Are my feelings normal?!
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Hi,
2 weeks ago tomorrow we had the 'knock' on the door from 8 plain clothed police offers suspecting my Husband of viewing indecent images. Sadly my 3 young children were in the house at the time which was horrific.
I had no idea why they were there and for 30 minutes was made to stay in the living room with the children screaming. In the meantime 4 more arrived to help go through my house. Eventually, after hearing my eldest child have a huge meltdown they let me out to get them sorted for school (we went to my in-laws!) and I got a slight idea of what had gone on and to this day I am still not 100% sure. To start with if I could have got to a knife I probably would have killed him but now, 2 weeks later I seem to have gone through every emotion possible and I don't like it! I have never cried so much but the tears are becoming less frequent (although daily) and I am not sure if that is because I am putting what he did to the back of my mind and am focused on protecting the life out of my children and helping him with his severe addiction to extreme porn.
We speak more now than we have done over the past 16 years as he is 300 miles away from home as I cannot have social services totally take over my life. He says (and the police confirmed) he had been on an app called KIK and was sent an image/s when speaking to men about extreme porn. He then disgustingly continued to go into detail about what he would do etc. Nobody has confirmed how many images were viewed but he insists he never saved any or shared them to other people and I don't know the details of what he actually said but the arresting officer (who has been so so lovely) said it made 'for a grim read' - the point I am trying to get at here really is I feel disgusted with myself for even being nice to him let alone having a feeling of wanting to stay married. Confused about being confused!
How many of you have stayed with your partners after finding this out? my life is in shreds and there are so many elements to put back together I have no idea how I will do this without the whole (nosey and opinionated!) community finding out and to keep them from my children who I want to take away from here forever so they don't have to face it all. They are 4,7 and 12.
Hopefully tonight is the night that I wake from the nightmare and it's not real.
2 weeks ago tomorrow we had the 'knock' on the door from 8 plain clothed police offers suspecting my Husband of viewing indecent images. Sadly my 3 young children were in the house at the time which was horrific.
I had no idea why they were there and for 30 minutes was made to stay in the living room with the children screaming. In the meantime 4 more arrived to help go through my house. Eventually, after hearing my eldest child have a huge meltdown they let me out to get them sorted for school (we went to my in-laws!) and I got a slight idea of what had gone on and to this day I am still not 100% sure. To start with if I could have got to a knife I probably would have killed him but now, 2 weeks later I seem to have gone through every emotion possible and I don't like it! I have never cried so much but the tears are becoming less frequent (although daily) and I am not sure if that is because I am putting what he did to the back of my mind and am focused on protecting the life out of my children and helping him with his severe addiction to extreme porn.
We speak more now than we have done over the past 16 years as he is 300 miles away from home as I cannot have social services totally take over my life. He says (and the police confirmed) he had been on an app called KIK and was sent an image/s when speaking to men about extreme porn. He then disgustingly continued to go into detail about what he would do etc. Nobody has confirmed how many images were viewed but he insists he never saved any or shared them to other people and I don't know the details of what he actually said but the arresting officer (who has been so so lovely) said it made 'for a grim read' - the point I am trying to get at here really is I feel disgusted with myself for even being nice to him let alone having a feeling of wanting to stay married. Confused about being confused!
How many of you have stayed with your partners after finding this out? my life is in shreds and there are so many elements to put back together I have no idea how I will do this without the whole (nosey and opinionated!) community finding out and to keep them from my children who I want to take away from here forever so they don't have to face it all. They are 4,7 and 12.
Hopefully tonight is the night that I wake from the nightmare and it's not real.
just an edit, my husband wasn't arrested and went with them as a voluntary attendee and was only spoken to for 30 minutes.
They also missed a lot of equipment such as a laptop, an ipad, 5 memory cards, 2 tablets and an ipod which has concerned me!
