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Had to report my OH - possible TW, long post

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Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 8:26amReport post

Hi,

This has taken me a long time to post.

I had to report my OH to the police.

I caught him on KIK messanger. I should say the first offence was communication with a police decoy on KIK, he also had one catagory C moving image, a search term for underage on his phone and escaped a custodial by the skin of his teeth, I gave birth to our child early 2 days after sentancing due to the stress.

OH was allowed home wih us so long as I was supervising. He had passed his probation period and I had done everything I could to support him. In fact his probation officer and mosovo were happy to support us if we wanted to go for unsupervised, however I was hesistant and reluctant to do so until our LO could do his own personal care and I could have the conversation with him about what was appropriate re Pantosaurus conversation etc.

I was Pushing him to get private counselling throughout the two years since the first offence & we were having marriage counselling with circles too which i had set up. Unfortunately I think he is not accepting about the problem he has and couldn't face what he had done, instead believing his own narrative that this was all a mistake and blown out of proportion. Initially after the first offence he was remorseful and accepting that what he did was wrong and that he would seek help but this has changed over the past year or so to believing his own narrative again that this was all a huge mistake.

With the first offence we had media attention, this led to a whole load of problems with our neighours where we live, bolts through my car tires, stuff thrown at the house, and intimidating behaviour. We had tried to sell our house earlier in the year however the buyers saw the presss article and pulled out of the sale.

I should mention I am a survivior of childhood SA by my father so I have found this incredibly hard to deal with, the first knock set off my PTSD again and my mum had died 8 weeks prior to the knock. My dad was released from prison last year but we have no contact.

By supporting my OH I lost most of my friends and alot of my family wouldn't speak to me.

Since the first offence we haven't slept in the same bed, he has slept downstairs on the settee.

The last few weeks i had been waking up at 3.30, anxious and stresssed, possibly my subconscious trying to warn me? But this time I got out of bed and came downstairs. It was our wedding anniversary that day too (which he forgot.)

I found my OH asleep with his phone in his hand, i tapped the screen and I could see the KIK messanger notifications, I took his phone and locked myself in the bathroom, unfortunatly i don't know my way around this app.

OH woke up and I told him to pack his bags and leave the house as I was calling the police, at this point i though having KIK messanger was in his SHOPO. He was crying, telling if I called the police there would be more media attention etc but i don't think these tears were genuine. When the police arrived, there was no emotion, it was like he was absolutely emotionally dead, it scared the life out of me to see him like that and I understand that alot of offenders are able to have the ability to turn off their emotions.

Actually owning KIK was not as it turns out against his SHOPO but the idiot deleted the app anyway, therefore breaking the terms of his SHPO.

He disclosed to my sister who I had called prior to the police arriving that he had multiple log-ins he was using.

Now from my point of view, even going anywhere near this app was a huge red flag, having multiple logins even more so as we all know KIK doesn't store data to your phone.

He had the cheek to blame me for using KIK to chat to other people as I never have s*x with him. If this was the case he should have used P**n hub or some other outlet not an app renowned for predatory behaviour and used by children.

Since I've kicked him out he's alternated betweeen being vile, mean and gaslighting me denying he had multiple logins etc to trying to be kind and helpful.

My PTSD has come back full force and I'm terrified of having more media attention.

I've had to disclose to my work certain details as I'm unable to go into the office as I'm losing my s**t all the time. Thankfully they are letting me work from home.

My LO is crying for their dad, he does come round to the house and we generally spend half a day as a family together at the weekend to ensure my LO gets that quaility time with him.

I've done nothing but support my OH, however he's told everyone that i have effectively made his life hell the past 2 years by not letting him forget the offence. It's been incredibly hard with the repeated incidents with the neighbours but I have been nothing but supportive of him.

All I've tried to do is try and get him to access the help he clearly needs but instead he's now trying to turn our friends ( the only 2 we have left) against me. His boss also believes his story of it being a huge mistake so I am fearful with people believing him he won't ever access the help or treatment he needs to stop his actions. I also think if he goes to court with an attitude like this that the judge will throw the book at him.

I'm just absolutely devestated that it has turned out like this. I'm now a single mum and potentially going to lose my house if he gets a prison sentance. I'm receving help from my GP, I have a refrerral back to PCT for more trauma therapy and I have a lovely group of ladies who I met via LFF that are supporting me but i am still struggling. I cry for me and our toddler who will never have their dad living with them again. He's effectively ruined his own relationship with his child as he won't get unsupervised now till our LO is 12/13 years old and he is so young that he won't remember his dad living with him.

I just can't believe he's done this after all of the love and support I have given him.

He knows what SA does to children, he's heard it directly from my mouth and seen the lifelong effects it's has had on me & I just can't believe he's gone on that app again.

He's in court next week for deleting internet history as he deleted the app. why would he delte the app if he wasn't doing anything he should have been doing? It just doesn't make sense to me.

SS have closed the case as he no longer lives here but my heart is broken for me and our LO. I have no way of explaining to them why Daddy no longer lives with us and it's breaking my heart hearing them cry for their dad when he leaves.

