Family not talking to me
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My brother was released from custody yesterday. He was in there for 48 hours then went to court.
He was released to my mum and dads house until his court date later this month. Likely to get 2 years suspended sentence for distribution of 3D animations, selling them online.
My parents thanked me for all my support, but yesterday it all came down on me when I called up and they sounded like a happy family... Eating pizza together like nothing had happened. My dad called me to see how I was but nothing from my mum which really upset me. Later at about 6.30 when she did call, she did thank me for all my support and said I was a rock for them. I felt confused as to why it was as if nothing had happened.
I went round, spoke to my brother, he is clearly very remorseful and ashamed. We all hugged as a family and tried to watch some TV together before I left. We were laughing and joking and I got freaked out that this was happening and said "isn't it weird that we're all sitting here laughing and joking about P*****?". I understand its hard to navigate this situation, I needed some support, and maybe this was my way of trying to tell them I was struggling with the pretence of it being okay. I don't know. I feel lonely and confused. My mum started speaking to me very disrespectfully so I asked her if she had spoken to my brother like this considering what he'd done? It got very heated on her end with some very horrible name calling and blaming so I started recording the conversation.
I've been having therapy for a long time as my family life has always been very toxic, I am by no means perfect but I've had lots of rounds of therapy to try to resolve some of my childhood trauma and the way I communicate. The reason I started recording was to listen back to to try to understand whether I was in the wrong as that's what I was being told. And being in a bad place already I wasn't sure whether I was. I let them know I was recording because I didn't feel safe, and felt gaslit. I'm a bit scared to post this in case she see's it but I need help. I'm confused and feel as though I'm being blamed for not playing along perfectly with happy families straight away.
Listening back I stay calm throughout the 27 minutes and am called a lot of very hurtful names, which I won't say on here because I'm sure if my mum reads this I will be even more ostracized. So if she does read this... I'm just trying to get some emotional support at a time that's really hard for me too... I'm not trying to prove to anyone that my family are bad people. I know this is a hard time. But being spoken to like that is not okay.
The shouting ended with her telling me to leave and that she didn't want anything to do with me again.
I have been awake shaking all night with confusion. Was my remark/facial expression worse than what my brother has done to the family? I can't get my head round why I would be the one to be shunned.
I'm even more confused, lonely and distraught about the situation. I'm almost 100% certain I will be being talked about behind my back, and this won't resolve unless I apologise. It's my birthday next week ???? What can I do? ???? How can I feel okay and continue without hating myself?
He was released to my mum and dads house until his court date later this month. Likely to get 2 years suspended sentence for distribution of 3D animations, selling them online.
My parents thanked me for all my support, but yesterday it all came down on me when I called up and they sounded like a happy family... Eating pizza together like nothing had happened. My dad called me to see how I was but nothing from my mum which really upset me. Later at about 6.30 when she did call, she did thank me for all my support and said I was a rock for them. I felt confused as to why it was as if nothing had happened.
I went round, spoke to my brother, he is clearly very remorseful and ashamed. We all hugged as a family and tried to watch some TV together before I left. We were laughing and joking and I got freaked out that this was happening and said "isn't it weird that we're all sitting here laughing and joking about P*****?". I understand its hard to navigate this situation, I needed some support, and maybe this was my way of trying to tell them I was struggling with the pretence of it being okay. I don't know. I feel lonely and confused. My mum started speaking to me very disrespectfully so I asked her if she had spoken to my brother like this considering what he'd done? It got very heated on her end with some very horrible name calling and blaming so I started recording the conversation.
I've been having therapy for a long time as my family life has always been very toxic, I am by no means perfect but I've had lots of rounds of therapy to try to resolve some of my childhood trauma and the way I communicate. The reason I started recording was to listen back to to try to understand whether I was in the wrong as that's what I was being told. And being in a bad place already I wasn't sure whether I was. I let them know I was recording because I didn't feel safe, and felt gaslit. I'm a bit scared to post this in case she see's it but I need help. I'm confused and feel as though I'm being blamed for not playing along perfectly with happy families straight away.
Listening back I stay calm throughout the 27 minutes and am called a lot of very hurtful names, which I won't say on here because I'm sure if my mum reads this I will be even more ostracized. So if she does read this... I'm just trying to get some emotional support at a time that's really hard for me too... I'm not trying to prove to anyone that my family are bad people. I know this is a hard time. But being spoken to like that is not okay.
The shouting ended with her telling me to leave and that she didn't want anything to do with me again.
I have been awake shaking all night with confusion. Was my remark/facial expression worse than what my brother has done to the family? I can't get my head round why I would be the one to be shunned.
I'm even more confused, lonely and distraught about the situation. I'm almost 100% certain I will be being talked about behind my back, and this won't resolve unless I apologise. It's my birthday next week ???? What can I do? ???? How can I feel okay and continue without hating myself?
