Reaching out for the first time
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I'm sorry you find yourself here and well done for reaching out. There are a lot of synergies in our story - My person is currently in prison for a similar length of time, has a life time SHPO and SOR. For me I knew I wanted to support him as best as I could but I didn't know what that meant for our relationship, but I knew we wouldn't be able to have the life we were planning. Because of my age and in need of fertility treatment his sentence took that possibility out of the equation, even if I decided to leave and rebuild my life, I knew it'd take me some time to heal before I could rebuild myself and contemplate a relationship. These crimes and the lengthy waits in the justice systems really do impact more than just the offender and direct victims. I felt whatever happened, my life was temporarily on hold whilst I tried to process things.
Whilst your person's sentence is 3 years he will serve 18 months in prison and 18 months on probation in the community.
I would really recommended talking to a therapist (StopSo can put you in contact with a specialist) . There are a lot of complicated emotions and possibly a lot of external influences. They will offer a safe place to try and understand what YOU want and how YOU feel and I've found it's helped build the strength up to make decisions I feel happy with.
For me, at the moment, I've decided I want to continue supporting him and to do this as a girlfriend. However the reality of the situation I don't think has fully hit me, most of my family and friends do not know and realistically I don't know what life will be like living with his restrictions, others finding out and just living life very differently to how we imagined. I also think we could both me different people on the otherside. Just because I'm here now, it doesn't mean I will stay.
Whilst your person's sentence is 3 years he will serve 18 months in prison and 18 months on probation in the community.
I would really recommended talking to a therapist (StopSo can put you in contact with a specialist) . There are a lot of complicated emotions and possibly a lot of external influences. They will offer a safe place to try and understand what YOU want and how YOU feel and I've found it's helped build the strength up to make decisions I feel happy with.
For me, at the moment, I've decided I want to continue supporting him and to do this as a girlfriend. However the reality of the situation I don't think has fully hit me, most of my family and friends do not know and realistically I don't know what life will be like living with his restrictions, others finding out and just living life very differently to how we imagined. I also think we could both me different people on the otherside. Just because I'm here now, it doesn't mean I will stay.
Thank you SAL for your kind words.
Having already read a lot on the forum already I was actually hoping you would be someone who would reply to my post due to the similarities.
My frame of mind at the minute it so mixed due to feelings of my own family and my persons family. I think because my family see's how much I'm hurting right now they are taking that anger and pointing in my ex's direction hence them wanting me to cut all ties but it's not as straight forward as that to me. Not everything in this situation is in black and white terms and when you're trying to explain it to someone who has never experienced the things you're experiencing it comes across as trying to excuse what your person did. In no way do I condone what they did and have said in the past I am glad they were caught so their actions would come to an end. I just think about the time it happened when covid was at its peak and I couldn't see them as much due to living in separate houses and if I could have made any difference had I been present.
Regardless of whether I were to cut ties or remain in contact a new relationship of any sort, with anyone (my ex included) is far from my mind. Before the sentence we were purely focused on connecting as friends and helping them to not shut themselves away after the initial arrest over what they'd done. I'm sorry you were also put in that position in regards to having children. I'm not saying had the option been there with non of this happening that I would have had children with my ex but it just makes it that much harder when it's taken away without you being able to have the choice.
Yes I have read about serving half the sentence at home so 18 months would be the release date which still feels an age away right now. I have also read about HDC (tags) but not seen much mentioned in the forum related to this so am unsure whether this applies to the types of crime committed whether prisoner are eligible?
Thank you for you're advice about therapy I will definitely look into seeing someone. I have been lucky with some of my closest friends who have been extremely understanding of my circumstances and non judgemental towards me. I am in the unfortunate position that my work colleagues are fully aware of the situation having known my person and it's just another hurdle in all this that just makes it that much more difficult.
Like yourself I am trying to be as supportive as I am able to be by sorting out some clothes for my ex's parents to take them. I'm trying to take every day as it comes and just distract myself dispite the constant reminders of my person being absent. Thank you again for you're words and I really do hope you and you're OH are stronger on the other side as a result of all this xxx
Having already read a lot on the forum already I was actually hoping you would be someone who would reply to my post due to the similarities.
My frame of mind at the minute it so mixed due to feelings of my own family and my persons family. I think because my family see's how much I'm hurting right now they are taking that anger and pointing in my ex's direction hence them wanting me to cut all ties but it's not as straight forward as that to me. Not everything in this situation is in black and white terms and when you're trying to explain it to someone who has never experienced the things you're experiencing it comes across as trying to excuse what your person did. In no way do I condone what they did and have said in the past I am glad they were caught so their actions would come to an end. I just think about the time it happened when covid was at its peak and I couldn't see them as much due to living in separate houses and if I could have made any difference had I been present.
Regardless of whether I were to cut ties or remain in contact a new relationship of any sort, with anyone (my ex included) is far from my mind. Before the sentence we were purely focused on connecting as friends and helping them to not shut themselves away after the initial arrest over what they'd done. I'm sorry you were also put in that position in regards to having children. I'm not saying had the option been there with non of this happening that I would have had children with my ex but it just makes it that much harder when it's taken away without you being able to have the choice.
Yes I have read about serving half the sentence at home so 18 months would be the release date which still feels an age away right now. I have also read about HDC (tags) but not seen much mentioned in the forum related to this so am unsure whether this applies to the types of crime committed whether prisoner are eligible?