I'm not too sure what the point of my post is, but if anyone has any help on what i can say to my LO that would be helpful. When they don't see their dad, they do video call them.

Just making this post makes me incredbily anxious after all of the backlash I've had from my neighbours. i'm terified of someone identifying me and my LO.

Please bear with me if I don't reply, i'm struggling and with a toddler to look after I don't spend alot of time on my phone.

Thank you in advance to anyone that takes the time to reply to me.

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 9:09amReport post

Every feeling you are experiencing is valid and understandable and acting upon your intuition was without question the appropriate action to take. Remember this is not your fault. He has chosen his path, not valued your continued support, blamed you for his actions & not taken responsibility for his behaviour. You did nothing wrong and everything you did was right.
Your little one will adapt to the change in time. You sound like a Mother with maternally strong instincts, your protection and love will provide everything that they need to thrive. It sounds like an overwhelming and traumatic experience to go through which is complicated by your personal trauma and I'm glad you are seeking professional support. I hope you will start to focus on building yourself into the strong woman you deserve to be. You'll be ok. We are here with you x

Edited Sat June 10, 2023 9:12am

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 10:14amReport post

Life feels over, thank you <3

It's strange, I've always prided myself on my ability to overcome everything I've been through. But this last thing seems to have made me reach my limit. Its just such an isolating offence as you can't tell anyone, well you can but then you lose friends and family.

It took us 16 years to have our LO. At the hardest moment in my life, our LO brings me so much joy.

I'm just heartbroken he's thrown everything away he had. Tried to make it my problem or my fault & made me feel guilty for calling the police & I've done nothing but support him.

But after seeing him emotionally shut down like he did I truly believe I did the right thing calling the police. I couldn't have ever done anything different.

I've seen the exact emotional shutdown in my father when the abuse happened and I think that's what scared me the most.

I know most people who commit offences relating to IIOC or communication are addicted to porn & desentised by what they've seen and have no real sexual interest in children.

God knows I've done a huge amount of research & reading around it but after seeing my OH that night I do believe unfortunately he could be a risk to our LO and it just breaks my heart. It's intuition at the most basic level and it's just horrified me.

Edited Sat June 10, 2023 10:14am

K4

Member since
October 2022

611 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 10:32amReport post

You're so brave, to have confronted him and informed the police and to have the awareness of your own MH too. I just want to give you a hug and wish you all the very best.



TBH, even if what he said was true about you not letting him forget his offence, so what??!? He did a bad thing and you were supporting him and if that's what you needed to get past it, that's on him.



xx

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 12:09pmReport post

Thank you K4.

I was willing to support him if he put the work in to not re-offend I couldn't just forget the offence especially with all the trouble we've had with our neighbours & his inability to fulfill his promises.

Any work on recovery has been organised by myself & I think there in lies the problem.

If he wanted to change he would have made the effort himself

rainyday52

Member since
April 2023

447 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 12:52pmReport post

Just wanted to add my encouragement and agree that you have done exactly the right thing as muddling along hoping your OH might change or listen or suddenly start taking responsibility would in all likelihood end up in even more trauma for you going on his actions so far.

I do think we all have limited capacity to deal with stress (and this situation is stressful beyond belief) and once the tank is full we have nowhere else to go. Your own MH is of paramount importance at the moment for the sake of that precious little one, plus of course the risk factor to him and (dependent on his own decisions from here on) it might be a saving grace for your OH ultimately- but having said that, those other things are the most important for you right now and you bear no responsibility for whether or not your OH gets help.

I'm so sorry you have been devastated and disappointed and send you a big supportive hug! x

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 1:24pmReport post

Thank you Rainy day <3

When the first offence happened he made all sort of promises etc and that was the reason I stayed. Sadly its all dropped off and it started to be more me trying to get him to access support/courses.

I do agree that it's probably been a blessing in disguise.

I work but not full time, I have a good career etc but unfortunately it doesn't cover the mortgage, bills & childcare costs.

I've applied for UC but my biggest worry now is if we lose the house & have to move.

So much stress and heartbreak but ultimately I think I have a brighter future now.

The toll of making up excuses & lies why my OH wasn't at birthday parties, couldn't do any childcare etc took its toll on me.

Thank you for replying. I haven't felt so alone in all this today thanks to all you lovely ladies xxxxx

Anxious mummy

Member since
February 2023

99 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 1:31pmReport post

I'm so sorry you are having such an awful time. You did the right thing reporting him. It's the worst feeling in the world trying to explain to our children why their dads can't be there with them. These men have a way of shifting blame and I totally understand how he can manipulate situations. My OH does the same thing and its emotionally exhausting. He too was on KIK and I dread to think how many years he was. I can offer no great advice, just that I understand. Sending love x

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2396 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 2:57pmReport post

Bluebell77 x

What a really hard post you have written so well done for been so open and honest incredibly brave of you xx

Remember you have done nothing wrong after what you have been through to find him using the Kik app what an absolute horrible situation but you have done the right thing

Please be kind to yourself and going with your instincts was deffinatly right xx

I am just so sorry that you have been put in this situation by your OH xx

Nemesis

Member since
July 2021

125 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 3:54pmReport post

massive hugs,



I can relate to so much of this. But it wasn't you who did the crime so you can't feel responsible. You did the right thing completely. The next steps won't be easy but big breaths and having gone through the house situation etc my advice is be organised and be prepared. If he is being like this you may need to fight your corner for the sake of the children.
massive hugs. I am a bit further on your journey (my ex is a nightmare similar to what yours has started) so if you need anything shout.
be kind to yourself and lots of deep breaths x

EA

Member since
August 2022

122 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 8:51pmReport post

You're incredibly brave for what you did. I'm sorry you had to go through it all though.



