Funeral
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Just wanted to share some thoughts.
Two funerals this week. I cried. Lots. For the people in the coffins, for their loved ones, for others that I loved that have already passed, and finally for the person that I thought I knew, ‘my’ person that I have lost through his selfish actions, even though he is very much alive! And of course, not present at these funerals where he should and would have been.
I thought to myself how nice it would be to be able to have a ceremony, surrounded by all who loved or knew him and us, to say goodbye to him, mourn his loss, share those lovely stories and memories (there were many) and for me to be understood by all people, not just friends and family, in my, now quiet and hidden, but still there, grief, and for my new status as an unexpected single person to be acknowledged.
That sounds bad doesn’t it? Shouldn’t I feel lucky that he is still alive? Isn’t it therefore ‘just’ a separation/divorce? No! This fits no social norms. It would be so much easier if it did. Death, affair, growing apart from each other…..
He’s always there, always will be, lurking in the shadows in my mind. Even though are slowly working towards divorce, this whole experience means I can’t publicly recognise and acknowledge it even with a tongue in cheek divorce party, as it is so sad, not to be celebrated, and I want to avoid anything that brings about those difficult conversations that, quite frankly, I’ve had enough of!
Maybe I should do something, just for me. But in a way that celebrates what I’ve achieved and overcome, rather than looking back with sadness. Hmmm! More thinking to do!
Thoughts are with you all!
xxxxx
Two funerals this week. I cried. Lots. For the people in the coffins, for their loved ones, for others that I loved that have already passed, and finally for the person that I thought I knew, ‘my’ person that I have lost through his selfish actions, even though he is very much alive! And of course, not present at these funerals where he should and would have been.
I thought to myself how nice it would be to be able to have a ceremony, surrounded by all who loved or knew him and us, to say goodbye to him, mourn his loss, share those lovely stories and memories (there were many) and for me to be understood by all people, not just friends and family, in my, now quiet and hidden, but still there, grief, and for my new status as an unexpected single person to be acknowledged.
That sounds bad doesn’t it? Shouldn’t I feel lucky that he is still alive? Isn’t it therefore ‘just’ a separation/divorce? No! This fits no social norms. It would be so much easier if it did. Death, affair, growing apart from each other…..
He’s always there, always will be, lurking in the shadows in my mind. Even though are slowly working towards divorce, this whole experience means I can’t publicly recognise and acknowledge it even with a tongue in cheek divorce party, as it is so sad, not to be celebrated, and I want to avoid anything that brings about those difficult conversations that, quite frankly, I’ve had enough of!
Maybe I should do something, just for me. But in a way that celebrates what I’ve achieved and overcome, rather than looking back with sadness. Hmmm! More thinking to do!
Thoughts are with you all!
xxxxx
Tabs
sorry about your recent loss.
I spend so much of my time putting on a face and pretending i am ok and happy i sometimes do not know what is me anymore. I read posts and though many are thought provoking, my method of not being emotinal i rarely feel anything when i read anything.(not sure if i have explained that right). Anyway, your line 'in my, now quiet and hidden, but still there, grief,' made me cry. That explains our grief so well. whether i stay or leave there is a grief of the life i used to have. I am so fed up of people always talking about it when i see them. I feel i am defined by this. I am going to a party on Saturday with people i have not seen for ages. My sister have told people i am having difficulties with my OH, but i wish she had no said anything. I now fear everyone will be pitiying me, so my smile and happy persona will be working overdrive. And yet inside I will be sad and alone.
thank you for this post. Made me feel i am not alone.
sorry about your recent loss.
I spend so much of my time putting on a face and pretending i am ok and happy i sometimes do not know what is me anymore. I read posts and though many are thought provoking, my method of not being emotinal i rarely feel anything when i read anything.(not sure if i have explained that right). Anyway, your line 'in my, now quiet and hidden, but still there, grief,' made me cry. That explains our grief so well. whether i stay or leave there is a grief of the life i used to have. I am so fed up of people always talking about it when i see them. I feel i am defined by this. I am going to a party on Saturday with people i have not seen for ages. My sister have told people i am having difficulties with my OH, but i wish she had no said anything. I now fear everyone will be pitiying me, so my smile and happy persona will be working overdrive. And yet inside I will be sad and alone.
thank you for this post. Made me feel i am not alone.
