Negative emotion lottery: this weird sh*tty life
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This post isn't going anywhere, just an offload for me. My mood changes every day. I live a daily negative emotion lottery - it's just pot luck which of the following I wake up feeling:
Abnormal
· Betrayed
· Disbelief
· Dishonest and deceitful
· Dread
· Exhaustion
· Fear
· Grief
· Heartbreak
· Hurt
· Isolated
· Lonely
· Loss
· Loss of control
· Pressure
· Rage
· Resentment
· Sadness
· Sense of failure
· Shame
· Stigma
· Trauma
· Unfairness
Unsupported
Today I am swamped with the pain, hurt, anger and misery that comes with the fact that I just didn't sign up for and don't want this weird, sh*tty life and everything that we've been through and what's ahead for us when I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
The relentless fear (of people finding out, of him breaching or reoffending), of never being able to trust him again, of restrictions, of interference by the authorities and their control of my family life, of stigma and shame, of deceit and lying (the lies weigh so heavy on me), of pretending to my kids, colleagues and the few family members who know that I'm OK. His family expect me to support, my family want me to have nothing to do with him so I am in a lose-lose situation and keeping anyone happy makes others unhappy - including me and my poor, poor innocent children whose lives have been destroyed by this. The stress, responsibility and logistics of doing everything myself (financially, practically, emotionally) are HARD (never mind taking that on alongside trying to navigate the trauma of our situation). I am terrified and furious about the life-long impact this will have on our kids. I am daunted by a future where he can't spend time with our kids (either at all or supervised). Will we be able to have a relationhip with any future grandchildren? I wanted my kids to have two trustworthy, adoring, role-model parents who they could trust. Not a dad who prioritised being a pervert over being a parent. A dad who is a convicted child sex offender and prisoner. Not this. Not this. Not this.
Abnormal
· Betrayed
· Disbelief
· Dishonest and deceitful
· Dread
· Exhaustion
· Fear
· Grief
· Heartbreak
· Hurt
· Isolated
· Lonely
· Loss
· Loss of control
· Pressure
· Rage
· Resentment
· Sadness
· Sense of failure
· Shame
· Stigma
· Trauma
· Unfairness
Unsupported
Today I am swamped with the pain, hurt, anger and misery that comes with the fact that I just didn't sign up for and don't want this weird, sh*tty life and everything that we've been through and what's ahead for us when I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
The relentless fear (of people finding out, of him breaching or reoffending), of never being able to trust him again, of restrictions, of interference by the authorities and their control of my family life, of stigma and shame, of deceit and lying (the lies weigh so heavy on me), of pretending to my kids, colleagues and the few family members who know that I'm OK. His family expect me to support, my family want me to have nothing to do with him so I am in a lose-lose situation and keeping anyone happy makes others unhappy - including me and my poor, poor innocent children whose lives have been destroyed by this. The stress, responsibility and logistics of doing everything myself (financially, practically, emotionally) are HARD (never mind taking that on alongside trying to navigate the trauma of our situation). I am terrified and furious about the life-long impact this will have on our kids. I am daunted by a future where he can't spend time with our kids (either at all or supervised). Will we be able to have a relationhip with any future grandchildren? I wanted my kids to have two trustworthy, adoring, role-model parents who they could trust. Not a dad who prioritised being a pervert over being a parent. A dad who is a convicted child sex offender and prisoner. Not this. Not this. Not this.
In tatters I feel you
I'm spending a lot of time on here today because it's weighing on my mind too. I'm sure how you are feeling right now, or whenever, chimes with so many of us on this forum, we all feel our own and one another's pain and yet we are powerless to fix either our own or anyone else's. In such circumstances it's no wonder we are all so miserable!
I'm so with you on the lying. I hate lying, I'm very bad at it, and I don't want to spend my life telling lies. At the moment I'm settling for just not saying anything to most people. Which is fine, because most of them don't know just yet. When/if it comes out, I'll deal with it then. I don't have the capacity to think that far ahead at the moment.
In terms of the lose-lose, I think we all have to stop hitching our own happiness to other people's happiness and feelings, and instead, selfishly do what is best for us. I think only when we have made our own lives the best they can be, can we start worrying about other people. Focus on you, what is best for you, and what you need right now. Then your children, and their needs, of course.
Apart from anger. I think it's good to feel anger. From anger comes action. Just after the knock, I told a friend of mine, who is a counsellor, that I was I incredibly angry, and she surprised me by saying "good! Anger is good, right now, I think!"
I'm spending a lot of time on here today because it's weighing on my mind too. I'm sure how you are feeling right now, or whenever, chimes with so many of us on this forum, we all feel our own and one another's pain and yet we are powerless to fix either our own or anyone else's. In such circumstances it's no wonder we are all so miserable!
I'm so with you on the lying. I hate lying, I'm very bad at it, and I don't want to spend my life telling lies. At the moment I'm settling for just not saying anything to most people. Which is fine, because most of them don't know just yet. When/if it comes out, I'll deal with it then. I don't have the capacity to think that far ahead at the moment.
In terms of the lose-lose, I think we all have to stop hitching our own happiness to other people's happiness and feelings, and instead, selfishly do what is best for us. I think only when we have made our own lives the best they can be, can we start worrying about other people. Focus on you, what is best for you, and what you need right now. Then your children, and their needs, of course.
