Why don't they know why they do it
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I read the same thing over and over again on this forum,that offenders can't explain why they do it ?
My son is 19 and as this is his second time ,he is now in prison ..All he says is I don't know why I did it !
He had therapy previously,had a brilliant job and has ruined both our lives .
So many of you say they don't know why,so I'm just wondering,if anyone has FINALLY been told the reasons by the offender's .I know it's complex and everyone is different ,but I continually see a pattern ,where these men have less emotion than others ,and can't explain why they do it .So I just wondered if anyone has got further down the line,when the offender close to them can give you answers ,in the hope I may get a better understanding!
Because to say I don't know why doesn't help me to understand it at all !
My son is 19 and as this is his second time ,he is now in prison ..All he says is I don't know why I did it !
He had therapy previously,had a brilliant job and has ruined both our lives .
So many of you say they don't know why,so I'm just wondering,if anyone has FINALLY been told the reasons by the offender's .I know it's complex and everyone is different ,but I continually see a pattern ,where these men have less emotion than others ,and can't explain why they do it .So I just wondered if anyone has got further down the line,when the offender close to them can give you answers ,in the hope I may get a better understanding!
Because to say I don't know why doesn't help me to understand it at all !
I know that you said your son had therapy with LFF before. Was it actually therapy or was it just the LFF awareness course?
There are often much deeper reasons for peoples behaviour than just porn addiction, which for a lot of men, is a coping mechanism for general unhappiness.
From my own time in therapy, I began to understand that our childhood experiences are at the centre of all our adult behaviour, because those early experiences shape our core beliefs.
When your son is able to, he needs to speak to a StopSo therapist, who is trained to deal with these things. It may take a while with them, for him to really understand for himself why he did what he did. Therapy is a long process and there are no quick and easy answers to these questions.
There are often much deeper reasons for peoples behaviour than just porn addiction, which for a lot of men, is a coping mechanism for general unhappiness.
From my own time in therapy, I began to understand that our childhood experiences are at the centre of all our adult behaviour, because those early experiences shape our core beliefs.
When your son is able to, he needs to speak to a StopSo therapist, who is trained to deal with these things. It may take a while with them, for him to really understand for himself why he did what he did. Therapy is a long process and there are no quick and easy answers to these questions.
Just over a year into this horror show, and I feel as if I've had a super-intensive, fast-track degree into a world I previously knew nothing about. For those of us who could not and would not even begin to contemplate engaging with this material, it seems impossible to understanding how or why anyone could get to the point where the unacceptable becomes acceptable.
From my (limited but developing understanding), some scenarios are:
- Genuine 'attraction' to underage people either as well as adults, or exclusively (rare but real).
- Spiralling sex/porn addiction.
- Curiosity/inappropriate interest.
- Morbid fascination.
- Seeking sense of control/power.
- Unintentional engagement - it's just there...
However, I consider these to be 'manifestations' rather than 'reasons'. Some of the 'known' reasons include:
- subliminally compensating for a sense of inadequacy in other areas of life (perception being that it's easier to be 'alpha' with children than other adults);
- seeking control - it's easier to control children than adults;
- issues with love, sex and intimacy meaning an inability to establish age-appropriate relationships, and all the potential challenge, responsibility and risk of rejection that goes with adult relationships;
- low self esteem and lack of emotional maturity leading to interactions on a level of comfort and security, ie with a) porn and b) children.
It's that coinciding and line blurring between children (nice, unthreatening, fun, unchallenging, straightforward) PLUS porn (fun, stress reliever, a 'treat', free, easy to access 'not real') that is the lethal combination.
For men (and women, but we know most offenders are men), sex is a driving force, with huge associations with social and peer pressure, status and success. It's free, easy to access, something to be proud of and easy to gain status through online interactions, giving a sense of achievement and kudos. If men feel as if they are failing in comparison to other successful male peers, a natural 'comfort zone' is porn. This relatively easily escalates into crossing the line to offending while chasing the 'high'.
The more I learn about this, the more I can see parallels with the way that women would deal with their emotional and developmental challenges, for example eating disorders, self-medicating with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, entering into unhealthy relationships etc. The underlying drivers seem similar. The manifestations differ.
That said, everyone has a choice in the decisions they choose to make, and they also have to live with the consequences. As do those around them.
As with any unhealthy characteritics or lifestyle traits, it takes a lot of soul-searching, self-awareness and willingness and ability to deal with some painful emotions and factors for perpetrators to reach an understanding. I don't think we can necessarily expect them to be able to easily answer the big questions we all want an answer to: "Why the h*ll did you do it?"; "Was it worth it?"; "Why was chasing your nasty thrill greater than the risk of the fallout?"
From my (limited but developing understanding), some scenarios are:
- Genuine 'attraction' to underage people either as well as adults, or exclusively (rare but real).
- Spiralling sex/porn addiction.
- Curiosity/inappropriate interest.
- Morbid fascination.
- Seeking sense of control/power.
- Unintentional engagement - it's just there...
