Five weeks in
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I had the knock about five weeks ago now and I just can't believe this is real life.
I am now living separately to my husband as I was too shocked to be around him and I didn't want to make any hasty decisions. I think this saved both of us but has been so hard.
He is an extremely high risk of self harm and suicide (long term mental health issues, now I wonder how connected to his addiction) so is getting a great amount of support. He has therapy, GP help, courses with Stop It Now and local crisis groups. Also his parents have been incredible, taking him in and caring for him. He has had to quit his job and both his best friend and brother aren't talking to him so I'm very worried.
We haven't seen each other since the day and neither of us are ready to meet but it's so hard being apart.
I am still so angry, confused, hurt etc. I love him and have for 12 years but I can't see myself staying right now. The lies for our entire relationship (he admitted to looking at images since before we met) and the risk he put me in is scary.
Not sure what this post is about. I journal every day and it's all just rambling.
I see so many amazing women here staying. It helps as I don't feel completely crazy for considering it. Everyone around me wants me to just leave but it's not so simple. I also have to pick apart staying just because I feel guilty as that's not fair to either of us.
I'm not making any permanent decisions and i know it's still fresh. How long did any of you take to make your decision?
I am now living separately to my husband as I was too shocked to be around him and I didn't want to make any hasty decisions. I think this saved both of us but has been so hard.
He is an extremely high risk of self harm and suicide (long term mental health issues, now I wonder how connected to his addiction) so is getting a great amount of support. He has therapy, GP help, courses with Stop It Now and local crisis groups. Also his parents have been incredible, taking him in and caring for him. He has had to quit his job and both his best friend and brother aren't talking to him so I'm very worried.
We haven't seen each other since the day and neither of us are ready to meet but it's so hard being apart.
I am still so angry, confused, hurt etc. I love him and have for 12 years but I can't see myself staying right now. The lies for our entire relationship (he admitted to looking at images since before we met) and the risk he put me in is scary.
Not sure what this post is about. I journal every day and it's all just rambling.
I see so many amazing women here staying. It helps as I don't feel completely crazy for considering it. Everyone around me wants me to just leave but it's not so simple. I also have to pick apart staying just because I feel guilty as that's not fair to either of us.
I'm not making any permanent decisions and i know it's still fresh. How long did any of you take to make your decision?
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Thanks Blue Sky. It's so strange isn't it.
It's been extra hard as his entire family found out by accident (I'm so angry at someone for talking). But I'm not telling people unless they need to know.
All the best x
It's been extra hard as his entire family found out by accident (I'm so angry at someone for talking). But I'm not telling people unless they need to know.
All the best x
Hi
I'm really new here myself, so I don't have any great wisdom but I can tell you where things currently stand with my bf. We'd been dating for 6months (not living together) when he told me about his past. He was convicted, fined and is on the SOR for four more years.
The kicker for me has been he only told me about it because the police had told him he had to and if he didn't they would. He had six months and there were multiple occasions that could have been a starting point for the conversation to be had, but he didn't take them. Addiction itself is not a red line issue for me in a relationship if someone is actively working on it. However by progressing our relationship and not telling me everytime it progressed he was sticking his head in the sand and hoping the bad stuff would go away. That is an addicts way of thinking, and as long as he is in the addicts mindset we can't have a relationship.
I'm keeping in contact though because I am worried that he will try suicide, and he doesn't have a strong support circle here. So I have told him that I can be his friend and no-more at this point. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I know the cirucmstances are not the same, but I hope that might be helpful.
Many thanks
I'm really new here myself, so I don't have any great wisdom but I can tell you where things currently stand with my bf. We'd been dating for 6months (not living together) when he told me about his past. He was convicted, fined and is on the SOR for four more years.
The kicker for me has been he only told me about it because the police had told him he had to and if he didn't they would. He had six months and there were multiple occasions that could have been a starting point for the conversation to be had, but he didn't take them. Addiction itself is not a red line issue for me in a relationship if someone is actively working on it. However by progressing our relationship and not telling me everytime it progressed he was sticking his head in the sand and hoping the bad stuff would go away. That is an addicts way of thinking, and as long as he is in the addicts mindset we can't have a relationship.
I'm keeping in contact though because I am worried that he will try suicide, and he doesn't have a strong support circle here. So I have told him that I can be his friend and no-more at this point. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I know the cirucmstances are not the same, but I hope that might be helpful.
Many thanks
I am still living with oh I said at start I would support until court is over then I will decide to be honest I still don't know and its been 7 months he was found to have 5 images on his phone downloaded by mistake deleted immediately but he has an addiction to porn which he says is my doing is since menopause I have had little interest in sexual relationship
I think everyone's situation is different. I have split with my husband as this is in a long line of bad behaviour from him. I am simply find him creepy to have around if I am honest and very victim like, despite him causing it. But I can see why people stay if they truely still love their husbands. Give it time and see how things settle and whether you see true change after the therapy etc. So sorry you are going through this. We are four months in and it is still very stressful but not as dismal as those first few hideous weeks
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Hi,
We are nearly 3 years since the knock, 2 years and 3 months since sentencing. I decided about a year ago that I would be open to working on our relationship. We are not yet at a point where I can say that we have worked through everything that this journey has brought into our relationship but we are committed to each other enough to try.