Apart from anger. I think it's good to feel anger. From anger comes action. Just after the knock, I told a friend of mine, who is a counsellor, that I was I incredibly angry, and she surprised me by saying "good! Anger is good, right now, I think!"
Intatters
i totally feel your pain!! I have a lot of wtf moments!!! Im not able to work as much as I used to due to child care so most days I find my self just sat on the sofa feeling miserable because I just cannot motivate my self, which then frustrates me because Iv tones of house work I need to do but I just can't find the motivation.
I go through so many emotions everyday sometimes I can push what he has put me through to the back of my mind but then something will trigger it and my heart just drops... I love him, I hate him!! I speak to him like shit and I know I do but I just can't help it and I don't care!! I know that's bad.. I feel so alone, I want him to hug me but I also want to punch him.
im so worried and anxious what this will do to my children if he goes to prison, my youngest has just been diagnosed with autism and suffers from anxiety and im so worried of how it'll affect her.
i totally feel your pain!! I have a lot of wtf moments!!! Im not able to work as much as I used to due to child care so most days I find my self just sat on the sofa feeling miserable because I just cannot motivate my self, which then frustrates me because Iv tones of house work I need to do but I just can't find the motivation.
I go through so many emotions everyday sometimes I can push what he has put me through to the back of my mind but then something will trigger it and my heart just drops... I love him, I hate him!! I speak to him like shit and I know I do but I just can't help it and I don't care!! I know that's bad.. I feel so alone, I want him to hug me but I also want to punch him.
im so worried and anxious what this will do to my children if he goes to prison, my youngest has just been diagnosed with autism and suffers from anxiety and im so worried of how it'll affect her.
Intatters ... I'm sorry, I don't have anything in me today to help you feel better . I just wanted you to know I get all that you've wrote .Every single word, especially where my children are concerned . My kids are my life and it hurts more than anything that the father they love has put them in this position. X
Bless you - In Tatters - not a lot to offer, just a hug x
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Intatters
I understand completely, I think everyone of us has gone through most if if not all of what you describe.
I am unable to offer any advice but I just wanted you to know I hear you, I understand and I wish we weren't all experiencing these emotions and feelings. We are not to blame.
Most days I am able to function, get up, go to work, take care of the house, my child. Sometimes I hate my husband, sometimes I feel pity for him, sometimes disgust, sometimes I'm angry at him, sometimes the thought of what he has done brings me to tears and I want to sob uncontrollably and scream and shout and throw things (the screaming, shouting and wanting to throw things makes me scared) and I am petrified of everyone finding out, my colleagues, my bosses, of loosing my job, my friends.
And through all of this he carries on as if nothing has happened. His apology seems to be not for what he has done but for getting caught. He blames me for his behaviour which is not fair. He thinks he needs to do no work on himself, he has no empathy for my child and I and all he thinks of, is himself.
My child says I have to walk away and make a life for me now. Forget the past but how do I walk away after many years of history together, I know in my heart of hearts that my life is never going to be the same again and I grieve the loss of that life I lived, even though it was all a lie.
I understand completely, I think everyone of us has gone through most if if not all of what you describe.
I am unable to offer any advice but I just wanted you to know I hear you, I understand and I wish we weren't all experiencing these emotions and feelings. We are not to blame.
Most days I am able to function, get up, go to work, take care of the house, my child. Sometimes I hate my husband, sometimes I feel pity for him, sometimes disgust, sometimes I'm angry at him, sometimes the thought of what he has done brings me to tears and I want to sob uncontrollably and scream and shout and throw things (the screaming, shouting and wanting to throw things makes me scared) and I am petrified of everyone finding out, my colleagues, my bosses, of loosing my job, my friends.
And through all of this he carries on as if nothing has happened. His apology seems to be not for what he has done but for getting caught. He blames me for his behaviour which is not fair. He thinks he needs to do no work on himself, he has no empathy for my child and I and all he thinks of, is himself.
My child says I have to walk away and make a life for me now. Forget the past but how do I walk away after many years of history together, I know in my heart of hearts that my life is never going to be the same again and I grieve the loss of that life I lived, even though it was all a lie.
@Mywholeworld - I just wanted to say "ditto". You've captured how I feel perfectly.
I'm not sure how I keep going. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Not sure there's an alternative. If I didn't work, people would ask "why?" and I can't answer. The fewer people that know, the better. I'm regretting telling one of the friends I did tell. As someone else said recently, you can't untell someone.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I'm not sure how I keep going. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Not sure there's an alternative. If I didn't work, people would ask "why?" and I can't answer. The fewer people that know, the better. I'm regretting telling one of the friends I did tell. As someone else said recently, you can't untell someone.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Such a real life experience explained in so many words
This journey is horrendous, we live and breathe it every day, we shut it out but it lurks in the back of our minds
Why , have we ended up here through no fault of our own
But yet we are here, will it get the better of us ?
No it won't, but we are allowed to vent our feelings its better to than let it get the better of us xx
This journey is horrendous, we live and breathe it every day, we shut it out but it lurks in the back of our minds
Why , have we ended up here through no fault of our own
But yet we are here, will it get the better of us ?
No it won't, but we are allowed to vent our feelings its better to than let it get the better of us xx