Thank you for you're advice about therapy I will definitely look into seeing someone. I have been lucky with some of my closest friends who have been extremely understanding of my circumstances and non judgemental towards me. I am in the unfortunate position that my work colleagues are fully aware of the situation having known my person and it's just another hurdle in all this that just makes it that much more difficult.
Like yourself I am trying to be as supportive as I am able to be by sorting out some clothes for my ex's parents to take them. I'm trying to take every day as it comes and just distract myself dispite the constant reminders of my person being absent. Thank you again for you're words and I really do hope you and you're OH are stronger on the other side as a result of all this xxx
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Parkerpoo1 thank you for your reply.
I know it's never easy to be in the position we have been forced into but I am trying to take some comfort that I am not alone in all this, and others are in similar situations finding a way through things.
Like yourself I thought a suspended sentence seemed to fit the profile for other offenders whose crimes were of a similar magnitude to my persons but I was wrong. It just seems like no matter how you try and prepare for the worst it still hits you with a sharp sting.
I similar to you ended things, but pretty early on in my case, due to my own feelings at the time. I had a past relationship where I was lied to and cheated on which my ex was aware of and knew of my insecurities. I knew I wanted to try and support them as they had no one really asside from parents.
My family knew pretty much from the beginning which in some ways maybe made things easier not having to hide things. When he was initially arrested I was living with my family so it made things difficult to hide.
I'm so sorry that the calls are making you feel that way. Is there no way of telling him how you feel and maybe suggesting less calls to better your own mental health? Honestly you are so strong for even being able to take one phone call in my eyes. I haven't spoken to my person yet. They have spoken with their parents but that's about it. I'm just really conflicted with my family situation right now and that if I take a phone call from my ex my family will cut me off. I love my family so much and hate that this ultimatum is being placed on me which is a loose loose situation on my part. No offence intended in what I say next but I feel as though your person is putting a great deal of pressure on your shoulders by expecting you to not only save money for them and to be able to sell up and start a fresh upon their release. I think this is expecting a lot considering what you have been forced to experience already. I'm not really savy with house related issues but isn't there someone legal wise you could discuss your rights with? I know your person will need funds to begin again after all this but surely there can be some form of arrangements made that don't totally uproot your life?
I really hope your situation improves and you find yourself in a stronger place xxx
I know it's never easy to be in the position we have been forced into but I am trying to take some comfort that I am not alone in all this, and others are in similar situations finding a way through things.
Like yourself I thought a suspended sentence seemed to fit the profile for other offenders whose crimes were of a similar magnitude to my persons but I was wrong. It just seems like no matter how you try and prepare for the worst it still hits you with a sharp sting.
I similar to you ended things, but pretty early on in my case, due to my own feelings at the time. I had a past relationship where I was lied to and cheated on which my ex was aware of and knew of my insecurities. I knew I wanted to try and support them as they had no one really asside from parents.
My family knew pretty much from the beginning which in some ways maybe made things easier not having to hide things. When he was initially arrested I was living with my family so it made things difficult to hide.
I'm so sorry that the calls are making you feel that way. Is there no way of telling him how you feel and maybe suggesting less calls to better your own mental health? Honestly you are so strong for even being able to take one phone call in my eyes. I haven't spoken to my person yet. They have spoken with their parents but that's about it. I'm just really conflicted with my family situation right now and that if I take a phone call from my ex my family will cut me off. I love my family so much and hate that this ultimatum is being placed on me which is a loose loose situation on my part. No offence intended in what I say next but I feel as though your person is putting a great deal of pressure on your shoulders by expecting you to not only save money for them and to be able to sell up and start a fresh upon their release. I think this is expecting a lot considering what you have been forced to experience already. I'm not really savy with house related issues but isn't there someone legal wise you could discuss your rights with? I know your person will need funds to begin again after all this but surely there can be some form of arrangements made that don't totally uproot your life?
I really hope your situation improves and you find yourself in a stronger place xxx
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I can completely understand that. It's enough just trying to process everything that is currently going on without putting more on top of it.
I know it's hard as you are trying your best to support him but there is a point where you may have to put his needs asside to focus more on your own well-being. I say that in the nicest possible way as it really does sound like you have had a terrible time with all this. Being rather new to the prison side of things but being two years in I know that thinking of yourself does tend to be pushed asside over what you feel is needed from you by your person which, in hindsight on my part, I feel I may have neglected myself in a way. From the way you talk you come across as emphatic to his potential situation upon his release, is he as empathic to yours? Does he show concern how you will be affected if selling the house does come to pass?
I can totally understand how things look bleak I am there right now feeling every emotion under the sun from one moment to the next. And just know it's ok to feel those emotions because you have every right to be angry if that's what you feel. Uncertainty is bound to cloud your mind in regards to your future but just try to take it a day at a time and keep in the present and look after yourself xxx
I know it's hard as you are trying your best to support him but there is a point where you may have to put his needs asside to focus more on your own well-being. I say that in the nicest possible way as it really does sound like you have had a terrible time with all this. Being rather new to the prison side of things but being two years in I know that thinking of yourself does tend to be pushed asside over what you feel is needed from you by your person which, in hindsight on my part, I feel I may have neglected myself in a way. From the way you talk you come across as emphatic to his potential situation upon his release, is he as empathic to yours? Does he show concern how you will be affected if selling the house does come to pass?
I can totally understand how things look bleak I am there right now feeling every emotion under the sun from one moment to the next. And just know it's ok to feel those emotions because you have every right to be angry if that's what you feel. Uncertainty is bound to cloud your mind in regards to your future but just try to take it a day at a time and keep in the present and look after yourself xxx