They also missed a lot of equipment such as a laptop, an ipad, 5 memory cards, 2 tablets and an ipod which has concerned me!
First Im so sorry for what your going through and with the children. Its been nearly 7 months for me and luckily i was in work when it happened and our daughter with my parents (although plain dresses officers then came to my work place which wasnt fun)
Id say what your feeling is normal your emotions will be up and down and raw for a while. I still break down in tears at time now. Very similarly my husband moved straight out and social services became involved very much in our case.
I will say in thr beginning its really difficult to decide what you want to do long term. I didnt want to divorce my husband but felt that he couldnt live with us and last 2 weeks ago I did file for divorce because for me I need to have that break especially finding out all the details of what what he did.
As for the community finding out i was told by the police just to tell people it was a domestic especially while they were still building a case. My husband wasnt charged until 3 months after the knock. And even now most people are unaware. Ive finally found myself able to have told my 3 oldest friends but none of my other friends know what has happened only that he is in prison. My work also are aware and are very supportive.
Ive found personally that i go from upset to angry to disbelieving to blaming myself then hating him. Ive known him 17 years and still cant believe that he is capable of what hes done. I was told by social services that my emotions would be worse in line with the 1sts as well which is true. Ive just had our wedding anniversary and my birthday and found them to be extrenly difficult times. But it does get better. I think the best advice Ive had is think of it like a bereavement because youve lost the relationship you had and your in an unknown difficult situation.
I dont know if that helps at all
Id say what your feeling is normal your emotions will be up and down and raw for a while. I still break down in tears at time now. Very similarly my husband moved straight out and social services became involved very much in our case.
I will say in thr beginning its really difficult to decide what you want to do long term. I didnt want to divorce my husband but felt that he couldnt live with us and last 2 weeks ago I did file for divorce because for me I need to have that break especially finding out all the details of what what he did.
As for the community finding out i was told by the police just to tell people it was a domestic especially while they were still building a case. My husband wasnt charged until 3 months after the knock. And even now most people are unaware. Ive finally found myself able to have told my 3 oldest friends but none of my other friends know what has happened only that he is in prison. My work also are aware and are very supportive.
Ive found personally that i go from upset to angry to disbelieving to blaming myself then hating him. Ive known him 17 years and still cant believe that he is capable of what hes done. I was told by social services that my emotions would be worse in line with the 1sts as well which is true. Ive just had our wedding anniversary and my birthday and found them to be extrenly difficult times. But it does get better. I think the best advice Ive had is think of it like a bereavement because youve lost the relationship you had and your in an unknown difficult situation.
I dont know if that helps at all
Hi there, I’m in exactly the same position, 3 children, similar ages, not sure what to do and desperately trying to keep a roof over our heads. I too am very confused and not eating or sleeping very much but trying to get every available bit of help. This feels like a nightmare I can’t wake up from and I very much appreciate the support of you on the forum, I’ve never felt so confused or scared and I will do all I can to make sure my children are provided for. Let’s stick together and get through this.
