Forgiveness
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This is more just idle thinking than anything else, but I've been thinking about forgiveness and what that means. When I was younger I used to think that forgiveness was letting people walk all over you, and not minding (problematic family dynamic). When I got older I went a completely different way and held grudges, and on onto hurt, until I learned to let go.
What my BF did feels like one of societies unforgivable sins, but that isn't really true as people pay fines, serve time, are on registers etc... But from a purely social perspective maybe it is?
I'm interested if you think you can, or will ever forgive, and what that means for you?
Thank you if you take the time to share.Xx
What my BF did feels like one of societies unforgivable sins, but that isn't really true as people pay fines, serve time, are on registers etc... But from a purely social perspective maybe it is?
I'm interested if you think you can, or will ever forgive, and what that means for you?
Thank you if you take the time to share.Xx
Hi,
For me forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I know that probably sounds cliche but honestly carrying around bad feeling for someone else doesn't harm them as much as it harms us. I forgive my person for the hurt he has caused me. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that he is capable of creating such devastation to us as a family and will probably remain guarded for the rest of my life.
I don't bring it up much really, sometimes he feels guilty when I am tired and sick of doing everything alone but if I'm honest with myself I do want him to always remember what his actions did to me in a bid to stop him from reoffending. I'm not talking about self loathing as I know that's not a good place to be either but just something in his head to serve as a reminder never to be such a grade A idiot ever again.
I do not allow people to walk over me to any degree and want to clarify that forgiving someone is not accepting their poor actions or disrespect but it is allowing them an opportunity to be and do better xxx
For me forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I know that probably sounds cliche but honestly carrying around bad feeling for someone else doesn't harm them as much as it harms us. I forgive my person for the hurt he has caused me. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that he is capable of creating such devastation to us as a family and will probably remain guarded for the rest of my life.
I don't bring it up much really, sometimes he feels guilty when I am tired and sick of doing everything alone but if I'm honest with myself I do want him to always remember what his actions did to me in a bid to stop him from reoffending. I'm not talking about self loathing as I know that's not a good place to be either but just something in his head to serve as a reminder never to be such a grade A idiot ever again.
I do not allow people to walk over me to any degree and want to clarify that forgiving someone is not accepting their poor actions or disrespect but it is allowing them an opportunity to be and do better xxx
I personally don't think these crimes are forgivable. I can't forgive the crimes and I cant forgive the fact that I have wasted so much of my life with him and he has ruined my retirement.
My work sometimes involves working with children who are victims. My ex knew how strongly I feel about abuse and he still did this.
My work sometimes involves working with children who are victims. My ex knew how strongly I feel about abuse and he still did this.
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For me I find forgiveness very hard I definitely hold grudges. Eventually I can kinda forgive but never forget!! I agree it does cause more harm then good carrying grudges.
I can go most of the day without thinking of what my husband has done to us and our family. Then it'll just hit me and I feel so much anger to him, anything can trigger my feelings especially watching tele.
I think I find it really difficult forgiving my husband because I just cannot understand why he has done this.
I can go most of the day without thinking of what my husband has done to us and our family. Then it'll just hit me and I feel so much anger to him, anything can trigger my feelings especially watching tele.
I think I find it really difficult forgiving my husband because I just cannot understand why he has done this.
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In relation to this situation & others in my life journey...
I'm learning to be more conscious of being present and accepting of future events not being within my control. I'm also recognising that carrying negativity & being unforgiving are only detrimental to me & my health & my well-being. Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful act, without forgiveness we are unable to move forward. My forgiveness doesn't excuse the behaviour it stops it destroying me xx
I'm learning to be more conscious of being present and accepting of future events not being within my control. I'm also recognising that carrying negativity & being unforgiving are only detrimental to me & my health & my well-being. Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful act, without forgiveness we are unable to move forward. My forgiveness doesn't excuse the behaviour it stops it destroying me xx
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I have forgiven but there is still no trust.
