(Ex)in laws?
Notifications OFF
Hello,
It's 18 months since his arrest, and still no charges. (Officer in charge says it's because CPS are overwhelmed and there's a massive backlog)
There is absolutely no doubt that my ex was in deep, with images and videos and even swapping content. It also became clear to me in the 10 months following the arrest, when I was supervising contact in public parks etc, his weird behaviour towards other children. Seemingly just being friendly, but once you know what he's been looking at, every interaction becomes spine-chilling. (Needless to say, I moved the location of the supervised visits)
In the first 6 months, his parents looked after the kids while I was at work, and they supervised his contact with them about once a week, in addition to me supervising his teatime visits, but over time I gradually realised both the full extent of my exes actions, and his parents attitude. They used to leave the room and leave him alone with them but excuse it saying they could still hear, and when I said I didnt feel comfortable him seeing them at the in laws house, they lied and said they were out, but I have proof they went to their house. They used to allow him to do nappy changes for our youngest, despite SS stipulating no personal care. When i objected and stopped contact I was essentially bullied until I let them supervise again. I moved away for lots of reasons, but this was the biggest. Currently he only sees them once a month, when his parents organise a visit, and I insist on supervising him and his parents. The bullying has been consistent, but it's only 1 day a month, so I've been able to stay strong.
His parents are visiting, and they say he's had to stay behind because of work, but I just don't trust them one bit. I absolutely wouldn't put it past them to hide him round the corner when picking the kids up, then as soon as I've gone, wheel Daddy out. My parents are saying I'm being unreasonable not trusting the (ex) in laws to have the kids, which I might be, but the risk of my ex would be catastrophic.
What do I do?!
It's 18 months since his arrest, and still no charges. (Officer in charge says it's because CPS are overwhelmed and there's a massive backlog)
There is absolutely no doubt that my ex was in deep, with images and videos and even swapping content. It also became clear to me in the 10 months following the arrest, when I was supervising contact in public parks etc, his weird behaviour towards other children. Seemingly just being friendly, but once you know what he's been looking at, every interaction becomes spine-chilling. (Needless to say, I moved the location of the supervised visits)
In the first 6 months, his parents looked after the kids while I was at work, and they supervised his contact with them about once a week, in addition to me supervising his teatime visits, but over time I gradually realised both the full extent of my exes actions, and his parents attitude. They used to leave the room and leave him alone with them but excuse it saying they could still hear, and when I said I didnt feel comfortable him seeing them at the in laws house, they lied and said they were out, but I have proof they went to their house. They used to allow him to do nappy changes for our youngest, despite SS stipulating no personal care. When i objected and stopped contact I was essentially bullied until I let them supervise again. I moved away for lots of reasons, but this was the biggest. Currently he only sees them once a month, when his parents organise a visit, and I insist on supervising him and his parents. The bullying has been consistent, but it's only 1 day a month, so I've been able to stay strong.
His parents are visiting, and they say he's had to stay behind because of work, but I just don't trust them one bit. I absolutely wouldn't put it past them to hide him round the corner when picking the kids up, then as soon as I've gone, wheel Daddy out. My parents are saying I'm being unreasonable not trusting the (ex) in laws to have the kids, which I might be, but the risk of my ex would be catastrophic.
What do I do?!
Oh my lovely. I am in the same predicament
my ex have not just supported him (which I would want) but they have went further and helped him breach his bail with phones and other things ...all against social services and ghe police,
theh don't believe he can or is capable of the crime (which I understand) but ... they heard what I did at sentencing hearing, they heard what he he did which was traumatic and he is in prison and ... there are rules. They just don't follow them
But I just can't trust them. I would love to as it would help me out with childcare ... so it has to be supervised.
I also moved and part of reason was the same as you.
I never wanted to stop or change their relationship but they have told multiple lies (and some which are slanderous in a legal term against me) as they don't believe he is a risk.
Believe it or not they have been leads in safeguarding so they should understand but I suppose when it is your own you don't want to
Would yours do a course? Mediation?
I will be sticking to supervised as it is me picking up the pieces, I have worked hard for what the message is and they would probably say he is on holiday and he will live with us again ...