Your feelings are totally normal. For months I woke up thinking I had just had a nightmare, only to realise I WAS IN the nightmare. (My story is on the getting divorced thread). I immediately parted from my partner of many years, and at the start I couldn’t even look at him let alone talk to him. I am finding it helpful to read Paula Halls book for partners. All I can say is that your emotions will change from day to day. Mine range from hate to compassion (my partner has lost everything including his grown up kids) repulsion, sadness, anger, bewilderment (our relationship had never been better, we were due to marry. Was this downloading of indecent images some kind of self sabotage?). I’ve also found it helpful to write about my feelings and the day to day unfolding of events in a journal.) and I see a therapist. At least at this stage of my life I only have myself to care about, no young children. I can only imagine how that must be. You will get through this because you have no choice. What you are going through is huge. In the past couple of weeks I have had coffee and a meal with my ex. Our relationship ended with the knock. Whether it will morph into some sort of ‘friendhip’ Has yet to be seen. Look after yourself. And keep in touch x
Hello KLK. Firstly I want to say that there is a whole community of partners on the forum who are here for you. We are sadly in a club that no-one wants to be in, but we are forced to deal with one of the most distressing things that can happen in a marriage. I had the knock at the door 10 months ago, and it was a total and utter shock for me...I had absolutely no idea. In those 10 months we have been through the legal process, my husband has lost his job, our marriage is in tatters and our adult chilcren are struggling to cope. But having said all that I am still with him. We have been married for over 30 years and I know that he is a good man. That may sound deluded to some people, but the main thing I have learnt about sexual offening is that normal, decent people can get drawn in for various and complicated reasons. Good people can do bad things. The reason we are still together is that from day one he was honest and open, and has actively engaged with every type of help available. You know your partner and you must listen to your heart. I won't pretend it's been easy to stay together and I don't have young children at home which has made a huge difference. The consequences of this behaviour are massive - criminal record, possible loss of income, difficulties travelling abroad, being on sex offenders register...the list goes on, so you must eventually decide if you face it together or break free and build a new life. You need to give yourself time to recover from the shock..things will get easier but it takes time. I urge you to go on a Lucy Faithfull 'Inform' course for partners of offenders (and your partner should do the 'Inform Plus' course). It gave me so much support and information, and the ability to talk openly about what had happened with the only prople who could understand. I have also made such good friends through the course. Finally I would just be careful who you tell in the first few weeks while you are still in shock. I wanted support so badly that I was tempted to tell friends, but I am now really glad that I didn't (apart from one who I knew would keep it to themselves). You don't know how people are going to react or who they might tell. You absolutley need to talk to one or two trusted people, but choose them wisely! I wish you strength and hugs through the next few months. You will emerge eventually and may even develop a better relationship at the end of it. Sending you love, Sophie.
SophieT - I just want to say a huge thank you for your post, it was exactly what I needed to read today. My partner and I had a really bad weekend (a big argument over nothing, ultimately!) and emotions are still running high today.
Like you, I know that my partner is a good man at heart and it hurts to see him beating himself up every single day for what he has done and the impact it has had on me and his parents. We had a whole future planned out together - plans to buy a house next year, talking about having children and getting married... all that seems a world away now and I have so many doubts and uncertainties about my future. Knowing that this community exists and there are others who have been through all this and made it out the other side in some way (either on your own or with the offending partner/son/father), gives me immense strength.
Thank you all for sharing and supporting one another <3
Like you, I know that my partner is a good man at heart and it hurts to see him beating himself up every single day for what he has done and the impact it has had on me and his parents. We had a whole future planned out together - plans to buy a house next year, talking about having children and getting married... all that seems a world away now and I have so many doubts and uncertainties about my future. Knowing that this community exists and there are others who have been through all this and made it out the other side in some way (either on your own or with the offending partner/son/father), gives me immense strength.
Thank you all for sharing and supporting one another <3
Thank you so much for your replies. It really does help reading them.
I just feel like I am not normal for wanting to stay with him, 3 weeks ago, I'd have been really negatively judgemental about someone like me who would stay with someone who could do such an awful thing. Here I am nearly 3 weeks on trying to justify why I want to stay with him.
The Stop It guys explained him as the pizza analogy which was great as it is so true BUT the 1 bit of bad pizza isn't just slightly off is it? it's the mankiest of manky ever!!! My Husband is getting all the help he can for his sex addiction and depression which is what he says led him to this place which he is finding really helpful. Meanwhile, whilst I am here with the kids, dealing with Social Services, working full time and trying to keep it all together, he is having an easy life (as such!) at his parent's miles and miles away. I almost feel like I am being punished!!
