**Trigger warning - disturbing forensic results** An impossible decision
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This is such a nightmare for you and my heart goes out to you. It's hard to comprehend such horrific things and it sounds like your husband has a very long recovery stage ahead.
I can't remember everything you wrote, but from a 'process' point of view, something you could do is suggest the Court decides whether contact should happen again. Your husband would need to make an application to the Family Court and a S.37 report would be written by your social worker to decide on contact.
Your husband and you would have to pay for legal representatives if you wanted them if there has been no history of domestic abuse. You could argue that his threatening to kill himself is coercive control which would fall under DA, but you'd have to report it.
The Judge would then make a decision based on the SW report and any police reports which you should ensure are on file for the judge to review as part of the process. You could request a specialist risk assessment be done to inform the report (e.g. LFF). The LA might refuse to pay for this.
In my experience Judges usually grant some level of contact in a contact centre - the social worker would have to strongly prove harm to stop ALL contact.
However, it sounds to me, due to the severity, like your husband is probably in for a custodial sentence which would change contact anyway. If you apply for court the whole process takes months; he might already be jailed by that point.
Or, as a parent with parental responsibility you can just refuse contact, not speak to your husband again, file for divorce etc. and let him make his own decisions which of course he is solely responsible for, and if he eventually takes you to family court so be it, no one can make you let him see your child unless a Judge rules it to happen
I can't remember everything you wrote, but from a 'process' point of view, something you could do is suggest the Court decides whether contact should happen again. Your husband would need to make an application to the Family Court and a S.37 report would be written by your social worker to decide on contact.
Your husband and you would have to pay for legal representatives if you wanted them if there has been no history of domestic abuse. You could argue that his threatening to kill himself is coercive control which would fall under DA, but you'd have to report it.
The Judge would then make a decision based on the SW report and any police reports which you should ensure are on file for the judge to review as part of the process. You could request a specialist risk assessment be done to inform the report (e.g. LFF). The LA might refuse to pay for this.
In my experience Judges usually grant some level of contact in a contact centre - the social worker would have to strongly prove harm to stop ALL contact.
However, it sounds to me, due to the severity, like your husband is probably in for a custodial sentence which would change contact anyway. If you apply for court the whole process takes months; he might already be jailed by that point.
Or, as a parent with parental responsibility you can just refuse contact, not speak to your husband again, file for divorce etc. and let him make his own decisions which of course he is solely responsible for, and if he eventually takes you to family court so be it, no one can make you let him see your child unless a Judge rules it to happen
Oh my lovely, you did amazing to post this.
I can relate to some of the points you are dealing with. Life can be traumatic particularly when the details are much more local and personal.
you are doing amazing. I am a little further ahead on your journey and my advice is one day at a time, one step at a time.
keep tight to your heart that your child has been made safe now. That is the only thing that keeps me alive to be honest. He was removed befire even more damage could be done. And I was in the same house.
it terms of criminal, it has to be beyond all doubt, so be prepared for lots of events.
but get yourself organised, practically, financially etc. I was very busy with sorting my house sale and a move, working full time and sorting the children so mental support didn't happen. But survival was key.
You cannot own some one else's actions. Abuse can be in many ways and in my case I also got lots of emotional abuse. It is his responsibility to get support, you have enough on your plate so focus on you and your child. With social services, i told the truth. If there are mental health concerns it may not be appropriate for contact regardless of the other matters.
childen are resilient. All cases are different so do what is right in your situation. Be kind to yourself and lots of deep breaths. You are doing fab x
I can relate to some of the points you are dealing with. Life can be traumatic particularly when the details are much more local and personal.
you are doing amazing. I am a little further ahead on your journey and my advice is one day at a time, one step at a time.
keep tight to your heart that your child has been made safe now. That is the only thing that keeps me alive to be honest. He was removed befire even more damage could be done. And I was in the same house.
it terms of criminal, it has to be beyond all doubt, so be prepared for lots of events.
but get yourself organised, practically, financially etc. I was very busy with sorting my house sale and a move, working full time and sorting the children so mental support didn't happen. But survival was key.
You cannot own some one else's actions. Abuse can be in many ways and in my case I also got lots of emotional abuse. It is his responsibility to get support, you have enough on your plate so focus on you and your child. With social services, i told the truth. If there are mental health concerns it may not be appropriate for contact regardless of the other matters.
childen are resilient. All cases are different so do what is right in your situation. Be kind to yourself and lots of deep breaths. You are doing fab x
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Devastated, you are so brave to share this.
I agree with what others have said ... this man is dangerous. Hopefully he will be sent to prison for a long time. You and your child can make a beautiful life together. X
I agree with what others have said ... this man is dangerous. Hopefully he will be sent to prison for a long time. You and your child can make a beautiful life together. X
Well done for being so brave posting
Like the others have said run, make you and your child safe. Stop all contact anyone that can watch porn or on chat rooms whilst a child is in the room is a massive red flag just on its own.
Whatever he decides to do is his own choice and there is definitely no blame on you please don't let him make you think otherwise. He should of been lucky you stayed as long as you have. I've stayed with my oh I know how hard it is but if I'd of found out anything near what you had I'd be gone
Please keep safe xx
Like the others have said run, make you and your child safe. Stop all contact anyone that can watch porn or on chat rooms whilst a child is in the room is a massive red flag just on its own.
Whatever he decides to do is his own choice and there is definitely no blame on you please don't let him make you think otherwise. He should of been lucky you stayed as long as you have. I've stayed with my oh I know how hard it is but if I'd of found out anything near what you had I'd be gone
Please keep safe xx
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I'm so sorry - this sounds likea horrifically stressful situation for you. My OH has many of the same traits in terms if blaming childhood abuse and not taking real responsibility. Your OH sounds like a total narcissist who is still trying to control you with the suicide threats. But none of this is your fault. You are a great mother I'm sure and your baby is young enough to not miss him. You are enough xx
Thank you Parkerpoo1 and Anxious Mummy xx