It's All so Raw
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Hello Everybody
Thanks in advance for reading this. My husband's case went to court last week, where he received a suspended prison sentence, however unfortunately it was covered in the local press with photos, online only, it didn't make print, but it has done significant damage, and understandably so.
I am so confused and don't know where to turn. A number of fellow mums have shown me their support, but not everybody feels the same and I am shocked and hurting. I do not condone in any way what my husband did, I was abused myself and know the horrors of it first-hand. But with three children, two of whom have special needs, who adore their Dad, we have all remained under the same roof. I am aware that this possibly looks like I am supporting him to an outsider, but I really am not, our relationship can never be the same again and I know that, I'm not deluding myself.
I am mid-way through studying for a degree and my brain is dead and I'm trying to keep busy so I don't dwell on the negatives, but it looks like he's lost his job and I don't work as my children have special needs and need me at home. I have no idea where money is going to come from and I feel haunted by his terrible crime. I have no escape as he is not allowed to be left on his own with the children, again, rightly so, but it means I have no time away from the situation, our house feels like it has a massive black cloud hanging over it.
Does anyone who has come through the other side have any words of wisdom or hope they can share with me? My main concern is my kids, but I'm scared that in keeping our family together I'm doing more harm than good.
Thanks for your support.
Thanks in advance for reading this. My husband's case went to court last week, where he received a suspended prison sentence, however unfortunately it was covered in the local press with photos, online only, it didn't make print, but it has done significant damage, and understandably so.
I am so confused and don't know where to turn. A number of fellow mums have shown me their support, but not everybody feels the same and I am shocked and hurting. I do not condone in any way what my husband did, I was abused myself and know the horrors of it first-hand. But with three children, two of whom have special needs, who adore their Dad, we have all remained under the same roof. I am aware that this possibly looks like I am supporting him to an outsider, but I really am not, our relationship can never be the same again and I know that, I'm not deluding myself.
I am mid-way through studying for a degree and my brain is dead and I'm trying to keep busy so I don't dwell on the negatives, but it looks like he's lost his job and I don't work as my children have special needs and need me at home. I have no idea where money is going to come from and I feel haunted by his terrible crime. I have no escape as he is not allowed to be left on his own with the children, again, rightly so, but it means I have no time away from the situation, our house feels like it has a massive black cloud hanging over it.
Does anyone who has come through the other side have any words of wisdom or hope they can share with me? My main concern is my kids, but I'm scared that in keeping our family together I'm doing more harm than good.
Thanks for your support.
Crystal that's great that some fellow mums have offered you support, you will always face judgement from others no matter your situation. Concentrate on the people that matter to you and those that are kind and supportive. It's incredibly hard going through court and the press stuff. I think ours went fairly unnoticed, I didn't ask anyone and no one said anything to me. I still have the odd panic that someone might find out and what will they think. We live as a family, social services have closed our case. I cannot leave my partner alone with the kids, that gets easier over time I think. Its just the norm now, I get frustrated sometimes as I feel I've lost my freedom. I'm sorry he lost his job but now he needs to work hard to find another, probation should be able to offer advice on disclosing his conviction or not. Its ok if you do support your partner, dont feel guilty about supporting someone you care about. Supporting and rebuilding does not mean you condone or support what he did. We have chosen to remain together and remain a family I understand not everyone will agree with my decision but I do it with the support of the police, social services, our kids and people we care about so I have to try not to think about what anyone else will think. The worst is hopefully over and now you can get life back on track. Its does take determination and effort from us both life is getting to a good new normal. You can do this and you can make whatever choice you like about your life.
Hi crystal. So sorry to hear this. Can I ask what he was convicted of? It's hard when people are judgemental and it would be interesting to see what they would do. It's easy for people to comment. It's all well and good friends and professionals saying separate etc but it's just not practical. Sure that what partners to move out but then they expect them to support us. I cant say when it will get easier as I'm still struggling on and off after 4 months of the sentence. Even professionals make it hard when not explaining things such as orders and what is expected. How are we supposed to know what to expect if nothing is told to us or even written in the order. It makes me mad x
Thanks Maria and Rainbow,
it's okay when I can get out of the house, forget about it and do something else, but when I come home, I just feel the cloud of shame hovering over our home, but hopefully it will wear away over time. I think I'm letting it define me.
I think for me it's brought back the fear and shame I felt when I was abused as a child and the thought that anyone would think I was okay with it seems horrifying, but it's early days as far as the court case went, I'm sure over time everything will calm down, it just doesn't sit well with my low self-esteem. My priority here is to give my children the best future possible and it may be that I change my mind about him staying further down the line, but we'll see.
I really appreciate that you've shared your experiences with me, it helps to hear from others in the same situation, free from judgement.
Rainbow, in answer to your question, he made images and got a suspended sentence and unfortunately it must've been a slow news day. It was the same weekend as the Anthony Joshua fight, so I'd hoped we'd slip under the radar, but unfortunately not. And I totally agree with your frustration about non-communication, what happens next etc.
I listened to a really useful BBC podcast earlier that was recommended to me on BBC Outlook 'I am more than my husband's shameful crime' which was useful.
hugs and positivity to all, thanks again.
it's okay when I can get out of the house, forget about it and do something else, but when I come home, I just feel the cloud of shame hovering over our home, but hopefully it will wear away over time. I think I'm letting it define me.