If they disagree they can take you to family court, but that is when your safeguarding evidence will come in, I suppose it will then either be supervised by you or a contact centre or nothing
What I hold though is that I have so much on my plate, and I can't add them. They made their choice to go so at the rules and protective measures, and to believe the lies and spread them against me. They should support their son, but they should want to protect the children.
would they take you to court?
lots of hugs as I completely understand xx
my ex have not just supported him (which I would want) but they have went further and helped him breach his bail with phones and other things ...all against social services and ghe police,
theh don't believe he can or is capable of the crime (which I understand) but ... they heard what I did at sentencing hearing, they heard what he he did which was traumatic and he is in prison and ... there are rules. They just don't follow them
But I just can't trust them. I would love to as it would help me out with childcare ... so it has to be supervised.
I also moved and part of reason was the same as you.
I never wanted to stop or change their relationship but they have told multiple lies (and some which are slanderous in a legal term against me) as they don't believe he is a risk.
Believe it or not they have been leads in safeguarding so they should understand but I suppose when it is your own you don't want to
Would yours do a course? Mediation?
I will be sticking to supervised as it is me picking up the pieces, I have worked hard for what the message is and they would probably say he is on holiday and he will live with us again ...
If they disagree they can take you to family court, but that is when your safeguarding evidence will come in, I suppose it will then either be supervised by you or a contact centre or nothing
What I hold though is that I have so much on my plate, and I can't add them. They made their choice to go so at the rules and protective measures, and to believe the lies and spread them against me. They should support their son, but they should want to protect the children.
would they take you to court?
lots of hugs as I completely understand xx
Hi,
I think it's near impossible to get an answer to your question as we all have different experiences with our children's grandparents. Those who have negative experiences with in laws will give completely different responses to those who have been supported by them and likewise you'd receive another viewpoint from the grandparents on here who have done nothing wrong and are being denied access to their grandchildren or the dynamics have changed and they don't feel trusted by their daughter in law.
I think mediation is a good idea. What level of contact do they want? Do they want to see your children independently from your ex regularly? Is this something that you can support or is your relationship with them too fragile for that to happen either in your home or perhaps days out with you and them without your ex there?
Something I observed in my own situation is that I have found it difficult to trust anyone other than my own family around my daughter. She is very clingy as a result of this, more than my other children at her age. I've recently let my in laws have her overnight, my person stayed in my house. It was a massive step but I feel that she needs to have interactions with her grandparents without me there for them to establish a relationship with her that is as close to normal as possible. What are your children like with their grandparents? How much contact did they have prior to your ex's arrest? I'd also recommend that they do a safeguarding course as part of the mediation process so that you can outline your expectations of them should they wish to take on a supervision role in the future. I hope that find the answers you are looking for xxx
I think it's near impossible to get an answer to your question as we all have different experiences with our children's grandparents. Those who have negative experiences with in laws will give completely different responses to those who have been supported by them and likewise you'd receive another viewpoint from the grandparents on here who have done nothing wrong and are being denied access to their grandchildren or the dynamics have changed and they don't feel trusted by their daughter in law.
I think mediation is a good idea. What level of contact do they want? Do they want to see your children independently from your ex regularly? Is this something that you can support or is your relationship with them too fragile for that to happen either in your home or perhaps days out with you and them without your ex there?
Something I observed in my own situation is that I have found it difficult to trust anyone other than my own family around my daughter. She is very clingy as a result of this, more than my other children at her age. I've recently let my in laws have her overnight, my person stayed in my house. It was a massive step but I feel that she needs to have interactions with her grandparents without me there for them to establish a relationship with her that is as close to normal as possible. What are your children like with their grandparents? How much contact did they have prior to your ex's arrest? I'd also recommend that they do a safeguarding course as part of the mediation process so that you can outline your expectations of them should they wish to take on a supervision role in the future. I hope that find the answers you are looking for xxx
Post deleted by user
Mine have never had overnight stays with them and ironically it was always me who instigated all visits before arrest
Definitely truat gets broken. But there is only so much lies and deceit (which I have now seen many many times)...
and if anyone on my family did what they did, they would have absolutely no contact with any of us and I would have had the police had their door!