There are days that I feel like we're almost there and it's just circumstances keeping us apart (my older children are not at a point where they want to see him being the main thing) and others that I still feel so betrayed and if I'm being honest absolutely terrified of allowing my guard down fully again. I'm taking each day as it comes, allowing myself to sit with my thoughts and not rushing things. I ended things at the knock so I've had my share of hasty decisions xxx
We are nearly 3 years since the knock, 2 years and 3 months since sentencing. I decided about a year ago that I would be open to working on our relationship. We are not yet at a point where I can say that we have worked through everything that this journey has brought into our relationship but we are committed to each other enough to try.
There are days that I feel like we're almost there and it's just circumstances keeping us apart (my older children are not at a point where they want to see him being the main thing) and others that I still feel so betrayed and if I'm being honest absolutely terrified of allowing my guard down fully again. I'm taking each day as it comes, allowing myself to sit with my thoughts and not rushing things. I ended things at the knock so I've had my share of hasty decisions xxx
Hey LifeAfter,
I'm sorry you've found yourself here amongst us. For me, I decided to call time on my relationship a month after the knock as the anxiety and stress was just unbearable and I was signed off work with stress as a result.
It's been another month since then (so now 2 months total since The Knock) and whilst some initial distance helped settle my nerves, I'm wondering if I was too hasty in my decision making now the dust has settled a bit more.
Remember your decisision is yours and yours alone to make. And any decision you do make, you're obviously making with the information you have available to you at the time and I really believe there is no right or wrong answer. Be kind to yourself as these early few weeks are a rollercoaster.
x
I'm sorry you've found yourself here amongst us. For me, I decided to call time on my relationship a month after the knock as the anxiety and stress was just unbearable and I was signed off work with stress as a result.
It's been another month since then (so now 2 months total since The Knock) and whilst some initial distance helped settle my nerves, I'm wondering if I was too hasty in my decision making now the dust has settled a bit more.
Remember your decisision is yours and yours alone to make. And any decision you do make, you're obviously making with the information you have available to you at the time and I really believe there is no right or wrong answer. Be kind to yourself as these early few weeks are a rollercoaster.
x
Hi, I'm nearly 11 months now since the knock still with my husband at the moment, I didn't want to make any rush decisions even though sw kept asking me I won't let anyone sway my decision. My husband has been doing all the courses and attends weekly SAA he's really working hard on himself to prove/ better himself.
I told my husband he has to tell me everything and if I find out anything more in court then I'll be off.
I told my husband he has to tell me everything and if I find out anything more in court then I'll be off.
Thank you all for sharing. It makes it so much easier to hear that I'm not alone.
I think I'm in a more unusual place that we're married but no kids. We've both been children by choice for a while (though now I'm wondering about everything he has said before!!) So it's all just about me. It's hard as it feels selfish no matter what I do.
Thank you for all the kind words and support. I'm sorry we all are going through this but I'm glad for this community.
I think I'm in a more unusual place that we're married but no kids. We've both been children by choice for a while (though now I'm wondering about everything he has said before!!) So it's all just about me. It's hard as it feels selfish no matter what I do.
Thank you for all the kind words and support. I'm sorry we all are going through this but I'm glad for this community.
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I stayed for 3 years after the knock until he reoffended.
It's a difficult path to make to stay and it can be only your decision.
You don't have to make a decision today, next week or even next year.
Just know the option is always there if you find staying too hard.
Be kind to yourself. These first few weeks/months are rough. X
It's a difficult path to make to stay and it can be only your decision.
You don't have to make a decision today, next week or even next year.
Just know the option is always there if you find staying too hard.
Be kind to yourself. These first few weeks/months are rough. X
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Thank you all for your support. Unfortunately in the weeks of separation he decided to cheat on me. So I will be leaving effective immediately.
I wish you all the best and hope that your men turn out better than mine
I wish you all the best and hope that your men turn out better than mine
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Hi Parkerpoo
Thanks for replying, I was in such a state that day. I have no idea, he hasn't unfortunately told me any more and I can't bring myself to know. I don't think so, and I think it brought him relief as he has had so much rejection.
It hurt me so much after months of trying to consider him, and to betray me.
It really is the self destruct button. It's such a shame to see him throwing it all away
Thanks for replying, I was in such a state that day. I have no idea, he hasn't unfortunately told me any more and I can't bring myself to know. I don't think so, and I think it brought him relief as he has had so much rejection.
It hurt me so much after months of trying to consider him, and to betray me.
It really is the self destruct button. It's such a shame to see him throwing it all away
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