Has anyone stopped contact?
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My ex was arrested back in 2020 for downloading indecent images, turns out despite only being 22 at the time he had been doing it for years. Our Son was 3 at the time. My initial reaction was that he would never see our Son again but SS convinced me the right thing was to allow supervised contact. He went to crown court and was given a suspended sentance so was free with weekly probation visits and had to attend various courses such as victim impact.
For the past 3 years he had our Son for the day a few Weekends a month supervised by his parents and sister and would visit our home most weekdays supervised by me, they had a great relationship and I was happy with the arrangement. I had always made it very clear though that he had to remain in therapy, attending his groups and obviously could not offend again.
A month ago he was arrested for a second time, he had been viewing images again. He is now on bail awaiting a second crown court date, I cannot believe it. I have cut off all contact and have not let him see or speak to my Son who is now nearly 7. I believe that he has chosen this over his child and doesnt deserve a third chance, however I am so worried on the impact this will have on my Son who is used to seeing his Dad everyday.
Has anyone else cut off contact completely?
For the past 3 years he had our Son for the day a few Weekends a month supervised by his parents and sister and would visit our home most weekdays supervised by me, they had a great relationship and I was happy with the arrangement. I had always made it very clear though that he had to remain in therapy, attending his groups and obviously could not offend again.
A month ago he was arrested for a second time, he had been viewing images again. He is now on bail awaiting a second crown court date, I cannot believe it. I have cut off all contact and have not let him see or speak to my Son who is now nearly 7. I believe that he has chosen this over his child and doesnt deserve a third chance, however I am so worried on the impact this will have on my Son who is used to seeing his Dad everyday.
Has anyone else cut off contact completely?
Each person has to make the decision right for their situation
we went from a "normal" house to him being arrested. The children have seen him limited times on zoom (due to lots of reasons) and once in a contact centre. They were 6. That is now 2 years ago
my situation is complex
the children have done amazing and in my case, are better off without contact. For some that may be unfair but... the issues are complex, what I found out as part of the case means that in my case... this is appropriate on many levels
we went from a "normal" house to him being arrested. The children have seen him limited times on zoom (due to lots of reasons) and once in a contact centre. They were 6. That is now 2 years ago
my situation is complex
the children have done amazing and in my case, are better off without contact. For some that may be unfair but... the issues are complex, what I found out as part of the case means that in my case... this is appropriate on many levels
Hi,
I couldn't read and not respond. I haven't stopped contact so have no lived experience of that. I have said that if he ever offends again he wouldn't see our daughter and it is something I have given a great deal of thought to so that it isn't an empty threat. Has your son asked any questions in the month that he hasn't seen his dad? There is a post on the forum but I can't remember what section titled telling children. This may have something useful for you around an age appropriate way to explain to your son. I'm a firm believer in giving as honest an answer as you can given the child's age and level of understanding. It will take the mystery away as he gets older so he knows that you have stopped contact to protect him from the emotional repercussions of being let down by his dad further down the line. If you post on the discussion and support section you may get more responses. Sending love and strength xxx
I couldn't read and not respond. I haven't stopped contact so have no lived experience of that. I have said that if he ever offends again he wouldn't see our daughter and it is something I have given a great deal of thought to so that it isn't an empty threat. Has your son asked any questions in the month that he hasn't seen his dad? There is a post on the forum but I can't remember what section titled telling children. This may have something useful for you around an age appropriate way to explain to your son. I'm a firm believer in giving as honest an answer as you can given the child's age and level of understanding. It will take the mystery away as he gets older so he knows that you have stopped contact to protect him from the emotional repercussions of being let down by his dad further down the line. If you post on the discussion and support section you may get more responses. Sending love and strength xxx
Jade I feel so sad to read your post and that you have had to go through this twice.
All I can say is that everyone's situation is different and only you can know what is the right thing to do in your situation.
My experience so far, and I'm relatively early in the process (ours seems to on slow motion) is that sometimes when we have choices in this situation, none of them seems very attractive and all of them are painful in some way. But that's how life is with things. Wishing you all the best.
All I can say is that everyone's situation is different and only you can know what is the right thing to do in your situation.
My experience so far, and I'm relatively early in the process (ours seems to on slow motion) is that sometimes when we have choices in this situation, none of them seems very attractive and all of them are painful in some way. But that's how life is with things. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Jade
Just wanted to offer some support. My partner (now ex) is on his 3rd investigation and looks like he could be prosecuted finally.
so it's now over for us. They are not his children so makes it a little easier for me/us, but I have decided this is not a life I want to be part of anymore.
feel free to private message me x
Just wanted to offer some support. My partner (now ex) is on his 3rd investigation and looks like he could be prosecuted finally.
so it's now over for us. They are not his children so makes it a little easier for me/us, but I have decided this is not a life I want to be part of anymore.
feel free to private message me x
Hi Jade,
I've recently stopped contact with SS advice as ex is being manipulative and awful towards me. He was threatening me with court which SS said to stop contact and let him take me. We had a great friend relationship until I said I was moving on, then it became vile. My child is very young and while I've said for a while he deserves a relationship with them, I don't actually think he does. And if it doesn't go to court, I will still always tell them who their Dad is and they can make the decision for themselves.
I've recently stopped contact with SS advice as ex is being manipulative and awful towards me. He was threatening me with court which SS said to stop contact and let him take me. We had a great friend relationship until I said I was moving on, then it became vile. My child is very young and while I've said for a while he deserves a relationship with them, I don't actually think he does. And if it doesn't go to court, I will still always tell them who their Dad is and they can make the decision for themselves.
