Need advice re contact
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It's been 3 weeks post knock and I have only allowed one 10 min call on a Friday evening to my children's father. Out of sight out of mind and the kids have not asked for more than this. The other night my DD was missing her dad so I let her have a quick call with him and the next night she was in tears, had nightmares and couldn't sleep. Their father has asked if a good night call will help. In my opinion, it makes things worse when they see him. When they don't, the kids seem more happier.
I'm sure my in laws thunk I am being overly harsh with the contact but I'm trying to do what's best to keep the children happy and right now thats minimal contact until they are used to the idea that it's just the 3 of us moving forward and they are OK with it. Anyone else in a similar situation??
I'm sure my in laws thunk I am being overly harsh with the contact but I'm trying to do what's best to keep the children happy and right now thats minimal contact until they are used to the idea that it's just the 3 of us moving forward and they are OK with it. Anyone else in a similar situation??
You're doing right by you and your children right now and that has to come first . Never mind what I laws say you're the one taking care of the children alone , tell them just let things settle down first , then see how he works in himself and what SS say in the long run . Please don't let anyone make you feel guygo with your gut , you're not in the wrong here x
Hi there, sounds like a difficult situation and trying to please everyone is so hard.
I've worked with lots of families in similar situations and usually the ideal thing to do is set up something regular and consistent so that it's part of the routine, and to share that routine with the children. This doesn't mean it has to be every day but probably a couple of times a week minimum. It's likely your daughter got upset because seeing him upset the recent routine and may have reminded her she misses him. She will be confused and maybe worried about whether she will get to see him again or not which may be traumatising. Setting up something regular hopefully means she doesn't need to worry.
Dont over or under commit yourself, if weekly is what you can manage then that's great, but remember that research says in almost all circumstances its best for some level of regular and consistent contact to be maintained. Im not sure what your person is suspected of so might be worth clarifying with social services around their thoughts
I've worked with lots of families in similar situations and usually the ideal thing to do is set up something regular and consistent so that it's part of the routine, and to share that routine with the children. This doesn't mean it has to be every day but probably a couple of times a week minimum. It's likely your daughter got upset because seeing him upset the recent routine and may have reminded her she misses him. She will be confused and maybe worried about whether she will get to see him again or not which may be traumatising. Setting up something regular hopefully means she doesn't need to worry.
Dont over or under commit yourself, if weekly is what you can manage then that's great, but remember that research says in almost all circumstances its best for some level of regular and consistent contact to be maintained. Im not sure what your person is suspected of so might be worth clarifying with social services around their thoughts
Mine did better without contact... which was a good thing as he didn't want to speak to them ( preferring solicitors and telling lies... and not the criminal solicitors)...
but when it started he did emotional abuse to the children which brought the problems of them and similar things you described. Mine was fully supervised so the phone couldn't be handed over etc. But when he told them lies and promised them he would be Back.. it was me picking up the pieces and being the bad person.... lies which were relentless ...
But kids struggle with phone calls, they didn't want to talk... it isn't easy. Do what is right for you, and do what if the in-laws are cross. They need to trust you as the mother protecting the children and picking up the pieces.
Look after yourself, you will get a routine whatever it is , and ultimately you and the children are a priority
but when it started he did emotional abuse to the children which brought the problems of them and similar things you described. Mine was fully supervised so the phone couldn't be handed over etc. But when he told them lies and promised them he would be Back.. it was me picking up the pieces and being the bad person.... lies which were relentless ...
But kids struggle with phone calls, they didn't want to talk... it isn't easy. Do what is right for you, and do what if the in-laws are cross. They need to trust you as the mother protecting the children and picking up the pieces.
Look after yourself, you will get a routine whatever it is , and ultimately you and the children are a priority
Just to clarify my position if the person is lying to the children and inflicting emotional abuse then definitely a contact plan would need to be altered or halted depending on severity. I can definitely see why you had to stop it Nemesis and I hope your children are ok now.
I wasn't sure of the OPs specific situation/the risks but research does indicate that for a majority of children maintaining regular contact is a good thing to do for their long term wellbeing (but not if the parent is abusing them).
I wasn't sure of the OPs specific situation/the risks but research does indicate that for a majority of children maintaining regular contact is a good thing to do for their long term wellbeing (but not if the parent is abusing them).
I think what is best for one family is not always the same for another.
Apart from the obvious failings, my OH is a great dad. He has always been a good, active, loving part of their lives.
I decided to allow him to see them once a week, supervised by me and with the agreement of SS. I personally do not think my children would have coped with not knowing when or if they would ever have contact. The uncertainty would have upset them.
You must do what you believe is correct.
Apart from the obvious failings, my OH is a great dad. He has always been a good, active, loving part of their lives.
I decided to allow him to see them once a week, supervised by me and with the agreement of SS. I personally do not think my children would have coped with not knowing when or if they would ever have contact. The uncertainty would have upset them.
You must do what you believe is correct.
My sons struggled with telephone contact with their Dad because they couldn't think of things to say. In the first approx month they didn't see him because we were waiting for social services to approve family members for supervised contact. Both he and they found that really hard. They now have telephone contact every evening but we do him reading a bedtime story because it's easier than trying to make conversation. They see him at least once a week at my mum's where we all have Sunday lunch together as she's approved to supervise. We started off with me not being there as social services didn't initially approve me to supervise, but they've now closed us off and agreed I can supervise which makes it easier. I agree with another poster that the important thing is consistency and getting into a routine so they know what to expect. I recognise every family is different though so what works for us might not for you. Good luck