I'm not ready to forgive yet. It has thrown our lives upside down. It wasn't a moment of madness; the behaviour that led to the offending had been going on for 2 years. I'm not bitter or angry, but I do resent what his offences have done to us and our family, and to me to a greater extent. I'm still friends with him, but I no longer love him and I don't respect him, nor do I think I can trust him. He hid a whole other side to him that I did not know existed. He also isn't in a place to ask for forgiveness, he doesn't believe he did anything wrong, he hasn't tried to make amends, and beyond the court-mandated work with probation, he hasn't tried to understand how he ended up where he did.
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I guess forgiveness means different things to different people. When I was young I too thought it was a "turn the other cheek" kind of thing, but now I know that's wrong.
I read somewhere, can't remember where that "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past" which I think is a fair definition. No matter how hard we try we can't undo what has happened to us.
In this situation I think forgiveness could also be defined as giving up hope of the future you were expecting. I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that I am where I am and that my life is going to change no matter what, and with that I am finding a kind of inner peace with things, which I think is also enabling me to feel more forgiving towards my OH. I also often think that I can't be angry and resentful towards him forever.
My, we are becoming philosophical in this group, aren't we?
I read somewhere, can't remember where that "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past" which I think is a fair definition. No matter how hard we try we can't undo what has happened to us.
In this situation I think forgiveness could also be defined as giving up hope of the future you were expecting. I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that I am where I am and that my life is going to change no matter what, and with that I am finding a kind of inner peace with things, which I think is also enabling me to feel more forgiving towards my OH. I also often think that I can't be angry and resentful towards him forever.
My, we are becoming philosophical in this group, aren't we?
Forgiveness can be different for each individual person. My husband says I "have" to forgive him as I'm a Christian and the bible teaches forgiveness.
Forgiveness however does not mean that we become a doormat.
For me forgiveness means that I am able to find a way to live with what my husband has done, for his total disregard for me and our son and for his totally selfish and mean spirited behaviour. I forgive him for me so that I am not eaten up by bitterness, hatred, sadness and disgust and so that I can move forward with my life and find a way to be happy and live my life the way I want to live it.
My husband says he is sorry but it is my perception he is sorry he got caught and as he believes he has no blame to answer he therefore he feels he has nothing to be sorry for and that I am the one who is causing all the upheaval because I no longer want him in my life. He thinks that I should just accept his lies and bad behaviour and carry on as normal. He is deluded if he thinks that is going to happen.
Forgiveness however does not mean that we become a doormat.
For me forgiveness means that I am able to find a way to live with what my husband has done, for his total disregard for me and our son and for his totally selfish and mean spirited behaviour. I forgive him for me so that I am not eaten up by bitterness, hatred, sadness and disgust and so that I can move forward with my life and find a way to be happy and live my life the way I want to live it.
My husband says he is sorry but it is my perception he is sorry he got caught and as he believes he has no blame to answer he therefore he feels he has nothing to be sorry for and that I am the one who is causing all the upheaval because I no longer want him in my life. He thinks that I should just accept his lies and bad behaviour and carry on as normal. He is deluded if he thinks that is going to happen.
fogivness is not forgetting it's not for the other person to feel better it's not letting them off with what they did. I think it's for yourself it's letting go of the grief, pain, hurt and anger it's loving yourself enough to heal for you I do not want to carry any kind of hatred around the rest of my life I haven't forgiven my person yet but I definitely don't want to feel like this the rest of my life.
So pleased to see a post about this I've been thinking a lot about this recently as well as I've been wondering if I can forgive my ex partner for all of this.
I agree with others' sentiments in that I believe the act of forgiving someone is first and foremost for yourself. It's a very hard thing to do because pain has deep roots that are very hard to let go of.
Personally, I'm nowhere near forgiveness yet with my ex, as the pain is still too raw and fresh. But I sincerely hope that one day I will be ready and in a place to forgive him for the pain he has caused and emotionally move on. For me, forgiveness is recognising that holding onto the anger, pain, burden, hurt etc is actually causing me more pain then letting go and freeing myself of it. I think there comes a point when choosing to forgive where you have to think to yourself "is this serving me? Is holding onto this pain, actually serving me?".