However, I consider these to be 'manifestations' rather than 'reasons'. Some of the 'known' reasons include:
- subliminally compensating for a sense of inadequacy in other areas of life (perception being that it's easier to be 'alpha' with children than other adults);
- seeking control - it's easier to control children than adults;
- issues with love, sex and intimacy meaning an inability to establish age-appropriate relationships, and all the potential challenge, responsibility and risk of rejection that goes with adult relationships;
- low self esteem and lack of emotional maturity leading to interactions on a level of comfort and security, ie with a) porn and b) children.
It's that coinciding and line blurring between children (nice, unthreatening, fun, unchallenging, straightforward) PLUS porn (fun, stress reliever, a 'treat', free, easy to access 'not real') that is the lethal combination.
For men (and women, but we know most offenders are men), sex is a driving force, with huge associations with social and peer pressure, status and success. It's free, easy to access, something to be proud of and easy to gain status through online interactions, giving a sense of achievement and kudos. If men feel as if they are failing in comparison to other successful male peers, a natural 'comfort zone' is porn. This relatively easily escalates into crossing the line to offending while chasing the 'high'.
The more I learn about this, the more I can see parallels with the way that women would deal with their emotional and developmental challenges, for example eating disorders, self-medicating with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, entering into unhealthy relationships etc. The underlying drivers seem similar. The manifestations differ.
That said, everyone has a choice in the decisions they choose to make, and they also have to live with the consequences. As do those around them.
As with any unhealthy characteritics or lifestyle traits, it takes a lot of soul-searching, self-awareness and willingness and ability to deal with some painful emotions and factors for perpetrators to reach an understanding. I don't think we can necessarily expect them to be able to easily answer the big questions we all want an answer to: "Why the h*ll did you do it?"; "Was it worth it?"; "Why was chasing your nasty thrill greater than the risk of the fallout?"
Intatters
Great summary. A lot of research has been done into this, such as the one below. But you have covered just about all of it.
A Peek into Their Mind? An Exploration of Links Between Offense-Supportive Statements and Behaviors among Men Who Sexually Exploit Children and Adolescents Online - Sarah Paquette, Francis Fortin, 2023 (sagepub.com)
The only thing I would add, is that low self esteem is at the heart of this, as it is with so many offending behaviours and to understand where that low self esteem comes from, the person needs to go to therapy and explore their own life history.
Great summary. A lot of research has been done into this, such as the one below. But you have covered just about all of it.
A Peek into Their Mind? An Exploration of Links Between Offense-Supportive Statements and Behaviors among Men Who Sexually Exploit Children and Adolescents Online - Sarah Paquette, Francis Fortin, 2023 (sagepub.com)
The only thing I would add, is that low self esteem is at the heart of this, as it is with so many offending behaviours and to understand where that low self esteem comes from, the person needs to go to therapy and explore their own life history.
Just been looking over old threads. Not sure why. Saw this and it explains a lot. Just the last comment of low self esteem. I would never had said this about my OH but when he got home in the middle of the night after his arrest we did a lot of talking. I said we had it all. Our lives were far from flash but we were comfortable and we laughed a lot and all aspects of our relationship were great. He said that the happier and more settled he got the feeling of not deserving it all became greater until what happened, happened.
He was having therapy but has had to stop as he was dismissed so until he gets another job it's not affordable.
He was having therapy but has had to stop as he was dismissed so until he gets another job it's not affordable.
I agree with most of the listed traits. My partner has yet to have one to one therapy to know exactly why. The LFF course helped open his eyes a lot more, but not too sure of the bespoke specifics for my OH.
But common trends that I believe are, unfortunately, he does have an interest in younger children. It is not nice to say it at all. But I just don't think it is possible for people to offend to not get a sexual kick out of it. My partner was accessing IIOCs for ten years....and first evidence of the offending was him googling pre teens in the image search...
But low self esteem was also a driver, escapism from his life. He wasn't brought up to express his emotions, both parents were not the type. He was expected to just get on with life. And porn was a coping mechanism, which grew to be vulgar as normal porn wasn't doing it for him anymore.
His offending was pure selfishness, for him to get sexual gratification. He also convinced himself that it wasn't that bad, that it wasn't as bad as actual contact and that he wouldn't get caught.
I wish ofc he never did it, but it also annoys me that it took ten years for him to get caught! So many opportunities for him to seek help. Ofc by the time he was caught the number of years he offended makes him a higher risk. It was a long term habit/activity of his.
For me I must make sure he isn't tempted to go back to porn, be around kids unsupervised etc. we are open and chat about his offending and him sharing his feelings more often. I'm hoping with this support he can manage his urges.
I have my own addictions, so I can somewhat relate to the mindset of giving in to temptation. But my addictions don't harm others, only me.
I do feel, especially in the early days when it came to light of his offending, that he was mostly remorseful for the impact it had on his family. I'm not sure if he ever really accepted the harm he did to those kids, via his demand for such IIOCs. He says he is aware and remorseful, but I wonder if it is lip service.
But common trends that I believe are, unfortunately, he does have an interest in younger children. It is not nice to say it at all. But I just don't think it is possible for people to offend to not get a sexual kick out of it. My partner was accessing IIOCs for ten years....and first evidence of the offending was him googling pre teens in the image search...
