Want it to all go away?
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* warning as this may trigger some people. I apologise to anyone that is hurt by this but I just need to get it out.
Our knock came in November 2021. My husband of 21 years left the family home, myself and our 2 children -19 and 12 at that time. He had been caught on KIK discussing things done to minors.
Over time we began to see each other again. We started from scratch and I believed he was totally honest with me when he said it made him feel sick and that it was all a form of self punishment. He said no pics involved.We began to make tentative plans for the future. He still did not live with us but it was going that way. We became intimate again and I would spend nights with him at his new home. He was still under investigation at this point.
On February 2nd I received a call from police to say he had been re-arrested on a separate charge. He had been messaging on KIK AGAIN! The same kind of messages but even more serious.
We had nothing to do with him and never plan to again.
In March the details of the initial phone that was seized came back and it was the worst possible outcome. Images and videos. Also of animals.
I still don't know if he will go to prison or if people will find out.
I just want it to end! I am trying to swap.my council house for 1 far away so I don't have to live with the shame I'd it ever comes out. My 21 year old daughter is scared that she will see him somewhere as he only lives 30 miles away. I will do everything I can to stop my son ever knowing anything about it.
It's all just so much. I have come to the.point that I know I would never end it all and leave my children alone, but, I fantasise about it. I can't stop thinking that I could just turn it all off and make it all go away so easily.
I'm sorry to anyone that this has upset, I really am. I just had to get ot out of my head and hoped that by typing it out, it may help me see sense.
I hope everyone is as well as can be expected and that you are taking care of yourself x
Our knock came in November 2021. My husband of 21 years left the family home, myself and our 2 children -19 and 12 at that time. He had been caught on KIK discussing things done to minors.
Over time we began to see each other again. We started from scratch and I believed he was totally honest with me when he said it made him feel sick and that it was all a form of self punishment. He said no pics involved.We began to make tentative plans for the future. He still did not live with us but it was going that way. We became intimate again and I would spend nights with him at his new home. He was still under investigation at this point.
On February 2nd I received a call from police to say he had been re-arrested on a separate charge. He had been messaging on KIK AGAIN! The same kind of messages but even more serious.
We had nothing to do with him and never plan to again.
In March the details of the initial phone that was seized came back and it was the worst possible outcome. Images and videos. Also of animals.
I still don't know if he will go to prison or if people will find out.
I just want it to end! I am trying to swap.my council house for 1 far away so I don't have to live with the shame I'd it ever comes out. My 21 year old daughter is scared that she will see him somewhere as he only lives 30 miles away. I will do everything I can to stop my son ever knowing anything about it.
It's all just so much. I have come to the.point that I know I would never end it all and leave my children alone, but, I fantasise about it. I can't stop thinking that I could just turn it all off and make it all go away so easily.
I'm sorry to anyone that this has upset, I really am. I just had to get ot out of my head and hoped that by typing it out, it may help me see sense.
I hope everyone is as well as can be expected and that you are taking care of yourself x
Hi,
I couldn't read and not respond. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Have you been able to access any support for yourself and your daughter?
The only reason I'm still here is because of my children, I couldn't pass on the hurt cycle to them by ending it for me.
You haven't done anything wrong at all and this is not your shame to carry. I hope that you manage to move and start a whole new life for yourself and your children. Contact your GP as soon as possible and call the helpline for advice on what support is available to you xxx
I couldn't read and not respond. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Have you been able to access any support for yourself and your daughter?
The only reason I'm still here is because of my children, I couldn't pass on the hurt cycle to them by ending it for me.
You haven't done anything wrong at all and this is not your shame to carry. I hope that you manage to move and start a whole new life for yourself and your children. Contact your GP as soon as possible and call the helpline for advice on what support is available to you xxx
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Thank you both.
I have called my GPS this afternoon to book a phone consultation with a doctor. I have anti depressants but I think I may need to try a different kind. When I speak to them I will also ask about any kind of therapy that may be available. I've not been honest with them about what I'm struggling with so maybe that would be a start. It's just all got too much so I need to do something more.
My precious daughter is now 21 and wont listen to me when I ask her to go to counselling, speak to a GP or even call a helpline when she is at her lowest. She now self harms and it is terrifying! I support her in any way I can and do lots of research on how to do that. It breaks my heart everytime I think she may have harmed herself again but she won't talk to me about it.
