Is this my fault?
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I know that it isn't.. I know that rationally its not my fault. Its day 3 since the knock. I am going through a range of emotions and have to keep it together for my 2 kids. If I am honest with myself, I have been stonewalling him for years. He had mentioned In the past how he felt like I don't let him make decisions, how I'm unsympathetic, how he feels like he has no voice in our relationship. We haven't really had open conversations ad we both don't like conflict but we have a beautiful life outside of this and he is my best friend. I can't help but think I have driven him To do this..
He made a choice. It's not your fault. Whatever is happening in our lives, we have a choice about how we respond to that.
My person is my adult son so I'm not experiencing quite the same stuff as someone would with their partner, but my husband and I asked ourselves many times at first if his offending was anything to do with his growing up years and our parenting. We've come to the conclusion that it's all very complex and who knows if we were part of the journey to where he is now, so feeling guilty isn't going to help anything, although it's not easy to shake off those feelings, is it? In fact if you choose to stay with your person, then this could be an opportunity to really talk about your relationship although I'm sure that might be painful. Some of the people on this forum describe growing closer by doing just that.
And Loulou is quite correct in saying that your OH's actions were his sole choice to make, whatever the background in his thinking.
xxx
And Loulou is quite correct in saying that your OH's actions were his sole choice to make, whatever the background in his thinking.
xxx
Thank you rainyday. I definitely don't want to stay with my person as I had already fallen out of love but he is my best friend and want to continue to co parent and be in each others lives. It just hurt that he couldn't talk to me about his loniless. Its still early days so he needs to get therapy to understand.
I just found out that my OH has been feeling lonely for years and has turned to websites then chat groups from the websites... it makes me upset because he is the most vanilla rule restricted person to be intimate with and such a feminist on the day to day who hate the sexualizing of women yet he turn to P-websites when he was lonely. How can he be lonely when we are all here? Its all just so confusing and I just don't understand how he can be one person thY ee know and this person which is the exact opposite.
My husband was similar. He turned to chat sites as he couldn't talk to me about the lack of sex in our relationship. He never felt settled in the town where we live, despite living here for 17 years. We're no longer together, but we're still friends and I want him to maintain a relationship with our boys, who are teenagers. He was the person I would have least expected to have sexual chats with others. I can't reconcile that person to the person I married and loved.
The simplest answer to why addicts cannot talk to anyone about their feelings, is that they carry around a huge amount of shame and they fear that if they do talk to somebody about what they see as their flaws, then that person will reject them or abandon them.
They may think this way, because of an earlier experience of rejection or abandonment. Very often it was something that happened a long time ago, but it permanently affects their core beliefs, about themselves and about others.
The job of the therapist is to shift those core beliefs to a point where the person is able to trust others enough to ask for help.
They may think this way, because of an earlier experience of rejection or abandonment. Very often it was something that happened a long time ago, but it permanently affects their core beliefs, about themselves and about others.
The job of the therapist is to shift those core beliefs to a point where the person is able to trust others enough to ask for help.
@loulou74 it's comforting to hear someone is in a similar situation. The frustrating this is I wanted to have sex but he made it clear to me that he wasn't interested in being intimate with me after I gave birth to our child. I even wanted to watch p@!n with him! And he was so against it and I think that is what shocked me the most.. that he was on it for years with a profile chatting to all sorts of people.
Who is this person??
Who is this person??
It is not your fault. You are supportive clearly.
I think you always feel some kind of guilt whatever your circumstances are. Ive churned the past over as I wonder how on Earth my son got into this mess.
our family is not perfect, but as parents we worked hard to support him - he wanted for nothing - he was surrounded by a family that loved and trusted him......... He was happy in his job etc, none of us had the slightest idea or suspicion of what he was involved in
i came to the conclusion my son is an adult not a child / he knew the dangers (although, I think, oblivious to the severe the consequences he would face if caught). Yes he got involved in this world, his choices - there was no force.
I know he's a good person and this was an horrific blip in his life. I feel gutted by the devastation of his life, angry for the pain we his family have gone through - and fear for his future) BUT he is now showing true grit and I'm sure he can and will rehabilitate- hopefully getting the right support in the future.
please don't blame yourself my lovely x
our family is not perfect, but as parents we worked hard to support him - he wanted for nothing - he was surrounded by a family that loved and trusted him......... He was happy in his job etc, none of us had the slightest idea or suspicion of what he was involved in
i came to the conclusion my son is an adult not a child / he knew the dangers (although, I think, oblivious to the severe the consequences he would face if caught). Yes he got involved in this world, his choices - there was no force.
I know he's a good person and this was an horrific blip in his life. I feel gutted by the devastation of his life, angry for the pain we his family have gone through - and fear for his future) BUT he is now showing true grit and I'm sure he can and will rehabilitate- hopefully getting the right support in the future.
please don't blame yourself my lovely x