But low self esteem was also a driver, escapism from his life. He wasn't brought up to express his emotions, both parents were not the type. He was expected to just get on with life. And porn was a coping mechanism, which grew to be vulgar as normal porn wasn't doing it for him anymore.
His offending was pure selfishness, for him to get sexual gratification. He also convinced himself that it wasn't that bad, that it wasn't as bad as actual contact and that he wouldn't get caught.
I wish ofc he never did it, but it also annoys me that it took ten years for him to get caught! So many opportunities for him to seek help. Ofc by the time he was caught the number of years he offended makes him a higher risk. It was a long term habit/activity of his.
For me I must make sure he isn't tempted to go back to porn, be around kids unsupervised etc. we are open and chat about his offending and him sharing his feelings more often. I'm hoping with this support he can manage his urges.
I have my own addictions, so I can somewhat relate to the mindset of giving in to temptation. But my addictions don't harm others, only me.
I do feel, especially in the early days when it came to light of his offending, that he was mostly remorseful for the impact it had on his family. I'm not sure if he ever really accepted the harm he did to those kids, via his demand for such IIOCs. He says he is aware and remorseful, but I wonder if it is lip service.
Hi, I had been married to the ex who was convicted of these crimes for 15 years when he was arrested and we'd been best friends for almost 30. I brought 4 children into this world with him. As far as I knew, we were living completely normal, fairly mundane lives. If you asked anyone who knew my ex they would say he was quiet, highly educated, lovely, unassuming and caring and supportive of his family. All these things were true. He never so much as raised his voice to me or our children. He had the patience of a saint. We never argued. Then THE KNOCK came.
He told me subsequently that he'd had these feelings since puberty. At first he thought that maybe he was gay but realised that wasn't the case and in actual fact he was attracted to children. The trauma of this information for me will never, ever go away. I slept every night with him, ate every meal with him and had absolutely no idea what he was doing. There was never, ever anything weird, odd, concerning or strange about him.
My belief is that some of these people are born with a predisposition for this and maybe, and I mean maybe, their upbringing somehow contributes. But I'm just guessing based on my experience. I would say my ex was very young emotionally. He could deal with and relate to children far better than he could adults. The only times I've seen him cry was when we had to rehome a kitten, when he lost our dog and at his sentencing. It's just so very bizarre. Xx
He told me subsequently that he'd had these feelings since puberty. At first he thought that maybe he was gay but realised that wasn't the case and in actual fact he was attracted to children. The trauma of this information for me will never, ever go away. I slept every night with him, ate every meal with him and had absolutely no idea what he was doing. There was never, ever anything weird, odd, concerning or strange about him.
My belief is that some of these people are born with a predisposition for this and maybe, and I mean maybe, their upbringing somehow contributes. But I'm just guessing based on my experience. I would say my ex was very young emotionally. He could deal with and relate to children far better than he could adults. The only times I've seen him cry was when we had to rehome a kitten, when he lost our dog and at his sentencing. It's just so very bizarre. Xx
LittleRobin3, I have no answers or assurance, but just sending solidarity and empathy. x
Intatters ,you have hit the nail on the head with your answer !!
Edit to my previous response to this post.
I no longer believe that some are born with a predisposition for this. However, my ex started having these feelings from the age of 13. He said he was very confused. He wondered at first if he was gay but knew that didn't fit. He has absolutely nowhere to go for help as he understood that his feelings were not acceptable to society. This makes me so so angry. What if he'd been able to go to a GP and get referred somewhere so that someone qualified could've talked him through it? What if that could've made a difference? He never stood a chance and therefore I and our 4 children never stood a chance. Decades I spent with this man. I'm sick of the hysteria around these crimes because it blocks any progress. X
I no longer believe that some are born with a predisposition for this. However, my ex started having these feelings from the age of 13. He said he was very confused. He wondered at first if he was gay but knew that didn't fit. He has absolutely nowhere to go for help as he understood that his feelings were not acceptable to society. This makes me so so angry. What if he'd been able to go to a GP and get referred somewhere so that someone qualified could've talked him through it? What if that could've made a difference? He never stood a chance and therefore I and our 4 children never stood a chance. Decades I spent with this man. I'm sick of the hysteria around these crimes because it blocks any progress. X
Yes it just makes child abuse more likely, by not allowing people who have a sexual interest to access help! Can't people see that? Isolating them will only perpetuate the problem.
We now see the knock for my 15 year old as a blessing, as it has led me to ask questions to my children and look into the causes. This has led me to find an abuser within our family, which explains why my son has gone down this path. It has also allowed me to protect and get help for my children. I believe my 15 year old has repressed the abuse which has led him to this online world somehow :(
We now see the knock for my 15 year old as a blessing, as it has led me to ask questions to my children and look into the causes. This has led me to find an abuser within our family, which explains why my son has gone down this path. It has also allowed me to protect and get help for my children. I believe my 15 year old has repressed the abuse which has led him to this online world somehow :(
Crushed, I completely agree. X
Crushed.Was your 15 year old prosecuted?
Emma we are still waiting for devices to be checked...feel free to message if you are in a similar situation xx