So what do all the others do?
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Hi, no real point to this post, just downloading one of the relentless meanderings of my mind.
So, apparently there are approx 1,000 arrests a month for offences of this type. For argument's sake, let's say 70% of perpetrators (or suspected perpetrators) have a sibling, partner, parent, adult child or friend. It seems that by default the police direct family and friends to LFF (as an aside, I'm not sure why LFF and not any other sources of support/guidance/advice/education).
I appreciate that many people might read the forum without posting, but new joiner/poster numbers do not seem proportionate to the number of people impacted by the fall out of this situation. I can't believe that the LFF helpline would deal with many hundreds of new callers a month (perhaps it does).
So, what do all those people do? Do they not feel they need support/advice? Do they not want it? Do they manage to navigate this journey without specialist guidance or by learning from the experience of others who have walked this path before them? Do they just 'get on with it'? Do they cut the perpetrator out of their lives, making them 'not their problem' any more?
I'm interested and I and others might find it helpful to hear of other experiences and ways of managing what for many of us feels unmanageable at times.
Sending strenth, serenity and warm, warm wishes to all.
So, apparently there are approx 1,000 arrests a month for offences of this type. For argument's sake, let's say 70% of perpetrators (or suspected perpetrators) have a sibling, partner, parent, adult child or friend. It seems that by default the police direct family and friends to LFF (as an aside, I'm not sure why LFF and not any other sources of support/guidance/advice/education).
I appreciate that many people might read the forum without posting, but new joiner/poster numbers do not seem proportionate to the number of people impacted by the fall out of this situation. I can't believe that the LFF helpline would deal with many hundreds of new callers a month (perhaps it does).
So, what do all those people do? Do they not feel they need support/advice? Do they not want it? Do they manage to navigate this journey without specialist guidance or by learning from the experience of others who have walked this path before them? Do they just 'get on with it'? Do they cut the perpetrator out of their lives, making them 'not their problem' any more?
I'm interested and I and others might find it helpful to hear of other experiences and ways of managing what for many of us feels unmanageable at times.
Sending strenth, serenity and warm, warm wishes to all.
Hi
I didn't do my first post until my OH was sentenced, my OH was given the leaflet. Seeing has it was a public forum I thought as soon as I wrote every one will know it's me. Paranoid of everything and everyone became the new normal.
Once I took the first step to post it became easier I still don't go into much detail. Just knowing there are others out there makes it feel very less alone, and just reading the forum helps alot.
Anne
I didn't do my first post until my OH was sentenced, my OH was given the leaflet. Seeing has it was a public forum I thought as soon as I wrote every one will know it's me. Paranoid of everything and everyone became the new normal.
Once I took the first step to post it became easier I still don't go into much detail. Just knowing there are others out there makes it feel very less alone, and just reading the forum helps alot.
Anne
For me I read a lot of posts before I first posted, I found myself trying to compare cases which was difficult as we still don't have any charges yet...
I do kinda prefer to just "get on with it" I'm not very good at asking for help, I found ss just made me more anxious as I was so worried about them judging me, plus the first sw I spoke to on the phone was I think first response as it was the weekend she lied to me and terrified me... she told me my husband had been charged with the worst possible, I was devastated!! When actually there is zero charges so far... she was sarcastic with me when I told her I had spoken to him, In a sarcastic voice she said oh and I bet he lied to you didn't he....
I also find it embarrassing and humiliating asking for help, only my husbands family know as I couldn't bring myself to tell my family.... it can be extremely lonely not having anyone to talk to.
I do kinda prefer to just "get on with it" I'm not very good at asking for help, I found ss just made me more anxious as I was so worried about them judging me, plus the first sw I spoke to on the phone was I think first response as it was the weekend she lied to me and terrified me... she told me my husband had been charged with the worst possible, I was devastated!! When actually there is zero charges so far... she was sarcastic with me when I told her I had spoken to him, In a sarcastic voice she said oh and I bet he lied to you didn't he....
I also find it embarrassing and humiliating asking for help, only my husbands family know as I couldn't bring myself to tell my family.... it can be extremely lonely not having anyone to talk to.
It's a great question. I think the estimates for the number that have a partner is closer to 50 or 60%, but all with have families of some sort. Although not all the families will know what the person has done.
As for participation on the forum, there is a long establshed 90-9-1 rule for that. This rule states that 90% of forum users will not post anything at all. 9% will post occasionally and 1% will be regular posters.
As for participation on the forum, there is a long establshed 90-9-1 rule for that. This rule states that 90% of forum users will not post anything at all. 9% will post occasionally and 1% will be regular posters.
Can't speak for everyone but in my case I wasn't told about LFF by anyone, it was my own searching for support that led me here.
as for other members of either my side or his let's see, his mother said she should have drowned him at birth (delightful woman), his grandparents are aware it wasn't an actual child but refuse to acknowledge his existence (including that of my son). They haven't even bothered to get his side of the story (including talking to me) so don't want anything to do with the LFF. This is the same for all of his extended family.
my parents whilst aware not a real child and acknowledge he knew it was a decoy and he's not child attracted, they want nothing to do with him and I should end the relationship due to him "cheating " and therefore don't see the need for LFF either.
although I have suggested all in both sides join none have because they don't want anything to do with him and have completely cut him out.
also when I first joined due to it being easily accessible to everyone even those who are not members I was worried about what to write
as for other members of either my side or his let's see, his mother said she should have drowned him at birth (delightful woman), his grandparents are aware it wasn't an actual child but refuse to acknowledge his existence (including that of my son). They haven't even bothered to get his side of the story (including talking to me) so don't want anything to do with the LFF. This is the same for all of his extended family.
my parents whilst aware not a real child and acknowledge he knew it was a decoy and he's not child attracted, they want nothing to do with him and I should end the relationship due to him "cheating " and therefore don't see the need for LFF either.
although I have suggested all in both sides join none have because they don't want anything to do with him and have completely cut him out.
also when I first joined due to it being easily accessible to everyone even those who are not members I was worried about what to write
This is my first post, I've been reading the forum for about 8 months but haven't had the courage to join. Shame and embarrassment have been my main barriers.
I became a member on the forum a couple of days ago. It was actually my child's school that pointed me in the direction of LFF a couple of months ago. It was during a catch up conversation and tbh they have checked on me regularly being a small village. I just remember I kept saying "there must be something out there somewhere, where ppl are going through what we are, surely we are not the only ones!" the head teacher did some research and found the LFF for me. I've spent a bit of free time I have had reading some of the papers.
This is my first post and it is 3 years since 'the knock'. I've only just had a chance to read the posts and realise it could be the community I've needed who understand the level of anxiety and heartbreak.