Please note - my comment applies to me personally and not a general opinion.
my son is the offender, he has put us through hell and I have given him a chance being the only person to support him. I feel I would loose contact with him if he ever slipped back into his past behaviour. I've told him this.
my son is the offender, he has put us through hell and I have given him a chance being the only person to support him. I feel I would loose contact with him if he ever slipped back into his past behaviour. I've told him this.
Hi Jade,
Can't believe you have not only gone through this once, but twice! How could someone do this to you and your child again?? Personally, I think a 3rd chance would go against everything you're thinking just now. Trust your gut and instinct as a mother. I would struggle to ever understand why someone under investigation (considering the trauma that you have undergone) would re-offend. Unless he is in fact a risk, and cannot control his behaviour. And that scares me.
I hope you are OK.
K x
Can't believe you have not only gone through this once, but twice! How could someone do this to you and your child again?? Personally, I think a 3rd chance would go against everything you're thinking just now. Trust your gut and instinct as a mother. I would struggle to ever understand why someone under investigation (considering the trauma that you have undergone) would re-offend. Unless he is in fact a risk, and cannot control his behaviour. And that scares me.
I hope you are OK.
K x
Thank you for all your responses
it's been coming up to 9 months now since my ex's second offence and since his last contact with my son (7)
unfortunately time hasn't healed anything for my son who is still suffering badly with the sudden disappearance of his dad and I'm worried I've done the wrong thing
Aside from the obvious issues that have landed us here in the first place, he was a very hands on dad and they were very close and did everything together and spent every day together
My son is still getting upset and persistently bringing up that he misses daddy and he wants to see daddy again and it's breaking my heart, it's got to the point where the school have contacted me to tell me he's getting upset at school and talking about missing daddy
I was told the best thing to do was be honest with him so I told him that daddy was in trouble with the police, but now he's begging to go to the police station and ask them for him back
At a loss really!
it's been coming up to 9 months now since my ex's second offence and since his last contact with my son (7)
unfortunately time hasn't healed anything for my son who is still suffering badly with the sudden disappearance of his dad and I'm worried I've done the wrong thing
Aside from the obvious issues that have landed us here in the first place, he was a very hands on dad and they were very close and did everything together and spent every day together
My son is still getting upset and persistently bringing up that he misses daddy and he wants to see daddy again and it's breaking my heart, it's got to the point where the school have contacted me to tell me he's getting upset at school and talking about missing daddy
I was told the best thing to do was be honest with him so I told him that daddy was in trouble with the police, but now he's begging to go to the police station and ask them for him back
At a loss really!
Hi,
The only thing I can think of is to contact children seen and heard who may be able to offer guidance and resources to help you to explain to your son. I'm so sorry that you're still going through this xxx
The only thing I can think of is to contact children seen and heard who may be able to offer guidance and resources to help you to explain to your son. I'm so sorry that you're still going through this xxx
Hi Jade,
As a social worker we usually recommend the continuation of some form of contact wherever it's safe to do so, because it can emotionally harm children not to see their parent. A sudden disappearance will be hard to process for him, and he may feel confused, rejected, scared...etc, especially now he knows the police are involved.
It may be worth exploring some therapy for him such as play therapy to help understand his feelings. School might be able to help you find this
Re contact, only you can make a choice, you need, perhaps alongside social services, to consider what is the greater harm to your son - seeing him father, or not seeing him? What are the risks and benefits of each? Make your decision based on this. If it's too dangerous for him to see his father, you will need to take advice on how to explain this to him.in an age appropriate way so his emotions can be supported.
The most important thing is to make a child focused decision, take out your own feelings and his dad's feelings and focus on the child at the centre
Hope thats helpful
As a social worker we usually recommend the continuation of some form of contact wherever it's safe to do so, because it can emotionally harm children not to see their parent. A sudden disappearance will be hard to process for him, and he may feel confused, rejected, scared...etc, especially now he knows the police are involved.
It may be worth exploring some therapy for him such as play therapy to help understand his feelings. School might be able to help you find this
Re contact, only you can make a choice, you need, perhaps alongside social services, to consider what is the greater harm to your son - seeing him father, or not seeing him? What are the risks and benefits of each? Make your decision based on this. If it's too dangerous for him to see his father, you will need to take advice on how to explain this to him.in an age appropriate way so his emotions can be supported.
The most important thing is to make a child focused decision, take out your own feelings and his dad's feelings and focus on the child at the centre
Hope thats helpful
I am pregnant. I'm not allowing him to have a bond. It's different if they have a bond with their Parent but bc of the whole double life he had (even taking cocaine at work I later find out). I've seen his parenting skills with his toddler and he'd rather sit on his phone.
There is NO way on this earth I would trust him with my child. He speeds, he lies, takes drugs, is a fantasist and can barely look after himself let alone a child.
I absolutely won't comply with social if they say he's to meet baby. I don't want anything from him, he lives an hour away so I just hope he forgets I ever existed. It's the least he can do. He's 33 now and has been into various crimes since he was a kid. He's not going to change.
There is NO way on this earth I would trust him with my child. He speeds, he lies, takes drugs, is a fantasist and can barely look after himself let alone a child.
I absolutely won't comply with social if they say he's to meet baby. I don't want anything from him, he lives an hour away so I just hope he forgets I ever existed. It's the least he can do. He's 33 now and has been into various crimes since he was a kid. He's not going to change.