I hope you don't mind me asking because mine is for 1 cat c moving image... how comes it was so close to a custodial? And in the media? I was hoping it would be small fish and that wouldn't happen :(

Parkerpoo1

Member since
July 2022

252 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 11:20pmReport post

Post deleted


Edited Thu December 21, 2023 10:08am

Losteverything

Member since
September 2022

216 posts

Posted Sat June 10, 2023 11:46pmReport post

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. But you are a very brave and strong woman... well done. This may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. You can have a future away from all this and who knows what or who is round the corner!!!

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sun June 11, 2023 1:14pmReport post

Ea it wasn't just the moving image, it was a sexualised chat with a police decoy too and a search term for underage on his phone. Pre sentance recommended community order bit the crown court judge really threw the book at him & made an example of him. The only reason he wasn't given the custodial the first time is because I was 8 months pregnant.

Thank you ladies. The support you've shown me has really made me feel not so alone.

I took my LO to the park with his dad so they could spend time together today.

I asked him if he'd packed a bag for sentancing just in case and had he sorted things with his solicitor & paid the fee and I was accused of not being positive or supportive so I can't win. I just said to him hope for the best, plan for the worst. I very much think he's burying his head in the sand.

I think now I'm not in a relationship with him the mask has well & truly come off. He knows he can't pull the wool over my eyes any more so he's not even making an effort to be nice or pleasant.

He came home with us so he could have lunch with our LO. Our LO was trying to play with him in the garden whilst he was here & he was just sat on his phone for the most part :/ I'm just incredibly disappointed in him & very sad for our little one. I wouldn't surprise me at all if it was KIK keeping him busy.

He's left now as our LO has gone down for a nap, It's a relief as I'm not constantly worrying what he's doing on his phone or nagging him to pay attention to our LO

Thank you all for your kind messages. I hope you're all having a lovely weekend xxxxxx

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2396 posts

Posted Sun June 11, 2023 6:58pmReport post

Bluebell77 x

Honestly you have done so much for him and if he can't see that it's his loss

You are incredibly strong so don't let him bring you down, you have done nothing wrong but yet you are now a single parent trying to do the best you can and you will get through this and continue to be the amazing person you are so never forget that xx

Bluebell77

Member since
October 2020

89 posts

Posted Sun June 11, 2023 9:12pmReport post

Thank you upset mum

Honestly I don't know why I continue trying to help him when it just gets thrown back in my face.

He didn't show me any kindness or compassion to me today and the fact he was still obsessed with his phone over spending quality time with our LO broke my heart :(

I'm struggling so much with it all. The sense of betrayal is just enormous.

I'm so heartbroken, I just wish my mum was still around :(

I'm going court this week when he's sentanced, I'm hoping for a non custodial but maybe some time in prison might be the best thing for him to accept his actions & see & feel the consequences of his actions as awful as that might be for him and our LO

I just feel really lost right now. I have no parents as explained in the main post above & because I supported him after the first offence I only really have one friend who now lives miles away from me.

His mum & dad aren't happy I reported the second offence so I've effectively lost them too.

I just feel heartbroken and sad. That mixed with my PTSD just leaves me feeling a mess.

I've got my app with a GP tomorrow but then work straight after

Even our dog is depressed and waits for him on the settee every night to come home. She's only just started eating again so I'm just constantly reassuring & cuddling her.

I just wish he would have reached out for help, from me, his mosovo or our circles counsellor but at the end of the day he has to want to change his actions and see that what he's done is wrong and I just don't think he can admit it to himself, never mind someone else.

Currently sat with the doggy & the cats whilst our LO is in bed feeling so down & partly still in disbelief over it all.

So much to worry about with the financial side of things I don't even know where to start.

I think the worry & anxiety hits more when our LO has gone to bed & I'm not In 'mummy mode.'

Thank you so much for responding <3 <3 xxxxxxx

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2396 posts

Posted Mon June 12, 2023 9:27amReport post

Ahh bluebell77

Honestly my heart really does go out to you xx

Seeing your GP is the first step x

As for your in laws hopefully they will see just how much you and your little one are so important to them

There are a lot of support groups out there especially as you have a LO I will try to find the post unless any of the other loveies on here can advise xx

You have a hell of a lot going on and of course it will be a constant worry especially around finances but please just take one day at a time the last thing we want is for you to get poorly

I'm sorry you don't have any other support but we are all here for you so always reach out you are more than welcome to message me ,

Please dont feel you are alone xx