That being said it's always easier said than done and right now, I'm not there yet. But I do hope one day I will be.
I agree with others' sentiments in that I believe the act of forgiving someone is first and foremost for yourself. It's a very hard thing to do because pain has deep roots that are very hard to let go of.
Personally, I'm nowhere near forgiveness yet with my ex, as the pain is still too raw and fresh. But I sincerely hope that one day I will be ready and in a place to forgive him for the pain he has caused and emotionally move on. For me, forgiveness is recognising that holding onto the anger, pain, burden, hurt etc is actually causing me more pain then letting go and freeing myself of it. I think there comes a point when choosing to forgive where you have to think to yourself "is this serving me? Is holding onto this pain, actually serving me?".
That being said it's always easier said than done and right now, I'm not there yet. But I do hope one day I will be.
I'm not sure how I view the question of forgiveness. I do and still believe my husband committed this offence by accident but reading through the posts has raised serious questions with regard to other thoughts which have never crossed my mind since the knock in February 2021. Forgiveness to me means letting go of resentment in the knowledge I have no right to feel compensated for the hurt and loss I have suffered, I actually don't think I can ever let go of the resentment after losing the respect of half of my closest family, some friends, colleagues and neighbours. I genuinely resent what this situation has done to me and my reputation and not forgetting the innocent victims of these crimes along with the knock on effect to both our families and friends so the question with regards to forgiveness begs me to ask is it my husband I should forgive or the people who can no longer bear to look at me fixed in their own belief that I must be as bad as him as I've stayed with him and supported him. The offence that actually caused this situation will always be with me, despite trying to get on with our lives their are continuous triggers and reminders of the whole situation. Searching my brain for answers re:forgiveness I have realised I have never asked him probably the most important of important questions, I honestly and truly believe he made a genuine mistake in respect of iloc but I cannot recall asking him if he has an interest in children, I may have done around the time of the knock but my mind is that fogged with everything that has happened then and since I feel I need to ask that question again, if I was to ask would it reverse everything we have worked towards over the last 2 plus years or would it make me feel better knowing the answer.
I don't post very often now but I do feel drawn to reading the forum most nights. I also personally feel asking deep questions can be destructive to myself and lead me to ruminate about things which I am trying to forget I will try and give these posts a wide berth, saying that I also feel people obviously want to know and share their thoughts and feelings with others which is perfectly understandable and will be helpful to a lot of members on the forums.
katie x
I don't post very often now but I do feel drawn to reading the forum most nights. I also personally feel asking deep questions can be destructive to myself and lead me to ruminate about things which I am trying to forget I will try and give these posts a wide berth, saying that I also feel people obviously want to know and share their thoughts and feelings with others which is perfectly understandable and will be helpful to a lot of members on the forums.
katie x
Nelson Mandela said 'Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'. It's a lovely way of looking at it and very wise, however easier said than done.
I don't forgive my son for the devastation that he caused our family and the betrayal of everything he was bought up to be; I accept that in time I may forgive him but right now I don't want to. I don't think he deserves my forgiveness and I'm so appalled by his actions that I see no reason to forgive. I won't let myself become bitter and twisted by it, but this experience has changed me and I can't just shrug and carry on as if nothing has happened.
I don't forgive my son for the devastation that he caused our family and the betrayal of everything he was bought up to be; I accept that in time I may forgive him but right now I don't want to. I don't think he deserves my forgiveness and I'm so appalled by his actions that I see no reason to forgive. I won't let myself become bitter and twisted by it, but this experience has changed me and I can't just shrug and carry on as if nothing has happened.
I don't feel like I've forgiven my oh yet and I definitely haven't forgotten but we are now two years in and we have most days as if nothing as happened and the odd day I just go at him because it all creeps up. I'm slowly working on myself because his trying his best to make a new normal and the only one suffering right now is me because I let it affect stuff that I should be enjoying.it's took two years to realise that and now I have more good days than bad