Struggling to cope and feeling alone
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Life, I understand why you are feeling so terrible. You must put yourself first. I hear that you feel that the police have lied and made mistakes , but the bottom line is your OH whilst in a relationship with you has had a conversation with someone underage ( decoy or not makes no difference) it's up to you if you can accept this and if you can I truly hope that everything works out for you.
I also work in a school and I was told that if I was married to my ex and we lived at the same address then it would show up on an enhanced DBS
I also work in a school and I was told that if I was married to my ex and we lived at the same address then it would show up on an enhanced DBS
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Please protect yourself. My advice would be for him to keep his own home as there is a strong possibility that he will not be allowed to live with you once your baby is born
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Hi,
I was 13 weeks pregnant at the knock. I do have older children too so a referral was made to ss that day. I think you're in a strong position in terms of the legal advice and your knowledge of safeguarding. As Lee has said it is important to keep check on your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Something that I was told by a health visitor who works alongside ss was that it's very positive to be self aware and know that the stress of this situation can take its toll on us as partners and mothers. You seem to be on the ball in terms of researching resources so putting this across to the professionals (your midwife, ss and health visitor etc) will be helpful. Things like knowing where to go for support for yourself and knowing the signs of postnatal depression are things that I found useful in proving my capability to protect. Do keep posting any questions you have and use the private message function when you feel you'd like more information from a poster. Sending love and strength xxx
I was 13 weeks pregnant at the knock. I do have older children too so a referral was made to ss that day. I think you're in a strong position in terms of the legal advice and your knowledge of safeguarding. As Lee has said it is important to keep check on your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Something that I was told by a health visitor who works alongside ss was that it's very positive to be self aware and know that the stress of this situation can take its toll on us as partners and mothers. You seem to be on the ball in terms of researching resources so putting this across to the professionals (your midwife, ss and health visitor etc) will be helpful. Things like knowing where to go for support for yourself and knowing the signs of postnatal depression are things that I found useful in proving my capability to protect. Do keep posting any questions you have and use the private message function when you feel you'd like more information from a poster. Sending love and strength xxx
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Hi,
I'm nearly 3 years post knock and 2 years 4 months post sentencing. He was remanded between the two so the ss assessment was just on me. He has had contact from the week after our daughter was born. Initially he was supervised by myself and his parents. I wasn't sure how I would handle being around him as I was hurt and also post partum so I requested that his parents were there to allow me breathing space should I need it or an opportunity to sleep. Due to the sw moving on and his probation officer misinterpreting the wording on our safety plan I had to go back to ss a year ago to have it cleared that I can soley supervise. They were hesitant to allow this to be in a home and wanted it to be in public but my argument was that I can protect my daughter no matter where we are and they cleared this. We now meet once a week just us and little one, we generally go out anyway but it's nice to have the option of going to each other's houses if the weather is bad or money is tight. We also see each another day each week with his parents at their house. I won't commit to any more than that at the moment because I want to have an independent risk assessment done first so that little one has consistency of contact. If we don't continue our relationship then I don't think it's fair on her to have that change in contact or on me to continue to see him more often than I do currently. I hope that makes sense, I kind of waffled lol.
Once we have the funds for it then we will go through the risk assessment process and also specialist relationship counselling with the end goal being that we live together once my older children have finished further education or are settled in their towns of choice.