I need a timescale yet the police won't even attempt to give me one and said I just need to sit tight and keep my head down for mine and the kid's sake. I am really hoping (rather naively!) that they will just give him a caution and he will be on the SOR and it won't go to court so my kids do not have to suffer. We live in such a small community that we would have to move. We wouldn't have a choice in the matter. My Son has severe anxiety issues and when the police came he was beside himself, so much so, it really upset the DI who came. She couldn't apologize enough. I am hoping she has a heart and will think of him more than making my Husband pay severely. I very very much doubt it though!
On a much more negative side, my appetite is coming back, KEEP ME AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I just feel like I am not normal for wanting to stay with him, 3 weeks ago, I'd have been really negatively judgemental about someone like me who would stay with someone who could do such an awful thing. Here I am nearly 3 weeks on trying to justify why I want to stay with him.
The Stop It guys explained him as the pizza analogy which was great as it is so true BUT the 1 bit of bad pizza isn't just slightly off is it? it's the mankiest of manky ever!!! My Husband is getting all the help he can for his sex addiction and depression which is what he says led him to this place which he is finding really helpful. Meanwhile, whilst I am here with the kids, dealing with Social Services, working full time and trying to keep it all together, he is having an easy life (as such!) at his parent's miles and miles away. I almost feel like I am being punished!!
I need a timescale yet the police won't even attempt to give me one and said I just need to sit tight and keep my head down for mine and the kid's sake. I am really hoping (rather naively!) that they will just give him a caution and he will be on the SOR and it won't go to court so my kids do not have to suffer. We live in such a small community that we would have to move. We wouldn't have a choice in the matter. My Son has severe anxiety issues and when the police came he was beside himself, so much so, it really upset the DI who came. She couldn't apologize enough. I am hoping she has a heart and will think of him more than making my Husband pay severely. I very very much doubt it though!
On a much more negative side, my appetite is coming back, KEEP ME AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
KLK I understand how you feel - a couple of months ago I’d have been mortified at the idea of staying with someone who has done such things. I still am to a degree - please do not think I am downplaying his behaviour! However from all the reading I’ve done, the calls with Stop it now, and the work my partner is doing to address his behaviour, I can now understand why partner’s may want to stand by their offending partner. I’m still in the process of drawing my boundaries - if my partner is sent to prison, I think I will need to end the relationship; if he has been dishonest about any of his behaviours and has not disclosed things, then I also think I would have to draw a line - but for now at least he seems to have been honest, has owned up to his behaviour and knows that what he has done is unacceptable and he wants to address his underlying issues which led him to this. I can only hope your situation goes as smoothly as possible - I think honesty is certainly helpful.
Hi KLK
it was kik that my husband started on, from talking in chat rooms about sex and stuff and that led down the rabbit hole to him talking to what he thought was an adult, but then said they were a child (actually was a vigilante adult), but he didn’t stop talking to them. He had lots of images sent to him and also said he hadn’t viewed most of them and had not sent them on (police were unable to verify what he had and hadn’t looked at but confirmed they had not been distributed). I think this kik site is dangerous and people don’t know what they are getting themselves into. My husband said he never went looking for children, was just the adult kinky sex talk but got sort of pushed in that direction. I have to believe this as it was so out of character from him and my kids friends have said he never made them feel uncomfortable or crossed the line with them. My kids are older so not at risk but if social services had said I would lose them if I stayed with him then I would have been gone in a heartbeat. As it is I am staying (for now) as I am worried about his mental health and his parents who live with us and the kids want to support him.
it was kik that my husband started on, from talking in chat rooms about sex and stuff and that led down the rabbit hole to him talking to what he thought was an adult, but then said they were a child (actually was a vigilante adult), but he didn’t stop talking to them. He had lots of images sent to him and also said he hadn’t viewed most of them and had not sent them on (police were unable to verify what he had and hadn’t looked at but confirmed they had not been distributed). I think this kik site is dangerous and people don’t know what they are getting themselves into. My husband said he never went looking for children, was just the adult kinky sex talk but got sort of pushed in that direction. I have to believe this as it was so out of character from him and my kids friends have said he never made them feel uncomfortable or crossed the line with them. My kids are older so not at risk but if social services had said I would lose them if I stayed with him then I would have been gone in a heartbeat. As it is I am staying (for now) as I am worried about his mental health and his parents who live with us and the kids want to support him.
