Family and friends gatherings
Notifications OFF
Hi all. Hope everyone is doing ok. I'm trying to sleep but can't switch my brain off tonight! Iv just been away visiting old friends and having a really lovely catch up. But they all asked about my OH and are curious and interested to meet him next time as I'm so happy and been with him with a few years now. They want me to bring him next time. But one family I meet with in this group of friends have young daughters who would normally be part of any catch up. So I can't bring my OH unless I told them everything. I'm just too scared to do that, for fear of their reaction and upsetting the whole friendship dynamic etc. Iv also just had an invite off a family member for us both to go for a big family bbq. They've actually met my OH before but at a family gathering I'd expect some of the wider family kids might be there and again the same fears get raised. I hate feeling like I'm always making excuses and lying about why he can't join me and worry at some point people will notice we're avoiding certain situations. We are so happy together but this sort of thing I find really stressful and upsetting and the longer we're together the more social invites I guess I'll get to bring him with me. What do others do? How do you manage it? How does it make you feel?
Hi,
What stage are you at? All of his family know and do invite him to bbqs etc. There isn't anything on his order that would require disclosure although his visor and former probation did say that they would need to check that wider family were aware when I asked them last year. I then emailed to ask if he had anything other than standard sor requirements and his SHPO and got no response so I think they realised that they had given incorrect information. They said weddings and funerals were different and he could attend.
He hasn't attended any bbqs or get togethers yet but I go with our daughter. He works nights so it's easy to make excuses for him not attending. Regarding the friends with children, could you perhaps suggest a night out for them to meet your OH so no kids? xxx
What stage are you at? All of his family know and do invite him to bbqs etc. There isn't anything on his order that would require disclosure although his visor and former probation did say that they would need to check that wider family were aware when I asked them last year. I then emailed to ask if he had anything other than standard sor requirements and his SHPO and got no response so I think they realised that they had given incorrect information. They said weddings and funerals were different and he could attend.
He hasn't attended any bbqs or get togethers yet but I go with our daughter. He works nights so it's easy to make excuses for him not attending. Regarding the friends with children, could you perhaps suggest a night out for them to meet your OH so no kids? xxx
I'm in a slightly different situation to many on here, as I met my OH quite a few years after his offences and after prison. He told me all about his past and after lots of discussions, research on here etc I made an informed decision to give our relationship a chance. Iv never been happier to be honest. But it obviously comes with it's weird stresses and strains that other relationships just don't have. I hope my situation gives some on here, especially parents, some hope that it can be possible for people to go on to find a happy and healthy relationship after offending. However, this sort of social thing I still find really tricky. We have had a difference of opinion on the wording of his conditions with the police and so far have decided not to push it for fear of any negative reaction from them. We both read it as he can't have UNSUPERVISED contact with girls unless we tell the parents. He would never be unsupervised and alone in the situations we can think of. So we think family/friends gatherings etc should be fine without disclosing to people. But the police person involved has definitely voiced their moral judgement that we should tell people in any situation where there might be girls, even though we don't think this is what the legal conditions actually say. Even his previous probation officer agreed with our interpretation but they are not involved any more. So it leaves me feeling I either have to make excuses for not inviting him with me, or risk telling a wider group of people which we wouldn't want to do unless absolutely necessary. He does work shifts too so actually that's quite a handy excuse at times. I'm guessing this doesn't really get any easier? He is estranged from his own family due to his old life (drug addiction, offending etc) and I'd love for him to be more involved with my social circles but can't see a safe way. I have told my two closest friends who have been incredibly supportive. And my own dad. Maybe I should just be grateful for what we can do and not expect or want more
Hi,
How long does he have left on his order and sor? My friend was in a similar situation to yourself with the exception of her partner was no longer subject to a SHPO or whatever it used to be called but was still on sor when she met him. She only told me when I told her about my person. She has been my best friend since childhood and I had been to her house with my children and met her partner years prior to my persons knock. It's only looking back that I can see that if she was in another room and I went to use the toilet her partner would shout her and ask her something, I presume now that it was his way of covering himself against being unsupervised with my children just incase any allegations were made. I completely understand why she didn't tell me and I don't feel like my children were put in any danger whilst there as they were super vigilant about it in an inconspicuous way.
My person has 2 and a half years left on SHPO and sor and after that I think I would probably do the same as my friend and her partner. None of her children's friends stay overnight and they are always in the same room as each other or with another adult during the duration of the event or catch up in each other's homes. He is allowed by ss to be unsupervised around his children and my friend's children from a previous relationship.
Is there any way of emailing his visor and their superior to receive clarification on his order in writing? Perhaps state your understanding of his SHPO and would never leave him unsupervised should you attend any gatherings together. I think it's important to state in the email that safeguarding is your priority and that legally you believe he should only be subject to the conditions outlined in his order and SOR requirements.
We are in a position where everyone knows and he is still invited to his family events, my older children don't want contact with him so they take priority at my family's events but I have a few family members who would invite him at a later stage when my children are away at uni. My friends are also very supportive and know that his offending doesn't define him and that I would never put any children at risk so although it's not been said as yet I believe he would be welcome at their events and that they wouldn't have an issue coming to mine when he is here. If you call unlock they may be able to advise you on how to challenge his visor on their interpretation of the wording xxx
How long does he have left on his order and sor? My friend was in a similar situation to yourself with the exception of her partner was no longer subject to a SHPO or whatever it used to be called but was still on sor when she met him. She only told me when I told her about my person. She has been my best friend since childhood and I had been to her house with my children and met her partner years prior to my persons knock. It's only looking back that I can see that if she was in another room and I went to use the toilet her partner would shout her and ask her something, I presume now that it was his way of covering himself against being unsupervised with my children just incase any allegations were made. I completely understand why she didn't tell me and I don't feel like my children were put in any danger whilst there as they were super vigilant about it in an inconspicuous way.
My person has 2 and a half years left on SHPO and sor and after that I think I would probably do the same as my friend and her partner. None of her children's friends stay overnight and they are always in the same room as each other or with another adult during the duration of the event or catch up in each other's homes. He is allowed by ss to be unsupervised around his children and my friend's children from a previous relationship.
Is there any way of emailing his visor and their superior to receive clarification on his order in writing? Perhaps state your understanding of his SHPO and would never leave him unsupervised should you attend any gatherings together. I think it's important to state in the email that safeguarding is your priority and that legally you believe he should only be subject to the conditions outlined in his order and SOR requirements.
We are in a position where everyone knows and he is still invited to his family events, my older children don't want contact with him so they take priority at my family's events but I have a few family members who would invite him at a later stage when my children are away at uni. My friends are also very supportive and know that his offending doesn't define him and that I would never put any children at risk so although it's not been said as yet I believe he would be welcome at their events and that they wouldn't have an issue coming to mine when he is here. If you call unlock they may be able to advise you on how to challenge his visor on their interpretation of the wording xxx