Family and Friends Forum

I don't really have any advice but I know and I'm sure many others know how you feel so you're not alone . It's very frustrating that these people, who have no idea who you or your husband get to make all of these major decisions in your life . You can fight them if you have the strength and I honestly can't believe the officer told you the details. I didn't think they were allowed to do that . I remember how it felt when I read the evidence of my persons 3 short chats and it was horrendous considering my daughter was similar age . Everything went through my mind and still can but we do talk it out . Big big hugs and pm me anytime you near an ear xx

This is a really difficult situation and I am going to give you some advice in the hope that you do not make the same mistake I did.

When talking to SS make sure you never appear to be putting you husbands needs ahead of your son's. I thought it was obvious that any mother would put their children's needs ahead of anything, but ss see the worst of people so they never assume the best of us mums, we need to prove it. You need to always talk about what is best for your son, not your husband.

Devastated x

I have no advice but I didn't want to read your post and not comment

I am so truly sorry for what you are going through I can't imagine how traumatic this is for you x for me it is my son who offended but I totally understand how you are feeling

I just wanted to send you hugs and strength xx

That's a really tough situation. My advice would be:

- Get a solicitor to relay the police info to you rather than the police

- understand that SS will have legitimate concerns about your husband

- clue yourself into the different types of risk - it's not just whether your husband would commit a contact offense on your son, but about your son being exposed to different types of offending and other risk such as his image being used online etc and risk to your son's friends

- Be clear on what supervision needs to look like

- be clear that your son comes first

- be aware that sometimes people say they will take their own life to exert control over others around them and this can be a form of coercive control - SS will be wondering this if they hear that's what your husband has said

- consider an accountability app so you can track all of your husband's online behaviour

Inthemoment,

Thank you, I know your post was aimed at the OP but your comments about impact other than contact offences have clarified for me why a family member will no longer send photos of their child to us, let alone let me see them. I had assumed that they thought my OH might somehow be getting off on these photos, which I could not understand because to my mind they would not be provocative in anyway. However, my family member has a work role where they would have had safeguarding training, and presumably they are concerned that my OH, I don't know, might edit them in some way and upload them to the Internet. I know for certain he wouldn't do this, but it's a fear I hadn't considered.

My OH is under bail conditions for an Internet offence not a contact offence. However his bail conditions are no contact with under 16s, but no restrictions on recieving digital photos of family members of children, or indeed of any children, to my knowledge. I don't understand why not.

Devastatedwife, I can't give you much comfort but I can really empathise with what you're going through. It is hard to reconcile the situation with the person we know, or thought we knew. Hang in there, eventually you will reach a point where your brain can deal with it, even if you still can't really understand it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and with a new baby as well! I've been where you are and I know the absolute pain and suffering you feel. You just have to take one day at a time, and try and live in the moment as best you can. You can't change what's happened, but in time you will accept it. You'll go through the whole grieving process for the life you hoped you'd have, but I promise you will get through it, and you will smile again. One day youll discover it doesn't hurt so much anymore and you can think about it without fear, anger and sadness. The saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is so true, and I genuinely feel invincible now because I came through what many people will agree is the stuff of nightmares that we've all suffered on this forum.
On a practical level, I wouldn't speak to the Police Officer again. There's nothing to say you have to, and there's no benefit whatsoever to you knowing the details of the offence. Regarding SS, I found that as long as you work with them they'll work with you. I personally found them very sympathetic, but they must be sure that you're a protective parent. For me, though I found them sympathetic, it was the hardest part to deal with. I'm an amazing mother, I know I am, and to have to justify myself to them and have them checking in on me was so difficult , but it had to be done.
Im 6 years on from the knock, but the case only went to trial last year. We weren't given any reason why it took so long but it was a suspended sentence, no media attention and no one knows only a couple of close friends and my sister, and I'm so thankful for that.
im a different person now, a better person, a stronger person, a more content person. I've learnt and grown from the experience and in time you will too. I'm so grateful for the small things in life and my children are doing amazingly well and are so happy and well adjusted. Though it's hard for you to see when you're in the middle of it, you can and will be happy once more, and soon this hell will be a distant memory and you'll be so proud of yourself of how well you came through it. Sending you so much love and well wishes ??

@Devastatedwife , it's so hard to find out more. I had so many questions about my OH offences and I had to make a decision but an informed decision on what sort of contact my children should have with their father. Its so east to try to rationalise what my OH has done and how he had gotten there so but I also wanted to know facts so I can make a safe decision for my kids. I won't down a list of question to ask the police, didn't bother asking my OH as I feel he would minimilize the answer or tell me half truths. I just wanted to know the facts.

I emailed the police saying I need to know the following to make an informed decision .

- did my OH explicitly say he was attracted to my DD

- did he actively search out iioc

- did he explicitly request photos of iioc be sent to him

And other questions....

The officer came back to me saying it was fair and balanced to disclose more information to help me make an informed decision on contact.

I'm glad I know the details .. its awful to hear but at least I am working off facts.

Stay strong devastatedwife.

I'm so sorry you're going through this my heart breaks for you.

I had my miracle baby 2 days after sentancing too.

SS will want to to do risk assessments etc

They will assess your protective capacities as a mother to decide whether you are able to supervise. Have you done any safe guarding courses yourself ? You can access information via the NSPCC etc

My OH was allowed to live with us but sadly reoffended recently. However his offending was a different gender and age to our LO and was a communication offence.

I will no longer have him in the home & will be getting a divorce as the trust has completely gone. SS also wouldn't allow him home now ether

There will be a huge amount of unknowns at the minute. Try to take each day as it comes and remember first & foremost to take care of yourself.

Your husband telling you he will kill himself is awful, my OH did the same after the first & second offence & it can be said to exert control.

Please be kind to yourself. Going through SS assessments is traumatic in itself.

You have your wonderful miracle baby so try & focus on him & all of the joy he brings.

Reach out here if you need to or call the LFF helpline

Take care x

I'm so sorry you are feeling such turmoil. I would question with your solicitor the continued disclosure of information directly to you. This doesn't seem appropriate. The police are never working in your best interests in my opinion. The constant drip feeding of details directly to you seems almost torturous and I would question the motive. Doing this doesn't allow you the time to build the emotional resilience you need to make informed choices for you or the welfare of your child. You are grieving your past life as we all do, 6 months post knock is still very early in this journey. From your post I can feel the distress you are experiencing. Please get some support for yourself. You can overcome whatever you are faced with but you need the strength to do so so xx