As with both of you, my children are more important than anything else. Including my sanity.
Thank you so much for responding. It was comforting to know I'm not the only 1 that has and is feeling this way. I hope both of you take care of yourselves.
Thank you xx
I have called my GPS this afternoon to book a phone consultation with a doctor. I have anti depressants but I think I may need to try a different kind. When I speak to them I will also ask about any kind of therapy that may be available. I've not been honest with them about what I'm struggling with so maybe that would be a start. It's just all got too much so I need to do something more.
My precious daughter is now 21 and wont listen to me when I ask her to go to counselling, speak to a GP or even call a helpline when she is at her lowest. She now self harms and it is terrifying! I support her in any way I can and do lots of research on how to do that. It breaks my heart everytime I think she may have harmed herself again but she won't talk to me about it.
As with both of you, my children are more important than anything else. Including my sanity.
Thank you so much for responding. It was comforting to know I'm not the only 1 that has and is feeling this way. I hope both of you take care of yourselves.
Thank you xx
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Annmarie x
I am so so sorry to read your post , I think we can all resonate with those thoughts I felt the same but it is my son who offended, I just wanted to sleep and not wake up but I got through it and so will you my love xx
Please reach out to your GP and also look at some support groups
Be kind to yourself, sending hugs and strength to you xx
I am so so sorry to read your post , I think we can all resonate with those thoughts I felt the same but it is my son who offended, I just wanted to sleep and not wake up but I got through it and so will you my love xx
Please reach out to your GP and also look at some support groups
Be kind to yourself, sending hugs and strength to you xx
This path we are on is indeed so full of hiccups and just when you think life has levelled something bites at you, snap, snap, as I found out yesterday......
But you do develop mechanisms of coping - us ladies have unbelievable strengths and yes 'we will survive'.
But you do develop mechanisms of coping - us ladies have unbelievable strengths and yes 'we will survive'.
Annamarie, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but take comfort in knowing that many of us on here have been where you are and are now out the other side, stronger, happier and more content. This feeling will not last forever and you will be happy again. One day you'll look back and be so proud of yourself for what you came through and perhaps find a silver lining.
Right now, definitely tell your GP what's going on, mine was so sympathetic and seen me every week for about a month to make sure the anti depressants I was on were right for me. I'm a big advocate now for the more natural methods of coping such as eating well, exercise, meditation etc, but that's long term, when I was still in the early stages after the knock I needed anti depressants and thankfully mine worked.
You will get through this. Take one day at a time and live in the moment. Try to recognise when you're spiralling and go for a walk or listen to your favourite music, anything to take you away from your dark thoughts.
You will be ok, you've done nothing wrong and you deserve a good life xx
Right now, definitely tell your GP what's going on, mine was so sympathetic and seen me every week for about a month to make sure the anti depressants I was on were right for me. I'm a big advocate now for the more natural methods of coping such as eating well, exercise, meditation etc, but that's long term, when I was still in the early stages after the knock I needed anti depressants and thankfully mine worked.
You will get through this. Take one day at a time and live in the moment. Try to recognise when you're spiralling and go for a walk or listen to your favourite music, anything to take you away from your dark thoughts.
You will be ok, you've done nothing wrong and you deserve a good life xx
Hi Anne-Marie
Thank you for putting up this honest and heartfelt post. My now ex husband of 29 years was arrested in Dec 21. It completely pulled the rug out from underneath me and my 4 children. I can only reiterate what other responders have said, you hold absolutely no blame.
I moved myself and my 2 younger children 2 counties away to distance myself from him, but my older 2 still houseshare near where we used to live and are anxious that they'll bump into him one day.
Take the time to heal yourself and focus on your children, that's what is getting me through xx
Thank you for putting up this honest and heartfelt post. My now ex husband of 29 years was arrested in Dec 21. It completely pulled the rug out from underneath me and my 4 children. I can only reiterate what other responders have said, you hold absolutely no blame.
I moved myself and my 2 younger children 2 counties away to distance myself from him, but my older 2 still houseshare near where we used to live and are anxious that they'll bump into him one day.
Take the time to heal yourself and focus on your children, that's what is getting me through xx