Heartbreak
Notifications OFF
It will be 6 weeks this Friday since we got the knock. As you all say nothing will ever be the same again. Initially I asked my OH to leave as it was a case of choosing my family or him. We had been together for 20 years. Never in a million years would I have believed he could do such things. Did I ever really know him at all?
Over the last 5 weeks I have stayed in touch with him and tried to support him as he has no one else. In my head I kept thinking that everything would be ok and go back to how it was. That there would be no charges and he would come home. I was living in cloud cuckoo land!
Today I told my son that I was still in touch with him and he said he thought nothing good would come from it. Further down the line I would want him back and that could never happen. So despite me loving this man with all my heart today I had to take a step back and let him face whatever has to come on his own. How do you ever get over something like this? It's killing me!!
Over the last 5 weeks I have stayed in touch with him and tried to support him as he has no one else. In my head I kept thinking that everything would be ok and go back to how it was. That there would be no charges and he would come home. I was living in cloud cuckoo land!
Today I told my son that I was still in touch with him and he said he thought nothing good would come from it. Further down the line I would want him back and that could never happen. So despite me loving this man with all my heart today I had to take a step back and let him face whatever has to come on his own. How do you ever get over something like this? It's killing me!!
Dob I'm so sorry you are in this position. Hugs, big massive ones to you. In this situation I have come to learn that you are the only one walking in your shoes. You have to do what is right for you. No one else is in a position to judge any decision you make. However, it is still early days and it is very raw. Try not to make any hasty decisions right now. The dust will settle a bit. I know it doesn't seem like it will but it will.
Thinking of you x x
Thinking of you x x
Hi,
As Lois has said you have to do what is right for you. My adult and almost adult children don't have any contact with my partner and to begin with had very strong opinions on contact between myself and him and him and our young daughter. We are two months off three years since the knock now and whilst they still don't have/want contact they fully understand that they have their own lives to lead and that I have to live mine too. They talk to little one about her dad and will send me things to show him that they think he would like or find funny etc. Time is a great healer although it may not feel that way right now.
I should add that I left initially too, we still have a long way to go but I know that I've made the right decision for me and it's ok to change my mind xxx
As Lois has said you have to do what is right for you. My adult and almost adult children don't have any contact with my partner and to begin with had very strong opinions on contact between myself and him and him and our young daughter. We are two months off three years since the knock now and whilst they still don't have/want contact they fully understand that they have their own lives to lead and that I have to live mine too. They talk to little one about her dad and will send me things to show him that they think he would like or find funny etc. Time is a great healer although it may not feel that way right now.
I should add that I left initially too, we still have a long way to go but I know that I've made the right decision for me and it's ok to change my mind xxx
At almost 70 years of age I thought we would be with each other to the end. But what do you do when you have to choose between your grown up sons and your partner? Have spent the day crying as I hate the thought I have turned my back on him. I dread what may come in the future and hate the fact that this is one time he can't protect me. Between a rock and a hard place.
Distressed you are absolutely right. Time.is a healer. I have seen this first had when someone else in my life got the knock in 2016....yep that's right I've gone through this shit storm twice with 2 people close to me. It's a shame my person didn't learn from the other person's mistakes! Glad you've made a decision that's right for you though x x
Dobster,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I wanted to reach out as our timelines are very similar. I'm 7 weeks post Knock, so I'm also in the horrible early emotional rollercoaster stage like you are. I completely empathise with everything you're feeling and going through.
I completely understand those feelings of denial and thinking that everything could be okay and we'd go back to normal, whilst five minutes later having a melt down and wondering how the hell that could possibly work with all the new added uncertainty plus the betrayal of trust, whilst also feeling heartbroken and scared to leave and live a life without your OH. It's so much to deal with and I completely get it, as does everyone on this forum and you're not alone.
For me, a couple of weeks ago I decided to call time on my relationship as the anxiety around the whole situation was eating me alive. Having said that in the days that have followed the break up I've gone round and round in my head about whether it was the right decision and many times I've wondered if I've been too hasty in my decision making. As Distressed said, you're allowed to change your mind but also I think it's okay to mull things over (a lot) and sit with how you're feeling for the time being. You'll no doubt change your mind a million times over going back and forth, but ultimately only you will know what the right thing is for you and your family.