If they learnt how to put victims first there would be no such thing as trust issues. But .. my ex and his family is unique! Their hatred of me is greater than the love for the children. And that is ultimately the problem. Their behaviour and actions have shown absolutely no care, no love of their grandkids... and a dangerous view of safeguarding in light of the crime. But I certainly don't hate them, I feel sorry for them. that they can't see the offences, some proven in court, some ... may be more difficult to prove. But hatred against the children is unforgivable.
Definitely truat gets broken. But there is only so much lies and deceit (which I have now seen many many times)...
and if anyone on my family did what they did, they would have absolutely no contact with any of us and I would have had the police had their door!
If they learnt how to put victims first there would be no such thing as trust issues. But .. my ex and his family is unique! Their hatred of me is greater than the love for the children. And that is ultimately the problem. Their behaviour and actions have shown absolutely no care, no love of their grandkids... and a dangerous view of safeguarding in light of the crime. But I certainly don't hate them, I feel sorry for them. that they can't see the offences, some proven in court, some ... may be more difficult to prove. But hatred against the children is unforgivable.
Post deleted by user
Supervision is tough. My partner was trying to get his mum signed off as a suitable adult to supervise him and his two kids. We had pointed her to the online resources to understand what he did, and he has been open and honest but she doesn't really discuss it mich at all.
We had offered to get her safeguarding training, but she said she had some already from her line of work.
Then it came to the interview with SS...she really didn't comprehend that she would need to be with the kids 100% of the time, and can't have her eyes off of them.
In the end she admitted that she didn't really want to be a supervisor because she would not be able to be a grandparent to the kids. It was frustrating to hear this at the interview, rather than before. We are struggling to find an alternative to paid supervision (I'm a stranger to the kids so I can't do it).
Some grandparents are up for the challenge, they understand what they need to do and make it work. But others, like my partner, had comprehend what their child has done, and they don't have the energy to be alert for periods of time.
Perhaps you can discuss the concerns again with your in-laws, set the boundaries and let them know you have lost trust. It hen down to hem to work on building your trust (for the sake of their grandchild). But if they stay in denial and defencive then that is their issue and they are just jepodising their relationship with your child
We had offered to get her safeguarding training, but she said she had some already from her line of work.
Then it came to the interview with SS...she really didn't comprehend that she would need to be with the kids 100% of the time, and can't have her eyes off of them.
In the end she admitted that she didn't really want to be a supervisor because she would not be able to be a grandparent to the kids. It was frustrating to hear this at the interview, rather than before. We are struggling to find an alternative to paid supervision (I'm a stranger to the kids so I can't do it).
Some grandparents are up for the challenge, they understand what they need to do and make it work. But others, like my partner, had comprehend what their child has done, and they don't have the energy to be alert for periods of time.
Perhaps you can discuss the concerns again with your in-laws, set the boundaries and let them know you have lost trust. It hen down to hem to work on building your trust (for the sake of their grandchild). But if they stay in denial and defencive then that is their issue and they are just jepodising their relationship with your child
I must admit I would never be a supervisor, doing it on the phone is a challenge due to the extent of emotional abuse, so a grand parent would have to be trusted and fully complaint as it changes their relationship.
in my case it has went too far. I now know the extent of their lies, having reviewed extensive papers, text messages they sent me even 2 years ago which means I now understand the extent of their malicious behaviour, from "respectable people". The things they have stated against me, which they don't know people have forwarded to me, their statements against the children.... and the impact of what they have personally been responsible for against the children.
But I learnt I can't trust them, they hurt me with the extent of their lies, and on top of the hurt their son caused, I have to protect the children as they showed they have no care, and I have to protect myself.
in my case it has went too far. I now know the extent of their lies, having reviewed extensive papers, text messages they sent me even 2 years ago which means I now understand the extent of their malicious behaviour, from "respectable people". The things they have stated against me, which they don't know people have forwarded to me, their statements against the children.... and the impact of what they have personally been responsible for against the children.
But I learnt I can't trust them, they hurt me with the extent of their lies, and on top of the hurt their son caused, I have to protect the children as they showed they have no care, and I have to protect myself.