I don't see your response as minimising (absolutely hate that term) I see it as wanting a clear understanding of what your life will look like from here on. We all react to trauma and grief differently and you may find that you go through various stages of that each day. It's completely normal. Continue to research if that helps you to understand things but also be aware of your emotions too. Take a step back if you feel you are driving yourself crazy with the what ifs. Talk to your OH openly and try to let him look into things too when he is in a better place mentally. It's important that he is honest with you and takes responsibility. This is something that I've struggled with tbh, I took on too much that wasn't mine to carry initially and now I have set my expectations out clearly and left him to it because he does need to prove that he is committed to me and to being a family. He has talking therapy, it was weekly, then fortnightly and has recently changed to once a month. He has completed the engage plus course, found employment, continues to work on himself and provides for our daughter. He is a good father and I'm happy that I made the choices I have in terms of contact and for our relationship. We split at the knock but we are working on our relationship. I don't regret my decision to end the relationship and support him as a friend and as my daughters father as it was the best decision for us at the time. It's better to make decisions that feel good for yourself than to be influenced by others. Everyone approaches things from wherever they are at mentally, it's a good thing to remember that on here. You're getting people's lived experiences which vary greatly in terms of their relationship to the person, the levels of support they have received from professionals and the decisions that they've made for them and their families.
Something that you might like to do with your partner are the modules on lff. I think there is an exercise where you can check in on each area of your life and score yourself. It helps to identify what areas may need changes. I found it helpful to identify what I wanted from life and my person found it helpful to identify what he needs in place to lead a good life (think it might actually be called the good life), fulfilled to eliminate triggers xxx
I'm nearly 3 years post knock and 2 years 4 months post sentencing. He was remanded between the two so the ss assessment was just on me. He has had contact from the week after our daughter was born. Initially he was supervised by myself and his parents. I wasn't sure how I would handle being around him as I was hurt and also post partum so I requested that his parents were there to allow me breathing space should I need it or an opportunity to sleep. Due to the sw moving on and his probation officer misinterpreting the wording on our safety plan I had to go back to ss a year ago to have it cleared that I can soley supervise. They were hesitant to allow this to be in a home and wanted it to be in public but my argument was that I can protect my daughter no matter where we are and they cleared this. We now meet once a week just us and little one, we generally go out anyway but it's nice to have the option of going to each other's houses if the weather is bad or money is tight. We also see each another day each week with his parents at their house. I won't commit to any more than that at the moment because I want to have an independent risk assessment done first so that little one has consistency of contact. If we don't continue our relationship then I don't think it's fair on her to have that change in contact or on me to continue to see him more often than I do currently. I hope that makes sense, I kind of waffled lol.
Once we have the funds for it then we will go through the risk assessment process and also specialist relationship counselling with the end goal being that we live together once my older children have finished further education or are settled in their towns of choice.
I don't see your response as minimising (absolutely hate that term) I see it as wanting a clear understanding of what your life will look like from here on. We all react to trauma and grief differently and you may find that you go through various stages of that each day. It's completely normal. Continue to research if that helps you to understand things but also be aware of your emotions too. Take a step back if you feel you are driving yourself crazy with the what ifs. Talk to your OH openly and try to let him look into things too when he is in a better place mentally. It's important that he is honest with you and takes responsibility. This is something that I've struggled with tbh, I took on too much that wasn't mine to carry initially and now I have set my expectations out clearly and left him to it because he does need to prove that he is committed to me and to being a family. He has talking therapy, it was weekly, then fortnightly and has recently changed to once a month. He has completed the engage plus course, found employment, continues to work on himself and provides for our daughter. He is a good father and I'm happy that I made the choices I have in terms of contact and for our relationship. We split at the knock but we are working on our relationship. I don't regret my decision to end the relationship and support him as a friend and as my daughters father as it was the best decision for us at the time. It's better to make decisions that feel good for yourself than to be influenced by others. Everyone approaches things from wherever they are at mentally, it's a good thing to remember that on here. You're getting people's lived experiences which vary greatly in terms of their relationship to the person, the levels of support they have received from professionals and the decisions that they've made for them and their families.
Something that you might like to do with your partner are the modules on lff. I think there is an exercise where you can check in on each area of your life and score yourself. It helps to identify what areas may need changes. I found it helpful to identify what I wanted from life and my person found it helpful to identify what he needs in place to lead a good life (think it might actually be called the good life), fulfilled to eliminate triggers xxx
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