I think for me it's brought back the fear and shame I felt when I was abused as a child and the thought that anyone would think I was okay with it seems horrifying, but it's early days as far as the court case went, I'm sure over time everything will calm down, it just doesn't sit well with my low self-esteem. My priority here is to give my children the best future possible and it may be that I change my mind about him staying further down the line, but we'll see.
I really appreciate that you've shared your experiences with me, it helps to hear from others in the same situation, free from judgement.
Rainbow, in answer to your question, he made images and got a suspended sentence and unfortunately it must've been a slow news day. It was the same weekend as the Anthony Joshua fight, so I'd hoped we'd slip under the radar, but unfortunately not. And I totally agree with your frustration about non-communication, what happens next etc.
I listened to a really useful BBC podcast earlier that was recommended to me on BBC Outlook 'I am more than my husband's shameful crime' which was useful.
hugs and positivity to all, thanks again.
Sorry it got in the news. That is what I dread mostly. I have a few friends ask how I am etc but that's about it. No one really giving me support i need. They all have their own busy lives. Only family are aware about the conviction as I've tried to keep as quiet as possible for the sake of the children. Also I'm worried I will lose my job if my work find out. Lots of questions etc x
Hi Rainbow
i was the same, I only told one friend cos once it's out there, you can't take it back and I too wanted to protect my children.
We were definitely unfortunate regarding the press, but not undeserved, it's just a shame that everything I've ever worked for is now hanging in the balance.
Since it was put on the Internet, however, a few people have been offering their support, which has made me feel tonnes better.
i hope all ends well for all of us, I won't let it break my resolve, we have to remember that we aren't the ones who broke the law.
massive hugs.
i was the same, I only told one friend cos once it's out there, you can't take it back and I too wanted to protect my children.
We were definitely unfortunate regarding the press, but not undeserved, it's just a shame that everything I've ever worked for is now hanging in the balance.
Since it was put on the Internet, however, a few people have been offering their support, which has made me feel tonnes better.
i hope all ends well for all of us, I won't let it break my resolve, we have to remember that we aren't the ones who broke the law.
massive hugs.
I'm glad theres some people out there that can offer support. People are all different and have their own opinions. It's just a shame that it's this topic. I feel more at ease when I hear others are going through the same as me and not just the professionals who think they know best. Just a shame how its dealt with but I hope in the future things will change and this is approached in a different way. Theres a difference to people putting the images on the sites than the ones viewing but some people dont think so x
Crystal
i just want to send you love. You can get through this. I am so grateful for each and every women partner or mother on the site. Anytime I see a news article I always think who else is impacted. It’s so cruel the press do this. I don’t know about you if you have any young people on your home. The name and Shaming of the address is too much. It breaks my heart.
so sending you love and strength. I am pleased some mums are showing you support. You deserve it and have done nothing wrong.
i would like to say that the shame is in your head but know how ignorant people can be xxx
hope in a week or so it’s old news xxx
be kind and compassionate to yourself. Life can be difficult but you will survive xxx
i just want to send you love. You can get through this. I am so grateful for each and every women partner or mother on the site. Anytime I see a news article I always think who else is impacted. It’s so cruel the press do this. I don’t know about you if you have any young people on your home. The name and Shaming of the address is too much. It breaks my heart.
so sending you love and strength. I am pleased some mums are showing you support. You deserve it and have done nothing wrong.
i would like to say that the shame is in your head but know how ignorant people can be xxx
hope in a week or so it’s old news xxx
be kind and compassionate to yourself. Life can be difficult but you will survive xxx
Thanks again everyone.
Yes BethLou, I do have little ones and part of me wants to take off and start somewhere afresh, but part of me thinks 'why should I?', plus my children need consistency and routine, I just hope they don't pay for it when they're older, this label tends to stick.
Anyway, it's a far nicer day today knowing you're all there, so thank you!
Yes BethLou, I do have little ones and part of me wants to take off and start somewhere afresh, but part of me thinks 'why should I?', plus my children need consistency and routine, I just hope they don't pay for it when they're older, this label tends to stick.
Anyway, it's a far nicer day today knowing you're all there, so thank you!
Crystal, my heart goes out to you. I'm dreading the publicity but the strong womenmon here that are coping with it give me hope.
Can I ask what he was found guilty of in terms of categories and numbers? Did he admit to police and plead guilty?
Christina x
Can I ask what he was found guilty of in terms of categories and numbers? Did he admit to police and plead guilty?
Christina x
Hi Christina
Wishing you luck and strength on your passage through this awful time.
Sorry, whilst I know he's offended I don't know categories or numbers because I couldn't cope with that level of detail at the moment, I just know he's done wrong. I will of course have a further conversation when I'm feeling stronger (am temporarily back on sleeping tablets prescribed from GP when we got the knock, it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do!)
Massive hugs, stay strong.
Wishing you luck and strength on your passage through this awful time.
Sorry, whilst I know he's offended I don't know categories or numbers because I couldn't cope with that level of detail at the moment, I just know he's done wrong. I will of course have a further conversation when I'm feeling stronger (am temporarily back on sleeping tablets prescribed from GP when we got the knock, it's amazing what a good night's sleep can do!)
Massive hugs, stay strong.