I also wanted to say they I am the same, I still love him and beat myself up over being able to love someone who could do this. He has always been a good person, a good husband and father to the kids which is why it is so hard. I am being judged by my friends and lising my job for staying but I won’t be forced into making the decision to leave. In the middle of the court case was my silver wedding anniversary and it broke my heart. We have been together for 28 years and I know he’s a good man, he got a suspended sentence (so take heart, this was due to cooperating and a guilty plea). He doesn’t know why he did it and is working with probation but depression played a big part.
if he lied further or reoffended that would be the end for me.
It upsets me to see him hurting still as well, he always had a great relationship with our daughter but that has changed now, she still lives him but won’t even hug him or spend time with him, he realised the impact it will have with any grandchildren we have, even little things like an estate agent wouldn’t sell the house for us because it might damage their reputation etc. He found out the other day he wouldn’t ever be able to go to the USA again and means he would never be able to take his grandkids to Disney... silly things but they make him realise the impact his actions had and will be more of a punishment than anything the criminal justice system do.
Does any one else also feel like it is their fault, if they had been a better wife, noticed what was happening earlier and stopped it, if they had noticed how bad the depression had got (he said it was work stuff), if we had sex more often etc etc... I do and I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help it
if he lied further or reoffended that would be the end for me.
It upsets me to see him hurting still as well, he always had a great relationship with our daughter but that has changed now, she still lives him but won’t even hug him or spend time with him, he realised the impact it will have with any grandchildren we have, even little things like an estate agent wouldn’t sell the house for us because it might damage their reputation etc. He found out the other day he wouldn’t ever be able to go to the USA again and means he would never be able to take his grandkids to Disney... silly things but they make him realise the impact his actions had and will be more of a punishment than anything the criminal justice system do.
Does any one else also feel like it is their fault, if they had been a better wife, noticed what was happening earlier and stopped it, if they had noticed how bad the depression had got (he said it was work stuff), if we had sex more often etc etc... I do and I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help it
I absolutely understand what you are you saying. I feel so guilty and feel that there must have been something I could have done to stop him. If I was enough for him and if I made him happy this never would have happened.
Living for the KLK comment keep me away from the chocolate.. Shouldn't joke in such a dark topic forum but hey ill take a laugh where I can get it...
Hi
kik is the devils spawn and should be shut down..my husband downloaded it last year to chat to others, next thing someone sends him a puesdo image, he deleted it but left application open, next thing there's thousands of iioc sent to his phone.
now 12 months later we're still no further forward..he's not able to be at home yet, may not even be here for Xmas unless SW finishes what she needs to do with me..I'm so angry with him for going anywhere near that god forsaken site.
emotions are all over the place..so many if's but's and why's..
of course I blamed myself and in some ways still do, but I choose to stand by him and some may not understand why.
Your feelings are normal.
it leaves you feeling that the life you will have to have from now on is going to be far from the life that you had.
I wish you well xx
kik is the devils spawn and should be shut down..my husband downloaded it last year to chat to others, next thing someone sends him a puesdo image, he deleted it but left application open, next thing there's thousands of iioc sent to his phone.
now 12 months later we're still no further forward..he's not able to be at home yet, may not even be here for Xmas unless SW finishes what she needs to do with me..I'm so angry with him for going anywhere near that god forsaken site.
emotions are all over the place..so many if's but's and why's..
of course I blamed myself and in some ways still do, but I choose to stand by him and some may not understand why.
Your feelings are normal.
it leaves you feeling that the life you will have to have from now on is going to be far from the life that you had.
I wish you well xx