Hi, from your post I hear that you are going through much emotional turmoil, some may be historic but it certainly sounds like recent events have made the feelings resurface with some power. Have you considered speaking to someone on the LFF support line? The confidential support and ears away from the forum may help xx Sending you strength xx
Hi Sistress,
I'm so sorry that despite trying to do the best for your brother and parents you're now feeling so upset. It sounds as though there's a repeating pattern of problems in your family and you've been working hard over the years to deal with things, but perhaps they haven't, so your relationship has all been based on your hard work. If that's the case then no wonder things have flared up as this situation really plays havoc with emotions. I'm normally very mild and rarely lose my temper but since our son's arrest and coming to live with us I'm like a simmering volcano most of the time!!! Have you been taught strategies which have worked in the past to help? Can you go back to whoever you saw originally to help you deal with the past and have a refresher session? It's not surprising that things have resurfaced at the moment and doesn't mean that the work you've put in previously didn't work. You just need to re-engage with it as it will be buried under all this fresh toxicity.
As for your family acting as if nothing has happened, and when you're so distraught, it must be extremely upsetting being on the margins and not living there and probably spending hours alone overthinking everything. All I can say, without sounding like I'm sticking up for your family as perhaps they are minimising things, is that I've had moments when I've been with our son enjoying a meal or a TV programme together as if everything was hunky-dory and when I've thought back about it, it's seemed wrong when he's in so much trouble and caused us so much hurt and worry. But I think it's a self preservation tool as a human being. It reminds me of when my mum died and we were all together laughing about something completely separate from the grief. The two things weren't mutually exclusive.
Anyway, this is such a tricky time for you and perhaps you need to give yourself permission to put YOU first and not feel at all responsible for anyone else. You can be present with your family without being overwhelmed by them, even if in the past you've felt responsible for their well-being (as if it's always your fault when things go wrong). It can be hard to change the record and silence that voice of blame or responsibility in your head. That's why I'd really urge you to ring the LFF helpline as often as you need (you are NOT being a nuisance!) or go back to see whoever helped you in the past (you are NOT a failure!) And if the best option is to distance yourself from the situation for a while, then that is absolutely OK however it might make you feel.
Lots of love xxx
PS Do send me a direct message if you'd like someone to let off steam to as well as this forum (both are allowed!!!!)
I'm so sorry that despite trying to do the best for your brother and parents you're now feeling so upset. It sounds as though there's a repeating pattern of problems in your family and you've been working hard over the years to deal with things, but perhaps they haven't, so your relationship has all been based on your hard work. If that's the case then no wonder things have flared up as this situation really plays havoc with emotions. I'm normally very mild and rarely lose my temper but since our son's arrest and coming to live with us I'm like a simmering volcano most of the time!!! Have you been taught strategies which have worked in the past to help? Can you go back to whoever you saw originally to help you deal with the past and have a refresher session? It's not surprising that things have resurfaced at the moment and doesn't mean that the work you've put in previously didn't work. You just need to re-engage with it as it will be buried under all this fresh toxicity.
As for your family acting as if nothing has happened, and when you're so distraught, it must be extremely upsetting being on the margins and not living there and probably spending hours alone overthinking everything. All I can say, without sounding like I'm sticking up for your family as perhaps they are minimising things, is that I've had moments when I've been with our son enjoying a meal or a TV programme together as if everything was hunky-dory and when I've thought back about it, it's seemed wrong when he's in so much trouble and caused us so much hurt and worry. But I think it's a self preservation tool as a human being. It reminds me of when my mum died and we were all together laughing about something completely separate from the grief. The two things weren't mutually exclusive.
Anyway, this is such a tricky time for you and perhaps you need to give yourself permission to put YOU first and not feel at all responsible for anyone else. You can be present with your family without being overwhelmed by them, even if in the past you've felt responsible for their well-being (as if it's always your fault when things go wrong). It can be hard to change the record and silence that voice of blame or responsibility in your head. That's why I'd really urge you to ring the LFF helpline as often as you need (you are NOT being a nuisance!) or go back to see whoever helped you in the past (you are NOT a failure!) And if the best option is to distance yourself from the situation for a while, then that is absolutely OK however it might make you feel.
Lots of love xxx
PS Do send me a direct message if you'd like someone to let off steam to as well as this forum (both are allowed!!!!)
Hi there. So sorry you find yourself here it sounds like you are having a really tough time. I also think you may find the helpline useful.
I just wanted to say we got the knock re our son not long before xmas. We had to put a front on the whole time as we told no one outside. We had the weight of the world on our shoulders but gave the impression of a happy family xmas. We tried our best to keep upbeat and positive for our son even though that was a million miles from how we really felt. I obviously dont know if it is the same for your parents, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
I just wanted to say we got the knock re our son not long before xmas. We had to put a front on the whole time as we told no one outside. We had the weight of the world on our shoulders but gave the impression of a happy family xmas. We tried our best to keep upbeat and positive for our son even though that was a million miles from how we really felt. I obviously dont know if it is the same for your parents, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
Another worried mum - that's exactly what I had to do. I was putting on this brave face as at that point very few people in the family knew what he had done. But inside I was just dead and numb. Just going through the motions so perhaps her mum is feeling like this but just taking her anger about the situation out on her daughter. Wrong I know but there's no manual with this sort of crime and everyone deals with things in their own way.
try not to take it too personally and if you need to vent or chat that's what we are here for to help support you in our own way xx
try not to take it too personally and if you need to vent or chat that's what we are here for to help support you in our own way xx