can not trust him ever) but the children will not know really until they're old enough which makes this limbo of waiting more hellish, how do you behave around them and him when you feel so disgusted hurt and angry and yet have to show the kids a united front.
There's no choice other than to pull yourself up and carry on-for them
It's so saddening to see so many affected by this and knowing so many children have been mistreated/A part of a darker world.
The betrayal is the worst, the person you've loved and thought you knew is actually not how you thought.
I find myself battling the need to give the children some sort of access and yet also not wanting him near them or me. It's only 3 months I suppose time will tell(although certainly I will not have him back as I can not trust him ever) but the children will not know really until they're old enough which makes this limbo of waiting more hellish, how do you behave around them and him when you feel so disgusted hurt and angry and yet have to show the kids a united front.
There's no choice other than to pull yourself up and carry on-for them
Hi all.... Perfect Subject Title to the shittest situation I’ve ever found my children in!!!
Husband left after an affair in November 2016 (Affair came out when he agreed marriage ended February 2017)
Moved in with gf May 2017 having 2 daughters every other weekend.
Took daughters away with gf in July 2017 - didn’t tell me or children prior to going.
Arrested at work 14th August 2017
I found out Wednesday 16th August 2017
Children stopped going, but contact offered at my home
Electronics seized including a laptop of mine that he had stolen from my home
He got engaged October 2017
He got married May 2019 - not told the children, nor did his family.
June 2019 he is STILL under investigation. The case has been back & forth with CPS, but they should now have what they need. More waiting on a charging decision.
Anyone thought about change of name for children to help protect them?
Ive been to Citizens Advice who were amazing and am seeing a solicitor in another couple weeks.
Going through an angry stage at the mo, but was directed to this page after not being offered any support for the children or myself through this....
p.s I have Coeliac Disease - hence my name. None of this is funny...
That being said, I hold on to laughter if it comes my way. My goodness doesn’t it help...
You are all brave for speaking out. Thank you
Husband left after an affair in November 2016 (Affair came out when he agreed marriage ended February 2017)
Moved in with gf May 2017 having 2 daughters every other weekend.
Took daughters away with gf in July 2017 - didn’t tell me or children prior to going.
Arrested at work 14th August 2017
I found out Wednesday 16th August 2017
Children stopped going, but contact offered at my home
Electronics seized including a laptop of mine that he had stolen from my home
He got engaged October 2017
He got married May 2019 - not told the children, nor did his family.
June 2019 he is STILL under investigation. The case has been back & forth with CPS, but they should now have what they need. More waiting on a charging decision.
Anyone thought about change of name for children to help protect them?
Ive been to Citizens Advice who were amazing and am seeing a solicitor in another couple weeks.
Going through an angry stage at the mo, but was directed to this page after not being offered any support for the children or myself through this....
p.s I have Coeliac Disease - hence my name. None of this is funny...
That being said, I hold on to laughter if it comes my way. My goodness doesn’t it help...
You are all brave for speaking out. Thank you