World turned upside down
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6 weeks ago, life was looking so good, with so much to look forward to. 5 weeks ago, that all went down the drain. I was woken by police on our doorstep, who arrested my husband and searched our home for hours. They said they'd received an alert from kik that he'd uploaded a video containing iioc. All we've since found out was that it was cat A.
He swears that he has no idea what could have triggered this. He joined kik to join joke and banter pages and doesn't think he's even seen iioc, let alone a video, and let alone uploading. He deleted the kik app months ago because he said it was awful and all people did was post porn. They've got his phone and the police say its now a waiting game. He's on bail for 3 months and can't sleep at home or have unsupervised contact.
We've got a small child, and have had a call from social services but nothing further at this stage - which the police say is to be expected.
I've had to arrange with my new job to do extra work from home, so that I can do pick up and drop off at school - which we used to share - so I had to explain what was going on to them.
I don't want to see friends, because I don't want to inflict the horror that is my new life on them, and I don't want to know what they're thinking of my husband.
I've had a session of nhs cbt to deal with the anxiety and have another 5 to go, and I've got a video doorbell now to help me stop feeling jumpy when the doorbell rings.
I'm so devastated my lovely life is gone and now I'm in this hell. Every story I read on here, the man has admitted to viewing etc, but my husband swears he hasn't, whilst acknowledging that he could have accidentally clicked on something without realising (although he doesn't think even that's happened as far as he can recall)
I just don't know what to do.
He swears that he has no idea what could have triggered this. He joined kik to join joke and banter pages and doesn't think he's even seen iioc, let alone a video, and let alone uploading. He deleted the kik app months ago because he said it was awful and all people did was post porn. They've got his phone and the police say its now a waiting game. He's on bail for 3 months and can't sleep at home or have unsupervised contact.
We've got a small child, and have had a call from social services but nothing further at this stage - which the police say is to be expected.
I've had to arrange with my new job to do extra work from home, so that I can do pick up and drop off at school - which we used to share - so I had to explain what was going on to them.
I don't want to see friends, because I don't want to inflict the horror that is my new life on them, and I don't want to know what they're thinking of my husband.
I've had a session of nhs cbt to deal with the anxiety and have another 5 to go, and I've got a video doorbell now to help me stop feeling jumpy when the doorbell rings.
I'm so devastated my lovely life is gone and now I'm in this hell. Every story I read on here, the man has admitted to viewing etc, but my husband swears he hasn't, whilst acknowledging that he could have accidentally clicked on something without realising (although he doesn't think even that's happened as far as he can recall)
I just don't know what to do.
First of all keep an open mind . I'm.not saying he's lying but it's gonna be a long haul until evidence, solicitor, charges and court etc . If he's innocent he should get nfa at CPS stage . It's so unfair I know but unfortunately it's just the way this goes . Things will settle and get a little better during 'limbo' stage and you'll get used to your new normal. Second, look after you . I'm glad you've gotten help so quickly well done but if you think you're still not coping get back to your GP . Thirdly , don't tell anyone else . Only a trusted friend or family because it will blow up your life even more . We are hear for you pm me any time I'll help you best I can .take care honey x
I'm sorry you are here. It's not only a huge pressure picking up the pieces after this but also trying to get your head around the offence.
I too would suggest keeping an open mind. In truth no one can ever really be sure what someone else has done on purpose or what their intentions are, however much we search for 100% truth there will very likely be question. That cannot be answered. There may of course be evidence that the person is guilt of a crime (material found in the devices) and / or evidence that they sought this (asked, sent, had conversation) but they all too throw up a lot of questions. That might be enough for you to decide how you feel and what you'll do next.
Ive found it helpful to look at the person as a whole rather than the crime, because as I say we can never really know what is going on someones head.
I too would suggest keeping an open mind. In truth no one can ever really be sure what someone else has done on purpose or what their intentions are, however much we search for 100% truth there will very likely be question. That cannot be answered. There may of course be evidence that the person is guilt of a crime (material found in the devices) and / or evidence that they sought this (asked, sent, had conversation) but they all too throw up a lot of questions. That might be enough for you to decide how you feel and what you'll do next.
Ive found it helpful to look at the person as a whole rather than the crime, because as I say we can never really know what is going on someones head.
Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it. I'm really struggling with the limbo thing. If there was some sort of evidence or admission, that would be horrendous, obviously - but at least I have ideas of what I would do.
I struggle with wondering what I do now, how must he feel if I don't believe him or at least want to be presented with proof either way. Do I basically put my marriage on hold until that point? And won't that damage the trust forever anyway?
I struggle with wondering what I do now, how must he feel if I don't believe him or at least want to be presented with proof either way. Do I basically put my marriage on hold until that point? And won't that damage the trust forever anyway?
Living in a nightmare, I have been in the same situation for several years now, I have chosen, based on the evidence I have seen/know about that my partner did not deliberately download the material found on his computer.
I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will have to let 12 random members of the public decide whether or not he is guilty, and I am not yet entirely sure what I will do if they decide that he his. In that scenario, whatever I might think or believe, society and the law will treat him as guilty and presumably consider him a threat for years, if not indefinitely, with restrictions and monitoring placed upon him. I will have to decide if it comes to that, whether I can live with it or I need to move on.
It's a long journey, look after yourself and put yourself first, and take support from wherever you can.
I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will have to let 12 random members of the public decide whether or not he is guilty, and I am not yet entirely sure what I will do if they decide that he his. In that scenario, whatever I might think or believe, society and the law will treat him as guilty and presumably consider him a threat for years, if not indefinitely, with restrictions and monitoring placed upon him. I will have to decide if it comes to that, whether I can live with it or I need to move on.
It's a long journey, look after yourself and put yourself first, and take support from wherever you can.