If you don't already have it, I would seek out therapy. I've found it helpful just to voice my thoughts allowed with someone.
Feel free to reach out DM me further, my inbox is always open to chat. Be kind to yourself and take care x
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I wanted to reach out as our timelines are very similar. I'm 7 weeks post Knock, so I'm also in the horrible early emotional rollercoaster stage like you are. I completely empathise with everything you're feeling and going through.
I completely understand those feelings of denial and thinking that everything could be okay and we'd go back to normal, whilst five minutes later having a melt down and wondering how the hell that could possibly work with all the new added uncertainty plus the betrayal of trust, whilst also feeling heartbroken and scared to leave and live a life without your OH. It's so much to deal with and I completely get it, as does everyone on this forum and you're not alone.
For me, a couple of weeks ago I decided to call time on my relationship as the anxiety around the whole situation was eating me alive. Having said that in the days that have followed the break up I've gone round and round in my head about whether it was the right decision and many times I've wondered if I've been too hasty in my decision making. As Distressed said, you're allowed to change your mind but also I think it's okay to mull things over (a lot) and sit with how you're feeling for the time being. You'll no doubt change your mind a million times over going back and forth, but ultimately only you will know what the right thing is for you and your family.
If you don't already have it, I would seek out therapy. I've found it helpful just to voice my thoughts allowed with someone.
Feel free to reach out DM me further, my inbox is always open to chat. Be kind to yourself and take care x
Post deleted by user
Thank you to those who replied.
River yes we seem to be going through this together. So many thoughts and tears. I wish there was a switch so you could turn off what's in your head. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning it begins. Dreading what the charges will eventually be and how you face people when it all comes out. He's on my mind every second of every day but I need to live my life without him now as the betrayal is too much.
River yes we seem to be going through this together. So many thoughts and tears. I wish there was a switch so you could turn off what's in your head. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning it begins. Dreading what the charges will eventually be and how you face people when it all comes out. He's on my mind every second of every day but I need to live my life without him now as the betrayal is too much.
Post deleted
We are also 6 weeks post knock today and he's already been sentenced and he's in prison. At first I supported him while on remand (I didn't know the full story until it hit the media) and after he got sentenced we split up. We haven't spoken in 12 days and I'm still in 2 minds, he has no one else now and I hate to think of him all alone without anyone to reach out too but I also have a young child who I have to put first. I completely understand your position and the catch 22 of it all!
Post deleted
Post deleted by user
Bitterbean, I'm struggling with the same thoughts.
My person was arrested very recently for possession of Cat A including IIOC. I do know he viewed some IIOC along with other images that fall in this bracket that are not IIOC.
Struggling to come to terms with what this means and if the taboo of it (which is what he has said is the reason) could really mean that he isn't sexually attracted to minors or if that's just a lie I'm being told. Surely viewing and getting pleasure from the IIOC does mean there's a sexual attraction?
He has been downloading Cat A from the dark web for a very long time in bulk packages and said he wasn't interested in all of it so wouldn't view those ones. But how do we know if that's true?
I'm feeling so conflicted in whether this is a porn addiction that escalated when he was very young and became habitual, or if there really is a sexual attraction there.
All of the research and papers I can find seem to link directly to the IIOC, but nothing much on mixed images that aren't IIOC and still Cat A. Does anyone know of any research papers or info about these?
My person was arrested very recently for possession of Cat A including IIOC. I do know he viewed some IIOC along with other images that fall in this bracket that are not IIOC.
Struggling to come to terms with what this means and if the taboo of it (which is what he has said is the reason) could really mean that he isn't sexually attracted to minors or if that's just a lie I'm being told. Surely viewing and getting pleasure from the IIOC does mean there's a sexual attraction?
He has been downloading Cat A from the dark web for a very long time in bulk packages and said he wasn't interested in all of it so wouldn't view those ones. But how do we know if that's true?
I'm feeling so conflicted in whether this is a porn addiction that escalated when he was very young and became habitual, or if there really is a sexual attraction there.
All of the research and papers I can find seem to link directly to the IIOC, but nothing much on mixed images that aren't IIOC and still Cat A. Does anyone know of any research papers or info about these?