Although I'm staying, I do think I understand not being able to mourn or celebrate. Funerals are often cathartic and bring closure. As does being able to talk freely and openly about reasons for a divorce and more often than not people can relate to the many reasons someone gets divorced - I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to dicuss or talk about this any more. I often wonder if I was leaving and I really hated my person, whether I would find it cathartic to share my full story, but I still think I'd want to hide it away in shame.
I think this is such a complex situation to get closure on, there is often a lot of betrayal involved, so much to make sense of.
I'm sorry for your losses and I hoped the crying helped.
I think this is such a complex situation to get closure on, there is often a lot of betrayal involved, so much to make sense of.
I'm sorry for your losses and I hoped the crying helped.
Tabs what you say makes total sense, I have to confess in those very early days after the knock and I was questioning his claims of innocence, it did cross my mind that it might feel less painful if he had actually died, rather than be found in possession of iioc. In my crazy head at that point in time, I thought, if he had died, then I would be able to talk to people about the trauma, how I felt, my fears for the future and get support and reassurance from them.
Of course I didn't (and still don't) really wish him dead. It was a passing thought that was symptomatic of how isolated, alone, afraid and devastated I felt.
Of course I didn't (and still don't) really wish him dead. It was a passing thought that was symptomatic of how isolated, alone, afraid and devastated I felt.
I totally feel you. Losing your OH after the knock feels like grief - for the future you had as a family but also grieving the past as all those memories feel fake. Its silent grief that we have to process on our own without any of the sympathy that goes with death or a "normal" divorce. It just doesn't fit into any social norm so is so hard to know how to navigate. It's simple things I grieve for, like realising my husband can never go to my son's sports day again or watch him in a sports match. And having my best friend to talk to each day when in reality he was never my best friend. So I totally feel you. Sending love x
Thank you all for your responses, always reassuring to know others feel same/similar or just understand!
I must say though that I don't hate him. I still care about him, I think I still love him, but I'm not in love with him now that he has betrayed me and broken my trust. I know myself and I know that my life would be miserable if I stayed with him, as what he has put me though will always be there.
He has moved on anyway, which again confirms that my decision was the right one. I've not got anyone in my life and can't ever imagine it to be honest!
I just want some proper closure now, but 30years plus together takes some unraveling and I'm taking it slow and trying to be fair and kind.
Generally life goes on, and I'm happy and sociable with a good life, but this will always be a shadow, how can it not be?
sending love and strength to everyone
Xxxx
I must say though that I don't hate him. I still care about him, I think I still love him, but I'm not in love with him now that he has betrayed me and broken my trust. I know myself and I know that my life would be miserable if I stayed with him, as what he has put me though will always be there.
He has moved on anyway, which again confirms that my decision was the right one. I've not got anyone in my life and can't ever imagine it to be honest!
I just want some proper closure now, but 30years plus together takes some unraveling and I'm taking it slow and trying to be fair and kind.
Generally life goes on, and I'm happy and sociable with a good life, but this will always be a shadow, how can it not be?
sending love and strength to everyone
Xxxx
Hi Tabs
I'm sorry for your losses.
Your post resonated with me, I too have been with my ex for 32 years and the divorce came through in Jan and I am in the process of selling the house and getting a new one. This has triggered me and I have been upset again and like when it happened, maybe delayed reaction. I think this is because of selling the house, have been here for 15 years and in the same area. I also think this is because I am doing this on my own for the first time and even though I can do this. I too couldn't stay with my ex but splitting up after so long is hard and I think I am still grieving for the life I thought I would have and all the memories. The selling of the house will be the final part so hopefully new start, feeling very emotional at the min, thought I was getting better.
Hope you are feeling better.
Bereft x
I'm sorry for your losses.
Your post resonated with me, I too have been with my ex for 32 years and the divorce came through in Jan and I am in the process of selling the house and getting a new one. This has triggered me and I have been upset again and like when it happened, maybe delayed reaction. I think this is because of selling the house, have been here for 15 years and in the same area. I also think this is because I am doing this on my own for the first time and even though I can do this. I too couldn't stay with my ex but splitting up after so long is hard and I think I am still grieving for the life I thought I would have and all the memories. The selling of the house will be the final part so hopefully new start, feeling very emotional at the min, thought I was getting better.
Hope you are feeling better.
Bereft x
So much sadness for all of us x
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